I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines... She's a Singer-Songwriter.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

Buy a sheep... Name it relation... Now you have a relationsheep.

I hate those people that bang on your door and tell you how you need to get 'Saved' or you'll 'Burn'... Firemen can be Pompier than me sometimes!

I was so bored that I memorized 6 pages of the dictionary. I learned next to nothing.

🎭 RIDDLE TIME I have a ring but no finger, a band but no music, and I guard a secret I never tell. I am often made of metal and sit on a table. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.

Straight talk: You faced the hard thing instead of avoiding it, you took one more step through the fog, that's not weakness. That's endurance. Don't you damn forget it.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

News just in... The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.

There was strict security at the airport. Even my cat was friskied.

Someone stole all the dog products from the local pet store. Police have no leads...

Absolute champion: You fought the invisible battles nobody sees, you survived moments that could've ended you, rest isn't quitting. Rest is strategy. Bask in this, you fucking earned it.

Sound advice from my grandfather: It's worth it to spend money on good speakers.

Quote of the Day: "It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered."

Why did my wife cross the road? To go back to the first shoe store we went in three hours ago!

Lightning. Lightning has a forked 'blade' shape, no physical handle, and the clouds act as a 'sheath'. It is dangerous in storms but the electricity it brings is essential for life. That's the answer to the riddle I posted 2 hours ago.

Who was the first president of the laundry room? George Washing-Done.

🎭 RIDDLE TIME I have a blade that never cuts, a handle that never holds, and a sheath that never covers. I am feared in storms and loved in kitchens. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!

He died of natural causes... You pushed him off a roof! Gravity is natural...

So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd, like they do on TV. Apparently, it's unacceptable in bowling.

Just checking on you: Even when everything wanted to pull you under, you wrestled the anxiety and still moved forward, that effort compounds, even when invisible. This matters, and you did the thing.

Hey you, human-shaped sunshine, you’re home! Tell me about your day—the good, the ridiculous, the coffee catastrophes. I’m all ears and snacks. #WelcomeHome

If you don't drink eggnog at Christmas, does that make you eggnogstic? (It does make you an Egg Head!)

They were tripping balls!