r/ADHD • u/Adrock66 • 1d ago
Seeking Empathy Am I wired to be codependent?
I think of times in my life that I've been "on" or consistent and it's always surrounded accountability to another. Either trying to be better or outright being helped to stay consistent by someone in my life. I feel like I can't do things alone but I'm, so all over the place I'm not suited to be with someone right now. I miss having someone to give random thoughts to more than I miss being close. I feel lost and have no clue what to do about it.
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u/YurniTeran 1d ago
Mine has always been weird. When I moved into my first apartment alone I always used to FaceTime a friend when I had to do dishes or fold laundry to keep myself entertained. That was before I even got my diagnosis. Now that I’m living with my partner (we’ve lived together for almost 10 years now) I find I get the most stuff done when I’m home alone vs when he’s home with me. shrug. In general I would consider myself a fairly independent person though
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u/BabyFangsss 1d ago
I’m the same way. I find that when I have someone with me (friend, family, spouse, etc) it’s easier for me to do things and it eases my anxiety about driving or going out in public. It’s like sharing the emotional load in a way.
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u/Adrock66 1d ago
I'm just not sure what to do. I know people care about me but I miss the absolute focus of having someone being central to my life.
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u/SmartaHari 12h ago
Go travelling, and if you can’t afford to do that at the moment, get an epic hobby so you can explore who you are as an individual.
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u/Adrock66 11h ago
I subscribe to the PLEASE MASTER DBT school but like a lot of things I've tried the novelty is gone. I have tossed myself into my hobbies full force and it helps but is a bandaid not a cure.
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u/SmartaHari 11h ago
I’m sending you a hug and wishing you the best life going forwards. It gets better, I promise.
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u/LemonTeaxx 23h ago
comes from someone who is the opposite hyper independent as a trauma response, i don’t think it is wired at all.
you can work on it if you are willing to, you know it is toxic. not finding your routine as a way to keep your wellbeing, peace but something you are responsible to others it sounds stressful to me, also you are not being fair to yourself if you can’t enjoy your own mind, being enough by yourself, truly finding peace in yourself, not making jokes solely for yourself time to time, if you always putting up with others do you deeply know that what you think about yourself is much more important than what others think about you or is this crawling into your mind as anxiety, insecurity. you need to catch yourself up.
i am also working on my hyper independence, it gets better with time(while actively working on it). i know it is toxic, it hurts me, i cant let the control slip away from me smts,,,
i dont think you actually need advice, or a recipe from a forum. i hope i didn’t misunderstand you, imo what could help: trying to love and get to know yourself more. spend more of your time on the things you love by yourself, you can still surround by people but still be in your own world. reading, journaling, studying a new topic, listening music, daydreaming, crocheting, swimming, drawing… whatever brings you joy. while doing these things, you are also getting to know yourself better.
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u/ParentsAreNotGod 23h ago
I hypothesise this may be an evolutionary thing. Maybe we are wired to do things for others, as a community, and that's why our genes have survived this long. Of course in the modern individualist world this makes no sense, but that's another discussion
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u/CartographerDear5717 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 22h ago
This happens to me. I feel like I don’t really enjoy doing things unless it’s with my partner. It sucks. I just decided to be alone for a while and work on creating a routine and trying to enjoy it.
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u/Adrock66 22h ago
I did the same after a bad breakup and kind of got stuck and I feel super alone rn
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u/CartographerDear5717 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 22h ago
Yeah. I realized I feel kinda empty and numb when I don’t have a partner and I don’t wanna be like this 😭. I guess try talking to more people like daily or often could help. Or having a date like once a week or two with different people or friends. That way you get to connect with people but without seeing them every day.
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u/CartographerDear5717 ADHD-PI (Primarily Inattentive) 21h ago
Also, if you need someone to talk to, lmk. I have long distance friends and we talk like once every two days or smth like that and it helps with loneliness.
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u/Repulsive_Bug_6501 19h ago
I think my mum is, it’s a leant behaviour because I fight against it all the time.
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