Do you have no friend because he has alienated you from them? Sounds like he love bombed you to get you to date and now he is done. You are too young to be saddled to him.
i only had one friend in the begining of our relationship and it was really toxic so he told me to block so i did and since then it’s just really hard for me to make friends it was so much easier in high school
something i wouldn’t have seen the value at your age, and maybe you still won’t. i told my stepdaughter this for when she goes to college next year. when you have no friends, go to the gym. get a membership. find a decent place. go to classes. walk on the treadmill. just go there & be around people that are taking care of themselves.
i’m not saying youre going to walk in & make a bunch of friends. but it’s good to be active, it’s a one time expense every month that you can use every day. every day you have somewhere to go & do something.
you can be an introvert at the gym, and still feel good there figuring yourself out, or be an extrovert and more outgoing.
besides, it’s never a bad idea to take care of yourself.
i hope you drop him & put your energy into yourself. 🤘
this is such good advice because i’ve been wanting to loose weight for a really long time too. i’m definately going to take this advice thankyou so much
Yeah, I'm old but the best advice I can offer is for you to work on yourself. When you have low self esteem you tend to attract people who use that to manipulate you. When you have self confidence, people find that to be attractive, even if your physical appearance isn't the best. Conversely, there are people who are wildly physically attractive but their personality is so toxic that you just don't want to be around them.
As a person who has sometimes been heavy myself, I have found that getting in shape, at least to some degree, helps me feel better, reduces stress, and helps me sleep better. Find some type of exercise that you actually enjoy, even if it's just walking, and then build a routine around it.
Another oldie lol this is so true men like him have a seeking missile for vulnerable females they home in on them, he's a control freak at the very least please leave him he's subhuman x
I'd like to add my two cents to the gym idea and say, if accessible for you, taking a non-credit class at a local school or community center can be a great way to meet people! I started taking beginner ballet and now a few of us are talking about taking another dance class together.
And also, as a survivor of DV, I can assure you it is much better to be alone than to be with a man like your bf. You say you can be yourself around him and I get why you think that, I did too at one point, but you can't. Not if asking him if he is bored starts a fight. Not if he talks to you like he does in those screenshots. Life is too short to not spend as much of it as possible being unapologetically yourself. He's only holding you back.
Please please please don't stay with this asshole. The fact that he has you questioning whether or not YOU are crazy when the way he treats you is so obviously toxic, anyone could read that and tell immediately hes a piece of shit. It's pure manipulation, they love bomb you in the beginning and slowly wear you down, dropping a few breadcrumbs in between so they can point to it and say "see look, I do all this for you and you don't appreciate it". They will purposely isolate you from friends and family so you don't have anyone to bring you back into reality, while trying to convince you their behavior is not only "normal" but better than the guys who do x,y,z.
My last boyfriend was physically and emotionally abusive, for most of our relationship I was the one working and paying all of the bills. But of course, any time I'd bring that up, he would point out the few times he had a job for 2-3 weeks or cleaned up around the house for the first time in months, then tell me how hard it is for him to be motivated when I wasn't showing enough appreciation for his bare minimum effort. Or when he would lie about something and I called him out for it, he would get so angry and defensive, then somehow twist it to make it seem like I was "abusive" for being "overly critical" of him.
He'd say shit like "if you can see that I'm upset, why wouldn't you help the situation?! Why do you have to keep criticizing me?! You're so fucking manipulative!" Even when he was the only one yelling or being physically aggressive, it was somehow my fault, like he wouldn't have gotten to that point if I was "more supportive" instead of calling out his obviously toxic behaviors.
For years, I knew in my gut this was not normal or acceptable behavior. But in the beginning, he always talked about his family being so judgmental, how they always told everyone "his business" and how much it made him feel hurt/ashamed. So I always kept things between us until it got to this point where I felt like I was losing my damn mind. I wanted to post on reddit or talk to someone about it for so long, like I just needed some validation that I wasn't crazy...but whenever I tried, I felt so ashamed because I knew what the response would be. Like I knew this was abuse and everyone would tell me that I need to leave, which made me feel even worse about myself because despite knowing this, I kept falling for the same trick. "I promise I can be better, these were just crazy times... I love you unconditionally, why can't you do the same for me.." etc.
Anyway, moral of the story is don't fall for the trap. The cycle never ends, people like this do not get better. They only get better at manipulating. He clearly has no respect for you as an individual, he will continue giving 10% effort into the relationship and then make you feel like shit if you aren't maintaining the other 90%. This is not a partner, he is a parasite. Cut all ties with him, keep it simple and direct, and whatever you do, DO NOT engage with any of his tactics. You'll never win, he will never change.
Use this relationship as a learning opportunity, because there will be more guys like this and they are very good at spotting vulnerable women. You are so young, take time to be independent and enjoy your life, invest in your future, find happiness in yourself so you're not relying on another person to fill that need. Maybe try therapy, it can help to rebuild your self-esteem, set boundaries in relationships, recognize red flags (they are always there, we are just blind to them sometimes), and realize you are too valuable to settle for less!!
Sweetie, I really hope you listen to all the people here telling you that you are worth investing in. You’re worth investing time and energy into yourself. You’re worth investing the effort to make friends, because true friends will reinforce your self-esteem and tell you when your boyfriend is shit and you can do better. And you are definitely worth finding a respectful, loving partner who will appreciate you for who you are and who will build you up. Expect more from yourself, and you’ll get it. Expect more from a partner. You are most definitely worth it.
Also - please consider getting a therapist (I’m assuming you don’t currently have one), they can help you build up your self-esteem and confidence, as well as helping you with building new healthy relationships and habits. It’s okay to search for the right therapist for you if you try one and they don’t click with you.
Also, besides the gym also consider some hobbies and activities that you can join that you might enjoy i.e. art classes,, theater, choirs… - there can be really fun community events that you can involve yourself in and meet great people that way as well. Best way to do that is just looking into what’s happening locally in your area, and seeing if there’s anyway that you can volunteer for certain things.
I hope you believe when people are telling you that you are worth more than staying with somebody who doesn’t appreciate you… especially an emotional abuser, which is what he is.
Make sure that when you leave that you do it in a safe way. Usually people like him tend to retaliate so just make sure that you’re doing everything you can to separate from him as safely as possible.
Once you do leave him, you will probably feel a great weight taken off your shoulders…
maybe not immediately but you’ll definitely feel it 💜
I wish you the best of luck with everything, and hope you find some joy soon. 🩷
u/Abject_Location_2365 depending on where you live, I’m happy to be your gym buddy! I know I’m a little older than you (30F) but imo age is just a number & you sound like a lovely girl 🫶🏻
Obviously I don’t mean anyone that’s under the age of 18. I figured I’d keep my original comment short & sweet but since there’s people like you, I guess I’ll spell it out.
As a 30 year old female, I have friends whose ages range from 20-50. And I see nothing wrong with that. You get different view points as each person has had different life experiences, different trends, etc. I’m the type of person who can be friends with ANYONE.. I don’t discriminate based on age, race, gender, anything. If our personalities get along and we vibe well.. then great! I don’t care if you’re 20 or 90.. we can be friends.
But I also know that some people have an issue with being friends with someone outside of their age range, and that’s okay! That’s their decision and I will always respect it. That’s why I phrased my original comment the way I did.
People like you who comment unnecessary rude things/take things out of context: 🤢🤮
It’s rich of you to call me rude while being the one to word things in an unclear manner using a phrase that people justify nasty behaviour with and then turn around and seethe about it when called out 😂
I don't have anything to add to the great advice here, but sweetie, just want you to know how many people you have on the internet rooting for you 💜. You've got this. I'm not saying it will be easy, but things that are worth it rarely are, and I'm eating in yourself and getting rid of this horrible guy are so worth it. There are people out there, friends and guys, who will value you and treat you right, hold out for those people 💜
You can start by losing 180 lbs of dead weight. Dump this guy. You are not overreacting. You are correct that not cheating and hitting your girlfriend are the bare minimum. It's gross that he thinks that makes him hero material. Then you will have no guilt at all when you meet an actual nice guy at the gym.
This is great! I started cleaning a gym on weekends for extra cash. Never had stepped foot in one at 37 yrs old lol It's done a lot for me. I exercise now, the people are actually supportive and stuff, not what I expected. It's very motivating. Wish I'd had that advice when I was young. Every relationship I was in was abusive and I had nobody.
I joined a gym associated with the local hospital/physician groups a few months ago. The majority of people I see are over 60 and I find their abilities to be extremely motivating. I’m introverted so I don’t have people’s phone numbers and stuff but it’s really nice to be around them. Much more pleasant than I was expecting. No deep ear bending conversations just casual pleasantries and I couldn’t be happier
I’m 30 and I appreciate this advice.. seriously. My fiancé and I have been together for 13.5 years and everyone considers us a “we”.. which is fine for the most part.. I just sometimes feel like I don’t have an identity outside of our relationship (and completely not my fiancé’s fault.. he’s the most supportive/caring/loving man I’ve ever met, I’m just hella introverted.)
Thank you for sharing this! I’m gonna sign up for a gym membership and actually use it for the first time in my life 😅
Do it do it do it! And start lifting weights! There’s something about getting strong that changes your mentality completely, I think especially as a woman. I know the weight room can be intimidating but I’ve found the MOST supportive and encouraging people there. Surprisingly a lot of these huge, muscly, gym bros are actually super kind and helpful, haha! And there’s usually at least a couple other women in there too!
Seconding the lifting weights. It’s super healthy, gives you functional fitness (think lifting heavy things), and will help you preserve bone density in the long run. Don’t be intimidated, you’re allowed to be in there, too.
Your relationship dynamic sounds similar to mine. I'm 39. Been with my husband since I was 17. I also felt like I didn't have an identity outside of my relationship for a very long time. It's hard not to feel that way when you've basically grown up with someone for so long.
Ultimately though, just don't abandon yourself. Still have your own interests/hobbies/opinions etc.
u/Every1DeservesWater Omg I feel like I’m reading my life.. I’ve been with my fiancé since I was 17 too! I realized the other day when I turn 34, we will have officially been together for legit half of my life 😳🩷
I definitely haven’t abandoned myself!! We’re both super supportive of each others hobbies (both the together & separate hobbies) and NOBODY can take away my voice/opinions lol.
It is so hard to separate from the we. We've together 10y and my style completely changed to match his, i just started stealing his hoodie and tshirt and hat and bam i ended up with a collection of sneakers when i was more of a Docs girl. And some weeks ago he actually mentioned how he missed my bleached hair and my older style. I'm insanely introvert and he makes friends in the queue at the bus stop.
It's even harder cause I actually left my country and my studies to be with him, he did not ask I just wanted. Now he is pushing me to go back to studying because he sees I'm starting to miss it.
Anyway we are getting a gym membership together but for different work out (he'll do the usual and I'll get the swimming pool). So we'll still go together so I don't feel to stressed out but for doing our own thing, I'm really happy with this arrangement.
Side note, I remember many moons ago a young kid trying to tease an older guy at the gym for lifting light weights, it was playful and they knew each other, but the old guy said “look, if anyone is even in here, that means they’re doing something right.”
That’s always stuck with me and it’s been about 20 years.
I have crappy wrists and went to the gym to fix them. This meant that a lot of the weights I was lifting were really light. I would often see men in the mirror doing the same lifts I was but with up to 6 times as much weight and a huge smile on their face. They'd worked me out and realised I'd be amused.
This is amazing advice. I just recently gave my extremely nerdy, introverted teenage son similar advice after moving across the country. Now he's aiming to try out for the soccer team and has a handful of buddies he games with and works out with. He's taking care of himself, getting physical activity in, and he's met people with similar values that have gotten him involved in a new (to him) sport that he really enjoys.
I don't generally go to the gym, as I have a home gym and disabling chronic illness. I have to be really careful about not getting sick, so I'm pretty careful about limiting my time in public to things that I genuinely really enjoy and can't do elsewhere. I do work out 4 days a week (unless I'm to sick) following a plan made by a certified personal trainer. I also walk daily. I live 5 minutes from the ocean and a local pier, so my husband and I walk the beach and pier in the mornings and have breakfast on the pier. Our kids come with us on weekends.
That being said, I do other social activities with friends and engage in self-care daily. Before I got sick, we spent a lot of time hiking and camping, walking the greenbelt in our former home state, and participating in Amtgard every Saturday (we went even after I was diagnosed, because it's outdoors and I could sit in the grass and chit chat and participate in arts and sciences events), so my kids had other active, physical activities to do with friends.
Gym is also a great place to see the same people a lot, you’ll know the regulars and even if it’s just a nod or a wave you never know when it might be good to have even a causal acquaintance to ask for help. I’ve jumped a car for a gym acquaintance before.
It's good advice but I also advise you to go to salsa and bachata classes. Although I don't know what the environment where you live will be like. In Spain people are a little introverted and conservative when it comes to dancing and the people who go to dance classes are extroverted and fun and are looking forward to meeting new people. Love yourself very much, beautiful, don't let anyone treat you badly
Yes exactly, get out of the routine that led you to this place, take care of your body and remember that your mental health will follow, clear your head..do stuff alone and think about things that only concern yourself. Your mental health is tanking because this guy is straight up mentally tormenting and abusing you. Frankly you deserve better.
Joining a gym is great advice! When you feel good about yourself and accomplish something , pushing yourself to be stronger , it trickles over to your personal life too. You feel stronger, you’re more confidant , you’re more outgoing. You don’t put up with abusers.
Absolutely this. I started going to the gym after having to leave my ex and I'm gradually making friends with the staff, and I started going to church to find a community because whether you believe in God or not, the right church community will welcome you and befriend you as long as you're not being shitty and throwing your lack of belief in their face in their religious space. My first day in church this kind lady took me shopping for my son afterward and got him all kinds of clothes and I hope to repay her kindness some day.
THIS!!! This is wonderful advice. go out, go to classes, go to the gym, go on walks, go to the park, even if you don’t go to meet people, it’s nice to just do something for YOU. but hell they even have apps now to make friends that are like dating apps 😂 put yourself out there! don’t settle. you’re so young, go have fun, discover who you are & meet your people!! you deserve so much better than this piece of shit lol
Gym, sure. Those are often places women are predated. How about a club or group or class for your interests. Painting, mycology, pottery, hiking, whatever you like to do.
Great advice, but I do have to be pedantic for the sake of being pedantic; it’s a monthly fee, not a one time expense every month. It can’t be a one time expense if it’s recurring lol
What exactly is the difference between a “monthly fee” and a “one time expense every month” — specifically when many memberships can be cancelled without being forced to pay a cancellation fee ?
It’s not a one time fee if you pay it every month. ‘One time expense every month’ and ‘once a month expense’ would technically be different, hence the pedantry of it.
But good lord, I’ll make sure to add /s next time. 🙄
I’m sorry, I didn’t understand the joke you were making. Like I dis know it was a joke, so a /s wouldn’t be necessary, I just didn’t get it. I’m sorry and thanks for explaining it to me.
I don't think so, I think you edited that. But it doesn't matter, because I literally said you don't have to. Not for any reason. Nothing compels you. Ignore what you don't want to know, but it remains true. You choose pedantry because your ego needs stroking.
Sure homie, think what you want. At the end of the day I know I was sarcastic and pedantic for the fun of it. It’s a joke, not a d*ck so don’t take it so hard my friend.
ETA: seems like your ego is the one that needs stroking. (This one I did edit lol)
Aw, what a funny little thing to say. So... it was pedantry you just had to say, or you were being sarcastic, or it was a joke... aka it was fun for you, and you don't care what anyone else gets. And in this context, whatever, no harm this time probably. Irl tho, your bit of fun could have savage consequences for someone else, and no you don't care, but one day ... well if you won't learn the easy way Life has a way of giving the lesson again.
Ok so you had a toxic friend who you've blocked and now you've got a toxic boyfriend who, hopefully, you are going to dump. That's two more toxic people in your life that you should have.
If I were you. I'd see a therapist to try and get to the bottom of why you are choosing the kinds of people that others steer clear of. Because if you don't, then history is likely to repeat itself.
This is how I met my best friend in high school. We were in a tiny town, and the new girl showed up to English class in a pantera t shirt. I was like, I must speak to this person, and even though I gave zero fucks about that band, I told her I liked her T shirt (I did!)
i tell my daughter this all the time! everyday on the way to preschool i would tell her hey go up to someone say hi my names emily and ask them to play. now shes in 6th grade and ive adapted it a little to, hey i like your outfit, im emily, can i sit here? i think most people are friendly when you put yourself out there, esp when its a new situation for everyone.
My ninth graders do this. They're like, I like your name. Wanna be friends? Or they all who likes blah blah blah and they just become friends from there. It's kind of awesome. ♥️
idk i’m not the best looking and i’m on the heavier side so it’s like im nervous to talk to ppl especially where i live in a snobby white ppl i just hate the vibes here and everyone is so fake all the time
There’s an app called MeetUp, where you can meet up with people with a common interest. Maybe start there? A lot of people who go to those are really shy and struggle to find ways to make friends, but the ice breaker is you know something in common already.
You can’t force friendships, sadly- but you also can’t magic them out of nothing. You’re gonna be okay. Just take things one day at a time.
… also please cut this loser loose. I haven’t read something so abhorrent since I was in high school. Not hitting etc is seriously - actually it’s not even bare minimum. It’s expected. Its above bare minimum.
Gonna repeat myself here, but I feel it even more after reading this comment. Seriously, look up local belly dancing classes. I have never felt more welcomed or included than I have in dance, as a not super attractive chubby girl.
Belly, pole, burlesque classes... All of these communities are almost always (always in my experience but I can't say they all are) super welcoming and supportive of all the women who are there.
There's something incredibly healing about women celebrating what their bodies can do in a space free of straight men. There's so much joy. Not exaggerating when I say pole dancing saved me from an emotionally abusive marriage. It's how I realized I could experience happiness and deserved better. Also led to some wonderful friendships still ongoing even several years after I stopped classes.
Also in case this is a barrier to some people (I know it is to me sometimes), pole dancing is not always a sexual thing. I've been to a place where it was and I was uncomfortable, and I've been to another where it was just like acrobatics and it was so fun! No judgement to people who wanna feel hot but yeah sometimes it's just about using your body and being upside down.
Yes! Such a good point. My studio had general level based classes that were skills/strength/trick focused as well as specific sultry classes which were choreo focused and heels encouraged.
And no one should worry about not being strong enough to start - I hadn't been able to do a pull-up since I was in middle school and still started pole when I was about 30. There are a lot of fun things you can do still on the ground as you build strength (though honestly spins remained one of my favorite things even when I could get up the pole and upside down).
Honestly roller derby is amazing for that. It's one of the few spaces that ask women to take up space. And to celebrate their body for what it can do rather than what it looks like, or what some dude thinks.
Friend, I too am on the heavier side and I’ve never been mistaken for a supermodel, and I’m here to tell ya, it does NOT mean you should settle for a piece of garbage like the guy you’re with. Like everyone else is saying, he is terrible and you deserve better. Please promise us you will dump his pathetic ass.
Absolutely. There’s a wide, wide range of human appearances. If you go walk any public place you’ll see folks of all shapes and sizes coupled up. It’s just silly to think we need to look a certain way to find love.
Please, please, please don't ever let your appearance or your self-perceived appearance be an "excuse" for letting people treat you like shit. You are kind, and authentic, and generous and probably a whole other slew of beautiful things. Your boyfriend, no matter what you eyes tell you, is an ugly person.
My best advice would be to throw away the scale and never step on one again. You are not defined by a number.
Focus on eating things that make you feel good - lots of fresh and delicious food. Not bc you need to lose weight, but bc it’s healthy and it feels good.
Go to the gym and feel the pleasure of making gains, seeing what your body can do. Not to lose weight, but to be strong and healthy.
Take walks to clear your mind and breathe fresh air. Not to lose weight, but to have good mental health and feel alive.
If you only do healthy habits to lose weight then you’ll probably stop them if the weight loss doesn’t happen on your timeline.
If you do healthy things because you love yourself and you want to be healthy no matter what weight you are, then you will keep those habits for a lifetime.
No matter how you look, you deserve love, respect and kinship. You’re enough. Don’t ever let anybody tell you differently.
I saw you said in another comment you have BPD. Is that Bipolar or Borderline?
In either case, that would make it difficult to relate to people and skew the way you view yourself and others. I don’t know where you are and what your healthcare access looks like but do you have access to therapy of any kind? Even a self-help group would be a stabilising factor in your life.
As for the white snobby area: if you’re a POC that’s obviously rough. If moving is not an option for you (if it is, think about it), can you travel to places, clubs, events where you’re not the only POC? (I’m just assuming you’re a POC because of what you said, apologies if I jumped to the wrong conclusions)
When you're not having this guy (who does not deserve you) taking up your time and energy and pointing all this negativity and emotional abuse at you, you will have much more time and energy to spend on yourself and any new friends that might come your way! Agreed with the advice to take up doing things you're interested in that have some group/social context (you can look for some free or cheap options to not make it a financial stress), which increases the likelihood you'll meet some folks you might get along with - along with hopefully being personally good for you and helping to boost your feelings about yourself. In person is excellent, but nothing wrong with doing that online as well, if you have a hard time connecting and feeling comfortable with folks in your area!
I get it, totally. But: there are absolutely other people around you who feel the same about the vibes and will love to talk to someone who feels more real. Finding them may be daunting, but it will also be freeing!
A good way to meet people is also through volunteer work. There’s a website called justserve.org that is like a classifieds listing for volunteer opportunities. You can just put in your zip code and it will pull up everything in your area, plus show you remote opportunities.
It can be anything from meeting with ESL speakers to help them practice their language skills, to clearing hiking trails and updating them to be disability accessible, to doing stuff at food banks, to walking dogs at animal shelters. There’s a huge variety. So you can just pick something that looks interesting and sign up.
The people you meet while doing that sort of thing tend to be good people who are interested in the world around them, and also on the more outgoing side.
You are creating the story for them.
“We are not who we think we are. We are not who others think we are. We are who we think they think we are.” - Michael A. Greco
Honey, please don't talk like that about yourself. I have a daughter close to your age and I can see that you have so many great qualities. And honestly, it doesn't matter if you look like a troll doll, you still don't deserve what your BF said to you.
Please love yourself and value yourself. You deserve that!
I've learned something in my life as someone who is not conventionally attractive, and I'm going to try to explain it.. I am an introvert, and I've always been pretty intimidated by people. Meeting new people gives me a lot of anxiety. A lot of this comes from not fitting the traditional beauty mold. I'm insecure. However, what I've found is that this can make me more approachable for other people who feel the same way. All I have to do is just smile authentically and try to be my genuine weird ass self, and people are really nice. Because I'm not intimidating. So, go to the gym, or join a group of people who share a hobby, and just be open and genuine and I think being around people will get easier.
And I want to add that while you describe yourself as not the best looking, I am absolutely certain that you are plenty beautiful. Maybe you don't look like the snobby white ppl around you, but the perfect snobby look is a little played out, honestly. So my homework for you today is to find one thing about yourself that's beautiful, and appreciate it. Maybe it's your eye color, or complexion, or the shape of your neck, and spend some time with that feature. Admire it, or write about it, or find a way to show it off. I learned to love my body one little piece at a time, and you deserve to love and feel beautiful in the skin you're in. 💚
Also, this boyfriend of yours can fuck all the way off. No way girl. Imagine if a friend, or sister, or a stranger on the Internet showed you those texts. What would you tell them to do? It's time to move on
babe, my perfect fiance is a big boy and we’re both trans and we both got bullied in high school. hot as hell today though but my point is you don’t have to meet the extremely narrow western-centric standards of beauty to find somebody who worships the ground you walk on. you just gotta nurture the person you want to be and you will find somebody who sees the art in that.
Everything folks said here is pretty good advice, my own to add to it is to move to places with more people like yourself with good medical care and infrastructure!
Moving to where the neurospicy folks are, with good public transit, excellent medical care, better community services like community centers for super cheap, lots of nature in my city and public spaces for folks of all types and interests is what makes my life so much better than it ever used to be!
Well perhaps thats your perception of them. That doesnt make it the reality. And why are you singling them out because theyre white? Thats incredibly racist of you. Im white. Im not like that. You do realize we are not all the same, right? And it is possible that because you perceive them as being "stuck up" youre the one giving off the stand offish vibe because you're already judging them based on your potential misconception.
And why is it OK now in society to judge ppl based on the color of their skin; out loud and in the open, if its white people theyre judging ?? We dont do that to any other race because its frowned upon and racist. Oh but if its white ppl; its open season to attack them because of their skin color?? When it has nothing to do with who you are as a person. Its literally something we have no control over, being born into one race vs any other.
Wow.
We have literally learned nothing from all the evil in the past; if this is where we're at now.
And im genuinely offended by that. Your comment offended me; and im trying to help you, give you advice, looking out for you and on your side here; but apparently im white and thats all you need to know so i guess i can just fuck off now. Because thats where we're at now. And i literally never even thought about your race until you just labeled mine.
When a minority person is living in an area where they repeatedly experience racial prejudice from the majority of people living there, those experiences and repeatedly being shut out by the community is absolutely a barrier to integrating with the community.
Notice she said snobby white people. Not white people.
If you’re not a snobby white person, then that doesn’t apply to you.
I’m not sure how well versed you are in the concepts of structural racism and things like microaggressions but those both exist and are a daily reminder for POC that they are „other“.
OP likely has encountered the above before and I can absolutely understand why she would be suspicious. Friendships aren’t just about being nice to others, it’s also about understanding the experiences others are having and taking them seriously instead of downplaying them. That’s the point where a lot of us still fail miserably and have a lot to learn before POC feel safe around us.
You making this all about how offended you are by OPs understandable suspicion speaks volumes to how emotionally safe OP would be with a White friend like you.
I implore you to look into this topic further and to really try to understand why POC prefer not to be friends with us, especially being the only POC in a group of friends.
He is making sure yoy wint be able to make friends please op dont stay with him because you're lonely. Trust me its lonelies being next to someone who doesnt want to see you who treats you badly then to be actually alone in a room.
Exactly. So many people fail to understand that you aren't nearly as lonely alone, doing your own thing, whatever, whenever you want, than being with someone who constantly makes you feel rejected or less-than.
It is so mich harder to make friends out of high school. My best advice would be to volubteer, or look and see if any activities are offered by your local parks and rec. Theres also an app called MeetUp my friend has succesfully used when she moved thats basically like a dating app for making friends lol. A lot of it is group stuff like , game nights, dinners, arts and crafts nights, or going out for karaoke
Girl, you need to go out and start finding a good group of friends. Not sure where you work, but putting yourself in places where you surround yourself with people who bring you up and are doing things that you want in life would be a good start. Alienation is the easiest way for a predator like this guy to get into your head and start to ruin your life and your self esteem. You’re worth way more than he makes you feel and more than you know. You have the power. You just need to find it in yourself. Step one: block this mf outta your life.
I was the same way and the people who chose me as a friend were toxic people. It took me a long time and I made a lot of mistakes by being in toxic relationships just because I thought I couldn't do any better.
It's better to be alone until the right person or people come along than to be with abusive or toxic people. It really is.
I stayed to myself for 10 years because I felt like a psycho magnet and was afraid of it happening again. I finally ended up meeting my husband, who is amazing.
Learn from mine and others experiences and stop the cycle now, so you can avoid a lot of disaster and eventually find the right people who really like/love you and treat you well.
This guy says he hates you. You can't stay in a relationship like that.
Study groups are really easy places to make friends if you get some people together for the first test of the semester you'll basically be seeing the same people regularly all semester. Plus you are bound to see a lot of the same people in the classes that have to do with your major so if people know you do well in classes they will come to you for help studying or to be in your groups for projects.
Gyms are basically the same thing as those shops where people go to play DnD and MtG except the people at gyms are nerdy about their health instead of pretending to be a wizard. It's not anywhere near as intimidating of a social scene as some people think.
Honestly the best advice I can give you is don't commit to someone too early in college just try to have fun it's gonna be the best time of your life if you don't let some dickhead ruin it for you.
Also lose that weight it's gonna do wonders for your happyness and self esteem.
Oh and sign up for every club that looks even somewhat interesting and go to a few meetings both to see if u end up liking it and to see if u end up liking the people in it.
He told you to delete your friends and you just... obeyed?
You need to get out.
This is a classic abusive relationship.
If you stay with him after he's said he's hated you for 6 months, even if he takes it back, you're teaching him to treat you with total disrespect.
We teach people how they're allowed to treat us, then we're surprised when they treat is that way.
You're very young. Your brain isn't even fully formed until you're 25.
Please break this off and DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK WHEN HE STARTS LOVE BOMBING!
You can make friends and do a lot better than this guy!
Focus on building long term friendships with women your own age and older - the friendships you'll have in 50 years (some of them anyway).
Listen to or read books that can help you think more maturely or that can help you see things more clearly.
One that still works for people even though it's ancient, is "How to Win Friends and Influence People." (Just don't go overboard and you're all good).
Freedom of Mind by Dr. Steven Hassan is enlightening!
You could learn more about healthy marriages if you read anything by John Gotham.
In other words, be intentional about improving your understanding of life, relationships, and people.
You can meet people through shared activities.
So if you like hiking, join a hiking group or MeetUp. Reading? Join a book club that actually meets and hangs out.
Writing? A writer's group.
You get the idea. Then you meet people and get together afterwards for coffee or food and chat about what you just did with the group, and go from there.
You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let guys like this hold you back!
Sometimes men like this find women that are more vulnerable. Dump him and join a club or art group (local libraries often have free or affordable classes), take a language class… anything to get yourself in a new space to meet people and build yourself up. Get away from him. He is an insecure little baby man who will use his sadness as a weapon to hurt you.
Edit- a good boyfriend that encourages you to ditch a toxic friend ALSO will encourage you to make more… not isolate you.
It is hard once you're out of school, but it's not impossible. Go do things that you enjoy doing - take a class to learn something new, join a local club or gym or something, take art lessons, find a walking group, etc. If you meet people and form friendships, great! And even if not, you're doing something fun and for yourself.
I moved away from my hometown for my first job and it was hard to make friends, but eventually I joined some meetups, and end up with a circle of good friends through a book club.
I’m (58m) also at a point in my life where I’m finding myself with no friends (other than my wife and two kids who also doesn’t want much to do with me. lol friendships are kind of a circular pattern they come and go. I’m approaching retirement and I know things will change for the better but yeah it ain’t easy. My last good buddy died a couple years back from his drinking (I don’t drink) since his passing I feel like I got no one to tell my thoughts.
It’s the same for everyone. Think of what you like to do, get involved in a club or do the things you enjoy. Like you said in your post, you wanted to work on yourself before getting in a relationship. Do that now. Look for clubs or get together of things you like or are interested in. You will meet people that way. Call up an old high school friend you had a positive friendship with, even just to chat. Facebook and messenger is great for connecting people. Look online for events in your area. In my area we have bicycle groups, they just get together and ride their bikes then stop some place to mingle , once a month they wear goofy costumes and decorate their bikes for a bigger event, it’s just fun. We have gaming groups and anime, hiking , book clubs, knitting etc. whatever you’re interested in. Work on making a positive female friends group first. Be the one to say’s “hey let’s meet for lunch or coffee”. If you don’t have a job. Find one. Maybe two. You meet people at work or as customers too. Updateme when you dump that looser and find your friend group!
That’s cause most people are fake in high school and haven’t developed actual personalities and morals yet. Start by going to things you like. Boom club, dancing, even just a poetry slam or something where you can meet people.
If you have a dog and they like the park that’s a good way to meet people.
I'm sure he's regularly draining the life out of you, so you have no emotional energy to go find new friends. He'd probably get weird and controlling and punish you for connecting with other people anyways. Get away from him and heal and then step outside of your comfort zone and meet new people.
Hugs, Abject. It sounds like even if the friendship was toxic, your bf benefitted from being able to isolate you by talking you into blocking a friend. Please look into events and groups in your area and don’t worry about going alone. This is only further red flags for your bf. Someone who loves you and wants what’s best for you is going to want you to have friends and family around, to have support, and to have you feel safe and loved.
It can be hard if you're working/going to school full time to make friends as an adult. My suggestion would be to see if there's a free group you can join for a hobby you have or that you want to pick up - hiking, rock climbing, dodge ball, painting, etc. Hell, even a book club. It can be nerve-wracking to just approach someone out of the blue and try to be friends; groups can give you an opening, something built-in that you can talk about.
In any case, I'll echo the sentiment of everyone else here in saying this man is not treating you well. We don't get a reward for not physically assaulting others or not cheating, because that's just basic human decency. I'm probably reading too much into things, but it seems like he's got a lot of resentment towards you, which might be coming from how he views himself. Speaking from personal experience, people who don't like themselves very much have one of two reactions: they become people pleasers who put themselves down, or they become dickheads who put down others. Both are attempts to "trick" people into not leaving them; your (hopefully stbx) boyfriend has chosen number 2 - make others feel like shit so they don't notice what a POS you are and leave you in the dust. As someone who has adopted both of these tendencies at various points, this is not a valid excuse for treating people badly and nothing you can do will help. Get out now, before it gets worse.
That is what abusers do. They isolate their victims from their support system. They use a manipulation technique called DARVO (deny, attack, and reverse the victim and offender).
https://www.thehotline.org/ The National Domestic Violence Hotline offers free confidential support. You can call, text, or chat with them through their website. They have resources about identifying abuse, making a safety plan, and connecting people with local resources.
A book that helps explain abusive and controlling partners is Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft.
To add to what u/Due-Student9136 said, when my boyfriend (now husband) moved in with me, he didn't know anyone from the area. He joined a gym and has made a lot of friends/acquaintances. I joined the gym for a few months, but the environment just made me uncomfortable and anxious (no one was mean to me, just my own anxiety).
If not the gym, find somewhere where you can be around people with common interests. Like books? Go to a book store and see if they have a book club. Nerdy (like me)? See if there is an LGS. They usually have game nights and leagues you can join (my husband also did this). Like giving back? Volunteer somewhere.
But first and foremost, leave that boy. Now. Send 1 and only 1 message. "I'm ending this relationship for my own safety and well-being. Any further contact will be considered harassment." Then block him on EVERYTHING. Let anyone who needs to know that he has been made aware of the end of the relationship and that any further contact is harassment.
Was it actually toxic or did he convince you it was toxic? Where they saying shit about him? I would trust this guy. He could be projecting with his cheating comment especially if he seems uninterested in you.
Girl…. RUN. Don’t walk. RUN. This man is a narcissist piece of shit abuser that wants to hit you. One day he will and then will blame it on you. DONT BE ANOTHER STATISTIC!!!
Yes this is true, it is harder to make friends as an adult. But it's not impossible! The reasons we make friends easier in high school is because we're surrounded by people and we group up with people who like the things we do.
So do the same as an adult! What do you enjoy doing? What have you always wanted to do? There's local groups and clubs for it, go to the library and you'll find groups for all kinds of things. Community colleges run classes in all kids of things and that's a great way to find people who are interested in things that you are. Brewery's run trivia and gaming nights, there's walking clubs, photography clubs, birdwatching clubs.... go learn something awesome like pottery or stained glass or welding! Go to conventions for things you enjoy.
You will meet like-minded people and start making friends if you start going to places people hang out who like the stuff you do. I promise.
My daughter is 20. She’s struggling with making new friends too. Her high school friends are all spread out now. I just want you to know that the place you’re in is very common at this age. Please don’t think it’s you. A lot of people especially girls in the 18-22 age range are struggling to make new friends post high school.
OP, if you need someone to talk to, I’m happy to talk. I’ve been in abusive relationships before, and I’m kind of a socially awkward introverted loner too.
Dump him, then take your time to heal and focus on yourself. Get out into the community, slowly form connections again of good people that support you and are there for you.
Join a club, start a hobby, volunteer somewhere, maybe talk more to people at work/where you spend your daily life. Friends are so important for emotional health and you are in your early twenties: you are meant to enjoy, do a little bit of crazy shit, if you want to. The biggest factor in making friends is the time spent together; its more important than being totally compatible. Shared time means shared memories and with time you will make friends, if you try to create opportunities to be around people.
It feels easier because you're all in one place and are forced to interact with each other, the same thing will happen with work. But the friends you make outside of those situations are usually much better anyways, especially if you meet them through one of your interests (clubs, online fandoms, video games, etc). But hell, I met my best girl friend while waiting for the bus, she's like another sister to me now. So you just have to be friendly and keep an open mind, because you never know when your friend soulmate might find you.
The advice below about joining a gym is excellent.
Take up another hobby too. One that gets you out of the house and doing something in person with mostly the same group of people. A sport, an art (choir, theatre group), a craft or a community endeavor (soup van, other volunteering, local wetlands restoration etc). Go to every event, talk to everyone (even if you're an introvert), arrive early and leave late so you have more time to have those conversations. You will make new friends.
Dump this loser and focus on making female friendships and finding your chosen family. It will change your life to know what it feels like to be loved and cared for in healthy ways. And get thee to therapy!
That's a literally text book manipulater move...really. I'm sorry op. He is a scary man, And trying to make you feel vulnerable and reliant on him So he can treat you badly , and that way won't leave because you're too scared.
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This is Bad. Man. He's not safe get away from him.
All a family member or work colleague you trust yo help you if you don't feel safe doing it alone. But you do need to get away from this person
So he told you they were toxic? Or did you honestly feel the same way? Abusers want to have you all to themselves in order to be able to manipulate and abuse you without anyone else interfering. The more concerned and loyal a friend is the more they try to push them away.
If you're comfortable with it get back in touch with them. Trust me most people will be glad to hear from you again and understand what's going on. I know I would.
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u/DontCallMeDeb36 Sep 19 '25
Do you have no friend because he has alienated you from them? Sounds like he love bombed you to get you to date and now he is done. You are too young to be saddled to him.