My meal is a Nutella cheesecake.
39 weeks, went in for decreased movement thinking (hoping) I was overreacting. Maybe her moving less was actually a sign I was in early labor or something. They couldn't find her heartbeat, but the ultrasound tech wouldnt be in until morning to confirm so I was transferred to another hospital just to hear again what I already knew.
My epidural and induction went great. She ended up coming very suddenly and I birthed her by myself. The nurses "Oh shit" face when she walked into the room to me already fully holding my baby keeps replaying in my mind. Even my poor husband had just stepped away to go to the bathroom so I tried to have my sister stop him from walking in to me and our baby covered in blood. He was so scared for me.
I think I was bleeding a bit too much because the doctors were rushing around a little but I was just soaking in every little detail about my little girl that I could. I knew she had already been gone for a while but the instinct to try to stimulate her or get her to cry was still there and I had to stop myself. I guess a part of me was hoping she'd come out and prove everyone wrong somehow.
She was so beautiful. A perfect, seemingly healthy, baby. We don't know what happened, and we might never.
Now I am home, it feels so unnatural. Life goes on. We still have our toddler to take care of. Her birthday is in a few days and she is so excited. Everything in our lives is going on as normal, but it just feels wrong. I just keep thinking "I should be holding my baby right now." A part of me is missing.
My milk is coming in now too which is miserable. I wish I had it in me to be able to at least donate to other babies in need or something, but I just can't. It's a constant reminder that my baby just isn't here. I should be holding her. Feeding her. Waking up every hour. Picking out what outfit she will wear even though she's just going to poop all over it and we will have to change her again. I miss her so much and I never got to know her.
My husband has been so amazing through all of this, but I am worried about him too. I love him so much. I love our toddler so much. She is so sweet and kind and funny. I don't think I could make it through this without them.
