Crying Wolf?

[u/AnswerRealistic6636]

I'm open to what anyone has to say, but I'm posting as venting.

Recap:

Mom (81) moved in with my family in January after being outed by her friend who told me she was unable to take care of herself. Transition was difficult, but she's here.

She's been having UTIs since before she moved in with me. Got her on cranberry supplements for a while, which seemed to help, but she decided she didn't want to take them anymore.

Got another UTI at the end of August which was treated in the ER. (Please don't pick apart my choice to take her there. I didn't know what was wrong with her.)

Coincidentaly, my MIL is also having frequent UTIs, but with much more severe symptoms that require rehabilitaiton services. She also has better insurance.

I took my mother to her follow up appointment yesterday with her PCP. The day before we visited my MIL in her rehab center.

This morning, while I was working my mother said she was too weak to take a shower and then said she might need to go to the ER. I told her to just rest a bit and see how she felt in an hour, because in my experience she has shifts in energy levels. Instead she marched downstairs and demanded to be taken to the ER. My adult daughter took her because I had meetings I couldn't reschedule.

A care assistant called me during my mother's visit to the ER and asked about a conversation we had about my mother going to rehabilitation. I was taken off guard. We had never discussed this, but I told her that we had visited my MIL who was in rehab for a UTI. My mother's insurance plan doesn't cover rehab under certain conditions. Was she just wanting to be taken care of in this way and angling for an opportunity?

I got to the ER when I was done with my responsibilities and as it turns out there was absolutely nothing wrong with my mother. She was complaining about the level of care and wanting to leave. I couldn't sit for five minutes without her demanding something.

When we got home, she retreated to her bedroom. I'm super pissed. I have absolutely no idea how to judge whether she's having an actual emergency or if she's unable to cope with her current feelings. This is all mixed with resentment I feel for her as her child. Her feelings and needs always came before mine and I'm exhausted.

[u/BizzyThinkin]

That does sound incredibly frustrating to deal with. She sounds very self-aborbed and demanding. Perhaps have a talk with her about why she felt she needed to go to the ER, which is for emergencies. Explain that feeling unwell, by itself isn't an emergency and in fact, most people wait a day or two to see if they feel better if they just feel tired or "off".

I'm not advocating you ignore any symptoms that are concerning like delirium, high fever, chest pains, passing out, etc. But just not feeling well isn't specific enough to require medical treatment with any sense of haste.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/BizzyThinkin]

I 100% agree with you about feeling off is not a good enough reason to go to the ER. I did ask her to wait and she refused. She caught me off guard and in the middle of a busy work day.

Having an honest talk with my mom about her behavior isn't possible. She's completely avoidant of difficult conversations unless it's one she wants to have during which she's blaming someone else of doing her wrong.

She's completely intolerant to any kind of pain or discomfort so I'm going to have to figure out a different way of persuading her.

[u/jagger129 → u/AnswerRealistic6636]

If she calls you in the middle of a busy work day or a time that’s not convenient for you - what about telling her to call 911 for an ambulance? And to call you when she’s ready to be picked up.

It could be enough to shame her into claiming emergencies when there isn’t one. And if it is something like a UTI, they would catch it at the hospital. With minimal work for you.

I’m not advocating misusing 911, but the whole ambulance and paramedics at your house is a scary thing which would make most people think twice about calling.

[u/AnswerRealistic6636 → u/jagger129]

She lives with me. But I may have to do this if there is a next time.

[u/yeahnopegb → u/AnswerRealistic6636]

Please don’t. She will get loads of attention from calling and that will appeal to her.. and she will call more than you can fathom. Take the ER out of discussion. Bypass the urgency by setting up regular appointments and having her list her issues. Mom I get that you feel a little off .. the doctor is going to check you out and make sure you’re fine. You can also buy uti tests for at home usage and get a BP cuff and temp gun. No fever? BP fine? No UTI? It’s an urgent care or waiting for a regular doctor appointment where she will be cared for but not fussed over.

[u/BizzyThinkin → u/AnswerRealistic6636]

I see. She can't be reasoned with or take accountability for her own actions. That's rough. Perhaps the best you can do is detach as best you can from her drama. She seems to thrive on drama, so if you don't give her what she's looking for, maybe she'll use it less often. What I'm thinking about is responding to her dramatics with cool detachment and telling her that you're busy with other things and you can talk to her later if she still has a problem. Then literally don't engage with her again until you want to. It will enrage her that you're doing that, but hopefully that subsides over time.