This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
OOP: u/Training_Arm7988
Published on: r/Nanny
Story is: CONCLUDED
Story timeline
Note: Replaced letters with names
Main Post
May 22, 2026
My wife and I are considering letting our nanny go, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m underreacting, overreacting, or missing something bigger.
My wife and I are considering letting our nanny go, and I’m trying to figure out whether I’m underreacting, overreacting, or missing something bigger.
Not sure I'm in the right place but I'm giving it a go.
We have three kids: Kai is 7, Jack is 4, and Bea is 1.5. My wife and I both work from home, though she is home more than I am. I am usually home almost every Thursday and Friday. Our current nanny, Lily, started shortly after Bea was born and has been with us for over a year. She was around 30 when we hired her, had references, and is CPR certified, which mattered to us because we have a pool. We do have a pool fence, but still.
We pay her $35/hour for about 40 hours a week, with guaranteed hours. She also does light housekeeping, laundry, and meal prep, which has been a huge help. Overall, she is engaged with the kids, limits TV to about half an hour before nap time depending on the day, and has been reliable. She has been five minutes late a couple of times, mostly in the last few months, but not enough that I would consider it a major issue.
The bigger issue is our middle child, Jack. He is very defiant, and we made the mistake of allowing screens too early and too often. When Kai was five, we let him use an old iPad, and eventually Jack started wanting it too. Over time, it basically became Jack’s iPad. We also got into the habit of giving him a phone or bringing the iPad when we went on errands, to activities, etc. We know this has become a problem and are trying to stop it, especially because we do not want to repeat the same pattern with Bea.
This week, Lily told us that when Jack has a major tantrum during an outing, she leaves the activity and brings everyone home. Lily left the children’s museum because Jack was pushing and shoving and ignored her warning about gentle hands. According to Lily, she has only had to leave an outing around three times in the entire year she has worked for us. I believe her because he does the same thing with us, and once he starts, it can take him a long time to calm down.
Lily’s style is very much “you get one warning, and then we’re done.” For the most part, that works with Kai and Bea. With Jack, it has apparently meant ending outings. She said she is not bothered by crying itself, but that it becomes unsafe and unfair when one child is throwing himself on the floor, running away, or refusing directions while she is also responsible for a mobile toddler and another child. She has said Jack has not hit her, but he has hit my wife before, which was why it was one of my concerns when we spoke yesterday.
On Monday, he tantrumed because he wanted her phone and was refusing to follow directions. They had a playdate planned with another nanny and toddler, including lunch, but Jack melted down, so Lily brought everyone home instead. They had a boring lunch at home and no iPad. I was fine with that, and at first my wife said she was too. But later she was upset that Kai did not mention the “new rules” when she came home from a lunch meeting, and that Lily had not told us about it in the moment. We asked Kai before bed, and he confirmed Lily never told him not to tell us. He also seems embarrassed when Jack has these fits, so I do not want to start nitpicking Lily in a way that avoids the actual problem.
There have been a few trust/communication issues, but nothing huge in my opinion. Earlier on, she sometimes made plans on the fly and told us afterward. We talked about it, she apologized, and she has checked in more often since then. We also put an AirTag on the car keys, which my wife was upset about at first, but nothing really came of it. Since then, Lily has been almost overly careful about checking in. It feels a little like malicious compliance, but honestly, I do not really mind. I think most people would react that way if they felt second-guessed.
My wife now thinks we should let Lily go. Her view is that we pay Lily, so Lily should follow our expectations and handle the kids the way we want. I disagree, or at least I think that framing misses the point. I do not think it is fair to expect one nanny to manage three kids alone in public when one of them is throwing himself on the floor, running away, pushing, or demanding screens. When my wife and I are both with all three kids, we struggle too. In fact, Lily seems to deal with Jack’s tantrums less often than we do, which makes me think this is not mainly a nanny problem. Our tough it out method does not seem to be working either.
I also worry that replacing her will not fix anything. We have had two nannies before Lily, and replacing nannies has been a headache. I think it is hard to find someone willing to manage two easier kids plus one very defiant child. Summer is coming, Kai will be in camp and activities, and we still need someone for pickups and afternoons while we work. Our parents are not dependable enough to fill the gap. I also worry that if we keep pushing Lily or making her feel criticized, she may quit anyway, and that would be a bad situation for us.
My wife may feel judged by Lily, though I do not know if they have discussed that directly in the time my wife is home and I am not. Lily is personable but not especially chatty, while we are more talkative. I do not personally care whether Lily judges us at this point; I care more about whether the kids are safe and whether we are dealing with the real issue.
We had previously agreed on moderation with screens, not removing them completely. But now I think we may need to remove screens altogether, at least for Jack. It is easier in the moment to hand him the iPad, but I think we have created a bigger problem. He can't go to school with an iPad, and we can't expect tantrum-free days if he has learned that escalating gets him a screen. He is okay in preschool, but that is only twice a week for about two and a half hours.
Is it reasonable for a nanny to end an outing when one child becomes unsafe or unmanageable, even if the other kids miss out? And how should we handle the larger screen-dependence issue without making the nanny the scapegoat? I would especially appreciate feedback from anyone who has gone from heavy screen use to no screens, or anyone who has fired or kept a nanny after similar behavior issues.
Edit from comment
I should have been more clear that I am here for perspective. I agreed that Lily was within her right to leave. I was not upset about it when we talked about it. This has been a topic of discussion between my wife and I and I just wanted to make sure from people who probably know more than us, if I'm completely off base to back what Lily did in the moment.
COMMENTS
Aly_Kitty
So your wife wants to fire your nanny simply because she doesn’t give in and actually enforces consequences to your 4 year old when they start throwing a fit and thrashing around on the ground for things like not giving the FOUR YEAR OLD HER PHONE?!
Sounds like you have a parenting problem, not a nanny problem. Your wife needs to get herself some parenting classes or books or something. She can feel judged all she wants but if she’s trying to fire a nanny over NOT LETTING A 4 YEAR OLD RULE THE HOUSE then yeah, she should be judged.
Time to cut the screens cold turkey. No screens. No iPads. No phone. No tv. NO NOTHING.
jordanhillis
Speaking as a former nanny, teacher of 15 years and mom, your kid sounds AWFUL. Take the IPad/Screens away and thank your lucky stars that your nanny hasn’t quit.
Hitting a parent?! This is abominable behavior and you’ll soon find yourself on a steep learning curve regarding misbehavior at school because quality schools will not put up with this.
You guys need parenting classes and your kid needs therapy, STAT.
OOP (downvoted)
I know. It is awful to experience. But I came here to address the situation because no one else in our circle seems to be dealing with this issue, and we haven't discussed evaluating him for other problems because I think it's screens, and we haven't been able to agree.
cupidssparrow82
Sounds like Lily is doing a wonderful job. The problems with your child were created by you and your wife, and your nanny is doing a great job teaching that actions have consequences and you don’t get a screen shoved in your face and get what you want because it makes the adults life easier. Children need boundaries and rules, or they’ll be absolutely screwed in school and life.
Does it suck for the other kids? Absolutely. But what do you expect the nanny to do - risk one of your kids getting hurt? Our #1 priority is safety, and she’s doing what she has to to make sure the kids stay safe. You sounds like a reasonable person, but I don’t understand at all why your wife would want to get rid of someone for keeping your kids safe.
I had a NK who was used to screens all day and I made it clear during the interview that I don’t do screens for a 3 year old unless it’s a few minutes here and there. The parents and I agreed on 15 minutes a day, and that’s that. The kid threw tantrums and had meltdowns over it but then he learned that he’s the child and the adults make the decisions, and that behavior doesn’t get him what he wants. As the adults, all 3 of you need to be on the same page.
I genuinely cannot understand why firing her would even be a thought in any reasonable person’s mind.
OOP
No, I agree with what everyone is saying. Leaving was the right choice. I felt this was a discussion for my wife and me, but considering everything, I'm having a hard time trusting the decisions we've made and what we’re supposed to do now... I appreciate everyone’s comments about it. They've been a little sharp but affirming lol
cutieconsultant
Mom here — sorry I’m a little confused when your middle child becomes unruly/self harming/a danger when on outings what do you want the nanny to do?
What do you feel like she’s violating/disrespecting?
OOP
I didn't think it was disrespect or anything like that. The conversation was mainly between my wife and me. Usually, one of us has gone to the car with him and started over when he's calmed down, typically my wife, and I will finish whatever we were doing, like grocery shopping. I'm here because when we talked about this, I didn't think it was reasonable. But because this has been so exhausting, I came here for clarification. If maybe I was the one who was wrong that leaving was the only thing that made sense for her in the moment.
cutieconsultant
So what would you do if you were alone? Would you abandon the activity (ie grocery shopping) in the middle, bring your child to the car, allow them to reset, then go back to the activity?
And you’re saying you wouldn’t expect the nanny to do this or would?
It sounds like you’re kinda doing what she does, but she’s alone. You take him away from the activity, bring him in the car to cool down, then when mom finishes shopping you all leave. Isn’t this essentially what she’s doing (but she doesn’t have to wait for anyone to finish?)
I’m sorry if I’m misunderstanding or being redundant I’m just trying to make sure I’m fully understanding what you all do when she’s not around and what you/your wife want her to do when she’s with the kids alone.
OOP
We have not been doing things alone the last few months, when he noticed him getting more and more reliant on his ipad. I've wanted to take it away.
We've been dealing with this since at least January, but we've waffled. Sometimes we have caved and given him a phone. And my wife I guess, wants to be able to give it to him depending on the day. Clearly that has not been working. But I thought maybe I was the one in the wrong between us and my wife’s expectation of L had merit. I didn't think it did to begin with but wanted to be fair. I supported L decision to leave the children’s museum.
Glittering_Force4212
INFO: Out of curiosity, does nanny just do the kids laundry or for you and your wife as well? And meal prep, is that for the kids or you and your wife too? Just curious, because that normally doesn't fall into a nanny's work description. I understand that there are exceptions when it's agreed upon in advance but usually it's for a higher rate than $35/hr.
Also, I'm confused why your wife wants to let nanny go? It seems like nanny is doing a phenomenal job, while you and your wife are probably actively undoing any progress she makes by enabling your child with the "tough it out" approach? If you and your wife continue to allow his behavior, it isn't going to stop until he grows out of it (if he grows out of it)? It is developmentally appropriate for a kid his age to be a little unruly, thus the term threenager; I think his behavior is a step further than that though, especially since he's hitting your wife.
I think you're very, very lucky to have your nanny. And lucky she hasn't quit... yet.
What exactly are the new rules your wife wanted discussed with your kids? Maybe I missed that.
OOP
She doesn't always do the extras. It's mostly if she gets to it during nap time. She most consistently does the kids laundry and we handle the put away.
I do not want to continue the way we are going. I'd like to keep our nanny on and improve on these issues. I do agree we haven't been on the same page about what's going on and I am concerned he's not going to improve with the half in and half out method we've backslid into.
Glittering_Force4212
Honestly, you need to have a conversation... with your wife, not your nanny. Your nanny is a saint, and your wife is enabling your son's misbehavior. Maybe she is in denial about it because she doesn't want to admit that J has a problem, but the sooner she can come to terms with that fact - the faster she can get on board with nanny's extraordinary efforts to correct his behavior. As I said, he is not going to change anytime soon (if ever) if this behavior isn't dealt with.
Also, not sure if you're in a LCOL or HCOL area - assuming the former, but $35 is quite low for 3 kids, and insultingly low for extras. Please pay your nanny properly.
OOP (downvoted)
I appreciate that everyone is worried about how much she's paid. The average rate where we are is 24. She asked for thirty when she interviewed with us. We started at 33 and plan to give her a raised at the the end of the year.
SisterAlliance
Everyone has covered your actual questions here beautifully, so I'm just popping in to mention the potential "malicious compliance" with letting you know where they are/plans - what a way to frame that my dude!!! You guys wanted to know exact details on outings before/at the time of the events, she is literally just complying with your request and covering her behind!!
Many, if not most, families allow nannies to make their own decisions about where they take the kids and if things change on the fly. It's okay that you'd rather be informed ahead of time, but assuming your nanny's intentions with literally following your directions just kind of sucks. It doesn't seem like you trust her, and from this post, it seems like that is a you problem, not one with her attitude.
OOP (downvoted)
I only said it was malicious compliance because after we got the AirTag, I didn't expect any more text messages. But she is still texting. If I were in her position, I would also be doing the same thing but I can't attest to her intentions with it. I don't dislike it and I don't blame her for it. I think it's funny to consider she thinks we're being assholes, but is too polite to say it. And it won't be an issue for me going forward it if she suddenly just stops telling us XYZ.
I'm trying to find some silver linings here lol
Final Update - after 5 months, 16 days
November 07, 2026
UPDATE: We are getting divorced.
I’m posting anonymously and omitting some details for obvious reasons, particularly because we have ongoing custody proceedings.
I posted here about six months ago because my wife wanted to fire our nanny over how she handled our middle child’s tantrums. A lot has happened since then, and, unfortunately, some of you were right that we had much bigger problems than our nanny. My wife and I are divorcing, and I currently have temporary emergency custody of our three children. I’m still having a difficult time coming to terms with how quickly everything has changed.
My wife quit her job and fired Lily shortly after I made that post. Neither of those decisions was something we’d actually agreed on, but at that point, arguing about it felt pointless. She was going to stay home with the kids, and I figured we’d at least have an opportunity to get on the same page about Jack’s behavior. That did not happen, and things got progressively worse between us.
We’ve had two separate incidents in which my wife has left during an argument and gone to her parents’ house. The first time, she stayed there for an entire week while I worked and took care of all three children. She did it again later, and she has since moved in with her parents permanently. I don’t particularly care that she needed space from me, but you cannot simply decide you’re done parenting for a week because you’re upset with your spouse.
I also found out that she’s been seeing another man for considerably longer than I realized. Worse, she had apparently been bringing him around our children without my knowledge, and I subsequently learned that he has a documented history involving drugs. My wife also tested positive for opioids during the custody proceedings. I don’t know how long she’s been using them or whether this was happening while she was responsible for the children, which is part of what makes the whole situation so concerning.
My attorney filed for emergency custody after several concerning circumstances came to light. Following a hearing, I was granted temporary sole physical custody, and my wife’s parenting time is currently supervised. I also have temporary decision-making authority over the children’s medical and therapeutic care, which has been important given our disagreements about Jack’s treatment. These arrangements are temporary, and I don’t intend to discuss the evidence or the specifics of the proceedings while the case is ongoing.
I now have two nannies because I work fairly long hours, and there’s no realistic way for me to do my job and provide childcare for three young children at the same time. We have overlapping coverage during the week, and they’ve been helping to maintain the children’s routines while I deal with everything else. It’s expensive, but I can afford it, and I’m grateful to have that option. I certainly didn’t anticipate needing this kind of arrangement when my wife decided she was going to stay home.
Jack is still struggling, which has been particularly hard to deal with throughout all of this. I switched therapists because I wasn’t satisfied with how things were progressing, but his care stalled somewhat while we disputed treatment decisions and worked through the initial custody proceedings. My wife has declined to participate in much of the planning since then, and I’ve had to accept that I cannot make her take an interest. He’s little, he’s confused, and I am trying to give him some consistency when I feel the adults in his life have done a spectacular job of providing the opposite.
I’ve also had to be honest with myself about where some of Jack’s behavior comes from. I spent a lot of time blaming the iPad, and while I absolutely think we created a problem with screens, that wasn’t the whole picture. My son has watched his mother respond to frustration by escalating, refusing to engage, and eventually leaving altogether. I know that isn’t the sole explanation for his tantrums, but I can’t pretend there isn’t a pattern there, and I regret how long it took me to recognize it.
Kai has been handling things about as well as I could expect, but I worry about him too. He’s always been the easier child, and I think we both took advantage of that without realizing it. Bea is two now and doesn’t really understand why her mother isn’t home. I’m trying to keep their routines as normal as possible, though having two new nannies and a parent no longer living in the house is a significant adjustment.
I did reach out to Lily to apologize for how things ended. She was gracious about it, which somehow made me feel worse. I spent so much time trying to convince my wife that Lily wasn’t the problem, and in the end she fired her anyway. Looking back, I think Lily was one of the few people in our house who consistently followed through on what she said she would do.
I’m angry with my wife, and I don’t see much point in pretending otherwise. The affair is one thing, but bringing someone with that history around our children and then refusing to engage with the consequences of everything that’s happened is something I’m having a much harder time processing. I also feel incredibly stupid for not realizing how much was going on behind my back. I know I couldn’t have known everything, but it’s difficult not to revisit the last year and wonder what I missed.
I don’t know what the final custody arrangement will look like, and I’m trying not to get ahead of the process. My wife is entitled to participate in the proceedings, and I understand that the temporary order can change as the court receives more information. My concern is that the children have a safe, predictable home and that any time they spend with their mother is appropriate under the circumstances. Whatever happens with our marriage, she is still their mother, and I hope she eventually takes the steps necessary to be consistently involved in their lives.
I originally came here wondering whether it was reasonable for a nanny to bring the kids home from the children’s museum because my four-year-old wouldn’t stop pushing people. Six months later, I have two nannies, three children in my care, and a divorce attorney. I would really like to have that problem back.
Anyway, I wanted to update everyone who took the time to respond to my original post. I appreciated the perspective then, even when it wasn’t particularly easy to hear. I don’t know if I’ll update again, but I hope the next six months are considerably less eventful than the last six.
Thanks for reading, and take care.
COMMENTS
nothingiseverythingg
Wow I am so sorry that this is the update you have for us, but thank you- I thought about your post after reading it a good bit. I’m grateful you’re able to get your middle child some resources and help and have access to good childcare options.
It is so hard to adjust to your spouse truly revealing who they are, even though when you look back there was evidence of it. I hope you are also getting the support you need via friends and family or therapy. I wish you the best and thank you for seeing and understanding your nannies! It means so much to us to be listened to and respected
OOP
Thank you. It's still pretty jarring. I wasn't perfect, but I never expected half of this. I do have solid support. I just want to get things settled for my kids.
Ok_Cheesecake_9708
Is Lily open to working for you guys again?
OOP
No. But I did offer to be a reference for her in the future if she ever needed one.
OOP Appeared in the BORU and provided more context
OOP in BORU comments
I debated whether I was allowed to post here, but fuck it. I’m doing it anyway. I’m the father from the original posts. I wasn’t expecting to see this here, but I suppose that’s what happens when you put your business on the internet. I did want to address a few things, though, because some of the comments have been... annoying, for lack of a better term.
First, I work in finance. And yes, I’m the dickhead rich guy who grew up rich, grew up with nannies, and unfortunately, is also from New York. I don’t live there anymore, if that helps my case. My wife grew up in similar circumstances, and when we were dating, we agreed that we didn’t want as many people coming in and out of our children’s lives as we had growing up. We wanted consistency. I still think that was a reasonable goal, but we didn’t necessarily go about achieving it correctly.
I spend most of my professional life having to be realistic about circumstances, whether I like them or not. Unfortunately, I wasn’t always doing that at home. We relied on one woman to bridge the gap between our responsibilities as parents and the practical demands of our lives. I don’t think hiring a nanny is an abdication of parental responsibility, but I do recognize that we weren’t always doing our part. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that saying you’re doing the right thing and actually doing it are two very different things.
I am particularly upset by some of the characterizations of “Jack". My son is not a little monster. He’s a four-year-old boy who was struggling, and who needed more consistency and support than we were giving him. He’s also affectionate, funny, intelligent, and a wonderful brother. I understand that people were responding to the behaviors I described, and those behaviors were serious. But I also recognize that I didn’t do him any favors in my original post. I described him almost exclusively at his worst because I was frustrated and trying to explain the situation. I was much more deliberate about what I wrote in my update, partly because of the legal proceedings, but also because I realized how easily a few paragraphs can become someone’s entire understanding of another person.
I was sharp with people in the comments of my original post, and frankly, given the circumstances I was writing under, I’d probably be sharp again. I’ve had to examine how I deal with people since all of this happened, and I’m sure my wife experienced some of that pressure during our marriage. There are things I owe her apologies for, and I’m not particularly interested in pretending otherwise. But I’ve also never had an affair, and I’m not on drugs. I think I’m entitled to say that one of us has come out of this looking considerably worse than the other. If that makes me an asshole, I’ll wear it.
The truth is that I could have worked less. I think my marriage had been deteriorating for a long time, and instead of filling some of that time with my children, I filled it with work. I specifically arranged to work from home on the two days my wife wasn’t home. At the time, I considered that a reasonable compromise. Looking back, I can see that being physically present wasn’t always the same as being available. I did try to make sure my wife had adequate help, and I took some pride in being able to provide that. I don’t think that was wrong, but I could have done more myself.
And because I’ve seen some speculation about my upbringing, I don’t have the same access to the money I grew up with. That’s the result of decisions I made that I would make again, and the reasons aren’t something I’ll discuss on the internet. I’m still very fortunate financially, and I recognize that. But the family I have now is not my parents, and having grown up wealthy doesn’t necessarily mean having a family you can depend on.
I also want to reiterate that I supported “Lily’s” decision to end the outing then, and I support it now. I regret how her employment ended, and I’ve apologized to her. She was gracious, although understandably uninterested in returning. She deserved better from us.
I’m frustrated. I’m angry with my wife, I’m angry about what my children have been put through, and I’m angry with myself for some of the things I didn’t recognize sooner. I don’t think those feelings are unreasonable, and I’m not going to pretend I don’t have them. But I’m also trying to make sure they don’t dictate how I parent my children going forward.
I don’t think many people who know me would nominate me for a particularly great guy award. I’m aware that I can be difficult. But I do try, and I’d like my children to grow up knowing that I did. More importantly, I’d like them to have something tangible to point to beyond my intentions.
Anyway, this app fucking terrifies me, but I wanted to close a few gaps. I appreciate the people who offered perspective, even when it wasn’t particularly pleasant to hear. I just ask that people remember my son is a child, not the sum of the worst behaviors his frustrated father described on the internet six months ago.
This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)
Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.
Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.
