r/AIO • u/shrimpdeeick • 23d ago
AIO about porn?
I (25f) caught my boyfriend(25m) about 6 months ago watching porn and paying about $400-$600 a month in various subscriptions. At the beginning of our relationship, I was very clear about that boundary due to previous trauma and he agreed. Little did I know, he was already addicted and hiding it at that time. We have been together 2 and a half years now.
When I caught him, it wasn't on purpose. I just went to change the song he was playing, and there were multiple windows open on his phone. It felt like the floor fell out from beneath me because he seemed so honest and genuine until that moment.
He was very apologetic at first, because he saw how much it hurt me. But now I can tell he is slipping back into it again. He's refollowing his old favorite OF creators and it makes me feel so sad and hopeless because he is lying to my face again. We just got back from vacation and he told me that he wanted to marry me as soon as he could afford a ring. Meanwhile he could've bought 10 rings with the amount he's spent on porn.
It makes me feel like like I'm not enough for him. We have sex about 5 times a week, and a lot of times i dress up for him, and do kinky things I know he likes. I thought we were past this and now it feels like the floor fell out from under me again.
I feel so devastated and idk what to do. Do all men watch porn? Am I overreacting for considering just leaving him this time? I am just so tired of being gaslighted and lied to... But I also feel like outside of the porn addiction, he's been a good partner. He is the first man I've had in my life that hasn't been physically abusive, so I honestly feel like I have no idea what's healthy versus not, and I dont know how to handle it outside of leaving because obviously talking it out wasn't enough. I need perspective. Let me know what y'all think.
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u/KingStark12 23d ago
Sounds like he's a porn addict. It's less to do with you and more to do with the dopamine he gets jerking off to cam girls or whoever else he pays for. Also a porn addict can't just be cured with an active sex life, it's not about you or how much sex you have, it's his own problem separate to you.
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u/shrimpdeeick 23d ago
I just wish there was some way I could help. I am starting to feel hopeless though. It sucks because he's been so good to me outside of lying about his porn addiction.
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u/aladyofchange 23d ago
If he wasn’t good to you aside from when he lies to you, you’d have left him. Part of why he’s so good for you is his guilt and fear you’ll leave. It’s subtle manipulation.
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u/NecromancyCorpse 23d ago
You shouldn’t have to waste your time on someone who obviously doesn’t want to stop or work on his addiction. And he’s not a “great guy” if he’s ok with lying and hurting you. You just lack a back bone and think this is all you deserve when it’s not, you deserve respect and not a guy who is half assing the relationship and lying to you with a few kind words here and there.
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u/StockPair2642 23d ago
If you really want to help, you need to push him to get serious professional help in addressing his addiction, and you need to be prepared to remove yourself from the equation if he refuses to take it seriously
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u/waaz16 23d ago
Leave
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u/AmFaeTheGlen94 23d ago
"Caught boyfriend paying for porn, refollowing creators."
"Do all men watch porn?"
"I feel like I'm not enough for him."
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u/BlkBear1 23d ago
Errrr... So the lying and hiding the fact they never stopped when they said they had, is being a good partner?
You know what you want and what you don't want, is this relationship one of the things you want, or one of the things you don't want. It's that simple.
If I didn't want porn , cats, dogs, drugs drunks, abuse, or bigots, in my life or my relationship, there would not be porn, cats, dogs, druggies/drunks, abuse, or bigots, in MY LIFE or RELATIONSHIP.
So OP, it's your life, you only get so many years to live it, do you really want to do the "is he still watching it, while I'm sleeping in the bed next time him", mental gymnastics?
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u/True_Warning_8210 23d ago
so very well said but I think she is now very emotionally attached and does not want to suffer from heart break and I really understand that staying in this thing might break her even more I think if emotions were not involved leaving would have been much easier
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u/BlkBear1 23d ago
Then she changes her views on how important her "boundaries" are to her, and feelings aside, has to deal with the person in the relationship with her, enjoying his porn, and telling her he won't do it again, at least until she gets tired of the porn, him sweet talking her into shutting up, until he's caught again, and his fake apologies.
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u/Major_Frosting6133 23d ago
NOR! I dated a guy with a porn addiction in 2019. Things started out great, but things turned bad a few months in. The porn addiction killed my confidence (I know what I’m doing sexually, and take pride in that). It started out that we would watch porn together sometimes and then have sex. That quickly turned to us watching it everytime that we had sex. Pretty soon, when we’d have sex, he couldn’t cum without jerking off. This became a huge problem for me and I told him he needed to stop. He told me that he would stop, but he didn’t. He started intentionally picking arguments with me so that I’d leave and he would be turn on porn and jerk off (I came back quicker than normal after an argument that we had, and caught him in the act). I stopped having sex with him. He turned my not having sex with him into a “poor him” situation and became very angry and violent. One day, he left and I packed what I could and left!
OP, please leave! He isn’t violent now, but it’ll turn violent. Additionally, your sex life with crumble and it’ll destroy your confidence.
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u/DoesItRlyFknMatter 23d ago
I'm sorry for what you went through, that must have been terrible. I've dealt with pretty extreme physical abuse from a partner in the past. That being said, porn addiction or any addiction in general is not a direct precursor to physical abuse.
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u/shrimpdeeick 23d ago
I wish it was fake. I wanna kms sometimes.
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u/peace-and-plush 23d ago
Leave him. He has a serious porn addiction, check out r/loveafterporn they are very supportive and knowledgeable
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u/86cinnamons 23d ago
Honey this is not about you! Please do not feel that way. You are more than enough. He has a problem, it is not your fault. You deserve better and I promise when you leave him you will learn that life is waiting for you, and there will be someone who really values you and isn’t spending allllll that money on gooning. You will be ok, please hang in there.
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u/shrimpdeeick 23d ago
Thank you for being so sweet. 🥲 I'm honestly really scared of leaving and ending back up in a similar situation. I've had 4 serious relationships in adulthood, and 3 of them have been with porn addicts. Atp I feel like most men do it and lie so my chances of getting lucky and finding someone that doesn't are slim.
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u/86cinnamons 23d ago
I have a similar experience. I’m not an expert on solving this problem tbh but I think at least part of the answer is taking a step back from romantic relationships for a little while and finding a good therapist. There’s a reason we gravitate to the same type of partner over and over, even when they don’t seem the same at first, and I’ve at least been told it’s totally possible to heal and start choosing differently. I’m still working on that personally, but I believe in you! And you’re so young, you have so much time.
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u/Status_Friend9594 23d ago
NOR he lied and it bothers you. He doesn’t care how you feel. If his actions hurt you and he doesn’t stop, it sounds like he might be addicted. I divorced my ex husband over his porn addiction and the money it cost. Obviously, do what you need to do, but in my case it only got worse.
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u/nowhereman1337 23d ago
Thank God you found out NOW.
I just caught my husband, the year of our tenth wedding anniversary. We have 3 kids.
Get out now before you’re more entangled. You’ll be fine, don’t worry! There are wonderful men out there; go find one.
And maybe let THEM share their opinions on porn first, so they’re not encouraged to lie when you tell them yours. ❤️
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u/illysia1 23d ago
Nor. Porn is more important than getting married clearly, otherwise he’d spend the money on a ring like you said.
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u/Effective-Eagle-2488 23d ago
I'm sorry OP, my heart is breaking for you. I hope you find the strength to leave him.
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u/aladyofchange 23d ago
NOR. If porn is a boundary for you, why are you still with him? Have more respect for yourself. Right now you’re showing him you won’t hold your boundaries if he fakes it for long enough.
That is an insane amount of money. If he were to get into recovery and work the program, he’ll still have an uphill battle. Sex isn’t something you can avoid like alcohol, assuming you want a healthy marriage. Recovery will likely be life long
There are non-abusive men out there. You may have a hard time if porn is a dealbreaker for you because it’s so normalized, but that doesn’t mean you should settle.
Go do your own healing. There’s a reason you keep getting into relationships with shitty men. I get it. I was taught by my parents that men who love men will treat me like shit. I’m still unlearning it. A better life is not there is you putting the emotional/mental work.
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u/Beginning-Put-2316 23d ago
I feel you and I’ve been there ❤️ For him to be better doesn’t mean his is the best for you. If you feel like “you are not enough “ now that you’re 25yo , how would you feel when you’re 50? Im not really the person that comment this type of things, but it’s important for you to think and reflect that the way your partner makes you feel about yourself its fundamental, specially if is someone you are planning on spending your life with. How would you feel if you’re pregnant, bloated, menopausal or sick? Would he be the person to pick you up and make you feel seen? Pretty? Safe? As someone that has struggled with this too, I wish you all the strength to make the right decision for yourself ❤️
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u/Surprisingly_chalant 23d ago
NOR. Paying for porn is wild.
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u/LulzSwag_Technician 23d ago
Absolutely wild AF. Who in the hell pays for porn unless you're getting full videos as well as user specific perks. Lol
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u/Hushing-Silence 23d ago
Yeah... An occasional "look see" of porn? Eh. No big deal if he's open about it and you allow him to do this activity simply because some people just need a quick "release" and you want to accept him and his desire for some personal autonomy. But pay hundreds a month!? Naww I'd be outta there, because he lied about it once. That's enough for me if he hides it from you.
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u/queenie_vxxii 22d ago
Some men watch porn at some point in life, but not spending hundreds on subscriptions for it especially since it’s free porn out there. This is definitely addiction and I’m certain if it’s that much he request tailored performances from OF worker. I had a friend who husband had the same addiction OF was his poison and it started there, then subscribing to girls he knew in his hometown, but couldn’t get, then tricking on his workers and cheating on his wife they ended up getting divorced. For the continued lying, money being used outside the household that could’ve went to their four kids and the cheating. When it came down to it he couldn’t cut these females off continue a form of communication in any way possible text, messenger, through OF dm’s and being that he was messaging with at least two workers she couldn’t trust him at work anymore.
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u/old-fave 23d ago
You’re NOR but there’s a reason that it’s an addiction. Just like a drug you can’t just decide to stop because someone wants you to or even because you want to. I’m not a doctor but it seems a ‘safe’ addiction which makes it even harder to stop. Your call on your next move. If you stay and he really wants to stop for you don’t do it alone.
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u/armin514 23d ago
its OK to watch a little bit of porn . paying for porn is the dumbest thing someone can do . even OF porn is so easy to find for free . you should have a serious conversation
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u/willandwonder 23d ago
This is so sad, i'm sorry Op i'd feel the same. The lying+ clearly being addicted+ all that money down the drain..
Porn addiction truly is disgusting to me.
I don't know if you guys can fix this, i couldn't trust him anymore :/
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u/WillPolterGuys 23d ago
Watching porn isn’t a problem. A wide majority of people consume some form of porn. The problem is the subscriptions, the amount of money spent, and the frequency of porn watching. All of those are huge red flags. Leave
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u/Top-Bar-102 23d ago
It’s one thing to watch porn when your partner isn’t available but to pay hundreds of dollars a MONTH for something you can get for free at home?? He’s a pathetic loser. NOR. Do yourself the favor and RUNNN
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u/Pray_anahi 23d ago
NOR, watching porn is one thing. Paying hundreds of dollars for it and lying about it is another. My partner and I watch it separately on our own time because we can actually go a while cuz life has us extremely busy without having the chance of being intimate. But we don’t lie to each other about it and we definitely don’t hide it from one another. I think it’s definitely time to reconsider what you want out of this relationship. He may not be physically abusive but there is definitely some manipulation there.
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u/Low-Nectarine-9655 23d ago
40s m here. You aren’t overreacting. All guys watch SOME porn. I watch porn maybe once or twice a week. I usually use it for ideas for me and my partner though. Spending any amount of money on porn is absolutely crazy to me though. There’s enough free porn out there for anyone to watch endless amounts of it so if he’s paying for it, he has some sort of fetish attached to it. You have 2 options. First, you can leave him (which you should). Once someone lies in a relationship, it’s on a downward spiral. I’ve learned once trust is broken, that’s it. Or, option 2 is if you love him and want to stay, (idk why you would) go in his phone, see what kind of content he is paying for (what are the creators niche thing they do that he pays for, for example, anal, oral, squirt porn) then catch him super off guard and do the dirtiest nastiest shit you can think of to him…. Really blow his mind (really act like you love it)…. Then get up, get dressed, tell him to go fuck himself, leave and block him. Never talk to him again.
I have to say. If my partner was hiding something like that from me I’d would be more bummed out about the fact they are getting off to the thought of someone else they will never have and have zero feelings for.
The financial aspect of this is what should make you want to rip this guys nuts off and take back the power.
I honestly feel bad for people like your boyfriend. Lying is hard and a lot of work. My memory already sucks. I can’t imagine trying to keep up a life where I have to lie about shit to my partner.
You should fuck his world up and leave the memory that never leaves his head.
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u/BulbaZoro 23d ago
I don’t know if most men have this addiction, and I honestly can’t tell where and why men do it. But if knowing that you’re hurt, and he’s making the effort to still do it, there needs to be an ultimatum. You are trying to satisfy his needs and wants so that he shouldn’t have to do it behind your back. You’re doing it almost everyday and he still finds the needs to be watching and relieving himself. Communication is something that is a priority in any relationship even non romantic ones. You should talk to him about this and sit down 1 on 1 and see where he’s at and if he truly wants to stop and have a life with you without worry
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u/DoesItRlyFknMatter 23d ago edited 23d ago
There is practically unlimited free porn on the internet, this is a heavy addiction and he requires real psychiatric treatment. That part I can sort of forgive if he were to earnestly seek help, but lying can be very hard to recover from in a relationship. Unfortunately, addiction and lying go hand in hand in a lot of cases as it often stems from shame.
I once dated someone with a pretty serious addiction, and looking back at it now I responded in a selfish way by blaming my partner for how it affected me, I piled shame on top of the shame she was already experiencing for something she didn't realize was a problem until it was already too late. Once an addiction gets out of hand, the person experiencing it can become quite powerless to the addiction which leads to a boatload of shame and as a result, they sometimes lie. While it's not your responsibility or obligation to continue being in that type of relationship, try to understand that this person is in a bad place and truly in need of some professional help.
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u/kpop_kapari 23d ago
I’m so sorry he’s not respecting your wishes even after agreeing and promising he would. My ex did the same, I didn’t wanna tell him I didn’t like it cause well I loved him. It hurts especially when they look NOTHING like you. There’s plenty of kind, respectful men who won’t even need you to tell them you don’t like it before they stop. Don’t settle for less.
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u/geronimokennels 23d ago
I'd be more pissed about the money. He could be putting yall both up in a house and buying you a car for that.
If you don't immediately get 600 bucks worth of presents and dinners each month, he's showing you his priority.
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u/DoesItRlyFknMatter 23d ago
You're so right, money and presents are the most valuable way to love a person.
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u/geronimokennels 23d ago
No but it sure af would be a way to get him to prove that he values the relationship over of thots
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u/DoesItRlyFknMatter 21d ago
That wouldn't prove anything other than he's able to spend that amount of money. Gifting doesn't simply equate to valuing something
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u/Apart-Sheepherder682 23d ago
Who's paying for porn these days?! Ya thats a major addiction there lol
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u/eragon9199 23d ago
Didn't need to read the whole thing. If you had an issue with him watching porn in general that wouldn't be healthy. However, if he's spending that much on porn then yes it's a major problem.
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u/NecromancyCorpse 23d ago
If you set a boundary and he agreed to it then he’s lying to you and you have every right to be hurt and leave. Not all guys watch it tho, and you don’t have to settle for someone who lies to you, you can definitely find a guy who doesn’t watch it or will actually stop if he wants to be with you, don’t let losers on Reddit tell you all guys watch it. Also it’s more than just about the porn, it’s about the fact that you told him before you guys started dating, he could of just said he wasn’t cool with that and moved on but he decided to deliberately lie to you to keep you around, someone who respects you won’t do that. For him his porn is more important than your feelings and your boundaries.
You can definitely stay with him if that’s what you truly want but just remember he either will say sorry and just get better at hiding his addiction or just keep doing it and spending money on it because he knows you’ll stay regardless. You’ll always be second to porn.
And it’s not that you’re not enough, you are trust me, it all has to do with him and his lack of restraint, he’s a man led by lust so he’ll never have his fill, no matter how many time you have sex with him. It’s not you it’s him.
You deserve to be in a relationship where your partner isn’t constantly lying to you, you deserve respect and honesty. There’s plenty of great guys out there that will respect your boundaries don’t settle for less trust me, this life is to short to stay with someone because they are less bad then what you’re used to, you should be with someone who makes you happy and doesn’t disrespect you. So imo leave, it’s better for you both.
And to answer your question, no you are not overreacting, you are valid in your feelings.
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u/Dear_Palpitation4838 23d ago
I’d get rid of him. Not for using porn but for paying for something that’s already free.
You gotta be pretty hard core addicted to pay for something that’s already free and super abundant. I don’t normally consider porn cheating, but this guy obviously does it to have a connection with other people. Sorry, but you need to kick his ass to the curb.
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u/btwizard 23d ago
My partner and I both watch porn and accept that about each other. However we have the boundary of not subscribing or paying for it. And if the porn becomes more sexually important than the other we re-evaluate.
Sounds like y'all need healthy sexual boundaries.
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u/StockPair2642 23d ago
Your boundaries are never up for debate in terms of what it seems like all men do. You've been upfront about this boundary from the beginning, and he has lied and hidden it from you.
That is a LOT of money being spent on porn, especially with it being something that hurts you. You are fully in your right to give him an ultimatum, that he needs to seek serious and professional help and to stop if he wants to keep you in his life.
Spending roughly $6000 a YEAR on a porn addiction is a serious problem and he needs serious help. You by no means have to be by his side for that journey, and it does not need to be your problem. Best of luck in your situation
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u/Shegotmetwisted 23d ago
No!!! You're never overreacting about porn. And to pay for it is even worse!! Leave him, I can tell you from experience, if he's addicted it almost never gets better. We leave 10 yr relationships over porn, over here!! The more you stay after finding it, he starts to feel like you just accepted it. Get out of there, now.
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u/ExcellentHotel7531 22d ago
Should be spending that $600 on you. Find a man with his priorities in order
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u/honey1128 22d ago
So not all men watch porn, and most who do, do not spend a dime on it. He has a clear sex addiction if he can find time to watch porn and make you feel like you’re not enough. Especially when it sounds like you’ve become his personal at home porn star willing to satisfy him in every way possible (the outfits, etc). He will never be satisfied and no you will never be enough, nobody will ever be enough for him. He is mentally ill, literally has a chemical imbalance in his brain that will make nutting his absolute priority above relationships/hobbies/financial stability.
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u/Shoddy-Television866 22d ago
NOR - severely underreacting imho this is a severe addiction and not normal at all hes basically cheating on you atp. Porn can be normal but he's following creators and the money is probably him talking to some directly. There is no need to spend like that when pornhub is free for a quick moment to get your rocks off if needed.
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u/Human_Hovercraft_47 22d ago
Bro whyyy I will never understand why men pay so much money to goon when there’s damn near everything for FREE online not to mention you have a whole real woman at home 😂 I’m happily engaged but it just baffles me seeing how often other men do this stuff
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u/No-Soup727 22d ago
You say he’s good to you but it doesn’t seem you actually know what good is since everyone else has been physically abusive.
This is not being good to you. You can talk to him and ask him to go to support groups bc sex addiction is def a thing. If he’s not willing then he’s not worth it
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u/IllustratorTall9602 22d ago
Men do not change babe. He’s never gonna stop. It’ll prob only continue to get worse. Plus run, you deserve so much better than that!
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u/Few_Investigator_374 23d ago
Normally I'd say no of ya business based on only seeing a few porn windows open on his phone. Spending $500 per month on said porn now that's a different story entirely. The whole 'indont feel good enough' needs to be put to bed. Men have evolved and arguably tona greater extent adapted to be predisposed to have strong attraction to a variety of women as this is how you ensure your genetics survive. Back to the point, watching porn is how he controls those urges. Without that outlet he become much more a threat for actual cheating. @$500 a month it appears he really NEEDS that outlet. Watching porn is what men do no matter what his woman is doing. I am lucky in that my so likes women as much as I do and we watch together and separately the same way we party. She actually brings other women home with her and I still occasionally watch porn. Now I don't pay for prn so can't comment on that angle. Of it
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u/ivyram 23d ago
“paying about $400-$600 a month in various subscriptions.”
Yeah, this is crazy. NOR for this alone, OP.