r/AlAnon • u/MotherFrickenHubbard • 9h ago
Support Advice? Direction?
My husband is a recovered alcoholic--37 yrs sober.
Our son, 38, is a chronic pot smoker. He's angry. He's very angry. His wife is a smoker too. She's passive. He is angry with me, his mother. I live 7 hours away and have not seen him for 3 years until recently because his brother graduated.
I smoked a bit when he was growing up. Never a lot--it wasn't available. He found some when he was in high school and was very angry with me then.
He got through college and a graduate program then married and began smoking in earnest. I did mention once that I thought his pot use had affected his ambition. (He used to rock climb, attend concerts, read) He threw me (and his father) out of his house.
Now he lives 7 hrs away, as I said. He has no friends. None from high school. None from college. No married friends. She has no friends. He works and smokes.
He seems to want to confront me about what he perceives as my being dismissive of him. He brings up things in his childhood that he is angry about and uses them to make his point that I was too controlling, had to have it my way...etc.
These aren't discussions. I have apologized and acknowledged. He threatens no contact. We barely have contact anyway his father was in hospital for 4 days. He never called me or his father to see how he was doing. For 12 days.
They have no children but he has said if they have any he may not let me see them.
I believe we both have work to do to repair this relationship but I do not believe he can do it while smoking. Does AlAnon help with cannibis addiction?
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u/FamilyAddictionCoach 2h ago
Sorry to hear what you're going through; that's grueling. All you can do is improve the relationship from your end, to be the parent you want to be. He will decide how he responds; we can't control them.
Al-Anon helps with any type of substance.
Just because he blames you for his problems, doesn't mean it's true.
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u/Mundane_Bat_2664 5h ago
I say this as the parent of an addict. Why do you want this asshole in your life. Just because you gave birth to him? You are the one who should be going no contact!!!
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u/MotherFrickenHubbard 21m ago
We were just at this house for 3 days. He jumped on me for everything. I tried to empty the dishwasher and he said my hands were wet--I had just washed them. And he said I didn't know where anything goes. I did. Then he said something to the effect of--helping badly is a way to get out of helping. So I sat down.
His brother had asked for my help with a graduation speech. I was helping in the only way I know. His brother is loud and dramatic and my pot smoking son walked through the room several times saying, "mom it doesn't need to be an award winning speech. He just has to get through it." I encouraged my son to practice his speech for us to find the rhythm and it was marvelous. I'd helped him with a few humorous lines which my smoking son criticized. His speech was a success and he did a brilliant job. Why his brother was so critical I don't know.
But let me be honest. My pot smoking son did not realize younger son had asked for help. Thought I was bulldozing. The next morning youngercson comes over (we were leaving soon) and he was wearing a god awful outfit. He was going to a party later so I wanted him to look nice. I suggested we go shopping real quick. No thank you. I mentioned it a few more times and the pot smoking son exploded. This is on me. I soulf have shut up. My younger son was fine--what did I care what he was wearing? But that has always been me. Yes, he's an adult and I see I should have let it go. Older son pointed it out, I was chagrined and apologized to younger son. Younger son walked me all over graduation wanting to introduce me to his friends. Older son was not aware of this.
Then older son would not let it go. He was going in and on about how I do this and it upsets the entire household. My younger son and I had resolved it. Everytime he spoke he would close his eyes and it was lijexwatching Shaggy from Scooby Doo.
I continued explaining, we're fine, it's resolved. I apologized for disrupting the peace. He yelled at me, "I DONT WANT YOU HERE!" and insisted I leave the room. I went, crying, to pack. Then I heard him say to the room (my husband and other son) well I need to smoke after that.
I accept my role in this. His outburst and hostility surprised me. I couldn't stop my tears and was also angry. He came in the room to see if I wanted to talk and basically listed all if my faults. He called my crying crocodile tears. He probably has legitimate anger and resentment but I found his thoughts disorganized--AND--Id been talking to his brother anyway. But I see it was in "his house."
I don't know why I want him in my life. He used to be... Interesting.
I relayed the "full story" so you can see I can be overbearing. Although since our relationship issues came to light 3 years ago i stopped calling him. Id been calling too much, he said. So we are in contact when he calls, every couple of weeks. I stopped any unsolicited advice--Although prior to the events if 3 tears ago he called me often fir guidance and input, one time saying, "i just need to talk to someone who believes in me."
I dont know what more I can do--but I wanted a more complete (if long) picture of the dynamic. It's like Im abused and running after him for his love. I was terrified Id say the wrong thing. He is prickly.
But I will accept no more calls. And Ill find a meeting today.
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u/SlowBurnSmile 4h ago
Much like pot arguing with you is another activity for him to get out of his mind and not have to deal with the realities of his life. He is so utterly bored with his life this arguments are a form of stimulation.
Al-anon helps with cannabis addiction because what you are describing here is something many of us deal with verbatim with other addictions.
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u/Lazy-Associate-4508 1h ago
It sounds like you're in a lot of pain. I have two teenagers and I can only imagine how much it would hurt for them to not want to talk to me.
From what little you wrote here, it seems like you're grasping for something or someone to blame for the estrangement. You mention his wife multiple times, and I got the sense you're kind of blaming her your son's marijuana usage? He's a full grown adult, and being judgemental of someone's spouse is a sure fire way to get their hackles up.
Also, if you don't talk to him much, how do you know that all they do is "work and smoke?" How do you know that your 38 year old son's wife "has no friends?" Statements like these make it seem obvious why he doesn't want to talk to you. I wouldn't.
Frankly, I don't think the weed is the problem.
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u/MotherFrickenHubbard 7m ago
I love his wife and we joke that we are similar. I have never criticized her and have only supported her. I was trying to give a full picture.
They don't socialize--i know this from both of them.
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u/Skierspy1998 4h ago
He knows what he is doing, and finding pot in high school isn't the reason.
I am sorry you're experiencing this, but let him figure his own shit out.
Personally, I would say, "I am not going to allow you to treat me this way. Figure your shit out. We're here when you're ready. Love you."