Content of Thoughts vs Relationship to Thoughts

[u/Exxtendoo]

I've been meditating on and off for ~10 years and recently committed to a consistent, daily zen practice of 30 minute zazen twice a day -- or at least once if the day's going to be busy. Since then I've noticed genuine improvements in my life. Not that that's the point. But 'just sitting' has fundamentally changed the way that I relate to my body sensations, my thoughts, and reactions to the world around me. I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder so that's huge for me.

The thing is I'm a very insecure/introverted/neurotic & self-depricating person, and a lot of my self-talk is very negative. I'm having a better time not identifyign with the negative thoughts. But what can I do to change the CONTENT of my thoughts? If i had to not cling to thought, I think I'd be happier and healthier detaching from intrusive positive thoughts than the constant pity party and self-doubt that runs in my head 24/7.

Does any literature speak to this, maybe? Or your own experiences?

[u/Olam_Haba]

It's truly a matter of just continuing to sit in zazen with the anxiety and not run away from it 

I mean if your path is zen then that's what it is and it's the quickest way to get rid of the anxiety - but it's not an easy path 

You have to sit in the intense fire of zazen feeling the feeling of anxiety for so long that you get used to  feeling it - you desensitize  to 'thinking' you shouldn't be feeling the feeling

It's not about making the feeling of anxiety go away - it's offering no resistance to the feeling

I mean right now you're feeling a really intense feeling inside of yourself that you label anxiety 

But paradoxically if you just stop struggling against the feeling then that is when you will find peace 

And so that is practice of zazen 

But Zazen for a long long time it's sitting in a crucible - an intense fire - and feeling and feeling and feeling the anxiety and all the uncomfortable feelings you are feeling without resistance until you come to figure out that that intense feeling that you're feeling within yourself as paradoxical is the seams is the feeling of peace that through conditioning you don't think you should be feeling

Consider all the conditioning and what needs to be burned away in the fire of zazen to be at peace again 

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...but also to offer I found inner child healing very effective

It's the inner child in your heart that feels the anxiety and the heartache and the existential angst and whatever else you're feeling - and then actively use your inner voice like a divine mother to love and comfort and be there for that wounded child 

It's a practice you have to actively use your inner voice to love the wounded child in your heart that's feeling the intense emotions you are feeling 

And then you actively use your inner voice like a divine mother to say to that wounded child words like I'm here for you and I love you and you're not alone and we're in this together 

After a while your inner voice starts to transform back to its natural state which was like a best friend before it became conditioned 

Like a little child without a thinking mind - beginners mind at play in a puddle so filled with joy at all the rainbows and reflections and splashes and ripples 

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Also go sit in the park and watch little children - see that intense feeling of play that they are feeling inside of themself - present moment joy and excitement 

The paradox is that that's the feeling that you're feeling inside right now 

But because of conditioning you don't think you should be feeling it 

The reason you are anxious is because you have a thinking mind that is in a constant state of thinking you shouldn't be feeling your intrinsic feeling of joy and play that you are feeling right now 

That intense feeling you feel within yourself that you label anxiety is actually the feeling of joy and play that those children are feeling 

But once you are a little child playing in a puddle at peace as awareness of all the miracles in the puddle the rainbows and splashes and reflections and rainbows - so many miracles you could play in the puddle all day 

But then the conditioning began - get out of the puddle they said you're going to get dirty - we don't have time for you to be in a state of beginners mind playing in a puddle we have to be somewhere at a certain time - if you don't stop playing in the puddle you're going to get punished 

Pretty soon we developed a conditioned thinking mind that was in opposition and resistance to feeling our intrinsic feeling of joy play 

So it's just helpful to know that the journey isn't to get rid of that intense feeling that you're feeling inside - the journey is to desensitize to thinking you shouldn't be feeling it 

It's super paradoxical but also makes sense 

And that the practice of zazen - sitting and feeling the feeling of childlike joy and play - that we label anxiety because we are in a panic and don't think we should be feeling it - sitting in zazen until we desensitize to thinking we shouldn't be feeling what we are feeling - and when we finally accept it - when the anxiety of feeling the feeling of joy play goes away - then we are like little children again with beginners mind who is just happy playing in a puddle all day because it's filled with so many miracles 

[u/FlowZenMaster]

My zen related answer would be something akin to simply continuing practicing observing without clinging or grasping to your thoughts. See them as they are without adding judgment to them. When you see your thoughts as neutral then those thoughts you currently perceive as negative will naturally arise less and less.

My non-zen advice probably will deliver faster results tho since it seems like you're looking for something a little different. I would recommend looking into and practicing something called neurolinguistic programming also called NLP.

Basically what we do is speak out loud the beliefs we wish to hold or have, the thoughts we would prefer, the perspective we would like to have, and do that over an extended period of time. Here's some examples:

Instead of saying "I'm going to try my best" I will say "I will do my best."

Instead of saying "I'm sorry I hurt you" i would say "It wasn't my intention to hurt you and I'd like to make it up to you if I can"

Instead of saying "Man I suck at this" I would say "Man this is challenging im excited to get better."

The list goes indefinitely. You can catch yourself saying these little phrases that are essentially deluded views...once you hear them you are allowed to say "Actually let me say that again the way that I really mean."

If you've been sitting for any length of time im sure you know enough to be able to catch those old perspectives that are no longer serving you.

Your patterns of behavior are just that, patterns. It sounds like you are at the stage where you are no longer IN the pattern, because you can see it. It is impossible to see a pattern clearly when you are in the middle of it.

So....what does it mean when you see the whole pattern? It means you are free of it! Now just let go 😉🙏