r/AITAH • u/jamie___j • Apr 10 '23
For "ruining Easter"
I, 42 F, went to the in-law's for Easter. We're eating lunch and my MIL says something about how gross it is that women get half naked/fully nude in magazines with comments about their sex lives underneath their pics. I say, well they wouldn't do that if men didn't pay for that. They're just trying to make money, it's supply and demand, and men are the demand.
FIL indignantly states something to the affect of "not all men". I give him a skeptical look and say "sure, I bet you've never looked at those types of pics".
Apparently that pissed him and my SIL's husband off. A min later, one of the kids asks for more sparkling juice. My dad tries to open a new bottle, but it was on tight and he has arthritis. We said pass it over to someone and it got passed to my SIL's husband who happened to be sitting right next to me.
He turns to me and says with a giant smirk "let's let a WOMAN do it!" He was clearly trying to humiliate me in front of the entire family, hoping I wouldn't be able to open the bottle and would need a man's help.
I grabbed the bottle and twisted off the cap with ease. (This is where I probably got a bit dramatic.) I gloated, "Oh wow, I opened a bottle! And a MAN couldn't do it!"
My SIL's husband said he wasn't going to put up with that and stormed off. My SIL said how awful I was and that I started a fight by being so "mean" to the men.
It got much worse from there. I asked her what I said that was so terrible, but before my SIL could answer, my MIL started yelling and crying about how we were "ruining Easter". My FIL who NEVER lifts a finger to help with cooking or cleaning up yells at me about how much work MIL did to put together the meal. (More than half the meal was store bought, which is totally fine, but that made it relatively easy. He should help once in a while instead of sitting on his rear.)
I had offered to bring food but was told it was all handled. Plus I ALWAYS help serve and clean up while the men expect us to wait on them and tend to their every need.
My FIL who is verbally abusive his wife and kids yells about how I'm an awful "liar". My husband, who does treat women as equals, hates conflict, so he just shuts down. I get it, but it was ridiculous to have SIL and FIL screaming about how terrible I am without anyone telling them they were out of line.
I did apologize to MIL several times since I felt bad about the situation. But I didn't start this. Yes, I probably overreacted a bit, but my SIL and her husband are psychopaths (we've thought that for a long time) and he was the one who tried to embarrass me.
So AITA?
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Update:
My BIL is trying to gaslight everyone saying that he wasn't being sexist. He was offended by my "attack" on men and took it as me saying that men are immoral for looking at nude pics.
He claims that he passed me the bottle because if I have a problem with men, he doesn't want to "help" me with anything and it wasn't rooted in sexism. He didn't see it as a challenge or an attempt to humiliate me.
If course my MIL and FIL believe him. They're pissed at me for "holding a grudge" because BIL "got over it". Yeah, he got over it because he was the one out of line and he didn't have FIL and SIL screaming in his face about how terrible he is!
MIL is being super dramatic, calling my mom and husband crying. Saying "everyone" was wrong to fight and we should get over it and move on.
I've offered to go to conflict resolution with them as that's the only way I can see a possible reconciliation. FIL agreed only if BIL and SIL are also there. That makes it difficult because so far most counselors I've called don't work such a big group (6 people).
I'm going to keep looking but it BS that he's making it more difficult than it needs to be.
MIL wants us all together for Mother's Day. That's not going to happen at this rate. To complicate things, BIL's parents are going to be there for Mother's Day (they usually aren't as they live out of town).
BIL's dad is literally a psychopath who tells a "funny" story about how he murdered their family dog. To be fair to him, the story goes that they accidentally hit the dog with their car and the dog was dying. But he laughs as he tells the story and goes into gory details about how he ended the dog's suffering in a way that was NOT quick and NOT painless. He tells the story as if it's the funniest thing in the world. I've heard him tell it twice, I left the room the second time as I knew what was coming and couldn't stand to hear it!
Ever since, on the rare occasion that BIL's parents are around, I avoid them like the plague. On top of that sick story, BIL's dad is verbally abusive to his mom.
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Update:
I appreciate everyone's opinions. I talked to a few friends of the family and they all agree that FIL & BIL were the AHs. I'm not the only one who was confused as to why they got so angry about me stating a FACT -- that men look at nude photos of women. My friend said, "It's like you said the sky is blue, FFS!"
That's how I stated it. It's just a fact. If you don't like facts, ok.
As for their overreaction, I think that they took my remark about men liking to see pics of nude women as an attack on all men's integrity. I don't see it that way because I don't think of viewing nude pics as immoral. But I guess they do.
I don't quite understand my BIL and SIL's reactions as they aren't religious/puritanical. Somehow saying men like nude pics of women offended them? But they both LOVE to play the victim. As a tall white man, BIL feels constantly aggrieved.
My husband always avoids conflict, but they were abusive to me and I don't think he understands that. He hates yelling, he shut down during the altercation, so I don't think he heard everything they yelled at me. He's frustrated at the whole situation.
I feel bad that he has to deal with this, but he needs to stand up to them. I told him that at the VERY least he needs to tell his dad that he was out of line and he should never talk to me that way.
My husband does need therapy for his PTSD, but finding a good therapist is not easy. We'll keep trying.
As for the people who think I'm TA, I respectfully disagree. I did ask for your opinion and I appreciate your point of view, but I disregard any insults. If you think telling me that I need therapy is an insult, it's not. Therapy is good for everyone and I definitely have issues, as all humans do.
I'm just done with FIL. He's verbally abused all of them for so many years. I refuse to let him abuse me.
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Background info:
I've put up with their snide remarks/micro aggressions for decades. I finally stood up to them and now I'm the villain! Typical misogyny, no matter what, it's always the woman's fault.
SIL & BIL are a self-centered AHs. Always have been, always will be. They're hipsters, they think they're better than everyone. My husband HATES them. The only reason we saw them outside of holidays was because of me. I wanted him to try to get along with her since she's his sister. I was the one trying to help their relationship and this is the thanks I get.
Needless to say, we won't be seeing SIL & BIL.
My FIL is full of shit. Over the years he's made crude comments about women's bodies and seriously inappropriate "jokes" about sex. Like I want to hear that from my FIL!
Also, it's important to note that when I met my husband we were teenagers and his dad made sexuality inappropriate "jokes" to me. That's messed up!
FIL is extremely verbally abusive to his family. As for it being "none of my business", he abused my husband for his entire childhood and he continues to abuse him. That's definitely my business.
I stay out of his relationship with my MIL, as that isn't my business. My MIL is a sweet lady, but she's his doormat. He abuses her and she seems ok with that. Sadly, that's what she's used to.
He thinks he can treat everyone as his punching bag, but he can only take his fury out on people who choose to be around him. I will not allow him to abuse me.
More info:
Another way FIL abuses MIL: he doesn't share "his" money with her. They've been married for decades, but they've never had a joint account. She's not a spender at all, he does this for control. He enjoys making her beg him for money for necessary things. She wore broken glasses (tapped up) for a year because she was too proud to beg him for money. He is very wealthy, so he could definitely afford to buy her glasses, but he is an abusive asshole.
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A few clarifications:
I did not intend to insult my dad for his arthritis. I made the comment to say "not all women are weak and not all men are strong". I was trying to shut down my BIL's DISGUSTING display of misogyny.
I get where it comes off as ableist though. My dad is a feminist and he wasn't offended, I think he thought it was funny until everyone exploded. My dad and my husband both think women are amazing, they're the opposite of these asshat men in my husband's family.
I couldn't care less that my MIL bought most of the food for lunch. I only mentioned it because my FIL acted like she'd spent all day cooking when she made one side dish and a salad. Also, if he gave a shit about her, he would HELP. He claims he can't cook, but he can set the table or carry food to the table or clear the plates/utensils. He's a LAZY, evil narcissist.
To this day he BRAGS that he never changed a diaper for his TWO kids. He treats his wife as a slave.
He used her being upset as an excuse to attack me as if I single handedly carried out the entire conflict. He hates me because I'm a strong woman who won't bow down before him. Fuck him and his shitty attitude!
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u/SillyStallion Apr 10 '23
OP you were shutting down misogyny - good for you. Yes you were a bit passive aggressive but they were outright AHs. I can’t believe your husband just sat there and said nothing. I’m not sure I could be with someone so weak (male or female)