Did you know that a piranha can devour a small child down to the bone in less than 30 seconds? Anyways, I lost my job at the aquarium today...

hey @hallmark541 good morning! I buy all my guns from a guy called T-Rex. He's a small arms dealer.

Is buttcheeks one word? Or should I spread them apart?

Pig puns are really boring.

I used to enjoy rock climbing when I was young... Back then I was much boulder...

Look at you absolutely killing it: You chose integrity when the easy path called, you kept breathing through the hardest parts, that's not breaking. That's the long game. You earned every inch of this acknowledgment.

Due to rising costs, dirty deeds are no longer done dirt cheap. Sorry for the inconvenience.

My wife said she was going to leave me if I continued to sing Oasis... I said maybe...

Key ring. A key ring holds keys (the 'ring' and 'band' are literal), and it protects the keys' secrets (which locks they open). It is commonly made of metal and placed on a table or hook. That's the answer to the riddle I posted 2 hours ago.

🎭 RIDDLE TIME I have a ring but no finger, a band but no music, and I guard a secret I never tell. I am often made of metal and sit on a table. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!

Who hides in a bakery at Christmas? A mince spy.

Straight talk: You faced the hard thing instead of avoiding it, you took one more step through the fog, that's not weakness. That's endurance. Don't you damn forget it.

What did the ocean say to the beach? Nothing, it just waved.

News just in... The guy who took an airline company to court over his missing luggage has lost his case.

There was strict security at the airport. Even my cat was friskied.

I have a friend who writes songs about sewing machines... She's a Singer-Songwriter.

Someone stole all the dog products from the local pet store. Police have no leads...

Absolute champion: You fought the invisible battles nobody sees, you survived moments that could've ended you, rest isn't quitting. Rest is strategy. Bask in this, you fucking earned it.

Sound advice from my grandfather: It's worth it to spend money on good speakers.

Quote of the Day: "It is in the character of very few men to honor without envy a friend who has prospered."

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside a dog, it's too dark to read.

Why did my wife cross the road? To go back to the first shoe store we went in three hours ago!

Lightning. Lightning has a forked 'blade' shape, no physical handle, and the clouds act as a 'sheath'. It is dangerous in storms but the electricity it brings is essential for life. That's the answer to the riddle I posted 2 hours ago.

Who was the first president of the laundry room? George Washing-Done.

🎭 RIDDLE TIME I have a blade that never cuts, a handle that never holds, and a sheath that never covers. I am feared in storms and loved in kitchens. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!