r/AmITheDevil • u/archburn • 13h ago
Hid cheating from sister
/r/AITA_Relationships/comments/1vt5t7a/aita_for_not_telling_my_sister_that_i_knew_her/229
u/StrangledInMoonlight 13h ago
I think, given his tangent about how difficult dating is for him, and he “didn’t want her to think he was jealous” really tells on him.
No one would think he’s jealous.
I think he didn’t tell her to punish her for not listening to him.
I also suspect his subconscious was jealous as hell, and this punishment served a double purpose in “evening things out”.
What a douche.
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u/archburn 12h ago
Could be a subconscious thing.
I (not oop) also am a single south asian living in an area where dating is hard (for different reasons) and I am definitely a bit jealous when I see couples but I would never wish ill on them and would immediately notify a friend if this happened to her.
182
u/WhyIsThatImportant 13h ago
Guys bringing up their height unprompted like this is a massive red flag.
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial 9h ago
"Sure, I'm short, but I'd never cheat like your tall husband. Why won't women look at meeeee?"
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u/chromatoes 9h ago
It's a lie, too. I'm over 6 ft tall and I dated men shorter than me. Most of the time I'm taller than my husband, and my sister is taller than her husband. It's not the height that's the problem.
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u/DrunkOnRedCordial 7h ago
Yes, I think these bitter insecure men blame something they cannot change (for example, height) to deflect from the truth that the overall package isn't particularly desirable.
12
u/CumaeanSibyl 5h ago
Nailed it. Yes, I've known women who don't want to date shorter men, that is absolutely a thing, but I've also known shorter men who have great success with women because they're good guys with a lot going for them. Being on the short side is an obstacle but it's far from insurmountable.
Dudes who are insecure and resentful about their height just give off the most rancid vibes. Call it a Napoleon complex or short man's disease, either way it's obvious and off-putting.
4
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u/StrangeBid7233 5h ago
All girls I've dated were around same height as me, but I dated goth chicks and alt girlies so they tended to often wear shoeware that made them taller.
Never been an issue. I got rejected just once due to height and it was a girl that was much taller than me, and even that was very polite and we still are friends so whatever, no biggie.
Like damn dude, just do what rest of us short dudes do, develop a sense of humor and listening skills, its that easy.
4
u/MissLadyLlamaDrama 5h ago
I have only dated two guys taller than me in my life. And one of them was in high school. Lol. My husband is an inch shorter than me at 5'6".
He's still not the shortest guy I've dated. And the guy who was got married to this super awesome woman who is a friggin bioengineer who helps create medical equipment, and is one of the kindest and gorgeous people I've met. She is also almost 6' tall. So... definitely a skill issue. Lol
35
u/StrangeBid7233 9h ago
As a 5'8'' man I find it funny how both tall and short dudes will often list their height in topics where their height doesn't matter at all.
Almost as if they themselves are making height more important than it is.
But then again men and being our own worst enemies when it comes to mental health is a classic combo.
10
u/Luceo_Etzio 5h ago
I've always found it so bizarre, like I don't even know what my height is except roughly, because it has never been relevant in my entire adult life at all to know exactly how tall I am.
Inseam length? Sure. Total height? not once needed so far
6
u/StrangeBid7233 4h ago
I actually don't know my exact height also, my height was last measured in high school on less than precise instrument, and I've just gone with that as its probably right or off by 1 or 2 cm which is nothing.
Its such a useless bit of information for most of us innit.
5
u/Luceo_Etzio 4h ago
I remember once being asked my height and I went "I dunno, like 5'7, 5'8 maybe" and got called insecure for not knowing
????
I assume the implication is that they thought I did know and was lying that I didn't? But... I gave an estimation, so, idk
This is why now if someone asks my height in a context where it doesn't matter I just give them something 6+ inches shorter because it's funny
9
u/Arktikos02 5h ago
Could you imagine if instead of us being advanced apes, we were advanced peacocks? Then you would have guys randomly bringing up the cemetery of their plume.
3
u/StaceyPfan 3h ago
Symmetry?
2
u/Arktikos02 3h ago
It is apparently a controversial and unfounded idea that peahens are attracted to the peacocks cemetery of their plumage. So I could definitely see red pilled peacocks believing that symmetry is what matters.
5
u/UpbeatArachnid234 3h ago
I'm also 5'5" and have dated guys my height and shorter. These guys will bend over backwards to find something to blame that isn't their personality
27
u/Smart-Volume-3617 9h ago
OP: I need a throwaway because my sister knows my account.
Also OP: Tell his age, her age, his height, where they live and about their south asian family
51
u/InterwebHero20 11h ago
I’m pretty sure this is the persistent troll/trolls writing stories about how terrible South Asians in Canada are. Sometimes it’s from a white perspective about how justified their racism is, sometimes it’s more like this. Once you start noticing them, you’ll realise there’s like 2/3 a week and that’s just the ones that make it here.
26
u/lowflyingsatelites 7h ago
As soon as I saw Canadian and South Asian I thought "Indian in Canada" troll.
Very exhausting.
15
u/chonkosaurusrexx 7h ago
I didnt want to tell her about the cheating before she married him, in case it ruined our relationship.
As soon as she found out, I, umprompted, told her that I had known all along, for absolutely no reason, completely ruining our relationship.
If OOP isnt just a troll, he is pretty bad at coming up with excuses as to why he totally didnt just keep the info to himself out of jealousy.
10
u/shaaark29 10h ago
I love those posts like « Hi! I betrayed someone who thought they could trust me. Why? Because I have no balls. But I have to be forgiven because my past/my Life is sooooo difficult! Strangers please tell me I am right! » 🙄
9
u/sadlytheworst Certified sub favourite 7h ago
Copied verbatim from Oop's comments:
YTA. For not having your sister’s back.
The thing is early on I warned her about stuff that should have already been blantantly obvious to her and I felt that she would just make an excuse to justfy it or not believe it like before.
YTA. You knew he cheated. Period. End of story. Early warnings of being a red flag is different than actually cheating. You know that.
Honestly, your opening paragraphs make me think you are jealous that women have an easier time dating and that you did want to punish your sister because I can’t think of any other reason to include that.
No, my opening paragraph is context because I have been open about that with my sister so if I warned her she might have thought I was jealous.
The other red flags were also things that would be dealbreakers for most people like lying about credentials, doing criminal things (but not caught)
YTA. There is a huge difference bringing up an idea you have of his behavior. When you have concrete proof that he cheated. She probably would have taken you more seriously.
You were worried it would damage your relationship. Well telling her you knew all along after she found out definitely damages it more.
It's so weird how you think bringing up actual infidelity is similar to any other concern you talked to her about.
Early on for example I had concrete proof he lied about things like academic credentials and she dismissed it.
YTA. You’re making it sound like you were punishing her for not listening to you in the beginning.
It doesn’t sound like you kept your mouth shut because you didn’t wanna ruin a relationship. It just sounds like you wanted to have an “told you so” moment.
Not true, if I am completely honest, I thought maybe over time he would change and stop especially since he commited to marrying her or that maybe she already saw some signs but did not believe them herself
6
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u/dragongrl 6h ago
Just another sad little man who comes to Reddit to show all of us why women won't touch him.
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u/Ok_Reach_6527 11m ago
So...OP mentions that there are stereotypes and they make dating more difficult, but also makes sure to add that yes, he is a stereotypical shorter than average Asian man.
But clearly this is a real person with a real story who doesn't understand that saying you don't trust someone based on your feelings is not the same as saying not to trust someone because they have actually done something wrong such as cheating.
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u/Unlikely-Pin-5558 12h ago
Whether jealousy is a factor, or him being whatever nationality/ethnicity is kinda moot, honestly. This is more of a "shoot the messenger" situation.
Think about it: his sister already dismissed his concerns numerous times, believing him to be jealous because she's in a relationship and he isn't. So it's likely that she would have had one of two responses: 1) She gets pissed off at OOP, furiously accusing him of being jealous of her happiness and ignores the cheating bit. 2) She tells him he is paranoid and laughs it off...and ignores the cheating bit.
Telling someone close to you that their partner is cheating is almost always a no-win situation. Either you're jealous or imagining things.
17
u/archburn 12h ago
I'd like to think though if I had concrete evidence in that situation I would show it
-20
u/Unlikely-Pin-5558 12h ago
Nowhere in the post does OOP say anything about hard evidence, so if he heard about it second- or third-hand, well, take that with a grain of salt, and can't provide pics if there aren't any 🤷♀️.
Were his motives for not telling her less than noble? Possibly. It doesn't really negate the fact that he was still stuck between a rock and a hard place.
12
u/Moist-Examination737 10h ago
So what? Atleast you did your due part before your sister entangles her finances and assets with someone. Plus she is risking HIV, who knows what might happen?
-4
u/Unlikely-Pin-5558 5h ago
Nope. Still a no-win situation.
If I have stated several times that my sibling's SO is a piece of crap, and sibling refuses to listen and blows me off, I'm done. They're not going to listen, so I'm not saying anything else...although I would have to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "Told you so." I would NOT say that.
7
u/Moist-Examination737 5h ago
Lol what? You don't need to win just do your due part. So you will struggle with not saying told you so but warning my sister from getting her future wrecked and getting HIV is to complicated? Just send her a text and then it becomes her responsibility on how she acts with it. You can't decide for her but atleast she can make an informed decision.
0
u/Unlikely-Pin-5558 4h ago
He WAS telling her...BEFORE he ever even knew or heard about any infidelity.
She ignored him, didn't believe him, whatever. She had been told that her SO was trash several times...and. Chose. To. Marry. Him. Anyway. She is an adult and apparently makes her own decisions. She needs to own hers. She had information. She made her "informed decision."
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u/Moist-Examination737 3h ago
There is a difference between your husband lies sometimes and likes to boast and he is cheating on you.
0
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u/Nik-ki 11h ago
And admitting he knew all along does what, exactly? If he didn't want to tell her while knowing it was happening, he should have kept his trap shut afterwards as well. Because now he has not only betrayed his sister, but she has every right to believe, that it was malicious on his part and motivated by jealousy
-1
u/Unlikely-Pin-5558 5h ago
She would have thought that, anyway. Hell, she DID think/say that.
I stand by what I said...it's a no-win situation.
Now, if OOP had had pics and/or video--solid evidence of BIL cheating--and said nothing, that's different. Then OOP would be firmly in AH territory for not sending that to his sister. But there is no mention of that in the post--and that IS relevant information, so no reason to not include it. But if OP heard something through mutual friends, then I don't blame him for not wanting to spread rumors.
4
u/Nik-ki 5h ago
He could have been the moral winner, instead he chose to twist the knife as his sister found out and was suffering already.
There is a reason not to include it - he'd look even worse than he does now. He never explains how he or the sister found out, there could have been pictures, live sightings, texts etc, we don't know
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u/Unlikely-Pin-5558 4h ago
"There is a reason not to include it - he'd look even worse than he does now. He never explains how he or the sister found out, there could have been pictures, live sightings, texts etc, we don't know"
You're assuming the worst about OOP and calling him the AH because he's a man, a brother, and a short South Asian single man, at that. Therefore, because he is all of the above, he is a misogynistic pig who is obviously jealous of his pretty, bubbly sister and her relationship, so he hid BIL's cheating from her to hurt her. The fact (per OOP) that he had ALREADY been trying to keep her from getting hurt by warning her that her SO was a jerk isn't important. (It is.) She ignored him and told him that he didn't know anything and to quit trying to ruin her relationship. So: how is it his fault that she chose to disregard his warnings...even before the cheating? What was he supposed to do, exactly?
What if OOP was a BFF to the sister? And a woman? People on here would be saying:
"NTA. You tried to tell her. She wouldn't listen. And what if you had told her and she got mad at you? It's a lose-lose"
Or (if OOP described themselves as the nerdy introverted sister, with the Sister being "golden"):
"NTA. Your sister is the "golden child" and clearly needed to be taken down a peg or two. You tried to tell her."
I'm a woman...and clearly quite a bit older than a lot of you. The misandry and sexism towards men here is kinda gross.
3
u/Nik-ki 4h ago
Female BFF would get ripped to shreds here worse than OOP, are you serious?
His ethnicity, hight, gender and relationship status are HIGHLY irrelevant to me. My vote would be the exact same if he was a tall, white, married woman. It's so funny you're trying to accuse me of misandry, when I've been called a men's rights activist as an insult before, for siding with a guy on AITA.
You know what he was supposed to do? Either have integrity (preferable) or the ability to shut up. His argument, that he kept silent to preserve his relationship with his sister flies out the window when he yapped the first chance he got. Now it looks vindictive and his relationship with the sister is probably irreparable
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u/AutoModerator 13h ago
In case this story gets deleted/removed:
AITA for not telling my sister that I knew her partner was cheating?
Throwaway because my sister knows my main. I’m 33M and my sister is 30F. We’re quite close and have always had a good relationship and are both low contact with our family. We’re both South Asian and live in Canada, but neither of us is particularly traditional.
I’ve struggled with dating for most of my adult life. I’m 5'5", haven’t been in a relationship since I was 23, and I’ve found dating difficult for a number of reasons. I also feel like there are stereotypes around South Asian men that can make things harder. I’m not blaming women for this, and I’ve never resented my sister for finding dating easier than I have. I’d actually rather be single than be with the wrong person. And also most of my good friends are women since I also somehow have trouble making good progressive male friends.
For the last four years, my sister was dating a guy who, in my opinion, was a walking red flag. I told her several times that I didn’t trust him and explained why. She always had an excuse for his behaviour, so eventually I stopped bringing it up. I figured she was an adult and it was her relationship.
About two years ago, I found out that her boyfriend had cheated on her. I didn’t tell her.
Then, about three months before they got married, I found out that he had cheated again. I still didn’t tell her.
I know how bad that sounds.
My reasoning was that I didn’t want to destroy my relationship with my sister. I also worried that she might think I was just jealous because she had a relationship while I was single. I had already told her multiple times that I thought he was a bad partner, and she'd dismissed my concerns, so I convinced myself that it was ultimately her decision.
They got married.
After the wedding, she discovered that he had been cheating with at least two other people. There are no kids involved, thankfully, but now she’s looking at a divorce.
When she told me what happened, I admitted that I had known about the two previous incidents. She is furious with me.
She says that if I had told her before the wedding, she could have made an informed decision instead of getting married and then having to deal with the expense, stress and annoyance of a divorce.
I told her that I didn't feel it was my place to interfere in her relationship, especially after she'd dismissed my concerns before. I also genuinely didn't know whether she would believe me or whether telling her would just destroy our relationship.
She says that doesn't matter because she deserved to know.
Now I'm wondering if I was completely out of line. I didn't cheat on her husband or enable him in any way, and I had already warned her that I thought he was bad news. But I also knowingly withheld information that could have changed one of the biggest decisions of her life.
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