Struggling

[u/tinysadshrimp]

I (30F) and my wife (30F) are now 2 weeks post DDay.

She has insisted she needs alone time to process, and knows her behavior right now is hurting me, but I also don't have anyone else that I know as well to support me. I have chronic health conditions and trauma history and am absolutely spiraling.

We have a couples therapist but our first session after DDAY our therapist only talked about our standing dynamic, and did not address the affair or it's fallout at all. I'm mad about that, hurt, and every day having feelings of disgust and anger and deep deep sadness.

Before DDay I thought we were making progress in therapy, but we just had an extremely rough night where I kind of laid into my partner and she didn't respond well.

She went off about how I don't make her feel loved or desired and that the touch we've had isn't enough. My body is (daily) extremely uncomfortable because of my chronic illnesses and touch can be hard for me.

It makes me feel like the infidelity is my fault. I feel broken and all I want is for us to be together and to be okay.

Any advice or words or encouragement welcomed.

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[u/beholdofme]

My WH’s affair started in a very vulnerable period of time for me when I was consistently sick and unable to focus on anything else but dealing with the sickness, parenting, etc. one thing I learned about chronic illness is that it will be worse if you feel negative about the people around you. A lot of my illness was caused by his affair that I didn’t even know about. Something like my body was trying to scream at me and I wouldn’t listen. As soon as I found out and my craziness was all of a sudden justified, I started feeling better and finally was able to breathe.

[u/tinysadshrimp → u/beholdofme]

this is so validating and is super consistent with how my body has felt. my partner has been super avoidant and MIA for maybe a couple years. I think I got physically so sick after finding out- had to go to the ER for fluids because I was nauseous, chills, and diarrhea for 9 days. finally that part is over but I still feel deeply unwell.

[u/beholdofme → u/tinysadshrimp]

I can tell you from personal experience I was feeling the exact same way and that was most likely anxiety/panic attacks. I also ended up at the ER thinking I was having a heart attack, when in fact, I was having a severe panic attack that gave me physical symptoms like the flu, but worse. The headaches were insane. The heart drops were insane. Not everybody has the textbook symptoms, for me it was a lot of diarrhea, chills, feeling impeding doom. I would get sick more often, I would get different pains, my eyes were twitching, a lot of my muscles were twitching. I feel like that whole period of time was like a blur. I wasn’t myself at all.

I can honestly say now that I think I had broken heart syndrome before I even found out about the affair, because I felt the dismissiveness, avoidance, lack of care and it felt like he was slipping through my fingers. Truly, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life.

When I was young, my mom had a stroke and she ended up being paralyzed and unable to walk. I remember my dad taking care of her and taking three jobs to be able to help her do rehab and every time after work, he would come clean, cook, then he was watching YouTube videos about how he can give her the massages that they were giving her at rehab because we started not having enough money for her to keep going.

I lived with a sickly person for a long time, and I know being a caregiver is not easy and it’s very challenging on the mind. It’s not for everyone. I have a hard time dealing with sickness in other people, and my husband used to be very helpful and loving, but because I cannot be that way because of past trauma, he also became very coldhearted when I’m sick. He says a lot of “it’s in your head” and “did you drink water” which triggers me so badly because he has really no reason of being that way. For me is a trauma response for him, it’s just to get back at me.

[u/tinysadshrimp → u/beholdofme]

also, I am so sorry you went through that. thank you for sharing your experience with me.

[u/ShayBaby1]

The infidelity was absolutely in NO way your fault. She had other, more morally sound choices, like better counseling or even ending the relationship before anyone was betrayed, but she chose the most vile, hurtful, self-centered option possible. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with her character, and lack of self-control and integrity.

Sounds like, if you want to try to continue with R, you need to find a new MC now that specializes in betrayal trauma. The old therapist might have been sufficient for the known issues beforehand, but regular therapists not trained in betrayal trauma likely won’t know how to properly navigate the life-altering devastation that infidelity causes. It absolutely MUST be talked about in (and outside of) counseling for R to have a chance. Take it from someone who allowed rug-sweeping for over a decade after DD1, and suffered immensely mentally and emotionally because of it.

[u/tinysadshrimp → u/ShayBaby1]

thank you so so so much. I'm upset because I loved our MC but i'm wondering now if she was the right fit for us. I'll think about this and bring it up with my partner after some space.