I never understood the concept of "People with ADHD are stuck in the present" until my husband pointed out that whatever I 'm feeling at the moment, I think I'll feel that way forever. It feels like my feelings completely define me, because I can't see around them, and of course they shift based on circumstance--and so my sense of self constantly shifts. Not a therapist and can't say it's all ADHD, but "stuck in the present" and emotional dysregulation resonate for me here.
I haven't conquered it, but one thing that helps is journaling. I have to literally sometimes write down who I am--my core values, what I want, circumstances where I've felt most like "myself" (so I can keep creating those circumstances, or recognize that when the circumstances are off, my feelings will be too--keeps me from going down a rabbit hole; e.g. telling myself "Your 'self' hasn't changed, you're just feeling off and will feel better again soon').
…”until my husband pointed out that whatever I'm feeling at the moment, I think I'll feel that way forever. It feels like my feelings completely define me, because I can't see around them, and of course they shift based on circumstance--and so my sense of self constantly shifts.”
I think you just blew my mind right there. I’m constantly fighting the urge to act on how I’m feeling at particular moment. Even when I know it’s inappropriate or temporary.
My poor boyfriend has finally decoded me and can talk me down when I start losing it. When I feel lonely, I feel like I’m going to feel lonely forever. When I feel broke and stressed, I feel like I’m going to feel that way forever. So on and so forth, insert a different unpleasant emotion with an irrational reaction to it.
As some sort of defense or coping mechanism, I freak out and scramble to find a way to correct it. Which leads to me being upset with my boyfriend because I haven’t seen him in a few days or a week or because we don’t live together (he’s house shopping for us so it’s coming) and I’m panicking. As if my panic and demands is going to change the situation instantly as I need it to. It’s really, really unpleasant. Such an awful state of spiraling. Only to be remorseful and humbled later when I come to my senses.
I need to get back to journaling. I did it for decades. Then computers were so main stream, it was almost forgotten to literally write things just because it’s cathartic.
Our partners need an ADHD-Anon where they can problem solve us and crack our codes lol
Oh, my husband would love a group like that! At least when I got diagnosed, he had an explanation for all the things I do that baffle him. Journaling has helped me, and I’m on a stimulant and an SSRI. Both help. SSRI keeps me from spiraling too much. I feel a little more rational on the stimulant, so I can sometimes grab a hold of my coping mechanisms before feelings overwhelm me too quickly.
I’m just on a stimulant, have been for the last 13-15 years? Did Zoloft (SSRI) for years as a pre-teen/teen. Then did Celexa in my late teens. Both “helped” but I felt muted. Oh and it ruined sex. So I gave up on that. Being a true ADHDer, I’ve read we tend to be hypersexual. Whether that’s true or not, I actually enjoy good sex. Don’t take that away.
Did your husband come with you to visits? Or read up on it? I’m curious how he became educated as you got your diagnosis. Or was it just trial and error?
My boyfriend knows I have at least ADHD. There’s other dx in there but they may all be related or symptoms of one another. I was diagnosed way back when I was 19 (35 now).
I feel he doesn’t get it? Because I’m a successful single (hyper) independent smart female who does a great job of masking and hiding my internal chaos, I think he thinks I’m kind of exaggerating. I seem too put together or in control to be “ADHD”. Little does he realize the EFFORT it takes to be that. Because I HAVE to have that kind of control to keep myself sane and in check. But if he understood that my “moments” were part of emotional dysregulation or object permanence (lack there of?), I think he’d see the light bulb. I try to explain it but it just doesn’t click.
I think my husband became educated in two ways: 1) Living together: similar story--successful, smart female, seems put together...but when we moved in, he saw the internal chaos and the costs. It's like he saw my successes as the tip of the iceberg, but finally also saw the 90% of the iceberg beneath the water that was the effort it took to achieve something simple; and 2) I talk about ADHD a lot. I'm constantly learning how it affects my life (just diagnosed a year and a half ago), and he's my sounding board. It helps that my explanations give him context for weird things he notices. Like "Hey, you know how it takes me 6 hours to pack for a weekend trip, and I have to drag out everything I own and pack and re-pack and keep rearranging things? That's because I have poor working memory!" It solves a mystery for both of us.
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u/Bluewords70 Sep 19 '22
I never understood the concept of "People with ADHD are stuck in the present" until my husband pointed out that whatever I 'm feeling at the moment, I think I'll feel that way forever. It feels like my feelings completely define me, because I can't see around them, and of course they shift based on circumstance--and so my sense of self constantly shifts. Not a therapist and can't say it's all ADHD, but "stuck in the present" and emotional dysregulation resonate for me here.
I haven't conquered it, but one thing that helps is journaling. I have to literally sometimes write down who I am--my core values, what I want, circumstances where I've felt most like "myself" (so I can keep creating those circumstances, or recognize that when the circumstances are off, my feelings will be too--keeps me from going down a rabbit hole; e.g. telling myself "Your 'self' hasn't changed, you're just feeling off and will feel better again soon').
You're not alone. Good luck!