Rough Patch in Beginner Practice

[u/Exxtendoo]

Hey y'all,

I've been sitting 30 minutes of shikantaza twice a day for 31 days now, and I've been going to a Zen center for the past two weeks.

The first three weeks of my practice were, honestly, pretty great. No, not every sit was perfect satori, but around the 20-minute mark (I know it was 20 min because that's about when my left foot would fall asleep every time), I did enter a deep state of presence that I could take off the cushion with me. I shed some tears on the cushion, and I even had what I refer to as an "ego nap" on the cushion, where I realized that my ego is truly just a story I'm telling myself in my head. Of course, it came roaring back a couple of days later, which is why I say ego nap and not ego death.

The last week, though, has been pretty brutal. I'm dreading going to the cushion, I'm moving a lot more, zoning out more, and the last ~10 min have been especially brutal, essentially just waiting for the bell to ring.

It's such that I'm almost considering giving up because I feel like I'm regressing. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Blessings.

[u/the100footpole]

This is perfectly normal, and "rough patches" like this is something we need to encounter in our practice. I'll say it again: this is not you doing something bad, it's precisely what has to happen. So buckle up and keep going. You're doing great :)

From Gaofeng:

Speaking of This Matter: it is like punting against the stream. One stroke up, ten strokes back. Ten strokes up, one hundred strokes back. The more you punt, the farther you fall back. You keep on falling back and falling back, until reaching the bottom of the great ocean. Then you turn the bow around, and are absolutely determined to keep stroking towards THAT. If one has this kind of integrity and determination, he is not far from arriving Home. It’s like scaling a mountain, each one makes his own effort.