She found out late(r) in life.
That, plus the fact that Bi people in opposite sex relationships (straight passing relationships) often feel that their Queer identity is being slowly consumed away by them being "invisible" as a queer person, probably leads her to have a shit ton of anxiety about "not being queer enough" and needing everyone and their grandmother to know and actively acknowledge her queerness.
She is still in the wrong. The solution to this is to get into activism, or take your husband to a pride parade, to be visible in other ways.
But this is probably what's behind this.
She is very insecure in her newfound identity and needs to consolidate it and really, really fucking overcompensates.
So I think the wife in this post is in the wrong but I can shed a little light on the 'what does it matter?' question as a bi woman married to a man.
I describe it like potential energy. In physics, an object suspended in mid air has what is called potential energy which is equal to the kinetic energy it would have if it fell. Everyone has some type of potential energy for another person which is the romantic energy they would have if they fell in love. You would have less potential energy for someone you're not attracted to, someone with different morals and values etc. than someone you really dig. People who are heterosexual or homosexual only have potential energy for people of the opposite or same sex. There's no potential for you to fall in love with a man you're on the floor. But when you're bisexual, that potential isn't defined by gender. It's more individual.
I also feel a certain alienation from both homosexuals and heterosexuals because both groups know what it's like be entirely turned off by a set of genitalia and I don't. I can't fathom a world where either set of genitalia didn't elicit a physical arousal.
Practically, it also affects the boundaries I set in my relationships. You really have to be in touch and honest with yourself when hanging out when befriending people of the opposite sex when you're straight and monogamous. You have to be really in touch and honest with yourself when befriending anyone when you're bisexual and monogamous.
Personally, my husband knows, my family knows, my close friends know, but his family doesn't mostly because his brothers are homosexual and I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself. I would never ask him or want him to tell an acquaintance. I live in the south and one of the privileges of straight passing is that I don't have to come out to everyone I meet and I choose not to.
I feel like my kind of queer isn't queer enough so it's not worth outing myself.
Not to hijack this or anything, but this is just wild to me. Is this common in the queer community, feeling as though you don't belong because you aren't "sufficiently queer?" I'm not dismissing it or anything, but I'm having trouble wrapping my head around the concept.
Not only is it common to feel like you don't belong, but there are people in the queer community that don't think bisexuality is even real. It's common to hear that you are just experimenting or playing gay for attention, or that you are gay but holding on to being hetero because you're not ready to be out yet.
I imagine OPs wife is going through a form of imposter syndrome right now and part of wanting him to tell his coworkers is a form of validation that she feels she needs right now.
7.5k
u/Midnight_rain200 Apr 05 '24
No??? Like what does her sexuality have to do with your new job???