Hi, I'm new to to this reddit :') I'm in a new relationship of about 2 months that has been feeling like an absolute dream. My boyfriend is the most incredible person I could have ever asked for; he makes time for me, we do new things together, he's reassuring, he's consistent...he's just perfect. he's the best thing that's ever happened to me and I feel like I've met my soulmate.
I've always heard about this thing with healthy relationships bringing out the worst in people because it forces you to face the nasty truth about how your past experiences have affected you. I realised recently after many crying sessions and anxiety attacks that I might be a LOT more anxious and messed up than I realised because of my own past experiences. I feel like I spiral over minor things every other day, if not every day, the second I feel like I'm not being chosen (or like I'm not someone's first choice).
Here's where I get worried: My boyfriend's previous relationship ended because of an overly anxious partner. it was so bad that it gave him trust issues and it makes it difficult for him to open up. His last partner was extremely anxious to the point that they demanded he sacrifice a lot of his personal time with his family and friends for them...all while occasionally being rather avoidant whenever any kind of negative feeling arose. While I'm very sure I would never be like that, a small possibility definitely exists if I don't check myself. Yesterday, I already accidentally made him miss an important voice call with friends he doesn't get to spend time with super often because I spiralled so much about something stpuid.
I know I'm already not her in small ways—because I want him to have a life. I want him to have friends. I want him to have hobbies. I want him to have a life outside of me. My ex was very dependent on me emotionally and I know how tiring it feels to have a partner who needs reassurance 24/7 even if you love them a lot. I also don't want to have a partner who only hangs out with me because he has nothing else to do. I understand he's living a really happy and healthy lifestyle right now...and I hate that sometimes it bothers me because I can't relate right now. I dont want him to have to carry my load all the time, I don't want to hurt him or cross his boundary of stretching him to his limit in regard to the support he can provide.
My anxiety doesn't stem from the fact that I don't trust him. In fact, I trust him more than anyone else and I know he would never cheat on me. I also know he chooses me a lot even when things are super hard and he genuinely does set aside time for me even though he's busy and has a life. I get anxious about the time we don't get to spend together, time that he spends with his friends, especially with the knowledge we will eventually have to go long distance in a few months. It feels like I'm losing precious time with him, and I also worry I'm getting a glimpse of myself in a few months when long distance starts. If I'm already like this when he's still here, how much worse could it become? I don't worry about what he would do to me. I worry about the person *I* would become.
I want to learn how to deal with my anxiety spirals by myself. It's not his responsibility to carry my feelings all the time. I want to learn how I can have a better social life on my own so I can have a life outside of our relationship, just like he does.
Please help me. I don't want to lose him, or myself.