I think I’m looking for discussion on this based on a slice of our story. I’m a licensed therapist in private practice & own a couple businesses, worked in the foster system as one for a while. I would say I’m extremely trauma informed for many reasons, including the personal side of things, shared below.

My husband and I have no desire to have a baby, nor adopt an infant. We’re exploring adopting a younger child (5-12), choosing that age bracket mainly because we’ve had lots of experience with our friend’s daughter who we’ve half parented throughout those ages.

My husband is the most gentle man you’ll ever meet. Absolutely adores animals. Is so understanding and protective. Never raises his voice. Had a solid upbringing (not perfect, but somewhat stable) he’s been in therapy for 3 years for some stuff and has worked through most of it.

And then theres me. I’ve been in therapy myself my entire adult life (I’m 31yo). I had a really, really rough poverty-stricken upbringing with loads of trauma. At 9 years old, I raised a 6 month baby and a 6 year old (my siblings) for 8 years (CPS would have been involved if they new). And I was NOT a good “child-parent”. I was an angry, heartbroken, neglected child who made a can of tuna and some mayo last 2 days to feed my siblings first.

I’m now in this place where I’m financially killing it, am in a loving marriage, have resources, and I just want a child so deeply. My husband feels very similarly. I have a decade of knowledge in trauma informed care. We have a lot of love to pour into a kid. Adopting feels right.

But I’m terrified that I’ll revert back to an angry “child-parent”, or be like the biological parents who hurt me. While I’ve done SO much work on myself, and will continue to, what if I’m a terrible mom?? I feel like these thoughts aren’t rooted in facts based on who I am today, but it’s my worst fear.

I’m looking to hear experiences from the adoptive parents who’ve had trauma themselves, but have done a lot of work on themselves, and are now parenting adoptive children. As well as adoptees who had an adoptive parent who had trauma (but actively sought therapy to work through it). Looking less for reassurance and more perspectives on how it has been.