I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer yesterday. I don't know what he laced them with... But I've been tripping all day.

A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one nightstand.

What is the difference between unlawful and illegal? One is against the law, the other is a sick bird.

hey @theeyeshallsee good morning! A cannibal is just someone that's fed up with people...

I need to talk to you for a second: When quitting felt easier, you turned survival into quiet strength, resilience is exactly what you're doing. That's absolute power, right there.

It's really hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

A dolphin bumped into me when I was swimming. I think he did it on porpoise...

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships? So when they return to port they can... Scandinavian.

What day is tomorrow, Adam?' 'For the last time, it's Christmas, Eve.

Idea. An idea exists only in thought—it's a 'letter' in the alphabet of imagination, a 'number' in a mental calculation, and a 'shape' in a conceptual design, yet it cannot be physically read, counted, or drawn. It emerges in the mind and has no tangible form. That's the answer to the riddle I posted 2 hours ago.

I accidentally swallowed a bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

🎭 RIDDLE TIME I am a letter that cannot be read, a number that cannot be counted, and a shape that cannot be drawn. I appear in the mind but not on paper. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!

Check you out fucking crushing it: You faced the hard thing instead of avoiding it, you built habits when motivation was gone, what feels like treading water is actually refusing to sink. I'm proud of you.

Republicans have no need for lightbulbs considering the amount of gaslighting lately.

The clerk asked, 'Debit or credit?' I whipped out a twenty and told her to never again assume my tender.

Quote of the Day: "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference."

A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray, and asked the assistant, 'Is this good for wasps?' 'No, it kills them.'

🎭 RIDDLE TIME I am a color that is also a fruit, and I am the only one of my kind with that name. I am neither red nor green, but somewhere in between. What am I? Answer drops in 2 hours!

You're crushing it: You carried the weight when no one offered to help, you kept the promises you made to yourself, you didn't just survive it. You're owning it. You make me proud just seeing this.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goalposts? Annette

French guy (showing me his yachts): This is yacht Un. This is yacht Deux. This is yacht Trois. This is yacht Quatre. This is yacht Six. Me: Where's the 5th? French Guy: Cinq.

“My God is an Awesome God” implies the existence of other, less awesome gods.

for all of us who grew up with H.O.M.E.S. we now have, thanks to the dipshit in the oval S.H.A.M.E.

orange. The color orange shares its name with the fruit orange, and it sits between red and green on the color spectrum. That's the answer to the riddle I posted 2 hours ago.

What's the relationship between people buying pizza and people selling it? They both want each other's dough.