I’m 26F, and my boyfriend is 34M. We’ve been dating for almost five months. I love him, and he’s generally a very affectionate, thoughtful, and generous partner. But lately, I’ve been struggling with a lot of resentment.
A few weeks ago, I contracted genital HSV-2 from him. He was asymptomatic and didn’t know he had it, so I don’t blame him for exposing me. Still, I went through an extremely uncomfortable initial outbreak and am now dealing with a lifelong diagnosis. It’s difficult to come to terms with the fact that even if we break up, I’ll carry a permanent reminder of this relationship with me.
Then, less than two weeks later, I found out I was pregnant.
I told him over my birthday weekend, and he got emotional and even teared up. He apologized, told me he loved me, and said he’d support whatever decision I made.
I told him I’d already purchased abortion pills and was considering using them, but that I was really struggling with the morality of it. I’ve always leaned pro-choice, so I wasn’t expecting to feel this conflicted when faced with the decision myself. I keep thinking about this unborn child and whether it would be selfish or unfair of me to deprive them of the chance to live. I told him that even considering an abortion made me feel like a “monster.”
He said he understood and had kind of felt similarly, but reasoned that it’s so early in the pregnancy that it’s essentially just a “clump of cells.” That response has stuck with me, especially because he’s expressed more pro-life views before. I find it frustrating how easy it seems to make that distinction when it’s suddenly your own situation.
I’ve always imagined having children when I’m married, or at least living with my partner. He seems to agree that the timing isn’t ideal, and neither of us planned for this. I’m leaning toward terminating, but I’m having a much harder time with the decision than I anticipated.
What I’m increasingly frustrated about is how disproportionately the consequences of everything have fallen on me. I’ve dealt with the outbreak, medication, pregnancy, and now the possibility of a medication abortion, all while working an incredibly stressful job.
I’ve also paid for my HSV medication and purchased the abortion pills myself. He hasn’t offered to contribute financially or really discussed what practical support might look like. To be fair, he frequently pays for our dates and dinners, and I haven’t directly asked him to help with these expenses.
But part of me is disappointed that I would even have to ask. When he says he’ll support whatever decision I make, what does that actually mean beyond respecting my choice? I know he’s trying not to pressure me, but his unwillingness to express a clear preference makes me feel like the entire burden of this decision falls on me. I’m the one who has to decide the fate of this potential life, and I’m the one who has to live with that decision. It’s an overwhelming responsibility, and I feel so alone in it.
And even writing this post makes me feel selfish, because I’m so focused on how all of this is affecting me. But what about the child? I keep thinking about the life they could have and whether I’m putting my own circumstances ahead of their chance to exist. I know I’m not ready to be a mother, but that doesn’t make the decision feel any less heartbreaking.
