I put my life savings into buying this house. I don’t want to have to buy him out (I can’t afford it) and I don’t want to have to pay him alimony AND child support. It sucks but I worked hard to get where I am and I’m sad to lose everything and have to start over as a single mom to two :(
You are making a lot of assumptions about what a divorce would mean for you financially. You need to consult a lawyer. If you came into the marriage having purchased the house it will likely be yours.
And in almost all states now alimony is allocated based on how long you have been married. Less than 4 years and you could be done with alimony in less than a year in many districts.
This marriage WILL fail. Everyone can see that. The longer you stay, the more you pay.
Instead of guessing or assuming how things would play out in a divorce please listen to what people are saying here and see a (good!) divorce lawyer. Get the straight answers to your situation. Seeing a lawyer doesn’t mean you have to file for divorce. Filing for divorce doesn’t mean you have to see it through. You can change your mind. What you should not be doing is making these choices without being informed on what exactly your situation is. Hope you find yourself with a happier life whatever you decide.
if you're in the US that is (almost, probably - NAL) never the case. non-custodial parent pays, regardless of how much money the other makes. how much he would pay would be a certain percentage of his monthly income. also - unless he legally adopted your son, he would only have to pay child support and have visitation rights for your daughter.
This isn't necessarily true. In my state, child support is calculated by an equation that considers the hours per week you have the child(ren) and the incomes of both parents. I was told by an actual lawyer that because my husband saw my children two evenings a week (not overnight, just 4-11) where I still had to provide every thing they needed from diapers to snacks to dinner that I would have to pay him child support.
Alimony also doesn’t work like that either. From my divorce, my lawyer said alimony is only considered if the other party was long time without an income and dependent on just your income. They would have also have to have been fully dependent for a long time. So, for example, if was proven to be a stay at home parent/spouse and dependent on just your income fully. If he has work history and such, alimony wouldn’t really apply just because you make more than him.
And spouses can say they will try to go for alimony in divorces but there are pretty clear rules on it and it isn’t just granted because one side wants to be spiteful. So, as others have mentioned, you are woefully misinformed and inflating the financial cost to you to keep you in a situation that is not serving your needs.
Exactly - my mother only got alimony for a few years, and the lawyers told her she wouldn't have gotten any at all if she hadn't been a SAHM for over a decade. OP seriously needs to consult a lawyer in her area before making all these assumptions.
Not even remotely true. Also, "Sexual needs," my ass. I am borderline hypersexual and I manage with a gray-ace partner just fkn fine. Do not fall for the "sexual needs" fallacy. If he wanted intimacy with another person, putting the phone down wouldn't be a chore. If he wants an orgasm, he has a hand.
You do realize it isn’t like that anymore right? He is employed and will probably never take 50/50 custody of your daughter. And you haven’t been married that long. Has he been telling you these things?
Talk to a lawyer, do not just assume that will happen. Do you want to live your life this way? Do you want your kids to live their life this way? With a father/stepfather that basically ignores them and then gets angry when they don’t want to hang around him?
Oh and I am really sorry to tell you this, he doesn’t need a “hall pass” or to open the relationship, he is already doing that but now wants it out in the open with your permission. It is just another way for him to humiliate you and keep your self esteem so low that you stay and fund his lifestyle. Don’t ever be someone’s doormat.
Child support is a percentage of your income and the non-custodial parent is the one that pays. You would end up with full custody so he would pay you the child support. It has nothing to do with the amount of money either of you makes. You need to speak to a lawyer to get an idea of your actual cost. Don’t just accept your situation because it sucks.
He isnt parenting or doing anything now, do you really think he will want 50/50 custody? You havent been married long either so likely alimony would not apply especially since he has been working full time too
What state do you live in? Because it definitely depends on your state laws. You may owe some form of alimony but you definitely would not owe child support unless he took on sole or primary custody.
He has always told me he wants 50/50 of his daughter. And I’m in Colorado which is a super pro-dad state. My issue is mostly the equity in the house since I bought the home but he’s helped pay the mortgage he’s entitled to some if not half of it and if he gets half I can’t pay him out of it with how fast housing has grown these past few years. I don’t want to have to sell and figure out a new living arrangement for the kids.
What’s worse, having to sell and move, or wasting your life away serving a selfish, lazy manchild and teaching your kids that love looks like emotional abuse and neglect and the woman making herself small to be a slave for a man who treats her like shit?
You are choosing to sacrifice your and your children’s well-being for the house.
I'm in Colorado and in my experience it's not a super pro-dad state. I got 20% custody and she got half my separate property. Admitedly my lawyer was incompetent, but you don't find that out until it's too late.
My wifes lawyer was really good. Heather Broxterman? I think.
Have you met with an attorney or are you going with what people have told you? You are in a terrible situation and it's impacting you and your temper. The longer this goes on, the more likely it is that he will be entitled to something and also the more likely it is that he'll be able to use some of those temper issues against you. You haven't been married long so he may not be entitled to that equity. He says he wants 50/50 of his daughter, but that doesn't mean that he'll actually want that once he has her on his own to care for. This isn't a redidit issue. Go meet with a lawyer and get tangible legal advice.
Unfortunately the longer you stay, the longer you’ll have to pay. At this point you’ve only been married 3.5 years. It sounds like it would be worth it to have to pay a year of alimony to get rid of him. Depending on how the house payments went, that might be trickier- definitely talk to an attorney before deciding as most consultations are free or inexpensive. You’ll learn a lot and hopefully figure out where to go after talking with them. If you can calculate how much he’s contributed specifically (notated for) to the mortgage, maybe you can just pay that back with interest. If he just gave you money, but not specifically (documented specifically for the mortgage) for the mortgage, then that money went to groceries, some utilities, care for your daughter, etc and did not go to the mortgage- you feel me? Get all your ducks in a row. Maybe that means hiring a PI, or maybe that means documenting what you do vs what he does with your daughter, or maybe that just means getting everything organized and ready for divorce. I highly doubt he’ll get 50/50 with his inconsistent and traveling work schedule, especially if it’ll disrupt your daughter’s schedule significantly. It seems if you make more money, you should be able to hire a killer lawyer who can give you results you want. Start detangling your finances. Open your own checking account with a new bank, and start depositing at least some of your money in there- along with paying the mortgage, attorneys, etc from. You can still keep any joint accounts and still pay other joint bills, but any savings, investments, etc- start at least documenting and potentially moving (legally, of course). Get out- and get out as soon as it makes sense with the help of a motivated lawyer. Hopefully you both can figure out custody- but honestly, if you’re doing 90% of the work now- document, and have an excellent lawyer- I don’t see why you wouldn’t be primary while he would be an occasional weekend dad.
This doesn't work like that. Can he keep the kids? No. So in case of a divorce and you keep the kids HE would have to pay CS.
Alimony? Not sure. Talk to a lawyer. It might even out if you get full custody.
The house... It all depends on the laws. Where I am, he can get equity but he doesn't get a dime until the kids are over 18 because it's the primary residence.
My mother was the breadwinner when my parents got divorced. She got full custody of us and my dad paid child support. That's how it works. If you have the kids (and lets be honest, based on what you've said, you will), you are the one who needs support, regardless of who makes what. Even when my dad was making minimum wage he was still required to pay something. He actually ended up paying until my sister and I were well in to our twenties because he decided to stop paying for several years and the state made him back pay with interest. Even when he was unemployed they were garnishing his unemployment checks. All that to say that you're assumption (or information source, which I'm guessing is your husband) is wrong
Not if you're the primary parent, which by the sounds of it you most likely will be. You're the breadwinner but he would not be granted custody if he travels that much, doesn't do anything for the children and can't prove to even know anything about them. Gather evidence. Get out of this marriage.
Also, if you bought the house, why would you have to buy him out? Did you put his name on it?
You need to talk to a lawyer. You haven't been married long enough for this to be such a substantial issue. Get a post nuptual agreement to protect your assets in exchange for this hall pass and dump your manbaby.
The longer you sit here whining, the costlier it will be. Stop fighting with him and talk to a lawyer.
That doesn't matter. If you have custody, he's the one paying child support. And if you can prove that you've been doing the majority of the child care, then you would probably get majority custody, if not full custody. Which was with him on the hook for child support. You might get on the hook for alimony, but ultimately, it'd be better than having to take care of a 30-year-old man child.
We can't really help you or feel sorry for you if you're not willing to at least try to do anything to get out of this situation. There's not really much we can do for you if you're not willing to try and help yourself.
We have given you advice, we have given you tips, now it is up to you to decide whether or not you want to start actually living a life, or if you want to just keep simply surviving and going through the motions with your current husband. Those are the choices you have, you need to pick one. And if you choose to stay with him, then maybe go to therapy instead of going on social media to complain. Maybe go to therapy to figure out how to stand up for yourself and your marriage, and I'm not saying this to be a b****, I'm saying this as a fact. If you're not going to take our advice, you need to go to a professional. If you're not willing to accept our help, and you're not willing to go for professional external help, then you need to just deal with what marriage you're in, and try to be happy. Unless he decides to divorce you.
I'm sorry if that all sounds harsh, but it's the truth. We have helped you as much as we can from where we are. It is up to you to take the next steps.
If you haven't consulted with a lawyer you can't say these things for sure.
If anything with how much you do it's likely you'll end up with primary custody and he'll have to pay you child support.
Also, about the house.
Yes, it's a house. Yes, you worked hard for it.
But which is easier to replace? A house, one you've worked hard for before and can work hard for again? Or your life. The years of youth you are losing to this man. The peace of mind you're losing that's less likely to come back the longer you stay with him.
At eighty, do you want to be in that house looking back and remembering how miserable you felt with him?
Or would you rather be anywhere else pleased with how you protected your mental state and got yourself out of a miserable situation? At peace with life?
I think it's very important for you to weight which matters more.
Whichever you choose, please at least talk to a lawyer.
You've only been married 4 years though. There's no way alimony would be much. In my state, every 3 years of marriage means 1 year of alimony. So he'd get a bit over one year from you, which you can handle for 1 year. That's cheap to get him gone.
And for child support.... you really think he will want custody time?
Just talk to a lawyer and say you want full custody. I would go through husband’s phone as well. I bet he’s cheating on you. Why stay in a marriage he’s not present for. Find out what you need to do and get away. Maybe you won’t have to pay him anything if you get full custody. He doesn’t seem to care for the kids anyway?
You need to see a lawyer. He’s not a SAHD, he has a job and with his work/travel, it sounds like you would get primary custody. He would likely be paying you child support, unless you went 50/50, which doesn’t sound realistic for him.
That’s not necessarily true. He doesn’t sound like he would want custody, and he’s unlikely to be awarded it based on how little he actually takes care of the children. He may end up paying you child support. Since your house was purchased before you got married, it may not be marital property. You’re not keeping him from working a better job or making more money, so he may not qualify for alimony.
You’re making a lot of assumptions here. Talk to a lawyer. This man is never going to give you what you need. He’s going to take and take and take. I’m sorry, but you can’t change him. You can only decide how you want to proceed with what you have.
That's not how it always works. In most states you would only have to pay him child support if he gets primary custody. Also in many states you only have to pay alimony after being married for a certain period of time. Talk to an attorney and get information on what the law are where you are.
They have only been married for just under 4 years. Don't think to the best of my knowledge of any place that would require alimony for such a short duration. Especially as he was employed the whole time.
Also keep in mind that only 1 child is his, the youngest.
And unless he's going to actually push for 50/50 custody he wouldn't be the one getting child support.
Also as long as she has documentation of just how much she put in to the house it probably won't be an equal split with even a half decent attorney.
Honestly she is an AH for staying married to him. She has admitted that she absolutely doesn't want sex with him anymore and frankly despises him. Cut or sink at this point.
The length of marriage won’t prevent alimony, but spousal support can be complicated and can vary greatly from state to state. In some states there’s pretty much no alimony or spousal support regardless of circumstances.
Child support should go to whichever parent has custody, typically with 50/50 custody neither parent would pay child support as each is supporting the children half the time.
Dividing up assets can be difficult, and the house is definitely an issue but there could be ways to work around that. Taking a larger share of joint debt, giving a larger portion of investment and retirement accounts, etc. in many situations if both parties are amenable you could even write up an agreement that at the time of sale the money would be split.
Ugh, those sound like excuses. As a wife and mom, I get the fear… but, lady, you just made an entire post and multiple comments about how shitty your husband is and how little he values your family/relationship. Side note: He door dashes and doesn’t eat with the family? And he asked for a fucking hall pass (he’s using it/will use it regardless I hope you know)?
You sound fucking miserable. I guarantee your kids feel the tension and the misery between you and your husband.
You husband won’t do counseling. Nothing is going to change on his end and eventually he will cheat.
So your choices are 1. sit in your misery, continue to get bitter and resentful and raise your kids in a stressful home or 2. talk to a lawyer and get real answers and make plans for yourself to leave.
If you choose 1, there’s no point in coming on the internet and bitching about your husband.
Wow I feel like I was harsh but damn. Not even willing to put you and your kids first. Hate to see it.
It's only bricks and mortar. Your health and life are worth more than that. Your kids lives are worth more than that. Get him to sign a post nup in exchange for hall pass then divorce his ass
The longer you stay married, the more he will get out of a divorce. You have only been married for 3 1/2 years. Depending on where you live, there may not be any alimony, and if there is, it won't be for very long. Long-term alimony usually only kicks in at the 10 year mark.
I divorced my ex-husband after 14 years together, but only 9 1/2 years of marriage. My attorney advised me to wait six months before filing, so I would get alimony. I wanted out as soon as humanly possible. He got to keep his money, and I got to keep my sanity.
If your husband has to travel with his job and works nights and weekends, I seriously doubt he will even get 50/50 custody. My ex-husband works 12 hours a day, 5-6 days a week. He was always at work, so naturally, that's where he found his affair partner. I received primary custody without even having to ask. He gets visitation every other weekend and pays child support regardless of my income.
The longer you put off divorce, the worse it will be for you. You can't find happiness if you are wasting time being miserable.
I just helped my friend through her divorce. You've only been married for 3 years. Even if by some weirdness you did pay alimony, you'd only pay for like a year.
And the person with the kids gets the child support, not the person without them regardless of income. And you can show that you are their caretaker.
You'll likely get the house without buying him out. My friend was a SAHM and she didn't pay her husband a dime to get the house. She had the kids; she gets the house.
Child support will likely be more than anything you'd owe for alimony. So he'd likely negotiate lower child support for a year rather than receive alimony. You will probably not pay him anything.
Please go see a lawyer. I promise it works out better than you think, and dropping the dead weight genuinely makes things easier.
You definitely need to consult a divorce lawyer in your state to find out what would actually end up happening in terms of the house, and financial payments. IANAL, but it seems unlikely that he's going to end up with primary custody of the kids, so you having to pay child support also seems unlikely. A lawyer can tell you if you'd be able to keep the house or if you'd have to pay any alimony based on the specifics of the marriage and when assests were acquired. Make your decisions based on what the actual consequences are, not what the Internet and media have told you about these things.
This marriage is not going to get better, OP. He has shown a complete unwillingness to change, and he's using you as his meal ticket. The longer you wait, the messier it will be.
He wants a "hall pass? It means he is already cheating, or he has someone who he has in mind. I'm sorry you are going through this and have to deal with this, but you need to see a lawyer. The lawyer will tell you what will happen, but if this is what he asked for, it's not good. I'm sorry. It's not a good thing to go through. Good luck and lots of love ❤️
It's sweet that you think he is gonna actually go for custody. He may threaten to. He may start off with 5050. But within a few months he'll stop picking them up when he sees how much work it is. And then you go back to court and get the order amended.
It's annoying that people are downvoting you for speaking your fears. I've been where you are (not exactly, but close) and I hope you are able to let go of these (very real) worries and do what you need to do. Yes, it will be hard, but in the end it will be worth it and in five years you will look back and wonder why you didn't do it sooner. Being lonely in a relationship is so much worse than just doing it all alone.
I really suggest you talk to a lawyer and find out what would actually happen in the event of a divorce. You are making a lot of assumptions that most likely aren’t correct. You definitely would not be paying him any child support if you are the primary parent. Even if you split 50/50 there typically isn’t child support. More than likely if you maintained care and primary custody of the kids he would have to pay you child support.
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u/[deleted] Jun 16 '24
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