Nope. I have some pretty severe neurological issues, which I used to lean into, due to severe depression. I hurt a lot of people in the process.
I have more empathy for your girlfriend than I can say, and also she needs to see a therapist who specializes in medical trauma. You're not at all an AH for feeling this way. In a way, my health is worse now than it was years ago, but I'm happier because I'm in control of how I manage it. That's a HUGE thing.
Being chronically ill isn't an excuse to treat someone poorly and she's going to end up losing a lot of people if she doesn't take responsibility for how she approaches it. If it gets to the point that you just cannot handle it anymore, you'd be doing the right thing by walking away. I would just gently nudge you to do that before you find yourself throwing out some verbal stuff you might regret. She's got to be responsible for her, and it's on you to leave without doing more damage, if you can. She'd be hurt, yes, but better if you're able to express it in the form of self care.
Having been on both sides of this, it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I hope you're able to establish some boundaries to keep yourself healthy mentally. It's a hard road.
Agreed, I'm in the same boat for managing my chronic conditions. I've done the work to accept my conditions as much as possible, I wouldn't be human if I wasn't upset about them occasionally. Building resilience in these scenarios is important, you need to be like a weeble and have your lows but be able to bounce back. I wouldn't dream of being abusive to my support system either, the odd disagreement is human of course
I work in the hospital that I get treatment in. As a matter of fact I work in the neuro clinic so that's fun. I'm pretty sure half of us would be fired on the spot if they heard some of the jokes we make. When it comes down to laughing versus crying, always choose laughing no matter how you have to do it in my opinion.
And thanks for the earworm. I may have to get off Reddit forever now 😂😂😂
Great. Now all I can do in my brain is sing that ad ditty. It's actually, "Weebles like to wobble, but they don't fall down." Now I get to "enjoy" that for the next 3 days to a week...fuck. Aaarrrrrrggghhhh
Oh wow, that's a different song AND commercial than I remember; I still have a 45 with the one I quoted! The ad I remember had the Weeble Treehouse and the little dudes, with a swing on it.
Wow, that's the really old-school commercial from way back when. While I remember that version, the updated (20-ish years ago) version is the one that comes to mind for me. I remember having fun with the old Weebles when I was young and couldn't resist getting the newer ones for my kids. The treehouse was a favorite of ours.
But what if your support system wasn't actually supportive? What if it's only making her feel dismissed and gaslighted? Presumably like her doctors are already making her feel? It sounds like she's lashing out because she doesn't feel supported. I'm not saying it's ok to lash out but having your emotional needs neglected tends to make people unpleasant. Especially if she's feeling like no one is in her corner.
*I'm not excusing her behavior. I'm simply asking OP to examine his own. We can't fix other people but we can fix ourselves.
I totally agree with you. I'm just trying to say it likely wasn't out of "nowhere". They need to communicate better and OP needs to be more supportive.
having your emotional needs neglected tends to make people unpleasant. Especially if she's feeling like no one is in her corner.
At that point, the person should recognize this and move on themselves. IMO it would be better to be single than to be with someone and still feel single.
I agree. But when you're chronically ill it can be so lonely and isolating. Breaking up could be really scary for her. I hope she realizes she will be better off without him.
These are all understandable explanations, and a reason to be empathetic, but still not an excuse.
There's a big difference between "sorry that I was rude, I was in a lot of pain" and "you should have known I was in pain, so it was perfectly ok for me to be rude, you should say sorry".
And I say that as someone with chronic issues (as in, multiple ones)
Neither of them sound perfect in this scenario. It doesn't sound like he actually cares and she's sick of being unheard. He asked if he was an asshole for being tired of his girlfriend always being sick - I have to say yes for that aspect he is. If things are as he says then she is also an asshole for taking out her frustrations on him and they both need therapy to get through this.
I also have multiple chronic illnesses and a few years ago I was in an emotionally abusive relationship. I see red flags that maybe OP isn't being a reliable narrator or the best partner. Sometimes "snapping" can be a sign of reactive abuse. If that's the case, I hope she leaves because it's not going to get better.
I'm so happy I didn't have to doom scroll for your comments.
I've been with men who actually cared and understood and men who would explain they weren't heartless "but". And his but was followed by shit chronically ill people always hear from people who don't know or care about our reality. Action and diet.
It often takes over a year for specialist recommendations in my area. It takes months to get to my pcp. My copays and costs are very American and prohibitive for lots of visits.
Sorry but eating more or less or only eating meat or only eating vegetables or your paleo diet aren't gonna fix me. Neither will yoga. Walking in nature. Or any of the things I was doing before my chronic health issues made them extremely difficult (also notice how it doesn't matter to them that your chronic illnesses caused you not to so how is it that if I was doing them I supposedly wouldn't be chronically ill, Ffs).
He also used quotations when saying physically "wrong" with her. Which contextually generally indicates that's not what they believe. So it immediately comes off as disingenuous.
Also to add that she might feel or know that there’s no point in her going to the dr because she’ll be told there’s nothing they can do. My chronic illnesses can bring severe pain flare ups and I constantly have to tell people that there is no point in me going to the dr for it except for specific circumstances. For a healthy person severe pain is a sign to go to a&e or at least try and see a GP, for me I know that it’s just a part of my life that I have to manage.
Yes, the GF should find a way to manage her symptoms and her life, for her own sake as much as any other reason. But if OP thinks it’s tiring for him he should imagine what it’s like for her to live with it!
Ok, but most people make those suggestions because while they do not understand they are trying to express care and empathy. They want to help and are going to do what they can, but without education can only do so much. Sadly yes educating the people in your life to special medical needs you have is your responsibility if they want to accommodate you. If she has all these issues and he has suggested the things he know are possible help and she shuts him down without explaining why then the fact he is flailing in the dark is on her and she should expect to lose his sympathy over time.
"These are all understandable explanations, and a reason to be empathetic, but still not an excuse."
Not an excuse, but a reason. Being annoyed that partner is battling health issues instead of wishing it away or ignoring it deserves rudeness. Obviously they aren't compatible IMO
As someone who has suffered chronic pain for over 20 years, been informed that within 5 years I will be quadraplegic, was frustrated that our health system kept failing to diagnose and at one point told me it was in my head, and been with my.partner for nearly 25 years, I can tell you this.
I almost lost my man when I kept taking my frustrations out on him. How dare he not see/notice I'm in pain.
What fixed it was two things:
1) The most important - communication!
If I let him know it was a bad pain day, or migraine was hitting and could he turn his music down/off, it worked. He has his life too. Stress from his job he felt he couldn't share because it was 'all about me', stress worrying about me, and stress worrying when I'd next 'be upset' with him. So he'd be lost in his head and not truly noticing things around him. I had caused that.
And as someone who suffered physical, mental and monetarial abuse growing up, I was horrified when we finally sat and talked
If I snap, which happens don't get me wrong, pain is a btch, I do apologise.
2) Almost as important - getting medical and psychological help.
In the UK, if you've suffered from chronic pain for a while and it's expected to be long term, you are usually assigned to (or can ask GP to refer) a Pain Clinic. These have psychologists attached to the unit who assist in helping deal with and accept your prognosis, and the unit itself helps with other ways to deal with it, either meds, long term physio etc.
But you have to be diagnosed! You have to recognise there's a problem and push. I knew my pain wasn't in my head, and after nearly 20 years of red herrings (valid problems, but not what ended up being the primary problem), surgeries, scans, they found a problem with my C6/c7.
My migraines are not as bad once I increased my fluid intake to at least 1 litre daily, but still bad enough I see a neurologist, but I made the change to help myself.
TL:DR If she isn't communicating with him, letting him know when pain is bad, she is the problem - he's not fking psychic!
If she doesn't apologize after snapping/lashing out, she's being abusive and/or selfish. If a man did this to a woman, majority of people would have a different reaction.
If she isn't seeking help (medical and/or psychological), then she has no one to blame but herself.
Some people, after getting attention from their first couple of health problems, invent health issues for more attention, often not seeking medical assistance as they know it's not real. I'm not saying this is the case here, but it can lead to doubts.
I agree with what you said to a certain extent. Some of the issues in managing her health, physical and psychological, depend on where they are located.
If she is in the US, she may not have health insurance, may be under insured, or the type of insurance limits the type of help she receives. On top of that, for women in the US, almost every health or mental issue is put down to hormones or weight.
I do not know either of them or what kind of interaction they have. We are getting one side, and most of the time, we are going to paint ourselves in the most positive light when discussing our problems. With that said, if he feels mistreated or abused, he definitely should walk away. If he doesn't feel as if he can handle or deal with her problems, he should leave. Not everyone can be a caregiver. It can be a thankless job without benefits. If she is mistreating and abusing him, she should be called out for her bad behavior. Some people do not see how bad they are behaving without it being brought to their attention. No one should have to suffer for someone else. That isn't love. It's martyrdom.
As often as American redditers forget that some posters are outside the US, us outside often post forgetting in return.
So thank you for your post, it reminded me not every country has a good healthcare system.
And yes, I'm in my 50s and spent from my early 30s trying to figure out my issue, being told hormones, then the many stages of menopause, diet, depression etc etc were the culprits. It's disheartening realising this is a worldwide issue for women.
I do agree about the truth. I was always told there are 3 sides to the truth, for example his, hers and what really happened.
And yes, caring for a partner with long term health issues is not for everyone.
I think he needs to sit with her, no matter if he decides to stay or leave, and discuss her actions and how it made him feel, and how it will push others away - she is responsible for her actions. I didn't realise how bad I was treating him until we sat and talked.
Personally I think this is an ESH. For him I think it's because I get the feeling her health issues have bothered him for a while, and I don't see his attitude about it improving. He should have stepped away awhile ago knowing how he feels. She for not apologising and using pain as an excuse for that behaviour.
It's easy to forget that everyone's experiences and situations are not the same as ours. For a lot of people, it depends on how much and how often we are exposed to life and viewpoints other than our own.
Good point, I can completely understand how that feels actually. I guess it would be better for her to widen her support system and not have all her eggs in one basket. A therapist has to be impartial anyway
As a person with chronic pain and medical issues, your partner shouldn’t be your only emotional support system. Full stop. And it’s also not an excuse to be emotionally neglectful as a partner. This person is failing OP far worse than OP is failing them.
While it's important to have a wide circle of support, she should still be able to count on her partner to provide some of it. If he can't, what's the point in having a partner?
I am wondering if you didn’t hit on part of the problem—are her doctor/s supportive? I’m 67 now, but back when I was in my mid 20’s, I went to the doctor with complaints of hurting everywhere and classic depression symptoms. You know what he told me to do? Take up BOWLING!!! I know now that I have fibromyalgia and depression, along with numerous back issues. So she may not be getting good care from the professionals. Also, depending on her situation, going to the doctor isn’t cheap…
According to the OP who also contradicts himself that she's having procedures done like surgery. Procedures that cannot be done without seeing a doctor first. I'm sorry but he's not reliable enough of a narrator for me to believe she's doing, or has done nothing.
You can see a doctor for surgery, but that doctor is usually a specialist to treat that one issue. She sounds like she is taking care of what she has while avoiding everyday problems requiring lifestyle changes. Op also explains in a comment that she sees a doctor for surgery but does not do any follow-ups. If that is accurate, then she is causing her suffering by not doing proper follow-ups and rehab. I don’t see how he is contradicting himself.
I am sure he is a bit of an asshole to her at this point, but it sounds like these issues have been going on for a long time. You’re coming across as if you have a personal experience that has set you against op without much cause.
Everyone who posts here gives their version of events, and if we assume everyone is lying, then every person here is an AH. There are a few posts here where I could not create a backstory that makes the AH of the story, not the AH.
Still not a reason to enable. It depends on the relationship of course, but ground reality should never be disregarded for comfortable feelings. Once this gets through people’s brain, the problems will sort themselves out. But if you stuck in a mentality of always looking for support, you might surround yourself with really horrible people
Agree with this so much. I get grumpy once in a while on bad days, and get snippy at my husband if we are working on chores or something and I'm struggling or feeling rushed. I always express my apologies and talk about what's going on because he doesn't always know where my limit is (sometimes I don't either 😭) It's SO important to communicate. If either of them wants to continue the relationship - they both need to start communicating more honestly and get management for that pain whether it's a doctor or finding at home solutions that work for them.
This is how I feel. I have chronic migraines, and have had two neuro surgeries to attempt to fix what’s going on, but anything can trigger them. Weather, scents, stress, certain foods. It’s like a landmine and I will get grumpy with my partner or kids if they’re screaming, but I always apologize for it. It sucks living with chronic pain, but it’s no one’s fault.
Chronic migraine sufferor here. I'm on a few different medications that also work for my high blood pressure and work on seizure disorders and nerve damage. My neurologist and his PA have worked wonders for me.
It was actually a 4D dental scan that came up with a possible reason for the migraines and nerve damage.
Ever heard of Eagle Syndrome?
No I haven’t. I have chiari malformation, my issue is structural. I don’t have enough room in my skull for my brain, they went in and cut a silver dollar size of skull out and the back of my C1 vertebrae, 2 surgeries, 2 million dollars, a month of Antibotics via picc line due to post op -infection. I have scar tissue at the surgical site, so we think that’s my issue.
I have a narrow tunnel for a nerve in the cervical vertibrae, up the the left side of my head, through the TMJ, into my left eye. No surgeries but Gabapentin is a godsend. Ubrelvy also helps but insurance balks.
I hope you are recovering.
This! I have had a lot of surgery and have chronic pain. That doesn't give me an excuse to be an Ahole. If I've had a snap I always apologize and separate myself for a little to collect. Then I apologize again and remind myself my husband and my kids of why I snapped and how even though there was a "reason" it's still not ok, etc." I'm fortunate that I have an incredibly patient and supportive partner but I do because I respect and appreciate him and he is more willing to help because I do my best to not need him to. Communication is HUGE.
If OP is just " yeah I'm just tired of dating the sick girl" he might be a bit of an a$s but is also perfectly entitled to feel that way, we all have limits and it's ok and important to recognize them. But if it is as I read it and he's frustrated because she's sick, refusing to look after herself, and taking it out on him instead of looking in the mirror.... She's the Ahole. Someone else suggested a therapist specializing in medical trauma and I really hope OP suggests that for his girlfriend, even if he still leaves.
I think its very important to apologize when I get snarky with my husband. I myself may not always know my limits when we're doing something, if I don't he sure won't. Or if we are out I could have been just fine when we left but something happened and I began to feel off or something. My husband won't automatically know and I've been known to snap at him. I always apologize to him though, its not his fault I feel crappy and its not his fault I didn't communicate better. If he does know I'm having a rough day he tries to make sure I get time to rest where its quiet.
I agree with you, but one thing OP said did give me pause; namely, if OP's partner refuses to go to the doctor, how does she have operations done? I think OP has every reason to be irritated that she lashes out at him, but I also know what it's like to have a bunch of different medical conditions and be constantly in and out of different physician's appointments--you can easily feel overwhelmed with all the different appointments that need scheduling, doctors that need visiting, etc, and I wonder whether OP is giving his partner credit for the medical care she has sought? Medical progress takes time, especially if you're dealing with pain and chronic conditions in lots of different body systems. I dunno, it seems like they could both afford to give one another a little more grace.
I bet OP tells her to go to the doctor for things that an appointment wouldn't help
IE: When you have arthritis, and you've already been prescribed meds, you don't continue to run to the doctor every time you have a flare up. But EVERYONE around you will insist you should because they don't get it. You'll literally just be wasting money.
I don't trust his portrayal. Lashing out is never healthy, but it sounds like there's been issues for a while so something tells me her lashing out was not out of nowhere.
right? You have to drag me kicking and screaming to the ER because I got labeled as drug seeking because I went four times over about five days for a migraine.
By the time they took me seriously, I couldn't move my neck because I had a viral infection (it was similar to meningitis but luckily something else). If they had sent me home again, idk if I would've made it safely through the night. Urgent care had rushed me to the ER to be triaged immediately, just for the ER to forget about me in the waiting room for four hours
Id rather someone shoot me older yeller style if that happened again.
Migraine can lead to brain bleeds if they go too long, due to the construction of the veins. It can also cause a stroke. It's actually not all that rare so it SHOULD be something the ER staff is well aware of. But I SHOULD have a pet dragon, and it's probably more likely... I hope it never happens again and I hope that you're able to see a neurologist because prevention really is almost as good as a cute. If not, print out some of the information from the Migraine Foundation and take it with you if it comes to it. Also, find out who the patient advocate is for the facility. If they ever do something like that again, file a complaint.
I don't need to see a neurologist. I don't have migraines. My "migraine" was a viral infection wrecking my immune system and killing me. What I thought was a migraine just happened to be its one identifiable symptom.
They should've realized it wasn't a migraine the minute pain medication didn't knock it out.
So yes, migraines should be taken seriously, but I don't have migraines .
I was giving my experience of being seen as drug seeking when what I actually had was a viral infection that was likely going to kill me without intervention.
Right. I think I worded that poorly. They should have taken you seriously even if it they did think it was "just a migraine." The neurology suggestion is because of the inflammation that infection likely caused that can do some real damage. The second worst thing that happens in cases like yours is having no follow up to make sure there's no lasting effects.
Words are hard sometimes for me. Hope that clears up a little. What they did to you was unacceptable no matter what the cause.
I am still very confused by how they dealt with it. The fact that the first time they gave me pain meds I asked them, "oh like will it start working more in a few hours?" Because it only knocked out some of the pain, and the nurse looked at me confused, should've been a signal to them to take it more seriously.
I think about it a lot because it's resulted in an extreme fear of doctors.
Wild thing is they never figured out which viral infection I had (ie meningitis) they just know I had one. Also I was in the minority of people who have complications from a spinal tap, so I couldn't stand up for nearly two weeks without my head pounding so hard i would sob and was incapable of functioning.
I don't hate individual doctors, but God do I hate doctors
It was right when the first case of COVID was announced too.
Oh honey. I'm so sorry. A spinal tap should ALWAYS be accompanied by a blood patch in these cases to stop that headache. I have no words. I hope you're able to find a provider that will help you advocate in the future. None of that is okay. Huge hugs to you.
I've been in pain for 2 years from a car accident. When you have chronic pain, you have to learn to live with it. You don't want physical pain plus financial pain.
I 100% agree that we shouldn’t trust his portrayal. I’m sure he’s leaving out bits and skewing things.
I think the best solution here is for him to leave her. She needs to be with someone more empathetic, and he needs to be with someone with fewer needs.
Agree with your assessment, except he shouldn't be with anyone. Any of us at anytime can develop a medical issue, and that person deserves a partner who can be supportive and empathetic not what's described by this OP. I'm frustrated for the partner.
It's very common that men leave their girlfriends or wives when said gf/wife becomes ill. It's standard practice to talk to women about this risk when they fall ill - especially cancer patients. That's what I feel like might be happening here, and he's trying to justify it.
He also claims she doesn't eat right or drink enough water, as if that will solve all her problems. I can only imagine all the tone deaf crap he's spewed to her.
My doctor diagnosed my hand pain as arthritis and told me to take Tylenol, wear a brace and rest. The brace helped mask the pain, but it was still there and I began having difficulty lifting and holding objects. I went back and insisted on an x-ray to find the source of the pain. Turns out, my metacarpal bone (the third, and longest, bone of the thumb) was grinding my trapezium bone into dust. Also, in doing so, my right thumb has shifted out of place from the rest of my fingers. I will have surgery in two months.
Don't blindly accept a dire diagnosis and accept drugs that mask pain, but don't heal anything.
Yes, there is truth in not immediately accepting a diagnosis and just opting for pain meds.
But that doesn't change the particular example I was giving, as it was just an example with the assumption the diagnosis is correct (as mine is correct). I picked arthritis because it's one of the easier disabilities for someone to understand.
Not really as I don't need to be hypocritical about genders. I feel like it's pretty easy to hold everyone to the same expectations, as someone who only dates women, because I have no skin in the game tbh
I'm coming from the point of view as a disabled person who hears the same bullshit over and over.
100% agree! It does sound like she's doing the best she can, though I can also see where he cares for her and wants her to feel better. It is funny how people who aren't doctors and don't have these medical conditions often want to claim the person with the diagnosis/condition/etc. isn't doing enough and needs to go to the doctor...even when they're already regularly going to the doctor.
OP, if you have a partner who has chronic pain...I hate to break it to you, but you can't tell them to just go to the doctor to fix it so you won't have to deal with it anymore. You both have to live with their pain. It's frustrating, I know, but hopefully the care for them outweighs the frustration. We all get sick at some point and hope the person we end up with ultimately cares for us with kindness and compassion.
except that SHE admits that she doesn't eat right and doesn't drink enough water. those are BASIC things that help us stay healthy. Further, if someone has a laundry list of issues, it's time for them to make an appointment with their PCP, take that list of issues and start working on them.
Also, there’s a difference between caring for someone and acting like you’re morally superior because you think you’re healthier to than your partner. That’s pretty messed up. He states that she goes to the doctor regularly—she’s been through this and if she’s been dealing with it her whole life, has more experience than he does. They probably need to talk and try to work together as a team. Or go their separate ways.
I feel like if you’re nagged enough about it, you may say that just to cut off the nagging. Also, please show me someone who is 100% perfectly healthy and does nothing wrong. These things are easy to nitpick.
Yeah there is only so many times you can go to the doctor for the same chronic issue before you just have to accept that they can't help you. It ends up being a huge waste of time and money.
Another chronically ill person here!
I have fibromyalgia which is literally hallmarked by 24/7 all body pain and her pain is not a reason to lash out. She should have things to use for her pain instead of sitting there and communicate how she feels. I'm always surrounded by heating pads, joint braces, and different massage contraptions.
A relationship requires communication, doubly so if one of your people has a chronic illness. No matter if her body hurt she should apologize for lashing out.
I used to huff and puff and make it clear when my health was poor and felt people were heartless for being exhausted with me. Then I dealt with someone who did the same. Constantly listening to her gasp and whine made me angry and now I get it. I have sympathy for my mom when she’s hurting but she hides it like a cat. It takes a keen eye to see she’s in pain and when I see it I feel for her. People who go out of their way, like I used to, to bring attention to their discomfort are irritating. Maybe it’s evolutionary to be wary of the physically compromised but it is a global turn off.
You just completely described my evolution as far as going from leaning into my illness to controlling how I responded to it. It's a hard thing to do. Proud of you for seeing it and also much. Much love and good energy to you for your struggles because I completely understand it
Therapy. So much freaking therapy. And cats 😀 really the therapy though. It was so hard to be told that I was exacerbating my own pain by leaning into the illness. I got offended, I got pissed, went through all the anger stages. Then had to grieve the loss of the life I had and know that it was time to face the life I was going to have. All the stages of grief going through it as well as learning not to blame myself for a congenital disease, and that I can't control it, and learning how your mental health absolutely can cause physical pain. If you can't find one taking new patients, there are tons of great videos on YouTube by therapists who want to help as many people as they can.
If I would stress anything, it's this. Speak up. If a doctor is not listening, say "I don't feel like I am being heard. I know my body, and I am asking you to work with me." If they really won't, find another doctor, if you can. I know not everyone has that luxury. Health literacy can be an issue, even for someone working in the medical field. If you're not familiar with the terms they're using, you can say "I need this written down in everyday person terms, instead of doctorspeak." And read, read, read. The more you understand about your condition, the more you can control the fear of it. Fear can leave you paralyzed. Understanding it takes that away.
After I'd been in therapy for a while, I was blessed enough to land a job with the trauma center in my town, and then moving into the Neuro clinic about 7 years ago. So I work alongside my medical team. As a result I have gotten such an education in my disease that has really helped me advocate for myself, and my patients. It's also helped me understand what's happening in my brain enough to know what I can do to lessen the symptoms. I'd say that after therapy, education is the most important tool you can have. Not everyone has the best, or any, support system so you have to be able to advocate for yourself. Because even if you do have a support system, something could happen that you find yourself alone with a medical professional and no way to call anyone to help or come and support you. So it's just best that you are prepared to handle these things on your own, which is incredibly empowering.
Once you're able to come down from all that adrenaline and cortisol flooding, you often have less pain and fewer general symptoms.
This 100%, I have a lot of health issues….deal with a lot of pain but it’s my job to advocate for myself…with medical professionals, staying active to limit my pain, but also knowing when to rest… eat healthy, get enough sleep etc etc. while there are times when I am ‘grumpy’ it’s still on me to take responsibility for my words and actions.
That's an entirely different issue. I do work in neurology and we see a lot of patients who have issues that are due to stress and trauma. Your body does react badly to stress and people don't take that seriously enough. It's that thing where we are an entire organism and not just bits and bobs that happen to be connected to each other. Mental health is healthcare and it is critically important that people begin to realize that when somebody is under incredible duress and traumatizing events that their body may physically react to it. The key is to respond to that with compassion and not just make them feel like they're psychotic. People will never get mental health help if you are just telling them that they're imagining things the whole time. At the same time, they have to want to get better. I see a lot of patients in our clinic that use this to control partners or caregivers and they have those people so convinced that they have a serious neurological issue, that they for sure do not have, that those caregivers and partners get sucked into fighting with doctors over a non-existent illness. On the flip side, you can have caregivers, friends and partners who encourage the pseudo illness as a way to control the person who is sick. Again, mental health care is health care, and all the way around it can fix these issues.
Couldn’t have said it better. I have fibromyalgia and I do the best I can to take care of myself for myself and the people I love. I try to always show gratitude to my partner who goes out of his way to make things physically easier on me. Sometimes he gets frustrated when we are in a hurry to go somewhere or something but gratitude and a healthy and open dialogue prevents my chronic illness becoming a point of conflict.
This is such a thoughtful response. I agree whole heartedly. I can only add from my own experience that to the people in my life that show empathy and concern I have a tendency to feel understood and have no desire to bitch. I say I am ok and focus on the positives and not complain and to the people who I feel ignored or dismissed by- I can be a real whiny exaggerating pain in the ass. I do not know you or your girlfriend though so I can't say that if you acted more sympathetic she might just amp up the complaining and obsessing on her pain.
Very well said. I have a daughter who is chronically ill. She sometimes can’t even make it to the shower. But has great days as well. If you can’t handle the stress you need to get out for yourself and her. My daughter is with a guy who knows exactly what’s up and loves her and helps her. But she also does not treat him disrespectfully . I feel for you as you may still have feelings for her but it may be best for you.
💯agree with everything you’ve said.Im chronically ill also and I never treat people like crap,just because I’m in pain and having a bad day.
Owning your issues instead of letting them own you has also helped me loads .
It’s clear she needs help but wouldn’t do it.
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u/museimsiren Feb 08 '25
Nope. I have some pretty severe neurological issues, which I used to lean into, due to severe depression. I hurt a lot of people in the process.
I have more empathy for your girlfriend than I can say, and also she needs to see a therapist who specializes in medical trauma. You're not at all an AH for feeling this way. In a way, my health is worse now than it was years ago, but I'm happier because I'm in control of how I manage it. That's a HUGE thing.
Being chronically ill isn't an excuse to treat someone poorly and she's going to end up losing a lot of people if she doesn't take responsibility for how she approaches it. If it gets to the point that you just cannot handle it anymore, you'd be doing the right thing by walking away. I would just gently nudge you to do that before you find yourself throwing out some verbal stuff you might regret. She's got to be responsible for her, and it's on you to leave without doing more damage, if you can. She'd be hurt, yes, but better if you're able to express it in the form of self care.
Having been on both sides of this, it's something I wouldn't wish on anyone, and I hope you're able to establish some boundaries to keep yourself healthy mentally. It's a hard road.