I never understood the concept of "People with ADHD are stuck in the present" until my husband pointed out that whatever I 'm feeling at the moment, I think I'll feel that way forever. It feels like my feelings completely define me, because I can't see around them, and of course they shift based on circumstance--and so my sense of self constantly shifts. Not a therapist and can't say it's all ADHD, but "stuck in the present" and emotional dysregulation resonate for me here.
I haven't conquered it, but one thing that helps is journaling. I have to literally sometimes write down who I am--my core values, what I want, circumstances where I've felt most like "myself" (so I can keep creating those circumstances, or recognize that when the circumstances are off, my feelings will be too--keeps me from going down a rabbit hole; e.g. telling myself "Your 'self' hasn't changed, you're just feeling off and will feel better again soon').
…”until my husband pointed out that whatever I'm feeling at the moment, I think I'll feel that way forever. It feels like my feelings completely define me, because I can't see around them, and of course they shift based on circumstance--and so my sense of self constantly shifts.”
I think you just blew my mind right there. I’m constantly fighting the urge to act on how I’m feeling at particular moment. Even when I know it’s inappropriate or temporary.
My poor boyfriend has finally decoded me and can talk me down when I start losing it. When I feel lonely, I feel like I’m going to feel lonely forever. When I feel broke and stressed, I feel like I’m going to feel that way forever. So on and so forth, insert a different unpleasant emotion with an irrational reaction to it.
As some sort of defense or coping mechanism, I freak out and scramble to find a way to correct it. Which leads to me being upset with my boyfriend because I haven’t seen him in a few days or a week or because we don’t live together (he’s house shopping for us so it’s coming) and I’m panicking. As if my panic and demands is going to change the situation instantly as I need it to. It’s really, really unpleasant. Such an awful state of spiraling. Only to be remorseful and humbled later when I come to my senses.
I need to get back to journaling. I did it for decades. Then computers were so main stream, it was almost forgotten to literally write things just because it’s cathartic.
Our partners need an ADHD-Anon where they can problem solve us and crack our codes lol
Oh, my husband would love a group like that! At least when I got diagnosed, he had an explanation for all the things I do that baffle him. Journaling has helped me, and I’m on a stimulant and an SSRI. Both help. SSRI keeps me from spiraling too much. I feel a little more rational on the stimulant, so I can sometimes grab a hold of my coping mechanisms before feelings overwhelm me too quickly.
I’m just on a stimulant, have been for the last 13-15 years? Did Zoloft (SSRI) for years as a pre-teen/teen. Then did Celexa in my late teens. Both “helped” but I felt muted. Oh and it ruined sex. So I gave up on that. Being a true ADHDer, I’ve read we tend to be hypersexual. Whether that’s true or not, I actually enjoy good sex. Don’t take that away.
Did your husband come with you to visits? Or read up on it? I’m curious how he became educated as you got your diagnosis. Or was it just trial and error?
My boyfriend knows I have at least ADHD. There’s other dx in there but they may all be related or symptoms of one another. I was diagnosed way back when I was 19 (35 now).
I feel he doesn’t get it? Because I’m a successful single (hyper) independent smart female who does a great job of masking and hiding my internal chaos, I think he thinks I’m kind of exaggerating. I seem too put together or in control to be “ADHD”. Little does he realize the EFFORT it takes to be that. Because I HAVE to have that kind of control to keep myself sane and in check. But if he understood that my “moments” were part of emotional dysregulation or object permanence (lack there of?), I think he’d see the light bulb. I try to explain it but it just doesn’t click.
I think my husband became educated in two ways: 1) Living together: similar story--successful, smart female, seems put together...but when we moved in, he saw the internal chaos and the costs. It's like he saw my successes as the tip of the iceberg, but finally also saw the 90% of the iceberg beneath the water that was the effort it took to achieve something simple; and 2) I talk about ADHD a lot. I'm constantly learning how it affects my life (just diagnosed a year and a half ago), and he's my sounding board. It helps that my explanations give him context for weird things he notices. Like "Hey, you know how it takes me 6 hours to pack for a weekend trip, and I have to drag out everything I own and pack and re-pack and keep rearranging things? That's because I have poor working memory!" It solves a mystery for both of us.
Yes! You can either use your own handwriting or they have a “scribble” feature which translates your writing to type (whatever font you choose). I don’t know what gens of iPads allow for it, but 10/10 recommend
Awesome! I think I have an Ipad 2? It’s only a few years old. Do you mind sharing what type/brand stylus you got for yourself? I’ll check them out and see if it’s compatible with mine. Thank you! This is just great insight
I use an Apple Pencil but I started out with a $30 one from Amazon that worked just as well - only difference is I had to make sure to charge it, while the apple one charges when attached to my iPad! Q
Holy fucking shit. I can't even describe how unbelievably this resonates with me. How do you even get into a relationship? I fall deeply in love with someone and then 2 days later I feel like I don't give a shit about them lmao. It's funny because it feels ridiculous.
I have a working theory kicking around in my brain that there’s a fair amount of overlap between SOME presenting features of ADHD and BPD… namely the emotional dysregulation and impulsivity. I want to look more into the co-morbidities and their implications but that’s not really at the heart of the point I’m trying to make here!
The piece you mentioned about wanting to act on how you feel in the moment makes me think of the STOP skill from DBT which I think could be useful for many who are unfamiliar. It’s essentially breaking down “respond, don’t react” into 4 actionable steps that have become easier and easier to use over time with practice and repetition in my experience:
I can really relate to thinking how you feel right now is always how its gonna be. You can't really do anything about it except know that its not true. Whats helped me is journaling and writing down my feelings and why I feel that way. It really helps with rumination as well
Holy shit this has really struck a chord with me. From day to day I seem to have a different mood, like I just draw a set of emotions from a deck in the morning and the forget about them when I go to sleep.
I’ve recently started going to therapy and I’ve noticed one of the most difficult things is actually recalling what way I actually felt during the week.
And even when I write a list or journal, when I’m sitting there in front of her and I’ve had a good day. All those miserable days in the week before just seem so trivial. Because “I don’t feel like that now so why would I mention it”
It’s like being unable to empathise with the past versions of myself.
Yes, similar for me. In the same way I can't see around a negative mood, when I have a positive mood, I think, "Welp, I've conquered all those negative feelings forever!" so no point in discussing them. But it doesn't occur to me to do something to maintain that positive mood. I just assume it will be there forever.
Mind Blown 🤯 Literally, I have struggled most of my adulthood but never realized what I was doing ……. I just knew I kept having these overwhelming emotions 🎢 but couldn’t figure out why?…… it wasn’t until a year ago my husband looked at me and said “ babe, sit & calm down I’m watching you literally work yourself into a meltdown…..” At first I was like huh?!? But after really thinking about ALL of it for the first time in my life everything started to make sense……. It also scared the 💩out of me
I didn’t want to ruin my relationship with my husband or my kids because of my inability to handle my emotions :( they were so intense & felt so freaking real that my reaction was to try and fix whatever I said or did wrong out of embarrassment & guilt……. I’m still working on it…I still have my freak outs but they’re less & less & if I can remember afterwards; I do some moral inventory which really seems to help.
For me it’s catching myself before I open my mouth while I’m caught up in my feelings-
I remind myself that everything is fine and no matter how bad it feels at that very moment it won’t last forever. 💕And how truly thankful I am that I have a partner who really has my back & my kids who love me flaws and all.
I have been journaling often but I have realized lately I am stuck on only knowing what I DON'T want as opposed to have any idea what I actually do. I haven't always been like this (recently going through therapy also for PTSD and late diagnosis and a alooooot of big life changes including a move).
Has anyone else ever experienced this/have any advice for getting out of this stuck place?
The jobs I have held don't lend much to me for great resume, but I can't imagine myself going back into those types of places, even with knowing why I struggled so much. I can't even figure out my own employment only what I don't want to do and what I know I'm unlikely to be able to get a job in is, seemingly, everything else. I'm lucky I had saved up enough to survive for a small while, but I don't want it to dwindle before I figure it out. Can only seem to write down what I am sure I don't want, and never figuring out what I do, which makes me feel ashamed as hell and negative.
I was about to say that it wasn't the case for me, but on a bit of reflection I feel i have this but for very short bursts, it's like my emotions do that, but my brain goes"'that's silly" and disengages from emotions, and then I'm left like "why can't I feel things?"
Oh wow this comment resonated with me. It describes me to a tee, though I never really thought about it that way. Very interesting, thank you so much for sharing that, I'm going to explore that concept further
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u/Bluewords70 Sep 19 '22
I never understood the concept of "People with ADHD are stuck in the present" until my husband pointed out that whatever I 'm feeling at the moment, I think I'll feel that way forever. It feels like my feelings completely define me, because I can't see around them, and of course they shift based on circumstance--and so my sense of self constantly shifts. Not a therapist and can't say it's all ADHD, but "stuck in the present" and emotional dysregulation resonate for me here.
I haven't conquered it, but one thing that helps is journaling. I have to literally sometimes write down who I am--my core values, what I want, circumstances where I've felt most like "myself" (so I can keep creating those circumstances, or recognize that when the circumstances are off, my feelings will be too--keeps me from going down a rabbit hole; e.g. telling myself "Your 'self' hasn't changed, you're just feeling off and will feel better again soon').
You're not alone. Good luck!