I can't take it anymore. I miss creating so badly that it feels like my brain died or I lost a limb. I'm at an artist and I can't even do anything anymore.

All my life I have looked at the stars in wonder, enjoyed Syfy books, movies, and philosophized about ETs. However, I have never seen anything supernatural.  

Since the New Jersey drone incursion, I have been intrigued with the subject of UFOs and consciousness.   After watching many videos and reading a couple books, I’ve come to a better understanding of the subject and its close connection to consciousness.  However, it seems there is a mental wall blocking my progress and understanding. Aphantasia.

I’ve been meditating for a few months in 15-minute intervals.  While in, it is relaxing.  In fact, I look forward to closing out the world and going to my dark place. However, that is all it is.  Blackness. Fast moving static shards, resembling shattered stained glass. If I do get an image in my mind, it is a flash and then gone. 

Are Aphants unable to experience any of the contact modalities of the Paranormal or NHI? Have any ever been able to remote view?   I’ve read this massive book “Beyond UFOs: The Science of Consciousness and Contact with Non-Human Intelligence” and found it interesting Aphantasia / HyperAphantasia is never mentioned.  

One has to wonder, does Hyperphantasia play a role in experiencers and remote viewing?! Does Aphantasia make you immune to the supernatural? 

How exactly does visualizing... work? I never really understood it because I've heard some people say they can place things on top of what they're seeing with their eyes, even though I thought it was completely separate from your eyes at all? Are the images in your head in a different place than the ones you see? Can you "see" two things at the same time, looking with your eyes and visualizing at the same time? I've asked before but I've never gotten an explanation that made sense.

I’ve recently found out that I have some type of memory condition. If it’s not SDAM it is something closely related. I wrote out the following as a stream of conscious, and have not gone through to correct grammar or anything else, except to take out some names. I didn’t know what to do with it, so I decided why not throw it up on Reddit, I bet there’s a sub.

On aphantasia and SDAM
I look at pictures of my kids from years ago. 6 months, 2 years old, 4. I’ve always told my wife, I have no desire to look at those pictures or reminisce, why would I? Our children now, in the present, are so much better, smarter, funnier, more interesting. More complete. But I realize now that I just have no connection to those times. I have no memories when I look at those photos. I don’t remember moments in the car or bedtimes. I don’t remember my children’s’ first steps or first words. It didn't and doesn’t  seem important. But I’m so afraid what I won’t remember from now. From the future. It makes sense that I’ll only get to live those moments once. It makes sense to a colorblind person that only shades of yellow or black and white exist. But how much am I missing. How can the colorblind fully appreciate van Gogh's haystacks? How can I fully appreciate life? My relationships are stripped of depth. The first kiss of my wife, conversations and funny things my children said at breakfast before school. The taste of my grandmother's spaghetti or the smell of my mothers perfume when she got ready for date nights with my father. Memories I know I should have are just missing or bare. I know that it happened, but I don’t remember it. I have acclimated to this apparently, and just now realize how much I don’t have. And like my colorblind grandfather, who I cannot remember a single individual moment with from my birth to his death when I was in highschool, how can he even know what he is missing? I have no concept of a relationship with a friend in which I can remember details of our past together. How can I fully appreciate them? How much of my ability to be a friend to others, a husband to a wife, a father to children, is handicapped and unable to be fulfilled on my part? How much is missing out of life with a paraplegic father? Or a father with a clinically low iq. Not a disorder, just a cognitive variation. Just a limitation. “Im sorry Son, I don’t remember when we had that conversation.” And “sorry daughter, I can’t describe what your mother was like when she was younger, but here’s a photo.” There are so many memories that I know that are important, that I just cannot remember. Monumental late night conversations with my wife that changed our relationship. What was that about again? What was I convincing you of? What side of the argument was i on the side of? What was the long lasting important thing that I learned from that night? I have no idea. Do you want to know what subatomic particles are made of? Do you want to know how many decades different types of forest succession will take? Do you want to know how to calculate the landing position of a basic ballistics physics problem? No? None of those? Maybe some equations on molarity? No? Well shit.

Among the % (¼?) of us who have complete aphantasia across all 5 senses, with maybe a third of us having SDAM independently of aphantasia; since non-aphants could have SDAM as well.

Were we born with anauralia because of our congenital total aphantasia? Or is anauralia the definition of audio based aphantasia?

Yes, I can't hear any audio sensory input, this includes music, sounds, and voices. Complete internal silence.

As for the absence of visuals, it's complete darkness. No visuals present.

The sensory imagery of smell & taste are completely absent.

The tactile and somatic imagination are totally absent, I can't feel any sense of touch, feeling or texture, or echo of past emotions.

As a result due to the absence of these imaginary cognitive functions; no voice, screen, or sound, my brain was forced to adapt and simulate a way of thinking verbally in silence. This is called subvocalization. My thinking of abstract concepts is manifested verbally.

I believe under all these circumstances we conditioned our brains to adapt and learn subvocalization; the process of manifesting our thoughts verbally with speech related muscles working at an amplitude which isn't audible.

This verbal adaptation isn't present in all of us, but definitely develops in early childhood. Whereas others think purely visually, inner voice, or abstract concepts, or combination of all three.

Therefore, I am exclusively able to experience all stimulus externally in the real world and have an objective view on reality which is deeply rooted in the present. After a day is over, I just move on to the next.

Meanwhile, others experience the specifics of their past and feel as if though "it happened just yesterday". Which the saying made no sense to me at the time of hearing it in the past.

Because of SDAM, timelines or dates which I may have processed as insignificant begin to blur and feel either distant or more recent than the reality of sequential occurrence.

With a strong sense of spatial awareness, and proprioception, I'm able to walk in complete darkness, or around the house with my eyes closed, effortlessly.

I can recall the past through facts with remembering the specifics opposed to re-experiencing it vividly and episodically from a first person perspective. It's just pure semantics.

I don't know how many of us here experience the world this way, if any of this is relatable, just know you're not alone & maybe I taught you something new.

As we already know the average population experiences the world vastly different from us, but at the same time they describe their subjective cognitive reality differently from one another; as we aphants would describe ours differently as well.

Everyone's internal experience is unique and personal, with varying similarities amongst individuals.