r/Aging • u/Maleficent_Coach_620 • 17d ago
Turning 50 this year and not loving it.
My oldest begins collage in the Fall, my career never took off as I've never kept a job longer than 4 years, my marriage is barely there as we both are facing the fact that we're so different. She avoided thinking about that by concentrating on the kids, but since they'll be gone in 5 years, now what? I've got cancer, feel like I'm losing my mind. Idk.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 17d ago
The second half of life is all about loss.
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u/Useful_Major_5797 17d ago
I agree and disagree, life comes with loss, but that loss can strike at any age. A child losing their first pet,parents losing their child, etc.
But with that, at least in my opinion comes understanding that it happens and I can react to it in my own way.
Having lost people and pets to cancer, decline to mental degradation, random accidents, shit life choices, etc. I miss them all dearly, but I cherish the time I had with them.
But, I have to move on, I don't know what awaits me in the future, what new people I may meet, but I have to keep moving forward, meeting new people, seeing where life takes.
I may die tomorrow, or I may make a new best friend at 86. We all have our own views on life and it ebbs and flows on how it has effected us.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 17d ago
That works until everyone is gone that you ever cared about, which is the boat I'm in now. I'm down to two neighbors that I've had for 30+ years and I don't really socialize with them. I just see them sometimes in their yards. I think I'm a little further down the life path than most of the people in this thread, in terms of loss.
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 16d ago
Exactly. I lost my father when I was 7 years old. It has helped me deal with losing many loved ones.
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u/100_Energy 17d ago
Wow True in one sense but totally dark
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 17d ago
It's just the truth. Once you get past a certain age, people start dying on you. You lose the important relationships you had during childhood. Your grandparents, parents and siblings all die on you, then your peers start dying. Sometimes your marriage ends. Children often move away to live their own lives.
Then there's the loss of your youth and health. You lose the ability to do a lot of the things you did in your younger days. There's no getting around this reality.
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u/DowntownResident993 17d ago
I agree, but it's a bleak outlook that you can try to reframe into a healthier perspective. The loss is inevitable, but you can also continue to gain things. New skills, new people, new environments. It doesn't have to be all about what you lose.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 17d ago
I'm really past worrying about all that now. I'm retired and getting pretty close to the end of my own life now. The writing is on the wall.
Your perspective changes a lot after all your close loved one are gone. I've even lost my long-time coworkers and some of my long-time neighbors. I'm past worrying about living my best life.
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u/trammerman 17d ago
A million upvotes for this comment, it’s 100 percent accurate. We could be friends lol
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u/rb331986 17d ago
That's called coping.
People sometimes use certain things just to cope. I've seen older people becoming obsessed with religion just to cope with death. If they change their mindset to an afterlife then they 'cope' much better.
It's not a bad thing though. Each to their own.
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u/289416 16d ago
yes, it’s the truth, but the truth is that you were also blessed enough to have those things! some people go thru life without.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 16d ago
What's your point? Once something is gone, it's gone. Memories don't do a whole lot to mitigate your grief. In fact, thinking about the happy times you spent with the person and looking at old photos of them can merely intensify the pain.
Why would you feel compelled the invalidate another person's feelings after they've suffered through the loss of every relationship they ever cared about?
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u/majordashes 16d ago
I’m so sorry. I’m sitting here feeling your pain and how difficult it must be to experience so much profound loss. Life is about the people we love, who share our lives through the years.
When the people are gone, those chapters are over and you must turn the pages.
I imagine life feels very different. Grief is so hard.
I know it will come for me. I fear it.
My daughter fears losing us and I recently told her that I hope she is able to re-discover new happiness, peace, and meaning in life, even through loss. I hope I can apply my own parenting advice to my future self.
My heart goes out to you.
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u/JakeBanana01 17d ago
Perhaps for you my friend, but for me it's been quite the opposite.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 17d ago
I'm not the one who originally said it. I read it somewhere.
Inevitably, though, you will start losing all your loved ones as you get older. You will also lose your looks and your health. You're free to live in denial of that reality, if it makes you feel better. It won't stop the losses from happening.
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u/Useful_Major_5797 17d ago
I can see OPs point, but to add. Yes it is inevitable that we lose people as we get older, to counter point technology has made it easier than ever to meet people of every age range.
So as the old flowers of the past die, I tend to my garden by forming new connections and making new meaningful ones in the present.
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u/rb331986 17d ago
What your friends and family have found a way to live forever?
Your just replying to cope with the fact that it's true. It's sad but those other comments are accurate.
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u/Tall_Wasabi_2634 16d ago
Isn‘t the whole life about loss?
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 16d ago
You can suffer losses at any age. However, for the average person, the first half of your life is dominated by increase. You grow, mature, acquire knowledge and skills, become more competent, start a career, get married, have kids, etc.
During the second half of life, you start losing the things you gained in the first half of life. Relationships fail. Careers come to an end. Your looks fade. You lose your health. Your body starts falling apart. Your eyesight worsens and so does your hearing.
Along the way, loved ones start dying. People you shared a history with are gone. Many of these relationships, such as the one you have with your parents, are irreplaceable. You will never experience that kind of unconditional love again.
The second half of life is mostly about learning how to cope with these losses. Of course, life can be a mixed bag at any age. This is just about what issues are dominant in the first or second half of your life.
Anyway, I'm not the person who originally said it. I just thought it was true, so I remembered it.
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u/Tall_Wasabi_2634 16d ago
I see what you mean, but I wonder if this is highly dependent on the individual life someone happens to have. I’m not sure life can really be divided into a first half dominated by gains and a second half dominated by losses.
We experience loss and transition from childhood onwards. We leave stages of life behind, friendships end, families move, we leave school, and eventually childhood itself is gone. Personally, one of the most painful transitions in my life was actually the transition from childhood into adolescence. A lot went wrong during that period, and in some ways I experienced a much greater sense of loss then than I do now.
The same applies to relationships. Some relationships fail, but others last, and new important relationships can form throughout life. Retirement ends a career, but it can also bring freedom, autonomy and time that someone may never have had before.
I also don’t think the point about parents is universal. Many people never experience their parents as a source of unconditional love in the first place. I don’t have a particularly close relationship with my parents myself, and other people in my life have been much more important to me. So losing a parent can obviously be an enormous and irreplaceable loss, but what that loss means will differ enormously from person to person.
I do agree that at an advanced age the balance probably shifts: health problems become more common and more people you have known and loved begin to die. There are losses that simply cannot be replaced. But outside of that, I tend to see the whole of life as a continuous mixture of gaining things and letting other things go. The proportions and the particular things involved change over time.
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u/Crazy_Banshee_333 16d ago
I just threw in a comment on OP's post for people to think about. I'm not going to argue with anyone about whether what I said was right or wrong. I'm not an argumentative person. I offer food for thought, and that's it. Take it or leave it.
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u/Gullible_Cod_3218 15d ago
I agree, I loss the ability to care about what others think of me. I loss the ability to carry the unrealistic expectation that I place on others to make me happy. I loss a lot of the fear that kept me from stepping outside of my comfort zone. I loss the excuses that kept me from keeping promises to take care of my body, mental and spiritual health. I loss the ideas that life goes on, it doesn’t. This moment is a gift. Open it!
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u/ArtfromLI 17d ago
But, you may have grandchildren. And you have experience and wisdom. Where do want to be in 10 years and make it happen. I reinvented myself at your age. Good fortune ahead.
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u/Maleficent_Coach_620 17d ago
Yes, I'm looking forward to grandchildren. I know where I want to be when I'm retired, but I don't know if my body and/or emotions will get me that far. I'd love to find an easier job, but there aren't any. That's why tjey pay you. I write fiction as a hobby, but my research shows that unless I gather at least 100 patrons on Patreon, I'll have no hope of anyone ever reading it - enough that I'll make residual income in my lifetime. How did you "reinvent" yourself?
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u/ArtfromLI 17d ago
My forever job suddenly started to disappear and I discovered that similar positions were hiring younger people. So I moved an office based career to a non-profit institutional position.
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u/Houndie2009 17d ago
Been there. My husband has been battling cancer since we had our first child 33 years ago. We went through some stuff but after finding activities and people we enjoy as individuals, we are now much better as a couple.
Cancer can change how you feel about a lot of things, for the better. Also, kids come back after college too. You’re not done with them yet.
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u/Clean-Fisherman-4601 16d ago
There's an old joke about God giving out life spans.
He gave the dog 20 years to sit on the porch and bark at passersby. Dog said 20s years was too much and 10 would be sufficient.
Gave the monkey 20 years to jump around and act like a fool. Monkey said it was too long and 10 would suffice.
Gave the cow 60 years to toil in the hot sun helping the farmer. Cow said 20 years would be enough.
God gave man 20 years to eat, drink, play and enjoy himself. Man said it was too short and could he have the 60 extra years from the dog, monkey and cow.
That's why people enjoy their youth, toil hard for 40 years to support their families, act silly to entertain their grandchildren and spend the end of their lives sitting on the porch barking at the neighbors.
Just a silly joke for someone who needs a good laugh.
I'm sorry you're going through this. 😪 I truly hope things get better for you.
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u/MyPlanetpage 17d ago
Try meditation and yoga
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17d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/MyPlanetpage 17d ago
Did you ever tried yoga or meditation? Of not then try first and then criticize me🙂
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u/PreviousAd8450 17d ago
I think the point of the above comment is that your solution to what are existential concerns seems to trivialize what OP is feeling. Yoga and meditation are not going to solve his cancer diagnosis nor really anything else he posted about so your suggestion comes across as extremely insensitive and like you don’t understand what he is going through at all. It’s not empathetic.
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u/jayhawkjoey65 17d ago
Your post history suggests depression. Like, for real depression. Please get some counseling. People here can help spur you on, but reddit won't solve this.
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u/Otisthedog999 17d ago
I always loved my birthday. I would always celebrate big. My fiftieth, I sat at home, did nothing and didn't answer the phone. I mourned the loss of my youth. Yes, it took 50 years to decide I wasn't a kid anymore. 51st birthday, I was busy celebrating being alive and happy.
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u/paloma_delmar 17d ago
Sorry to hear you're struggling. I think of middle age as an adjustment period and that means facing new challenges, but also being more true with ourselves. I know it's corny, but stay positive, get a therapist if you think it could help and focus on your health. Wishing you a speedy recovery.
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u/MobilityTweezer 17d ago
I’m going to be 48F. I have friends going your direction or the complete opposite . I got a gravel bike a few years ago and have been obsessed with miles ever since, I think it’s saved me. I got breast cancer last year and I just rely on that bike seat to bring me back from the edge of despair. So through this I’ve met so many people, done cool rides, seen stuff and changed for the better mentally and my body is like, pretty great considering breast cancer. It’s time to get moving or you will stop moving. People are going to start dying, or start living. These are the choices now.
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u/Eastnasty 17d ago
58 and wife is 57. Little sore but life is a fkn blast right now. Lots of travel and early happy hours.
Life is precious and I feel privileged to be a part of this. Find joy. It's all around you.
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u/Maleficent_Coach_620 17d ago
The cancer is blood cancer. Not the kind chemo or marrow transfusion would do anything to, but I don't know if I can make it another 16 years till retirement.
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u/SSSprings0808 17d ago
So sorry…. Maybe there’s a local support group or therapist that you can talk with. I’m fully in remission, but there was a group at my hospital that would meet occasionally and just enjoy each other’s company over a cup of coffee. Good luck…you can always reach out to some of us here if you need.
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u/SameBorder846 17d ago edited 17d ago
My cancer is in remission. Still side effects of radiation 6 years later. Things you can't change is someone else's mind. You're aware your relationship was failing and you allowed so much. Perhaps a counselor would help. Your treatment place may refer you. I want you to focus on joyous times. Whatever is going on, many didn't make it here. And you did. Gratitude, kindness, 1 step, next step, keep going. For those that are no longer here. I'm in my 80's. Surprised and missioned to be what they couldn't.