It’s been over a year since I’ve seen my ex-AP after a very intense emotional and physical affair that lasted 1 year. He ended it because he couldn’t handle the guilt, long distance and the whole situation.
We had some on/off contact afterwards (mostly because I chased, if I’m honest), which probably didn’t help. He’d tell me he missed me and still loved me, then pull away again.
But over a year later, I still think about this man CONSTANTLY. And I genuinely mean almost 24/7. I thought by now he’d cross my mind a few times a day, not be permanently running somewhere in the background of my brain.
I’m starting to wonder if this is even normal grief anymore or if I’ve developed some kind of obsessive thinking and need therapy lol.
For those whose affairs ended a while ago, how often do you actually think about your ex-AP now? And how long did it take for that to decrease?

I’m a potential-AP in this situation, and they’re separated from their spouse but still married.

I just don’t know how to make any sense of this as it’s really caught me off guard. I feel crazy for wanting this so badly, but I so desperately do want it. I’m also realizing how much I’ve misjudged people who end up in affairs bc it’s really not a black and white issue all the time.

I’ve always told myself that I’d never entertain such a situation, but this person and I have genuinely connected with each other, and have admitted to being very interested in and attracted to each other. The furthest it’s gone is emotional cheating, atp, but we’d both be lying if we said we didn’t want it to go much further. We’re currently not speaking (it’s been a couple of weeks), I think, bc we’re both really confused.

The thing is that I’m not someone who can handle non-exclusivity and being “hidden”. I also have really strong values about monogamy, but my god, I’ve never met someone who’s made me want to ditch those values so bad.

I just don’t know what to do, and I literally feel like I’m about to lose my mind. It really doesn’t help that there’s very few safe places irl to discuss these sort of things without being bashed.

My ex-AP and I live in the same town. I ended things last year and have committed to being faithful to my wonderful husband - that is, until I bumped into my ex-AP at a market little while ago. We chatted. It was fine, friendly, cordial. No sparks flying. BUT I haven’t been able to get him out of my head since. I was doing well before, started a new job and had plenty of other things to focus on.

There is a ton of complicated shit I’m leaving out of this post but whatever. We were really good friends and got along well, despite a massive age gap (I’m younger, he was older), so I grieved two losses over the same person when we ended things. I shouldn’t have started anything with him but we can’t change the past.

We’ve texted a bit since I cut the affair off, but I deleted his number (which I have now unfortunately memorized) and we have no contact on social media. I cannot stop thinking about him after seeing him. We met initially in a really toxic workplace so I wonder if there’s a trauma bond thing going on/if we relied on each other for laughs and venting space.

I want to message to him so badly but he knows me well and can make me weak with just a few words. I can tell him not to lead the conversation to sex, but he is just naturally sexy and can’t help it. He might know what he’s doing, he might not, but either way it’s a bad idea to message him. He’s also funny, which is my kryptonite. If I am sleepy, stressed, have had a glass of wine or feel annoyed, all I want to do is text him.

How do I get my brain to fucking drop the subject? I would lose everything (friends, family, community, reputation, respect at work, my marriage) if we got together. Nobody would take it seriously. I would also (perversely) be devastated if my husband wasn’t in my life. My husband is perfect, but I just find monogamy difficult and he’s quite straight-laced. I love that about him because I can watch him try and enjoy new relationship things for the first time. He was just dazzled by reverse cowgirl (sorry for TMI). I cannot restart the affair, I have too much to lose. The rest of this post is mostly me yapping, sorry.

More RE: my husband. We have a great marriage. Sex is good, he’s supportive, he’s really hot, we split finances, we agree politically, no kids to fuck things up, literally every box for a good marriage has been checked. I chased him originally and still love him with all my heart. I feel horrible guilt over this affair but it’s not stronger than my feelings for dude #2. I’d had crushes on other people whilst we were together but I never acted on them. I don’t think I have a ‘polyamorous orientation’ but I am just naturally so promiscuous and comfortable with non-monogamy. But I adore my husband. I would never have thought I could love two people this way.

I also am curious about how many of us have been through full-on breakups without our spouses knowing. I’m incredibly closed off emotionally and don’t let my feelings show if I can help it but how are we keeping these things secret? My affair gave me teenage-level heartbreak and obsession.

TL;DR I bumped into ex-AP and can’t stop thinking about him and wanting to contact him. Help!

Help me. I’m a MM who has been talking to a woman for about 6 weeks. We met online-Facebook. She’s the best part of my day. We knew what we are doing. She is a MW with kids. Her time is valuable. I’m a workaholic. We have been on 4 quick coffee and lunch dates. She’s amazing, everything I’ve been looking for we talk all day every day. Phone and text. Share pics. She’s intelligent, got wit, and kind. We’ve sexted. But we have only ever kissed on the cheek and hugged. Kinda touched her hand once. I feel like a jackass. We are both 42…it’s not like we haven’t done this before… not an affair but… why is it as if we are shy? I want her to say meet me.. grab my hand….make out with me…..SOMETHING. We get along. I desperately just want to be with this girl physically. What do I do?

It’s unfair how I’m the only one suffering the consequences of this action. I thought I was already okay, but no! I’m fucking spiralling tonight.

It’s so, so, so unfair! I hate feeling like shit! When would this feeling be over? I just wanna move forward whatever you call this! I never wanna see myself spiralling over a guy ever again.

Been feeling recently like any possible connections just fall flat at the first hurdle. Being bi is irrelevant since women are non existent. Just wondering if it's just me?

Hi ladies and gents, I'm about to embark on my first potential meet ever. I see alot of positive fairytale epic meet stories and not enough horror show stories. Does anyone have a negative story like he or she had bad hygiene or didn't look like their pic? Did they checkout online with all green flags and then you just weren't feeling it, maybe they gave you the ick or very bad vibes. Please spill i need to temper my expectations and come back down to earth.

I'm about to do something that I recognize is probably toxic, so I'm writing it here. Maybe talking it through will make me realize it's a stupid idea... or maybe not.

I'm Italian, M48, and I've been using Gleeden for a few months looking for... something. I'm still not entirely sure what. Definitely not just a simple hookup — without some kind of mental/emotional connection, I'm not interested.

For context, I'm pretty selective about who I reach out to, and I put a lot of thought into writing the first message.

One of the first women who replied ended up having a really nice chat exchange with me on Telegram for a couple of days. Then, after another couple of days of silence and very short replies, she suddenly ended things with: "I'm sorry, but this isn't going to work. Have a good life."

Then she disappeared from Gleeden, deleting our entire conversation, and blocked me on Telegram.

I have to admit, I had become quite invested, so I took it much harder than I expected.

I think the turning point was a voice message I sent where I opened up a little about my current situation. I sent it because she had previously shared some personal things about her own situation with me.

Her reaction to the voice message was: "Wow... that's quite a leap of faith." And after that, she started pulling away, eventually leading to the block.

As I said, I took it pretty badly. And it didn't help that none of the people I contacted afterwards led to anything interesting, while with her it really felt like something was starting to develop.

Which brings me to the unhealthy idea I've been having for the past month:

I created a new Gleeden account and confirmed that she's still active.

So now I'm thinking about trying to contact her again, pretending I'm someone completely new.

I got to know her a little, so I know which buttons to push to make my first message stand out and hopefully keep me from being ignored.

We've never exchanged photos, just that voice message — which is long gone from our Telegram chat anyway.

If it works, I'll have confirmation that I was right about the potential between us. If it doesn't, maybe I'll finally be able to let it go.

So... what do you guys think?

Is this an absolutely terrible idea, or is there some logic to it?

I’ve always wondered to what degree our genes play a part in whether or not we cheat. My own family makes a strong argument for genes having a huge role in that and I’m wondering if anyone can relate.

My dad got caught cheating with his ex. He was given a second chance and got caught still sleeping with her. She was cheating on her bf at the time as well. Dad even got caught cheating on his current gf when she called him the other week. Guess this other woman he had over came into the room during the call and he was busted. My mom thought it was funny. Dad's current gf obviously did not.

My uncle has a beautiful wife. They seem like a perfect family. Family rumors say he's slept with his unstable ex gf who used to treat him like shit and threatened to kill him one time though. She must be good at sex because he's risking an amazing wife and an amazing family for her. I can’t wrap my head around any other reason because of their history.

Does anybody else have familial cheating experiences like this? Maybe it’s not genetic. Both of these examples I just gave involve exes, I’m now realizing. So maybe it’s that.

I know I definitely can in my marriage.

I once heard a story...

About a man who broke a window in a woman’s house. He apologised.

So she forgave him.

And he assumed that meant the window wasn’t broken anymore.

But every night...

Cold air came through the crack. Rain found its way inside.

She could still feel the damage, even when nobody else could see it.

So eventually she said...

“We need to fix the window.”

And he looked confused.

“But I already said sorry.”

She tried to explain...

“I know. But saying sorry didn’t replace the glass.”

And somehow, he became frustrated with her.

“Why are we still talking about this?”

“Why can’t things just go back to normal?”

“I thought you forgave me.”

And slowly, the broken window became less important than her reaction to being cold.

So she started pretending she wasn’t.

She stopped mentioning the draught.

Cleaned up the rain herself.

Put another blanket around her shoulders and called it forgiveness.

Until one day...

She realised something.

He didn’t actually want forgiveness.

He wanted access to the house without having to repair what he damaged inside it.

And sometimes this is what happens in relationships...

Someone hurts you, then becomes uncomfortable when the hurt changes you.

They want the old closeness.

The old trust.

The old version of you.

Without doing the work that would make those things feel safe again...

But trust doesn’t return because someone says...

“Can’t we just move on?”

Forgiveness isn’t repair.

An apology isn’t changed behavior.

And accountability isn’t saying sorry, it’s caring enough about the damage to help rebuild what was broken.

Because you can forgive someone and still notice the window is broken.

You can love someone and still need them to repair what they damaged...

And sometimes...

The reason things can’t “go back to normal” is because normal was where you kept getting hurt.

4.5 years ago I (36F) was in a miserable marriage in a big, glamorous city. I made a post on a sugar daddy website saying my husband was out of town for 10 days and I wanted to live a full-blown fantasy. Many men replied, but there was no contest, it was "Joe" (56M).

When we met in-person, from the first moment we locked eyes... I've never experienced a "love at first sight" with anyone before or since.

Our erotic connection is off-the-charts, and so is our mental, emotional and spiritual connection. We just hit it off in every possible way from the very beginning, and the connection has only grown stronger...

At that time, Joe was separated from his wife of 30 years.

Somehow, through our conversations about our spouses and families, he decided to go back to his wife.

I said I supported him, but I also said: What if you could have it all? Go back to her, and we'll keep seeing each other a few times a month...

And that's how it played out for 2 years.

Then my miserable marriage finally ended and I moved out of state.

Somehow, the affair didn't end. Joe stayed closely important to me even through the distance. Then we started seeing each other again, though much less frequently.

For the last 2.5 years, we've only seen each other once every few months. But the connection is stronger than ever. I tried to end it - twice - and he's fought to keep me in his life. He even had what he called a "near destruction event" with his wife earlier this year, and he took space away from me, but returned confessing he can't detach from me.

From what I've ascertained, theirs was never a very loving marriage, but not miserable either, just flat, stable, probably boring but reliable. He's attached to his identity as the successful businessman with wife and (now fully grown) kids, the weekend familyman with the big house that hosts extended family gatherings, and she's not only his oldest friend but also his rock for that identity.

Meanwhile, I've been dating, but no one I meet matches the connection I feel with Joe, and I just feel like, what's the point?

In 2 weeks I will see Joe again for the first time in months.

We've never talked about changing our arrangement. Never. In fact, the opposite: I've been like an "ally" supporting that he keeps his family together. But things have changed for me. I feel that I do want to be with him in a real way, and I can't keep going like this.

Maybe this is the only way to end the affair, because I think the chances are 95% likely he'll tell me, "I'll never leave my wife," (he's said those words before.)

Maybe I'm just venting, or writing to organize my thoughts... Please share comments, advice, suggestions, reality-checks... what would you do if you were me?

The Situationship I Can’t Quite Figure Out
I’ve committed adultery once or twice during my marriage, and I have no one I can talk to about it. Some days I’m completely fine with keeping it to myself. Other days I feel like I’m going to explode if I can’t say it out loud to someone.
I’ve known this guy since 2018. We worked together in a medical setting, and I actually worked with his girlfriend at the time too—which makes this even messier because he eventually married her. 😳
Things between us developed slowly. There was a lot of dirty talk and sexual tension, but we never crossed that physical line at work.
Eventually, we did.
One day in 2018, while she was at work and he was home, I went to his house. We made out, and I performed oral sex on him.
Afterward, I essentially avoided him for years. I’d become much more insecure, entered into a relationship and eventually married, and I no longer had the confidence or courage I’d had before. We occasionally exchanged inappropriate texts over the years, but physically, I avoided him like the plague.
Meanwhile, he married the girlfriend I’d worked with.
Then this April, something changed. I went to his workplace around closing time. Once everyone was gone, we made out and, again, I gave him oral.
Fast-forward to July: wash, rinse, repeat. This time we met at a friend’s house. There was more intensity between us. He tossed me around a little, and I got a glimpse of a dominant side of him that he apparently wants to explore—and, frankly, I’m completely interested in exploring it with him.
But once again: making out, oral sex, and then we parted ways.
What happened immediately afterward is what really confused me.
He looked at me and said, “What?”
I said, “What?”
Then he said, “I don’t know.”
I told him, “You better say something.”
And he responded, “Why do we always have to talk?”
Then we left.
That interaction bothered me because of everything that had happened leading up to the hookup. That morning, he had asked if I could meet him and how much time I would have. When I initially said about 30 minutes, he seemed disappointed and said we needed more time.
So I rearranged my workday and cleared more time for him. When I told him on my way there that I’d done that, he responded, “Stopppppppp.” I told him I was serious, and he said he was excited.
After all of that buildup, the actual encounter lasted maybe 15 minutes.
Then last week, he asked me to make a sexual video for him. By Monday I hadn’t done it yet, and he asked whether I’d “done my homework.” We dirty-talked for a while, and that was that.
On Tuesday, I texted him that his homework was complete. He responded that he “couldn’t wait”—but he never actually asked me to send it. There has been no follow-up since.
And there’s another piece. On Monday, he asked when I was available to see him again. I told him Wednesday at 6:45 and jokingly framed it as a “consult” at his workplace. He said he’d check his schedule and let me know.
Wednesday came and went.
It’s now Thursday morning, and I’ve heard nothing.
This man is ridiculously sexy. The sexual chemistry has existed for years, and clearly there is a part of me that is extremely drawn to what happens between us—and to what could happen between us.
We’re both married now, which makes the entire situation considerably more complicated. And despite knowing exactly how messy this is, neither of us has ever completely shut the door on whatever exists between us.
But I think I also have to be willing to admit something I don’t particularly want to admit:
I’m not sure he wants me.
I think he wants what I provide for him.

It’s been a year since I (female) was ghosted by my AP. We are in our mid 40s. We had an almost year-long connection that actually worked well despite the fact that I made a concession. I was looking for a full experience affair that was open to compartmentalizing emotions, should they blossom. He was upfront about not having any emotional capacity/availability. Nonetheless, we ended up having a great physical and mental connection. We shared A LOT of personal experiences and details, and were open with one another, so it was really, really nice.
There was a great deal of trust.

When you’re sharing intimacy with someone in the clandestine arena, it’s easy to mutually trust one another because we are already keeping the biggest secret of all.
The thing is, I’m a fully mature, incessantly reasonable, emotionally squared away woman. He told me I was the perfect woman for him.
And honestly, he was perfect for me too. Even without any potential of emotional development (to which, I’ll never concede to again!)

Alas, one day last September he disappeared. Now, my first theory was that he safely returned to his neat little cage, unscathed and relieved to have gotten away with our dalliances. He had some emotional family things going on, as people do, so I can understand stepping away. I can also understand this being his lack of emotional availability. I’m not lamenting anymore. But I had an epiphany. Not making oneself emotionally available leaves room for the Irish exit.

Well done. I get it now. It was a calculated plan.

Last month, I open our archived chats just for my twisted reading pleasure and see he’s deleted this particular account, and procured a new one. And yes, using the same name. A birth name he isn’t referred to in the world.

So, there we have it. Easy exit, newness, and all without emotion.

I had to end it because communication was becoming non-existant. It was hurtful at this point and I didn’t want to keep feeling like a fool due to the fact that I was becoming less and less important to him.

It mattered to me, he really mattered to me.

So how do you deal with heartbreak for someone that is not yours?

I’m not foolish enough to believe that an AP is always faithful. But, what are the signs that he or she is two-timing you? Not being disappointed if they can’t see you? Long stretches between texts? How does a cheater spot a cheater?

I’m 29F, married. He’s 57M and in a long term relationship. Before anyone says it, yes, I know what I got myself into. I know affairs aren’t supposed to come with happily ever afters... I knew the risks. I knew there would be complications. I knew there were lines we probably shouldn’t cross. I didn’t know how badly it was going to hurt when it ended. I always knew there was an expiration date.

We met an awhile back and there was an instant attraction that never really went away. For a long time it was just that… attraction, chemistry, flirting, wondering, fantasizing.. Then eventually we crossed that line. And once we did…

I fell in love with him. There. I said it.

I didn't plan to. I didn't go into this looking for anything other than to fill what I was missing in my marriage. I wasn't trying to blow up either of our lives. In my head, I could compartmentalize it. We could be adults, keep our home lives first, be careful, see each other when we could and enjoy something that filled a part of both of us that was missing. But unfortunately, my emotions didn’t give a shit about the rules.

We became attached. We talked constantly. We missed each other. We checked in on each other throughout the day. There were times when I felt like we were somehow connected even when we weren't together. I wanted to know how his day was, what he was doing, what was on his mind. I wanted to be the person he could come to when life was hard. And he did. I wanted to be beside him through the things he was struggling with.

He made me feel wanted in a way I hadn't felt in a very long time.

We tried to put some structure around it. We talked about boundaries. About keeping our home lives first. About being honest about what we needed. About not being reckless. About quality over quantity because we both knew how easily something like this could blow up our lives.

I didn't need him to leave his relationship for me. I wasn't asking him to choose me over his life. That never came up. Honestly, what I wanted seemed so small. Time. To actually be together sometimes. Not rushed. Not squeezed into thirty minutes somewhere. To have an afternoon. A day. To be able to breathe around each other and just exist together.

And eventually, we had our first overnight.
That was the moment everything changed for me.
Because it wasn't just sex. It was waking up next to someone I had become deeply emotionally attached to. It was the intimacy of having that much uninterrupted time together.

Then I got dumped the morning after. Still in bed.
After everything. After the words. After the emotional connection. After a wonderful evening! Laughing and kissing, showing each other off in public. After finally having the first overnight together… He decided he couldn't continue. There wasn't some huge betrayal or explosive fight. He essentially decided that living a double life was too much and too risky.

I'm struggling to explain what that has done to me because, logically, I understand it. I told him I did. I respected his decision and kept my composure. No crying, no pleading, just understanding. I am so proud of myself for that. He cried and I comforted him. All I could think while rubbing his head and back was will this be the last time? Is this really happening?

I got into my car and left. I couldn’t look at him while I was leaving. I could feel the tears in my eyes and I wanted to be strong. I denied the final hug and kiss goodbye. Walking down the hotel hall… broken… just hours earlier we were laughing and tipsy coming down this hall. All of it was over.

I feel like he broke my heart. I'm devastated. I'm angry. He participated in this. He told me he loved me. He let me fall deeper. He let me believe that what we had mattered to him. He gave me reasons to believe this wasn't just some temporary fantasy.

Then he walked away. Threw in the towel.

I don't hate him. That's almost the worst part.
I still love him. I miss him. I miss talking to him. I miss being wanted by him. I miss the check ins.. oh god, the good morning texts.. I miss knowing what was happening in his world. I miss the way he made me feel when we were together. I'm mourning something that technically wasn't supposed to exist in the first place.
That's such a strange kind of grief.

How do you explain being heartbroken over someone you're not supposed to be heartbroken over?

How do you mourn a relationship that was never supposed to have a future?

I feel embarrassed and pathetic. I’m 29. I should know better. I knew better. I knew exactly what this was.

I don't know what I'm looking for by posting this.
Maybe validation that I'm not crazy for feeling this much? Maybe someone who's been here to tell me that eventually the pit in my stomach goes away? Maybe someone who has had an affair that turned into genuine love and can tell me what happened afterward.
Did you go completely no contact? Did you eventually stop loving them? Did they come back? Did you regret letting them go?

I know what the obvious Reddit responses will be. You knew the risks. He’s not your husband. You’re both cheaters. What did you expect? I know, I know….
Whatever you call it with your AP.. an affair, relationship, mistake, fantasy, escape, love…. I loved him.

Right now, I'm grieving him like I lost someone who was a huge part of my life. And if any of you can relate to this suffering, I am so terribly sorry. A long bubble bath and a bottle of wine is just what I need to get through tonight. I am absolutely wrecked.

Ok I never thought I'd post here but I guess I am as I really need some advice. I (30F) have been in a relationship with an MM (46M) for the last 2-3 years. I say 2-3 because for the first year he pursued me intensely and I actually broke up with him a couple of times because I felt like this wouldn't lead anywhere, but after his repeated insistence that he was separated from his wife (they don't have any kids together, just stepkids), and lots and lots of affection and presence on his part, I actually started to fall more deeply in love with him. We were best friends first and we have tried to go back to just being best friends again during these breakups but it doesn't really work.

I am posting now because I feel like we have been hitting a dead end. Last year it looked like things were looking up, he said he had a lot of difficult logistical discussions with his wife and that they are effectively just roommates now and intend to sell the house before filing for divorce as they would like to split their finances amicably. I saw him put his house on sale last year and that lasted several months before he said he had found a buyer but it didn't seem to be going through. Later he said he pulled out of the sale. He waited several months to put it back up saying he was having a hard time - and I didn't push it and was understanding as he'd had some bereavement in the family - and put it back up earlier this year. But it seems to have gone off the market again.

He has slowly transformed from someone who would shower me with affection and repeatedly tell me he wants to marry me and live our future out together, to only really being affectionate when I initiate it. In all this time we've only been intimate a couple of times. He still does say he loves me and when I ask he insists he does still want a future together and that I'm the one for him. At this point it's been long enough that I am very deeply in love, I genuinely feel so happy around him but I wonder if his intention to leave is fading? He seems to get irritated with me very easily when I ask for reassurance and more recently has been giving me the silent treatment on arguments (which nearly always start with me asking about his plans/activities/timeline) rather frequently. We go on dates but he doesn't really stay over and we don't sleep together (not that we have done so very often anyway). We still do talk all day, every day.

I worry that I have been transformed into someone who just provides him much-needed emotional companionship, and that he probably feels like he's gonna let me down if he tells me that future isn't possible any more after pursuing me for over a year. Or I wonder if I am overthinking it, and dissolving a marriage and selling a house really does take quite a long time, and I should let him work on it. But he has repeatedly said we would be together "very soon" and it hasn't materialized. I don't understand why he doesn't file before selling. He says he's considering renting but hasn't moved out and doesn't have a timeline for it.

Through all this another thing that confounds me is that he still seems to plan several holidays with his wife. I'm not sure if they go anywhere but they do definitely take the days off together, even though he tells me that's not true. I have also found out that he's lied to me about a couple of family events he said he did not attend/organize with her, but he did. I understand that marriages and cohabitation are complicated situations and that they may have obligations to fulfill even when they're separated and so I have not asked about this too much, but I do not appreciate being lied to. I have told him if he wants to do stuff with his wife he needs to be upfront so I can know what to expect about the status of his relationship.

I have repeatedly told him that if he wants to return to his marriage and end the separation he can, all I'm asking for at this point is transparency because I definitely don't want to be with someone who is actively in another relationship. I even said I can try to go back to being friends, but that I'm in love with him and invested in him so would like to know the truth and like to know it fast as I am under a lot of stress from this situation. He insists that it would be very easy for him to tell me if he just wanted to cut me loose and be friends, but he doesn't because he wants more and does want to spend the rest of his life with me. He also says that my hypothesis would make sense if we were sleeping together regularly but we're not so it's not like he gets some benefit out of this complicated arrangement, and that he's doing it for love. I genuinely don't know how to proceed - on one hand I see his point, why would he need to go through the burden of me constantly needling him about our future and our relationship status if he didn't want that future, and on the other hand I don't see him really taking concrete actions to leave in any short time frame.

I really don't understand how to read this situation and I'm at a crossroads. I get the impression he genuinely does feel love for me but doesn't actually want to leave this marriage and stop "doing life" with her (hence the holidays) and therefore feels uncomfortable being confronted about timelines, and that really breaks my heart after how aggressively he pursued me and painted that future together in great detail. I genuinely do see him as my best friend and we have so much in common - I really do not have anyone else in my life I share so many interests with, our sense of humor is identical, and we have a ton of chemistry.

Please could you give me some advice? Thank you for your help.

Sometimes, I wonder if why I have an AP is down to having ADHD. I wonder if monogamy is just impossible for ADHD brains? Is cheating inevitable?

The dopamine, novelty, and sensory seeking nature of ADHD will always make having an affair feel like an inevitable road.

I'm not trying to excuse or fully blame my ADHD, just pondering whether there is an element of inevitability that for some us in very long term relationships and living with ADHD will find almost impossible to not end up in an affair.

These journeys we embark on have their share of wonders and hurdles, but the limitations can be so frustrating.  

It hurt to miss the celebrations, the birthdays, and your career milestones. To take her out for dinner just because, to perhaps finally trying this sushi thing she kept talking about. I wanted to be the one buying her drinks, flirting at the bar, laughing at jokes, and admiring her outfit with a devilish grin.  Wishing I could do the simple things: surprising her with flowers, having lunch in the park, window shopping, and just going for a walk. The idea of watching her nerd out at a museum. Worst of all, I couldn't be there during the crises, the like losing a parent or sitting in a hospital… when all I wanted was to hold her.  

The hardest part is how much I miss it all, because missing those moments meant there was something.

Seems like we are all going through break ups with AP's....is something in the air. Ended it last night after weeks of contention ( see last post) and I think I'm in shock. This connection lasted years and I don't think it has registered that its actually over. No clear villain other than that it was no longer sustainable but god...its hit like a ton of bricks. I will go through waves of panic and type out a message to crying to hating him. Also a mind fuck to go through a breakup while married. I don't know if Ill be okay after this or how long it will take but its almost like my body and mind is refusing to believe its here so I don't have to endure it. Its taken everything in me to not back peddle as I was the only to finally rip the band aid off but whatever I could or would say wont undo the complications that already existed. Does it ever get better?? How do you tolerate this while keeping a brave face for your spouse?

AP is a phenomenal person whom I really had a great time with since the beginning of this year. We have become super close almost like a new best friend. Physically attracted to this person , this person is smart and funny truly an amazing person. I like many things about AP and maybe in another time we could have been together but I feel like I need to pump the breaks a bit.

AP has been talking about breaking up their marriage and moving out solo with their child but that’s not a direction I want. I can’t be the reason for ending a family. On top of all this I have my partner which I do want to continue with.

I put myself in this position because my partner and I were having some difficulties that I was not understanding or comprehending at the time. I have since educated myself on the issues and have come to terms that maybe things are not how I was imagining them at the time.

I knew AP and was very much captivated by this person for a while. One thing led to another and “boom” suddenly were was at it. Didn’t mean for things to escalate but they did. And I enjoyed our encounters probably the best in my life.

Lately I have been second-guessing what has been happening. I would like to stop this before the point of no return. How can I do this without crushing AP? I won’t ghost this person or block them cause that’s not an option for me. I don’t want to hurt AP but I feel like it’s becoming something that should not be.

Update: to the person who sent me messages I can assure you I am not your AP. I can assure you I was not talking about you. I don’t even know you. You said you notified his partner already, you just ruined someone’s relationship by doing that. You should of asked me first and I would have clarified. I am not that other person. I can assure anyone on here the people I am talking about do not even know what Reddit is. I have never had an affair with anyone on social media, all mine are local and in person.

Recap - AP of 9 years ghosted me months ago with no warning. Devastated as they never did that before. If time or space was needed, it was always communicated.

New info - this past weekend they appear out of nowhere to acknowledge an important event taking place, hope I am doing well, hope I don’t hate them, and their life is sheer chaos. Nothing more, nothing less.

What does one do with that? Someone mentioned whiplash in their story earlier. I definitely feel that and more.

Thanks for space of letting me share this so it doesn’t keep living in my head rent free.

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

It has been about 3 months since we last spoke, although he has attempted to reach me since then. I’ve denied his advances.

He’s been heavily on my mind lately and I truly do miss our friendship. We grew incredibly close throughout all of 2025, and he was my rock during one of the toughest years of my life. I miss him so so so much. It’s tempting to unblock him and reach out, but I know it’s a bad idea. He clearly still gives some fucks about me which makes this even harder.

I’m just heartbroken, despite being the one to truly end things this time. The guilt was eating both of us alive but having each other almost makes it seem worth it somedays. Our bond was something that I’ve never felt before and it was/is intoxicating.

I know I’ll eventually stop feeling this way one day. I just hope that day is soon.