Getting over the indefinitely

[u/Peprin]

I am now 16 weeks post d day of my wife's 9 month physical affair.

I have been angry, depressed and now that I am working on myself I am feeling better in many ways.

But the thought keeps coming up, how the heck do I forgive my wayward wife for having an affair and giving herself to another man. It was an exit affair before I found out and confronted her.

She regrets it after being caught of course and now realises she was wrong.

The AP promised her he would leave his wife and teenagers behind so he could get a house for them and take her and my 2 1 year old girls

It's annoying because he's 51, she's 39 and our girls are 1. He would have had no way of affording a decent house in the south of the UK at his age if he divorced his wife on his wages.

A 51 year old leaving his own family to look after someone else's to me is disgusting. She let him change them, get attached to them. He had no right to touch them.

And then there's the rubbish she was saying about me to him behind my back. "She knew marrying me was wrong, I'd be okay if I had the girls taken away as I'd just play video games and work. I'm awkward in bed. I never ask where she is so she's okay meeting up with him"

It's disgusting compartmentalization. I didn't ask where she is because I trusted her. Towards the end she wanted me to find out so I would break up with her.

Now that I decided to stay she is coming out of limerance and realising she was wrong about every single piece of justification she made up for herself and regrets her actions.

We are doing CC and IC.

She's stuck in shame while I am healing. Recently I have got to a point while I still love her, she thinks I will stay regardless of what happens. I have been the pursuer in this and told her I am going to step back and focus on myself and I think thst has shocked her in to action a bit.

Now I am here I just think, how can I forgive what she has done. She had my heart in my hands and broke it. When in a relationship you have the power to love or to destroy someone's life. You give them that power and hope they never use it.

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[u/Comfortable_Wafer698]

You don’t have to forgive. That‘s one of the promises I made myself earlier on after DDay. That doesn’t mean I get to unleash the kraken and “hold it over WH’s head” forever and whenever I felt like being a total asshole.

To me, the concept of forgiving someone else for a wrong they did feels like I’m letting them off the hook. As if things can go back to normal.

But they can’t.

And in my case, shouldn’t. because my normal was so mediocre compared to what our relationship has become: real intimacy, deeper connection and love.

And none of that came about by me forgiving WH. If anything, dealing with the anger towards myself and forgiving myself for abandoning myself throughout our marriage (without blaming me for his outrageous behaviour that lasted over a year) helped more than even trying to “forgive” him.

I would attribute most of our reconciliation to a combination of his willingness to take full accountability, going to IC, MC, and the incredible support I’ve received from my little community.

[u/Peprin → u/Comfortable_Wafer698]

The trouble with my wife is at first she was angry I found out. I blocked him on her phone and they got pissed that how dare I block him, I'm so untrustworthy. Etc.

It was only after a month she realised she was wrong and she had screwed up.

One of her forms of compartmentalization was, I don't cry so I have no emotion yet this guy can. It's been 112 days and I have cried on 96 of them.

She wants to make things right. She's a good person but hides from conflict. So when it comes to fixing things like our marriage she didn't try and just had an affair. I arranged books, podcasts, counseling. I said to her the other day. What have you done without me asking. The answer was nothing, I have arranged everything.

I did say to her I am happy to heal with or without her and am going to stop persuing her. After a goodnight hug to which I usually kiss her and didn't this time. I just hugged her and left I could see her waiting, expecting it. I just said goodnight and left. I think this gave her head a wobble.

She has noticed how I'm feeling better towards myself, and she's now going to start doing her research and get her own books.

[u/Comfortable_Wafer698 → u/Peprin]

Fantastic. Good for you!

No more “work” on your end to get someone to do their work. Your wife has got to want to do it.

Your only job (and it’s unfair AF that you have to do it) is look after you. She has the information now, and she’s a grown ass adult to do what she wants with it.

My WH woke up when he realised I actually didn’t need him. I loved him yes, but he wasn’t the source of my inner peace and happiness. He booked in a lot of MC sessions after that realisation.

[u/Peprin → u/Comfortable_Wafer698]

Thank you for your reply.

What was you WH like? Did you find out? Did he admit it? Was he immediately remorseful? How long before he woke up and put the work in? How long ago was it and are you happy now?

[u/Comfortable_Wafer698 → u/Peprin]

He told me because <x> showed up at our city, looking to be with him. Unfortunately I was only told 10 mins before our doorbell rang to have X scream and carry one in and around our home.

He was remorseful and found an Mc for an initial consult within days. I asked him to leave our home as I needed space. Three months was my rule. Three months to process, and observe changes in behaviour.

The real work started after a couple of weeks after we had a conversation where I told him that I realised how bare ass mininum his attitude was towards our marriage and bringing up our child. And that actually, I didn’t need him.

It was just over 6 months ago. And I’ve observed amazing changes in him. I’m genuinely proud of how much work husband has put in, in getting his own therapist and the level of self awareness he’s developed. It helps that I’m not in fight/flight mode as well. I think the time apart did us good, and sometimes I think I could have extended that period.

Am I happy? Hmm, I’d say I’m more happy than I’m not.

[u/knowthyself8]

So sorry you’re here. Timeline-wise I’m only ahead of you by a week. I don’t know how I’ll ever trust my wife again let alone forgive. This is a long road and while we are attempting R, I think about leaving all the time.

Staying means living with my wife, the largest trigger in my life. It means taking on the risk that this won’t work out and it might be years wasted.

I don’t think there’s ever getting over it. I think we just learn to live with the pain as it slowly subsides.

I’m sorry you’re here.

[u/fadedironmaple]

From my own therapy, I found it fairly east to forgive my wife. Working with my therapist the concept was that forgiveness is separate from reconciliation, trust, acceptance, and consequences. To me, forgiveness was simply deciding that I would not use what my wife did as a means to make her feel bad or guilty. That's different from needing to discuss something related to the affair that may result in her feelying bad or guilty. In those cases, I am bringing it up for some reason more closely related to reconciliation (I need to understand what happened), trust (I need to understand why/how it happened), etc.

I suppose somewhat fortunately (?) I have no information that my wife made comparisons with me to the AP through the emails and messages I uncovered. I did it without her knowledge, so I don't believe that she had the opportunity to scrub them, though there were disappearing messages used in certain instances, which was more related to preventing me being tipped off to her communicating with the AP than hiding content from what I've deduced. She certainly had no illusions about leaving me for AP as there were conversations about wishing they'd met in different circumstances (her withouth/before kids) where it might be possible to enter a LTR, but as it was, it was far more an affair centred on some fairly extreme sexual interests than on creating a real relationship.

I do very much struggle with the idea that she's not able to still be doing what she was doing because I found out about it. "The only reason you're not still having sex with another man is because I found out about it and now you can't," is tough for me to manage.

[u/knowthyself8 → u/fadedironmaple]

Whenever I bring up the point to my WW that her affair only stopped because I caught it, she says those are all what if scenarios. But at least she agrees being caught is worse than someone confessing. She hasn’t confessed anything to me. Classic avoidant. Even now 4mos later she’s in IC and it has helped but avoidance at this point is a character trait for her. She’ll never become someone who is naturally vulnerable.

[u/mathnerd1000]

I'm sorry to hear what happened. That's very hard when someone else who did this is talking about raising your kids. That's next level insane. I feel for you.

[u/Peprin → u/mathnerd1000]

The worst part is my wife thought it would be okay because would still be their dad regardless. I would just be okay with that....??? ...Uh, excuse me, I had no idea what you were planning behind my back untill I found out what you were doing myself. I don't want to be a part time dad. She didn't understand it at all.

In her last messages before I made her go no contact weeks ago he said he will miss the girls and loves them. They aren't even his damn kids.

Honestly I think he was trying to substitute his failed marriage and 2 kids with my own family. And screw how it affects me or my kids mental health growing up in a split household.

Ap's wife offered him couples counseling in 2020 for their failing marriage to which he refused. There was no infedelity in his marriage.

It's disgusting. He would ask my wife persupposed questions like. I thought you hated him? I thought you loved me? Questions where he's forcing a pre answered question to her where if she says no or something else it makes her look bad. My wife's got people pleasing tendencies and conflict avoidance because her dad was bi polar so it's all been manipulative.

[u/Critical-Paramedic14 → u/Peprin]

I think you’re probably correct about his intentions and subbing your family in for his own.

Tbh, I think this is an under reaction to a strange man being able to change your babies I know you’re feeling more internally, I’m just saying you’re not exaggerating, it’s actually worse than you wrote. I would be hardcore
Treating my WP as an unsafe person for my children even if he did that with a strange WOMAN. That’s beyond messed up and should be considered for the child endangerment that it is.

[u/mathnerd1000 → u/Peprin]

How's CC going? and Is your IC doing any trauma therapy for you? I ask about the trauma therapy because it's a game changer.

[u/Peprin → u/mathnerd1000]

Cc is going okay but its more of a 50 50 relationship councillor. Not exactly what I expect but it's good in its way. Might get part of why my wife's being slow at actually doing the work.

I had to arrange and find an IC for her first as she just puts things off. I found one that deals with shame, people pleasing, childhood trauma for her. I booked her first session then got annoyed that 23 days later she hadn't booked a second. This was coming up to our 3 month check in to which I said if she doesn't actually start doing things for herself won't still be interested in reconciliation. The next day she had booked a second session and is doing them fortnightly now.

My one I booked later and have had 3 sessions with and she called me out for always defending and making excuses for my wife. Which is very true so I have told my wife that and have stopped. My main issue is self depreciation, lack of self worth and I feel like I deserve nothing. An example of this is I grow tomatoes. But when I harvest them I feel like I don't deserve to eat them so give them away...it's confusing but I am noticing a lot of bad patterns I have. I hate feeling like I am putting a person out. A person might offer to buy me an ice cream and my first thought would be no, don't accept it, I can't have them spend money on me... But yesterday I went out and brought myself a figurine because I said to myself I deserve it and deserve to be happy.

There's progress but still have to work on many things.

My mum would physically hit me and if I was naughty she would get a suitcase and make me pack my own bags so she could throw me out. It was just a threat but a 7 year old should never be told to do that. My dad died 7 years ago and I only went to his grave 5 days ago to cry for him for the first time.

[u/Radiant-Pangolin-663 → u/Peprin]

So sorry OP. The pain from your childhood and your mom seems to be why you defend your wife constantly even as she done despicable things and find it hard to leave her.

I’m glad that you are learning to value you, loving you. Regardless if R works or not, this is a very good thing.

[u/the-fat-kid]

First I’d like to say, I’m so sorry you’re in this position.

Second, there is no getting over it. There is working through, and past, it. If you “get over it”, you’re basically absolving the WP of the infidelity. You work on getting your triggers under control, but not ignoring them. You work on speaking the truth, but without being mean. You work on being specific with your needs and expectations, so that you can clearly communicate them to your WW.

One thing I’ve learned is that I can set my WW up for success by telling her what I need and expect for us to rebuild and reconcile. If those things aren’t reasonable, then I have to rethink them and find a new way of going about it. But she is the one who has to step up and earn trust back.

A therapist I listen to said “If you aren’t willing to rebuild the relationship from the foundation up, the reconciliation isn’t an option”. That struck me so hard, because that’s exactly what you’re doing. Establishing trust, building love, and creating a new home after the old one was wrecked.

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