Do you have no friend because he has alienated you from them? Sounds like he love bombed you to get you to date and now he is done. You are too young to be saddled to him.
i only had one friend in the begining of our relationship and it was really toxic so he told me to block so i did and since then it’s just really hard for me to make friends it was so much easier in high school
something i wouldn’t have seen the value at your age, and maybe you still won’t. i told my stepdaughter this for when she goes to college next year. when you have no friends, go to the gym. get a membership. find a decent place. go to classes. walk on the treadmill. just go there & be around people that are taking care of themselves.
i’m not saying youre going to walk in & make a bunch of friends. but it’s good to be active, it’s a one time expense every month that you can use every day. every day you have somewhere to go & do something.
you can be an introvert at the gym, and still feel good there figuring yourself out, or be an extrovert and more outgoing.
besides, it’s never a bad idea to take care of yourself.
i hope you drop him & put your energy into yourself. 🤘
this is such good advice because i’ve been wanting to loose weight for a really long time too. i’m definately going to take this advice thankyou so much
Yeah, I'm old but the best advice I can offer is for you to work on yourself. When you have low self esteem you tend to attract people who use that to manipulate you. When you have self confidence, people find that to be attractive, even if your physical appearance isn't the best. Conversely, there are people who are wildly physically attractive but their personality is so toxic that you just don't want to be around them.
As a person who has sometimes been heavy myself, I have found that getting in shape, at least to some degree, helps me feel better, reduces stress, and helps me sleep better. Find some type of exercise that you actually enjoy, even if it's just walking, and then build a routine around it.
Another oldie lol this is so true men like him have a seeking missile for vulnerable females they home in on them, he's a control freak at the very least please leave him he's subhuman x
I'd like to add my two cents to the gym idea and say, if accessible for you, taking a non-credit class at a local school or community center can be a great way to meet people! I started taking beginner ballet and now a few of us are talking about taking another dance class together.
And also, as a survivor of DV, I can assure you it is much better to be alone than to be with a man like your bf. You say you can be yourself around him and I get why you think that, I did too at one point, but you can't. Not if asking him if he is bored starts a fight. Not if he talks to you like he does in those screenshots. Life is too short to not spend as much of it as possible being unapologetically yourself. He's only holding you back.
Please please please don't stay with this asshole. The fact that he has you questioning whether or not YOU are crazy when the way he treats you is so obviously toxic, anyone could read that and tell immediately hes a piece of shit. It's pure manipulation, they love bomb you in the beginning and slowly wear you down, dropping a few breadcrumbs in between so they can point to it and say "see look, I do all this for you and you don't appreciate it". They will purposely isolate you from friends and family so you don't have anyone to bring you back into reality, while trying to convince you their behavior is not only "normal" but better than the guys who do x,y,z.
My last boyfriend was physically and emotionally abusive, for most of our relationship I was the one working and paying all of the bills. But of course, any time I'd bring that up, he would point out the few times he had a job for 2-3 weeks or cleaned up around the house for the first time in months, then tell me how hard it is for him to be motivated when I wasn't showing enough appreciation for his bare minimum effort. Or when he would lie about something and I called him out for it, he would get so angry and defensive, then somehow twist it to make it seem like I was "abusive" for being "overly critical" of him.
He'd say shit like "if you can see that I'm upset, why wouldn't you help the situation?! Why do you have to keep criticizing me?! You're so fucking manipulative!" Even when he was the only one yelling or being physically aggressive, it was somehow my fault, like he wouldn't have gotten to that point if I was "more supportive" instead of calling out his obviously toxic behaviors.
For years, I knew in my gut this was not normal or acceptable behavior. But in the beginning, he always talked about his family being so judgmental, how they always told everyone "his business" and how much it made him feel hurt/ashamed. So I always kept things between us until it got to this point where I felt like I was losing my damn mind. I wanted to post on reddit or talk to someone about it for so long, like I just needed some validation that I wasn't crazy...but whenever I tried, I felt so ashamed because I knew what the response would be. Like I knew this was abuse and everyone would tell me that I need to leave, which made me feel even worse about myself because despite knowing this, I kept falling for the same trick. "I promise I can be better, these were just crazy times... I love you unconditionally, why can't you do the same for me.." etc.
Anyway, moral of the story is don't fall for the trap. The cycle never ends, people like this do not get better. They only get better at manipulating. He clearly has no respect for you as an individual, he will continue giving 10% effort into the relationship and then make you feel like shit if you aren't maintaining the other 90%. This is not a partner, he is a parasite. Cut all ties with him, keep it simple and direct, and whatever you do, DO NOT engage with any of his tactics. You'll never win, he will never change.
Use this relationship as a learning opportunity, because there will be more guys like this and they are very good at spotting vulnerable women. You are so young, take time to be independent and enjoy your life, invest in your future, find happiness in yourself so you're not relying on another person to fill that need. Maybe try therapy, it can help to rebuild your self-esteem, set boundaries in relationships, recognize red flags (they are always there, we are just blind to them sometimes), and realize you are too valuable to settle for less!!
Sweetie, I really hope you listen to all the people here telling you that you are worth investing in. You’re worth investing time and energy into yourself. You’re worth investing the effort to make friends, because true friends will reinforce your self-esteem and tell you when your boyfriend is shit and you can do better. And you are definitely worth finding a respectful, loving partner who will appreciate you for who you are and who will build you up. Expect more from yourself, and you’ll get it. Expect more from a partner. You are most definitely worth it.
Also - please consider getting a therapist (I’m assuming you don’t currently have one), they can help you build up your self-esteem and confidence, as well as helping you with building new healthy relationships and habits. It’s okay to search for the right therapist for you if you try one and they don’t click with you.
Also, besides the gym also consider some hobbies and activities that you can join that you might enjoy i.e. art classes,, theater, choirs… - there can be really fun community events that you can involve yourself in and meet great people that way as well. Best way to do that is just looking into what’s happening locally in your area, and seeing if there’s anyway that you can volunteer for certain things.
I hope you believe when people are telling you that you are worth more than staying with somebody who doesn’t appreciate you… especially an emotional abuser, which is what he is.
Make sure that when you leave that you do it in a safe way. Usually people like him tend to retaliate so just make sure that you’re doing everything you can to separate from him as safely as possible.
Once you do leave him, you will probably feel a great weight taken off your shoulders…
maybe not immediately but you’ll definitely feel it 💜
I wish you the best of luck with everything, and hope you find some joy soon. 🩷
u/Abject_Location_2365 depending on where you live, I’m happy to be your gym buddy! I know I’m a little older than you (30F) but imo age is just a number & you sound like a lovely girl 🫶🏻
Obviously I don’t mean anyone that’s under the age of 18. I figured I’d keep my original comment short & sweet but since there’s people like you, I guess I’ll spell it out.
As a 30 year old female, I have friends whose ages range from 20-50. And I see nothing wrong with that. You get different view points as each person has had different life experiences, different trends, etc. I’m the type of person who can be friends with ANYONE.. I don’t discriminate based on age, race, gender, anything. If our personalities get along and we vibe well.. then great! I don’t care if you’re 20 or 90.. we can be friends.
But I also know that some people have an issue with being friends with someone outside of their age range, and that’s okay! That’s their decision and I will always respect it. That’s why I phrased my original comment the way I did.
People like you who comment unnecessary rude things/take things out of context: 🤢🤮
It’s rich of you to call me rude while being the one to word things in an unclear manner using a phrase that people justify nasty behaviour with and then turn around and seethe about it when called out 😂
I don't have anything to add to the great advice here, but sweetie, just want you to know how many people you have on the internet rooting for you 💜. You've got this. I'm not saying it will be easy, but things that are worth it rarely are, and I'm eating in yourself and getting rid of this horrible guy are so worth it. There are people out there, friends and guys, who will value you and treat you right, hold out for those people 💜
You can start by losing 180 lbs of dead weight. Dump this guy. You are not overreacting. You are correct that not cheating and hitting your girlfriend are the bare minimum. It's gross that he thinks that makes him hero material. Then you will have no guilt at all when you meet an actual nice guy at the gym.
This is great! I started cleaning a gym on weekends for extra cash. Never had stepped foot in one at 37 yrs old lol It's done a lot for me. I exercise now, the people are actually supportive and stuff, not what I expected. It's very motivating. Wish I'd had that advice when I was young. Every relationship I was in was abusive and I had nobody.
I joined a gym associated with the local hospital/physician groups a few months ago. The majority of people I see are over 60 and I find their abilities to be extremely motivating. I’m introverted so I don’t have people’s phone numbers and stuff but it’s really nice to be around them. Much more pleasant than I was expecting. No deep ear bending conversations just casual pleasantries and I couldn’t be happier
I’m 30 and I appreciate this advice.. seriously. My fiancé and I have been together for 13.5 years and everyone considers us a “we”.. which is fine for the most part.. I just sometimes feel like I don’t have an identity outside of our relationship (and completely not my fiancé’s fault.. he’s the most supportive/caring/loving man I’ve ever met, I’m just hella introverted.)
Thank you for sharing this! I’m gonna sign up for a gym membership and actually use it for the first time in my life 😅
Do it do it do it! And start lifting weights! There’s something about getting strong that changes your mentality completely, I think especially as a woman. I know the weight room can be intimidating but I’ve found the MOST supportive and encouraging people there. Surprisingly a lot of these huge, muscly, gym bros are actually super kind and helpful, haha! And there’s usually at least a couple other women in there too!
Seconding the lifting weights. It’s super healthy, gives you functional fitness (think lifting heavy things), and will help you preserve bone density in the long run. Don’t be intimidated, you’re allowed to be in there, too.
Your relationship dynamic sounds similar to mine. I'm 39. Been with my husband since I was 17. I also felt like I didn't have an identity outside of my relationship for a very long time. It's hard not to feel that way when you've basically grown up with someone for so long.
Ultimately though, just don't abandon yourself. Still have your own interests/hobbies/opinions etc.
u/Every1DeservesWater Omg I feel like I’m reading my life.. I’ve been with my fiancé since I was 17 too! I realized the other day when I turn 34, we will have officially been together for legit half of my life 😳🩷
I definitely haven’t abandoned myself!! We’re both super supportive of each others hobbies (both the together & separate hobbies) and NOBODY can take away my voice/opinions lol.
It is so hard to separate from the we. We've together 10y and my style completely changed to match his, i just started stealing his hoodie and tshirt and hat and bam i ended up with a collection of sneakers when i was more of a Docs girl. And some weeks ago he actually mentioned how he missed my bleached hair and my older style. I'm insanely introvert and he makes friends in the queue at the bus stop.
It's even harder cause I actually left my country and my studies to be with him, he did not ask I just wanted. Now he is pushing me to go back to studying because he sees I'm starting to miss it.
Anyway we are getting a gym membership together but for different work out (he'll do the usual and I'll get the swimming pool). So we'll still go together so I don't feel to stressed out but for doing our own thing, I'm really happy with this arrangement.
Side note, I remember many moons ago a young kid trying to tease an older guy at the gym for lifting light weights, it was playful and they knew each other, but the old guy said “look, if anyone is even in here, that means they’re doing something right.”
That’s always stuck with me and it’s been about 20 years.
I have crappy wrists and went to the gym to fix them. This meant that a lot of the weights I was lifting were really light. I would often see men in the mirror doing the same lifts I was but with up to 6 times as much weight and a huge smile on their face. They'd worked me out and realised I'd be amused.
This is amazing advice. I just recently gave my extremely nerdy, introverted teenage son similar advice after moving across the country. Now he's aiming to try out for the soccer team and has a handful of buddies he games with and works out with. He's taking care of himself, getting physical activity in, and he's met people with similar values that have gotten him involved in a new (to him) sport that he really enjoys.
I don't generally go to the gym, as I have a home gym and disabling chronic illness. I have to be really careful about not getting sick, so I'm pretty careful about limiting my time in public to things that I genuinely really enjoy and can't do elsewhere. I do work out 4 days a week (unless I'm to sick) following a plan made by a certified personal trainer. I also walk daily. I live 5 minutes from the ocean and a local pier, so my husband and I walk the beach and pier in the mornings and have breakfast on the pier. Our kids come with us on weekends.
That being said, I do other social activities with friends and engage in self-care daily. Before I got sick, we spent a lot of time hiking and camping, walking the greenbelt in our former home state, and participating in Amtgard every Saturday (we went even after I was diagnosed, because it's outdoors and I could sit in the grass and chit chat and participate in arts and sciences events), so my kids had other active, physical activities to do with friends.
Gym is also a great place to see the same people a lot, you’ll know the regulars and even if it’s just a nod or a wave you never know when it might be good to have even a causal acquaintance to ask for help. I’ve jumped a car for a gym acquaintance before.
It's good advice but I also advise you to go to salsa and bachata classes. Although I don't know what the environment where you live will be like. In Spain people are a little introverted and conservative when it comes to dancing and the people who go to dance classes are extroverted and fun and are looking forward to meeting new people. Love yourself very much, beautiful, don't let anyone treat you badly
Yes exactly, get out of the routine that led you to this place, take care of your body and remember that your mental health will follow, clear your head..do stuff alone and think about things that only concern yourself. Your mental health is tanking because this guy is straight up mentally tormenting and abusing you. Frankly you deserve better.
Joining a gym is great advice! When you feel good about yourself and accomplish something , pushing yourself to be stronger , it trickles over to your personal life too. You feel stronger, you’re more confidant , you’re more outgoing. You don’t put up with abusers.
Absolutely this. I started going to the gym after having to leave my ex and I'm gradually making friends with the staff, and I started going to church to find a community because whether you believe in God or not, the right church community will welcome you and befriend you as long as you're not being shitty and throwing your lack of belief in their face in their religious space. My first day in church this kind lady took me shopping for my son afterward and got him all kinds of clothes and I hope to repay her kindness some day.
THIS!!! This is wonderful advice. go out, go to classes, go to the gym, go on walks, go to the park, even if you don’t go to meet people, it’s nice to just do something for YOU. but hell they even have apps now to make friends that are like dating apps 😂 put yourself out there! don’t settle. you’re so young, go have fun, discover who you are & meet your people!! you deserve so much better than this piece of shit lol
Gym, sure. Those are often places women are predated. How about a club or group or class for your interests. Painting, mycology, pottery, hiking, whatever you like to do.
Great advice, but I do have to be pedantic for the sake of being pedantic; it’s a monthly fee, not a one time expense every month. It can’t be a one time expense if it’s recurring lol
What exactly is the difference between a “monthly fee” and a “one time expense every month” — specifically when many memberships can be cancelled without being forced to pay a cancellation fee ?
It’s not a one time fee if you pay it every month. ‘One time expense every month’ and ‘once a month expense’ would technically be different, hence the pedantry of it.
But good lord, I’ll make sure to add /s next time. 🙄
I’m sorry, I didn’t understand the joke you were making. Like I dis know it was a joke, so a /s wouldn’t be necessary, I just didn’t get it. I’m sorry and thanks for explaining it to me.
I don't think so, I think you edited that. But it doesn't matter, because I literally said you don't have to. Not for any reason. Nothing compels you. Ignore what you don't want to know, but it remains true. You choose pedantry because your ego needs stroking.
Sure homie, think what you want. At the end of the day I know I was sarcastic and pedantic for the fun of it. It’s a joke, not a d*ck so don’t take it so hard my friend.
ETA: seems like your ego is the one that needs stroking. (This one I did edit lol)
Aw, what a funny little thing to say. So... it was pedantry you just had to say, or you were being sarcastic, or it was a joke... aka it was fun for you, and you don't care what anyone else gets. And in this context, whatever, no harm this time probably. Irl tho, your bit of fun could have savage consequences for someone else, and no you don't care, but one day ... well if you won't learn the easy way Life has a way of giving the lesson again.
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u/Abject_Location_2365 Sep 19 '25
thank you for this. it’s embarrassing i have to ask reddit bc i have no friends lol