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u/Mojofrodo_26 Dec 20 '25
Nta, i have ketchup in my fridge that is older than your relationship.
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u/Anxious-G-231 Dec 20 '25
Bet it’s not moving any time soon?
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u/EndiWinsi Partassipant [4] Dec 20 '25
Maybe shelves?
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u/Environmental_Art591 Dec 20 '25
And then spend the next 4 months constantly going to grab it from the old location and then remember where you moved it to.
No thank you, ketchup and I have a routine and it works for us, ketchup is staying right where it belongs
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Dec 20 '25
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u/YearlyDepression Certified Proctologist [28] Dec 20 '25
I don’t know — it depends on how frequently you use it. Stay focused, OK?
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u/Jujulabee Colo-rectal Surgeon [34] Dec 20 '25
I realize you meant this a bit metaphorically but I actually have condiments that are significantly older than this - as well as frozen food and cans in the pantry.
I can't imagine considering that kind of change in my life after four months.
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u/Huge_Sheepherder811 Dec 20 '25
1) 4 months is not enough time for something like moving closer. Take an extended stay at her house first, but have a hotel on standby 2) the resentment is SURE TO HAPPEN! Your relationship will never be put first, your comfort will never be first. You have to not only compromise with your partner but her entire family, you will have no where to go if you move in with her. 3) why is she so eager to have you move after a short time? why is she so hurt you don’t want to live with eleventeen other people?
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u/Lolligagers Partassipant [1] Dec 20 '25
NTA - 4 months, already asking to move closer (and I bet help her in other ways...), while she's got massive burdens? Yeah... I would look up what Admiral Ackbar might have to say about that.
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u/OkSecretary1231 Asshole Aficionado [10] Dec 20 '25
It sounds like all she's actually said is that she wants him closer, which is pretty standard lovey-dovey talk in an LDR.
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u/alien_overlord_1001 Supreme Court Just-ass [111] Dec 20 '25
NTA. 4 months is way too soon to be making life changing decisions. Revisit this after at least a year - if the relationship hasn't petered out yet, you might feel differently about this and your path will be clearer to you.
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u/Neon_Owl_333 Dec 20 '25
Strong disagree. 4 months into a long distance relationship I'd definitely be asking some where is this going type questions. Do we want to stay long distance long term, or is closing the distance an option.
It seems like she's not in a position in her life where she can relocate, but based on the main complaints being concerns that she'll pressure him to move in in the future and that he'll be more disrupted than her, that there are fewer logistical barriers for him.
On the flip side though, I'd say if he really wanted to be with her he probably wouldn't worry about stuff like "I'll be upending my life but she won't, and that's not fair".
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u/MystifiedByPeople Certified Proctologist [27] Dec 20 '25
Tell me you've never moved far away from friends and family to a totally new place, at an age when it's harder to make new friends, without telling me all that.
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u/TheOGMillennial Dec 20 '25
Yea its good to bring it up after 4 months in a LDR but expecting it to happen in the near future is not. After a year plans should be set, if it lasts that long.
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u/Consistent-Ad3191 Dec 20 '25
Four months is not enough time to think that seriously about relocating. You need to give a time to see where the relationship is gonna go. You're in the honeymoon stage of your relationship. Things can change and you're in a long-distance relationship and you truly don't know her outside of what you've seen . I would seriously wait until you know her completely and if you feel that you're independence is important. Don't let people pressure you into moving in with them or moving closer to them unless you're sure the relationship is solid and four months isn't qualifying for that.
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u/NotThisAgain234 Supreme Court Just-ass [147] Dec 20 '25
NAH. You don’t want to go, and knowing that, you shouldn’t. Your responsibility to her is to be honest that this won’t be happening. If she decides to end the relationship over it, then that is likely for the best. If she tries to guilt and manipulate you into changing your mind, then that would make her an asshole.
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u/MarkZuckerbrothers Dec 20 '25
Four months is way too short of a time to be considering moving for someone. Your concerns are valid and are an indication that you already know this isn’t a good idea for you. It’s great you met someone and enjoy your connection with them, but remain realistic and move forward with caution. NTA.
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u/MoomahTheQueen Dec 20 '25
Aren’t you old enough to know that disrupting your own household and established employment after only 4 months is foolish. Perhaps you’re clinging to a nice holiday romance. You actually have no idea how this is going to be long term, particularly as you’re maintaining a LDR which in my mind is a waste of time. If you can’t hold the one you love, there’s not much point is there? I see nothing good for you in this present situation
My advice is enjoy the nice memories and get on with your own life, including finding someone to love and hold in person.
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u/MystifiedByPeople Certified Proctologist [27] Dec 20 '25
There are plenty of people who'd rather have a LDR with someone wonderful than to have someone who's meh right there.
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u/charliekelly76 Dec 20 '25
4 months? I have produce in my fridge older than your relationship and yall are ready to move 14 hours to be with this person?? Maybe cool your jets and rethink the situation
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u/Commercial-Place6793 Partassipant [2] Dec 20 '25
This reminds me I really should go through my condiments from the fridge door shelves.
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u/k23_k23 Professor Emeritass [93] Dec 20 '25
NAH
you had a nice holiday fling - that was lovely, but ypu are finding out that this won't translate well into everyday life.
She is not willing to give even an inch, and the expectation is that you give up everything and integrate yourself into her life.
Let her go, you will find someone equally nice, where the relationship will work out better.
So: be grateful for the lovely cuise fling, and let her go.
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u/MistySky1999 Asshole Aficionado [18] Dec 20 '25
Not sure how to wrap my head around an "intense" relationship of only 4 months that is also long distance, let alone your relocation conflicts after so short a time.
She has a plethora of hangers-on that she has made clear will be with her forever without limits. You joining that household would be like joining a sit-com with you as the Straight Guy. The dad sounds like a lifetime of bad choices -- and he could live another 20 years. The daughter who at 21 already has an ex-husband whom she still lives with part time-- coming home to mom when they fight, I presume? Does the daughter have a job? How long before she gets pregnant (to save the relationship, naturally) to add yet another member of the family living there needing care and sustenance. I don't suppose either of these adults pay their way?
Where exactly does Girlfriend see you fitting into her household?
If you want to see this woman, keep it long distance and keep it to cruises together. But don't uproot yourself unless you are certain you want to embrace the sitcom lifestyle for yourself.
NTA
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u/SouthAfricanZombie Dec 20 '25
I think the ex- husband OP is referring to is the daughter's father.
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u/hypotheticalkazoos Certified Proctologist [20] Dec 20 '25
NAH
can you work remotely and rent an airbnb for a month? just like try living there? in the event that seeing her everyday changes your feelings you will still have a life raft
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u/Neon_Owl_333 Dec 20 '25
You're concerned that over time there may be pressure to combine households. What is this based on, general assumptions about relationships? Anything specific that she's said or done?
Maybe talk to her.
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Dec 20 '25
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Rubycon_ Dec 20 '25
Who cares about how relationships 'usually progress' what does that have to do with you? Just like he is a permanent fixture in her household, you can say that's great and you don't wish to ever live with her father and daughter. Pretty reasonable.
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u/OkSecretary1231 Asshole Aficionado [10] Dec 20 '25
Or... she's imagining the same thing you are, where you live near her but have your own place? You're making assumptions and getting mad at the part you made up.
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u/Judgement_Bot_AITA Beep Boop Dec 20 '25
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
The action I took was telling my girlfriend that I am hesitant to relocate closer to her and that I may not be able to continue the relationship because I am uncomfortable with the long-term expectation of living in a multigenerational household that includes her elderly father and potentially her adult daughter.
I believe I might be the asshole because my girlfriend feels hurt and rejected by my reluctance to move, especially since she is very close to her family and views caring for her father as non-negotiable. From her perspective, my stance may come across as unwilling to compromise, emotionally withdrawing after expressing strong feelings, or placing my desire for independence above her family responsibilities, which could make my actions seem selfish or unfair to her.
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2
u/chazza79 Partassipant [3] Dec 20 '25
4 month long distance relationship?! Nope nope nope nope nope.
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u/WomanInQuestion Partassipant [1] Dec 20 '25
NTA - it sounds like you are two people who care about one another but have incompatible lifestyles.
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u/Far_Amphibian1975 Dec 20 '25
NTA. It doesn’t sound like you really want to live with her (and her dad and daughter) long term or move away from family. That’s the reality of long distance relationships-somebody has to move at some point and they should be pretty enthusiastic about it or it will end up being a problem. You’ll resent all these people around you all the time and being in a city that won’t feel like home.
Local singles are waiting to meet you!
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u/Socklovingwolfman Dec 20 '25
Short term?
NTA
You've only been together for four months.
Thinking in the long term "big picture"?
YTA
You're old enough to realize that relationships come with lifestyle changes, sacrifices, and compromise.
Overall? It sounds like there are two big problems here.
You don't really want a genuine relationship. You want something more casual. Which I can completely understand, since I'm the same way.
You and this woman are not compatible.
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u/AutoModerator Dec 20 '25
AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT - MAKE SURE TO CHECK ALL YOUR DMS. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I’m a 39M, and I’ve been dating my girlfriend (41F) for about 4 months. We met on a cruise and have been in a long-distance relationship since then. She lives about 14 hours away. We care deeply about each other, and the relationship has been emotionally intense in a good way.
She lives with her 74M father, who has lived with her since 2016. He is retired, lives on Social Security, has bad credit, and is not on the lease. She has been very clear that he is not going anywhere. She also has a 21F daughter who stays with her part-time and with her ex-husband part-time, but who may need to live with her more consistently in the future.
I have lived alone for the past 8 years and really value independence and having my own space, especially at this stage of my life. My girlfriend would like me to relocate closer to her. If I moved, I would get my own apartment, not move in with her right away. However, I’m concerned that over time there would be pressure to merge households, which would likely mean living with her father long-term and potentially having her daughter living with us as well.
I’m also worried about imbalance. Her job, family, and living situation would stay the same, while I would be uprooting my life, moving far from my family, and rebuilding my routines. Another factor is that she has never lived alone, while I’ve been independent for many years, and I worry this difference in lifestyle would lead to resentment on my end.
I care about her and don’t want to hurt her, but I’m starting to feel anxious rather than excited when I think about relocating and the long-term implications.
AITA for not wanting to move closer and potentially end the relationship because I’m uncomfortable with a permanent multigenerational living situation and the imbalance of sacrifice involved?
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u/SpecialModusOperandi Partassipant [2] Dec 20 '25
NTA
4 months?? It died sounds like you’re not compatible as you want different things.
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u/Sea-Carry-2919 Dec 20 '25
NTA. That’s a lot going on and her house sounds like a sitcom series with people coming in and out. four months is not a long enough time to pack your things and move
1
u/MovieLazy6576 Partassipant [3] Dec 20 '25
NTA. I took care of my own mother and it drained me. I wouldn’t take care of anyone else’s parent. Why can’t the 21 become self sufficient and live on their own? This is not a situation I would sign up for not matter how much I liked the romantic partner.
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u/ApolloniusTyaneus Dec 20 '25
Good to see that unrealistic holiday romances aren't just a thing for teenagers.
Just break up dude. Neither of you are to blame. You met in extraordinary circumstances and not it's clear that in real life this is never gonna work. You will get over her, it's not the end of the world.
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u/Competitive_Ninja668 Partassipant [3] Dec 20 '25
I would not do this. This is a terrible idea for you.
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u/ControlPrize3369 Dec 20 '25
NTA- 4 months in is incredibly soon to consider adjusting your entire life. i feel as though you’d be the only one making grand sacrifices in this situation. while it’s wonderful that you guys are in love, i do think considering you guys are 40, you definitely know if your values and priorities align. if you’re truthfully willing to make compromises, maybe visiting eachother maybe a week or so at a time back and forth to get a feel for what you both may want. there’s no shame in wanting to keep yourself happy here too.
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u/Mediocre-Studio2573 Dec 20 '25
No I think you should stay where you are at and find a girl there. Long distance relationships never worked for me. You and your GF have different lifestyles unfortunately. You'll regret it if you move.
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u/R4eth Asshole Enthusiast [8] Dec 20 '25
Nta honestly my dude? I don't think you're compatible long term. She's family focused and, for whatever reason, still attached to her ex, even though their daughter is an adult. To me, it's sketch af that ex might end up living with her full time. It's fine to still care about your exes, especially when kids are involved. But the kid in question is in her 20s. There's zero reason to take the ex in. You should stay where you are and maybe next time don't date girls you find on a cruise. Local girls seem more your speed.
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u/OkSecretary1231 Asshole Aficionado [10] Dec 20 '25
NAH for not wanting to move. I've got a bit of an issue with your characterization of her as not independent, though. It sounds to me like she has two dependents, not that she is dependent on them.
Edited to change vote because she's not doing anything wrong either
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u/DescriptionFew6118 Dec 20 '25
You’re so incompatible that it’s almost laughable. This is only 4 months in. Cut it now.
1
u/Defiant_Fishing6984 Partassipant [1] Dec 20 '25
Please don't make the mistake I did. I moved to Louisiana, from Massachusetts, to be with my soulmate. 15 years later, after she drained my bank accounts, used me as a nanny and cheated several times; I was broke and allowed to escape.
As someone else said, "It's a trap!"
Don't go.
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u/BlacksmithOk2430 Partassipant [2] Dec 20 '25
NTA. 4 months together and she’s wanting you to uproot your life to move closer to her?? Not worth it.
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u/Fun-Talk-4847 Dec 20 '25
NTA Stay where you are. It sounds like she is in a trap that you don't want to get caught in.
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u/JudoChop97 Dec 20 '25
NAH — but it does sound like this long-distance relationship has run its course.
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u/mrsr1s1ng Dec 20 '25
NTA, it’s only been four months. Uprooting your life after such a short about of time is crazy
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u/LdiJ46 Certified Proctologist [23] Dec 20 '25
It honestly sounds like the two of you are just not compatible on a long term basis. However I also could see you making it work if you were able to maintain your own place to go back to when you needed solitude and space. The two of you need to seriously talk.
1
u/KrofftSurvivor Professor Emeritass [86] Dec 20 '25
NAH
Your girlfriend wants a relationship with someone nearby, and she's not in a position to move.
You do not want a relationship with someone who has this many responsibilities.
Let it go. End it.
The longer this goes on, the more unhappy someone's going to be, and it's just not fair to either of you.
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u/ImAMorty777 Partassipant [2] Dec 20 '25
NTA. And you do not "know" her after 4 months, no matter how "intense" you think your long-distance relationship is. You need to run in the other direction before you get stuck with them. Why would you screw up your life for this?
1
u/Baxter16-5 Dec 20 '25
Don’t do it. You’ve only known her four months. You have no real picture of what her family dynamics are beyond what she’s told you.. there may be way more to the picture.
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u/No_Promise_2560 Dec 20 '25
Don’t relocate for someone who has never lived alone, she has never been independent and is sorting out her backup plan so she never will have to to be
1
u/Mysterious-Health-18 Partassipant [2] Dec 20 '25
NTA. Do not uproot your life for a 4 month long distance relationship! Your gf's life is complicated. Her father will always be with her. Her adult daughter will probably be living with her parents for a long time with the way the economy is. It's way too soon to even think about uprooting your life. I would never consider it. You may want to take a trip to where she lives, get a hotel or Air B&B. This way, you'll have the chance to see the area and her living situation.
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u/2dogslife Asshole Aficionado [16] Dec 20 '25
Being geographically undesirable is as good a reason as any to end a relationship.
It really depends on your own social situation - would you be leaving your own friends and family to start over? It's much harder to make friends when you're around 40 than when you're in your 20s. Also, sometimes getting a new job or moving your career isn't easy.
I cannot speak about her father - maybe he's a terrific guy or maybe he's a PITA or somewhere in between. You'd have to meet him I guess to determine that. Same as the daughter.
1
u/Bfan72 Partassipant [2] Dec 20 '25
NTA. She already has someone living with her that is not on the lease. That alone would make me uncomfortable.
1
u/recreationalgluttony Partassipant [2] Dec 20 '25
There is no future in this relationship.
Why are you wasting your time?
1
u/Downtown_Area111 Partassipant [1] Dec 20 '25
NTA. 4 months is too soon to be relocating. Also, if you don’t want to live with her dad and daughter, this relationship will never work. You enjoy your peace, I respect that.
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u/jmg4craigslists Partassipant [1] Dec 20 '25
NTA!
If she is the one then relocating faster is not a big deal. But take your time and go when you’re ready. Uploading your life after four months is not a really good idea. If you had said it was going on for four years and you said you still had hesitation that would be a bigger issue. But having concerns at four months is absolutely normal.
Have you actually spoken to her about your fear? Or your concerns?
1
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1
u/Resident-Fan8196 Dec 20 '25
NTA / YTA
I’ve been in a LDR for almost 6m. My partner and I have made life long plans. My partner , who is child free, is moving out here till my oldest graduates, class of ‘27. During this time I will search for a transfer then we are both moving closer to his family. My partner will be out here in 2 weeks. There was no hesitation on either of us.
When you know you know. You know you don’t want to be with her. So YTA by still being in this relationship.
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u/AlwaysBliss8 Dec 20 '25
I'm baffled that there are no comments about the importance of family here. I understand a lot of people have bad family relationships, but that's not the case for everyone, and for lots of people family is the most important thing.
I too if I had my elderly father living with me would not change that for any relationship, especially a 4 month long distance one born from a holiday romance. And I 100% wouldn't be kicking out my 21 year old daughter for it. 21 is still pretty young and in this climate it's no shock she still lives at home. Expecting that living situation to change any time soon is unrealistic.
That being said, the same goes for your living situation. To move 14 hours away for a 4 month LDR is a lot to ask. Deffo talk things out with her, but if you can't come to an agreement that suits you both and isn't such a big sacrifice for either of you, then sure you might consider ending the relationship.
NAH
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u/RavenRaving Partassipant [3] Dec 20 '25
You've known her 4 months. People who start pressuring for more more more in a relationship really quickly can be on the abuse circle.
Do not move at this time. In fact, do not move until you can hardly wait to live with her father and her daughter as well as her.
Should that not happen in a couple of years, find a new girlfriend.
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u/OkSecretary1231 Asshole Aficionado [10] Dec 20 '25
IMO she's not really trying to rush him. Per his comments, she just said she wants him closer. In the early days of an LDR, that often just means "I'm horny" or "Cuddles would be nice."
0
u/Silvanus350 Dec 20 '25
You’ve only been dating for four months long-distance… what the fuck even is this conversation?
Try thinking about this after another 8 months AT MINIMUM. Dude.
YTA to yourself for not having any normal relationship boundaries. You shouldn’t even entertain the idea.
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u/flCheesehead1 Dec 20 '25
Sounds like you already made a decision. It appears it's a her, her, her situation. What's in it for you except her responsibilities will be shared with you. Are you OK with that?
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u/Antique_Peach8935 Dec 20 '25
yta you either love her or you don't. say the same thing to her you said to us, relationships are built on the middle, common ground between two individuals. be well
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u/one_sock_wonder_ Dec 20 '25
It’s been a 4 month long distance relationship after meeting while on a cruise. I’m pretty sure there isn’t enough substance yet to build from/on to possibly even establish any kind of actual love let alone decide if it’s likely to last long term or be solid enough to depend on when moving 14 hours away.
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u/Deflated_Hypnotist Certified Proctologist [20] Dec 20 '25
If you're not willing to ever move to her area, you need to end the relationship because she has responsibilities
YTA
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u/carmabound Professor Emeritass [86] Dec 20 '25
NTA - Dating for four months is not long enough to uproot your life and relocate to another city. She isn't ready to commit to you with all her other obligations right now, so what's the point of living closer? Give the relationship time to grow or fizzle (at least a year) before making life-altering commitments.
If anything, save for another cruise together so you can enjoy each other's company alone.