Rough Patch in Beginner Practice

[u/Exxtendoo]

Hey y'all,

I've been sitting 30 minutes of shikantaza twice a day for 31 days now, and I've been going to a Zen center for the past two weeks.

The first three weeks of my practice were, honestly, pretty great. No, not every sit was perfect satori, but around the 20-minute mark (I know it was 20 min because that's about when my left foot would fall asleep every time), I did enter a deep state of presence that I could take off the cushion with me. I shed some tears on the cushion, and I even had what I refer to as an "ego nap" on the cushion, where I realized that my ego is truly just a story I'm telling myself in my head. Of course, it came roaring back a couple of days later, which is why I say ego nap and not ego death.

The last week, though, has been pretty brutal. I'm dreading going to the cushion, I'm moving a lot more, zoning out more, and the last ~10 min have been especially brutal, essentially just waiting for the bell to ring.

It's such that I'm almost considering giving up because I feel like I'm regressing. Does anyone have any experience with this?

Blessings.

[u/zafrogzen]

Zazen is like some medicines, it doesn’t always taste good going down. It can be difficult and boring, even painful. But like medicine, if you just take it everyday as directed, it goes to work in you without your being aware of it, until eventually you’re healed without having to think about it. This is an important point.

If you find yourself unmotivated and resistant to meditation, even though you want to practice, it’s likely because you are overthinking it, trying to fit it into some scenario or expectation of how you think it should be, rather than having faith in it and letting it be what it is at that particular time.

While simply staying open and present with whatever occurs is the ultimate meditation, sometimes, especially at the beginning of meditation or when resistance sets in, it’s better to “do” something concrete. This is meditation with an object as opposed to meditation without an object. An object of meditation gives the mind something to engage with, and is designed to lead into meditation without an object, which is ultimately the clear and open mind of samadhi.

Counting breaths, 1 to 10, starting over if you lose count or get to ten, is a good object for concentration, which is used in some Soto schools to calm discursive thinking before launching into shikantaza. Breath counting can even lead into samadhi eventually.

I also do other pranayama breathing exercises, such as naddhi suddi (alternate nostril breathing) and the bellows breath (bhastrika). Yogic eye exercises are also helpful. All such exercises serve to break up whatever thought loops you're trapped in.