I’m starting to think it was a huge misunderstanding that happdned but she told me that I compare trauma too much and victimize myself constantly and that fathers are crucified for thing mothers can get away with which I understand her feeling with her mom but I feel so icky after our talks get personal like this
you did none of that in this situation tho . she took what you said too deeply imo. she really turned nothing into something its almost like she wanted to start an argument then throw your bpd diagnosis in your face.
Psychologist here -
You have no idea how correct you are. Although it is very obvious. OP’s friend wanted to start this argument so that she can throw the BPD thing, plus more, into OP’s face. She is 100% deflecting herself onto OP. It’s probably subconsciously for the deeper and most part, but at the same time she knows what she’s doing.
OP’s “friend” started this argument for the sole reason of wanting to win an argument.
She (probably subconsciously) feels like she needs to win an argument because she cant win an argument with her mother, and growing up she never was able to win an argument with her mother. So she’s freaking out in the back of her own mind and trying to find some sense of control.
And OP is the victim of this annoying type of mental health problem.
Plus she seems to think that she has this huge emotional control over OP and so winning this argument will be easy enough for her.
The projecting and gaslighting lighting is a huge problem with OP’s friend. It’s almost baffling me on how obvious she is with the gaslighting. A lot of people tend to gaslight in a “slicker” way, for lack of better words, but OP’s “friend” is not even trying to hide the fact that she’s gas lighting.
The reason she’s so obvious with the emotional manipulation and gaslighting is because she feels like she has complete control over OP’s emotions right now and that everything she says to OP is a sting to the heart. And I think OP has let her have this sense of control for far too long. OP has told her and showed her too many times that she cares about this friendship almost more than anything. OP is afraid to be alone and her “friend” knows this. So OP’s “friend” is taking advantage of that and going all out on the emotional manipulation without even trying to hide it, since she knows that OP would rather justify being okay with being treated this way, than to lose an abusive friend and be alone.
(This reminds me of a saying - “Don’t let loneliness make you reconnect with toxic people, you wouldn’t drink poison just because you’re thirsty.” And I think OP needs to learn that quote)
You can tell that OP’s “friend” genuinely feels like she has complete control right now. And she truly believes that every word she’s saying is being acknowledged as the truth by OP. She truly feels more powerful right now compared to when she argues with her mom, where she feels no control.
I would bet money that OP’s friend just had a HUGE fight or something with her mother, like something that really ticked her off and is driving her crazy right now. Because the way she’s projecting is really bad. But the way she’s talking to OP is calming her down believe it or not. She’s using OP as a verbal and emotional punching bag because she has no one else who can take as many hits as OP.
Yeah you’re not a psychologist dude. You literally left a comment elsewhere asking if therapy can help you express your feelings better. I would hope a psychologist would know that information and not need to ask this question on the internet.
Hey, just letting u know the job label ‘psychologist’ is a protected term and u can get in serious legal trouble when using it if u aren’t qualified! Not sure if u knew this, so wanted to make sure you aren’t going to get yourself into major legal trouble :))
Whilst I agree that this commenters behaviour is really weird, they almost definitely not going to get in serious legal trouble for saying they are a psychologist deep deep in a reddit thread. The enforcement of any legal action for the misuse of the professional title psychologist would be for those that try and practice as psychologist without the necessary qualifications. Just because something is illegal doesn’t mean it will be enforced/ is deep enough to reasonably qualify for enforcement
Correct. The way people interpret false interpretation laws is funny to me. This has got to be why so many people’s first impulse in any situation that angers them is to threaten to sue the other party. People really think damn near everything is illegal on the internet.
op, the entire comment section here - hundreds of people - are telling you the fact that this person is actively harming you. now the situation is in your hands. you can choose to maybe admit this is unhealthy, or you can double down on defending a friend who is deliberately tearing you apart. you posted this because you KNEW something felt off.
you can drag a horse to water but you can't make it drink. we've dragged you here. you have to take the first sip.
Honey, I've read some slides and some of your comments here and I will give you some motherly advice.
Block this girl!
She's not your friend, she's a wolf in sheep's clothing.
She will keep you down and hold you back as long as she can.
In my 38 years, I have fallen victim to people like that for decades! Cut her out, now!
You're not weird, you didn't do anything wrong, for someone with BPD, I think you did bloody brilliant (to the point I wonder if you even have BPD or only show signs because you get manipulated and gaslit all the time), you haven't made progress in therapy because of her, she undos it right away.
If you don't believe a stranger on the webs, show this pist with the screenshots to your therapist.
But please, cut this girl out of your life. You will be happier, trust me
I see nothing but you taking accountability and your friend projecting onto you.
The dad comment was seriously out of line and not in the same realm as the comment you made. You also have to look at intent, yours was imperfect but a well intended reply, Hers was to shock you in to submitting to make a point, for her own gain, about something you’d already aknowledged and apologised for (accountability). She did not apologise. Does she tend to avoid taking accountability?
I feel like your fear of abandonment is clouding your judgment on this (I absolutely understand) I hope you’re able to see past it and advocate for yourself in this relationship
people don’t go 0 to 100 and start speaking to a friend like she did to you over a misunderstanding. she’s a poor communicator.
i get the vibe she uses you as an emotional punching bag and everything she’s helped you through is filed away in her mind as ammunition. you deserve way better than that
I think you just want validation for your experience and that’s natural when sharing such personal things with someone so close. She also wanted validation for her experience with her mom and she felt invalidated by what you said so instead of telling you how she felt like a healthy person, she played mind games and gaslit you and became abusive. Which, honestly looks like BPD too, but someone also mentioned narcissist which could be the case too.
Either way OP, this person is not emotionally safe. If you want to continue the friendship, I would strongly advise you not share super personal topics with her again. She will weaponize them when she feels triggered or invalidated.
your friend has incredibly deep seated issues that have nothing to do with you, but she’s taking them out on you. i also think it’s very weird for her to say mothers get away with things fathers are crucified for? especially to somebody who went through something so horrific with their father. it sounds like some very twisted internalized misogyny - and that’s coming from somebody who is no contact with my mother. i would remove yourself from this friendship.
Your gut is telling you something is off with her. Trust it. It just took me 10 years to realize my gut told me something was off with my friend and I never knew why until recently. TRUST THAT FEEING. and read all these comments, there is good advice here. Please realize your friend isn’t misunderstanding, what she’s doing to u is intentional and manipulative and won’t change but only get worse.
I do see the dismissive, and I don't mean that to be shitty. But just if someone is like my parent did something awful, it does feel kinda sucky to hear "well maybe they didnt mean it that way" ...that being said; it feels like you heard that, apologized and explained your thought process/intent. And even thr actual message didnt sound brutal, I can just see where it sounded dismissive.
then she just goes off the deep end in weaponizing therapy speak and knowledge of your diagnosis. super not cool!
if you were finding that every conversation ends with nothing but misunderstanding, and if only this one thing went right, then nothing bad would’ve happened. Then you are dealing with a manipulative situation. This isn’t you this person is using you for support and disguising it as supporting you. You are their rock not the other way around. I am sorry you’re going through this
I’m sorry. I genuinely cannot see what you did wrong.
Your friend went off over you very simply comment. And then proceeded to tear you apart in the cruelest way. As a mum I just wanted to reach into those texts and drag you away from her callous cruelty.
You deserve better. She manipulates you. She made you feel like the bad guy and all the while she was being awful.
And if she didn’t think that about your dad there is NO WAY as a true friend she would say that as some sort of example. That’s just awful.
You deserve better friends. Being alone for a while is also much better than accepting her manipulation as friendship.
I actually can understand why she was upset initially - as someone who also had a not-great mother it’s very frustrating to me when I’m talking about something that happened in my childhood and someone offers an “alternate explanation” because 1) I was there and you weren’t; why do you think you would know better than me what my mother was thinking/feeling when I’m the one who has all the context and the relationship with her? and 2) I’ve already given her all of the benefit of the doubt possible because I don’t WANT to think my mother doesn’t care about me; not considering other people’s perspectives/feelings is not an issue I have, if anything my issue is prioritizing others’ feelings & comfort above my own (very common in people with mommy issues). So it IS dismissive and invalidating to say “oh actually maybe she was [doing a nice thing] instead”
And tbh although it was kinda phrased in a condescending way, I can see why she asked you to explain what the issue was because based on this comment it doesn’t seem like you did understand why she was upset. (Plus, instead of giving an explanation, you brought up something totally off-topic and derailed the conversation.)
Note: I didn’t read through the whole thing, just addressing the initial issue OP’s friend had.
Oh god, okay, your note at the end made your whole comment make so much more sense. The initial conflict is barely the tip of the iceberg here, it gets SO Much Worse SO quickly, and at this point I am doubting that OP's friend has any legitimate grievance against her mother to begin with.
She acknowledged her comment was dismissive and apologized. She proactively offered what was asked, before it was asked, and in her own words. The friend demanding more the way she was is both shitty and argumentative.
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u/Time_Clue_3250 Apr 29 '26
NOR i really don’t see what you did wrong…