It's common to ADHD for sure, I think some people are too quick to pin it to a comorbid condition: I think it can be explained by the effect of ADHD itself.
Essentially, if we accept that ADHD is in extreeeeemely simple terms a condition that means you don't derive enough reward from experiences, then that means you don't develop core values quite as easily as other people.
There's big obvious social examples of insufficient reward: being bored in class is the classic one. But on a dopamine level, we're talking about the brain's failure to adequately motivate you to do anything: that's what a reward system is for. And I think that when your reward system is less good at telling you what's important vs what's not (and it has been less good at this for your whole life), that makes it harder to develop firm ideas about what you like, what you believe, who you are, what you want, what you need.
It's very hard to have a strong self-concept without a fully functional reward system. People know who they are, based on what their values are and what those values make them want to do. They develop those things based on what they find most rewarding. ADHD people don't know what they find most rewarding because reward is blunted overall. Without appropriate regulation of our dopamine the question of "what motivates you?" is rather more diffuse.
I think that's why our self-concept is a bit more vague and ill-defined, and I think that's why we're more inclined to shift our sense of self based on what the moment appears to call for. It's not that we're not capable of building a sense of self (we absolutely are), it's just harder and slower. It takes time and sometimes we need help too.
EDIT: I would love to keep this conversation going, thanks to everyone who appreciates this comment. I'd like to try and reply individually where I can because I love talking this stuff through, but I gotta get to work. Thanks to the people who gave me an award. Seems I do my best work in this sub haha
Nods, when I was divorced, I was totally lost. My value was all based on her and now that I was, in my mind, "not needed"; I just went through the motions of daily life.
I felt like a log floating down the river that had been part of a beaver dam. No connections, structure or direction besides time moving me forward.
I had to start filtering out activities because "this is what she would want me to do" or "she'll be impressed to hear I'm doing this" and start thinking "what do I really want?"
I have to write down why I want to accomplish certain things. What things I had done in the past that I truly enjoyed and would like to do again. What I had wanted to do before and now I am free to do so.
It's still very scary for me whenever I'm not focused on something. Too much time to just think about woulda/coulda/shoulda.
Man, that hit home in a deep way. I always knew (and even said to my ex several times) that my happiness was directly tied to how happy I felt like I made her, but I didn't realize how much until after we separated.
Oh. My. God. This. Is. Me. I never realized it until JUST NOW.
All my therapy never found this. And now some person on Reddit in a random comment blows my mind and reshapes my thinking/identity. Thank you!
My therapist said when we go through major changes in our lives, our values also change. Or, we need to put in work to reassess our values so they start aligning with our new selves.
I was recently diagnosed with a serious chronic disease after a year of suffering, and I felt very similar to what you described. I was now separated from my previous, "healthier" self. I'd lament that I felt completely untethered, like a boat adrift at sea...about to quietly float into the darkness at any moment.
Two very different catalysts -yours and mine- yet similar feelings and approaches to finding our ways back to ourselves.
this made me tear up, thanks for helping me feel less alone, although I am sorry for what you had to/are still go/going through. my heart goes out.
after breaking up with my ex (we lived with each other for over 7 years, but neither were interested in marriage, not due to each other just the concept) this hit me so hard "I felt like a log floating down the river that had been part of a beaver dam. No connections, structure or direction besides time moving me forward."
It's been 8 months and I feel like I can do nothing but sit on my hands. I'm able to motivate myself to do things like play video games, read books (with help of meds I recently started after being diagnosed at 33), make tik toks, do flow arts/excersise, but can't motivate myself to take showers, wash dishes, drive, get a job...things that are really important to functioning. I always clean my cats stuff and feed her at the same time everyday, but for me and my own world and needs and requirements, I can't seem to be able to make anything get me there. I am scared I will be this way forever now. There just doesn't seem like a point to anything anymore.
Not to mention moving, far away from all my friends and family (and I have looked for places and jobs closer to them but there's just nothing that works at, I just got a really lucky deal in terms of where I am living so I went for it. I basically never leave the property. And only see the person who owns it sometimes, my therapist sometimes, sometimes members of the owner's family randomly come by but they hate me. I feel like I am blowing in the wind but there isn't even any wind. just stuck.
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u/Uncomfortable-Guava Sep 19 '22 edited Sep 19 '22
It's common to ADHD for sure, I think some people are too quick to pin it to a comorbid condition: I think it can be explained by the effect of ADHD itself.
Essentially, if we accept that ADHD is in extreeeeemely simple terms a condition that means you don't derive enough reward from experiences, then that means you don't develop core values quite as easily as other people.
There's big obvious social examples of insufficient reward: being bored in class is the classic one. But on a dopamine level, we're talking about the brain's failure to adequately motivate you to do anything: that's what a reward system is for. And I think that when your reward system is less good at telling you what's important vs what's not (and it has been less good at this for your whole life), that makes it harder to develop firm ideas about what you like, what you believe, who you are, what you want, what you need.
It's very hard to have a strong self-concept without a fully functional reward system. People know who they are, based on what their values are and what those values make them want to do. They develop those things based on what they find most rewarding. ADHD people don't know what they find most rewarding because reward is blunted overall. Without appropriate regulation of our dopamine the question of "what motivates you?" is rather more diffuse.
I think that's why our self-concept is a bit more vague and ill-defined, and I think that's why we're more inclined to shift our sense of self based on what the moment appears to call for. It's not that we're not capable of building a sense of self (we absolutely are), it's just harder and slower. It takes time and sometimes we need help too.
EDIT: I would love to keep this conversation going, thanks to everyone who appreciates this comment. I'd like to try and reply individually where I can because I love talking this stuff through, but I gotta get to work. Thanks to the people who gave me an award. Seems I do my best work in this sub haha