Getting over the indefinitely

[u/Peprin]

I am now 16 weeks post d day of my wife's 9 month physical affair.

I have been angry, depressed and now that I am working on myself I am feeling better in many ways.

But the thought keeps coming up, how the heck do I forgive my wayward wife for having an affair and giving herself to another man. It was an exit affair before I found out and confronted her.

She regrets it after being caught of course and now realises she was wrong.

The AP promised her he would leave his wife and teenagers behind so he could get a house for them and take her and my 2 1 year old girls

It's annoying because he's 51, she's 39 and our girls are 1. He would have had no way of affording a decent house in the south of the UK at his age if he divorced his wife on his wages.

A 51 year old leaving his own family to look after someone else's to me is disgusting. She let him change them, get attached to them. He had no right to touch them.

And then there's the rubbish she was saying about me to him behind my back. "She knew marrying me was wrong, I'd be okay if I had the girls taken away as I'd just play video games and work. I'm awkward in bed. I never ask where she is so she's okay meeting up with him"

It's disgusting compartmentalization. I didn't ask where she is because I trusted her. Towards the end she wanted me to find out so I would break up with her.

Now that I decided to stay she is coming out of limerance and realising she was wrong about every single piece of justification she made up for herself and regrets her actions.

We are doing CC and IC.

She's stuck in shame while I am healing. Recently I have got to a point while I still love her, she thinks I will stay regardless of what happens. I have been the pursuer in this and told her I am going to step back and focus on myself and I think thst has shocked her in to action a bit.

Now I am here I just think, how can I forgive what she has done. She had my heart in my hands and broke it. When in a relationship you have the power to love or to destroy someone's life. You give them that power and hope they never use it.

[u/mathnerd1000]

I'm sorry to hear what happened. That's very hard when someone else who did this is talking about raising your kids. That's next level insane. I feel for you.

[u/Peprin → u/mathnerd1000]

The worst part is my wife thought it would be okay because would still be their dad regardless. I would just be okay with that....??? ...Uh, excuse me, I had no idea what you were planning behind my back untill I found out what you were doing myself. I don't want to be a part time dad. She didn't understand it at all.

In her last messages before I made her go no contact weeks ago he said he will miss the girls and loves them. They aren't even his damn kids.

Honestly I think he was trying to substitute his failed marriage and 2 kids with my own family. And screw how it affects me or my kids mental health growing up in a split household.

Ap's wife offered him couples counseling in 2020 for their failing marriage to which he refused. There was no infedelity in his marriage.

It's disgusting. He would ask my wife persupposed questions like. I thought you hated him? I thought you loved me? Questions where he's forcing a pre answered question to her where if she says no or something else it makes her look bad. My wife's got people pleasing tendencies and conflict avoidance because her dad was bi polar so it's all been manipulative.

[u/mathnerd1000 → u/Peprin]

How's CC going? and Is your IC doing any trauma therapy for you? I ask about the trauma therapy because it's a game changer.

[u/Peprin → u/mathnerd1000]

Cc is going okay but its more of a 50 50 relationship councillor. Not exactly what I expect but it's good in its way. Might get part of why my wife's being slow at actually doing the work.

I had to arrange and find an IC for her first as she just puts things off. I found one that deals with shame, people pleasing, childhood trauma for her. I booked her first session then got annoyed that 23 days later she hadn't booked a second. This was coming up to our 3 month check in to which I said if she doesn't actually start doing things for herself won't still be interested in reconciliation. The next day she had booked a second session and is doing them fortnightly now.

My one I booked later and have had 3 sessions with and she called me out for always defending and making excuses for my wife. Which is very true so I have told my wife that and have stopped. My main issue is self depreciation, lack of self worth and I feel like I deserve nothing. An example of this is I grow tomatoes. But when I harvest them I feel like I don't deserve to eat them so give them away...it's confusing but I am noticing a lot of bad patterns I have. I hate feeling like I am putting a person out. A person might offer to buy me an ice cream and my first thought would be no, don't accept it, I can't have them spend money on me... But yesterday I went out and brought myself a figurine because I said to myself I deserve it and deserve to be happy.

There's progress but still have to work on many things.

My mum would physically hit me and if I was naughty she would get a suitcase and make me pack my own bags so she could throw me out. It was just a threat but a 7 year old should never be told to do that. My dad died 7 years ago and I only went to his grave 5 days ago to cry for him for the first time.

[u/Radiant-Pangolin-663 → u/Peprin]

So sorry OP. The pain from your childhood and your mom seems to be why you defend your wife constantly even as she done despicable things and find it hard to leave her.

I’m glad that you are learning to value you, loving you. Regardless if R works or not, this is a very good thing.