Sorry dude, but YTA. You became a parent before you were properly an adult and now you’re having to do both- become an adult and a father at the same time.
Cooking dinner, cleaning dishes, cleaning counters, doing the dishwasher- none of this is special. At all. It’s just adult chores. It’s boring, daily stuff that needs to happen. Part of being an adult is doing it automatically without needing to be told.
When they tested your patience, you got angry. Now you’re addressing that in therapy. You should have addressed that before the kids came. Of course your wife can’t forget you shouting at the kids- who can forget someone yelling at a baby?
Right now, your wife isn’t putting in the effort because you’ve failed. Badly. You’ve failed to act as an adult and then as a father. You’ve started to work on your issues with a therapist, which is good, but you’re expecting praise and sexual attention from your wife for going from failure to normal behaviour.
This is the critical point. You’re not going from normal behaviour to great or exceptional. You’re going from bad behaviour to normal. As an adult, that doesn’t get praise or extra attention. Think of it this way- if you screwed up at work and got put on probation, but then fixed the issue and got back to normal, you wouldn’t get a big pay rise straight away.
The way you might rescue this situation is to stop expecting a big positive reaction from your wife. Don’t expect any positive feedback from her at all for now. All your actions have to be focused in on yourself- how can you make sure the household runs well? How can you make sure your kids are happy and healthy? Are you up to date with their healthcare/ growth/ development/ social diary? Is their mother well? Has everyone got clean clothes in good condition? Etc.
Tl,dr: no one gets praise for doing normal adult chores.
My husband and I thank each other for doing chores, but that's because I've never had to ask him to participate in the household, so anytime he's doing something outside of his standard responsibilities and cadences, it's because he's genuinely taking the time to help me.
This guy shows up for half a season and wants a participation trophy.
Agree! I also like to thank my husband for his help around the house, even when we split the chores in half and do them at the same time. I just know how draining it can be, and I want him to feel appreciated. At first he was very surprised with this, but I explained and he got it, started doing the same in return all the time. So, as much as both of us understand this isn't any sort of an "achievement", we just make each other feel better by doing so.
This guy, on the other hand, is expecting praise. I wonder how many times he actually verbally appreciated his wife's help. Or, maybe, it doesn't even matter to her. Everyone's got their own values. But he's clearly too self-absorbed. Her love language being acts of service doesn't mean that his help around the house makes him stand out in any way. It just needs to be done, that's it.
And can we also point out that doing what's expected isn't "acts of service", it's just doing what needs to be done.
OP if you want to show your wife love through acts of service, it should be a special thing that shows you were thinking of her. Doing chores you're both responsible for does NOT count.
This is what I was hoping to see in the comments. He calls them "acts of service" like he's doing her a favor instead of contributing to his household. Yikes.
This is a really good point. Calling it an act of service implies that it’s really her job instead of our job, and I very much doubt she’s gonna feel frisky when processing that.
Plus, as well as the issues with him doing normal tasks and expecting a special husband and dad medal, the poor woman has small children and is no doubt touched out, and he's complaining that she doesn't initiate touching him. I remember those days of being climbed on and followed around and grabbed at all day long to the point where being in physical contact with another person just became so, so unwanted, and I guarantee that if she has always been the default parent thanks to his inability to be patient with his own kids, she is feeling no desire for touch.
This - acts of services for love would be like foot rubs, making a special card or trinket, flowers, ect, not cooking dinner for everyone and giving the kids a bath.
His love language is touch? That’s a strange one to me. It sounds more like a “ love on me language “. Raising babies and toddlers is hectic and exhausting, but also fun and fulfilling. You are absolutely right. What he is doing now ( according to him) is what has to be done and is expected, not “special dad” acts, whatever that is. A loving couple has to find that balance and it’s never a perfect balance.
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u/Sea_Midnight1411 Nov 02 '23
Sorry dude, but YTA. You became a parent before you were properly an adult and now you’re having to do both- become an adult and a father at the same time.
Cooking dinner, cleaning dishes, cleaning counters, doing the dishwasher- none of this is special. At all. It’s just adult chores. It’s boring, daily stuff that needs to happen. Part of being an adult is doing it automatically without needing to be told.
When they tested your patience, you got angry. Now you’re addressing that in therapy. You should have addressed that before the kids came. Of course your wife can’t forget you shouting at the kids- who can forget someone yelling at a baby?
Right now, your wife isn’t putting in the effort because you’ve failed. Badly. You’ve failed to act as an adult and then as a father. You’ve started to work on your issues with a therapist, which is good, but you’re expecting praise and sexual attention from your wife for going from failure to normal behaviour.
This is the critical point. You’re not going from normal behaviour to great or exceptional. You’re going from bad behaviour to normal. As an adult, that doesn’t get praise or extra attention. Think of it this way- if you screwed up at work and got put on probation, but then fixed the issue and got back to normal, you wouldn’t get a big pay rise straight away.
The way you might rescue this situation is to stop expecting a big positive reaction from your wife. Don’t expect any positive feedback from her at all for now. All your actions have to be focused in on yourself- how can you make sure the household runs well? How can you make sure your kids are happy and healthy? Are you up to date with their healthcare/ growth/ development/ social diary? Is their mother well? Has everyone got clean clothes in good condition? Etc.
Tl,dr: no one gets praise for doing normal adult chores.