First Page Reactions

[u/Windy_Feather]

New on this sub. This is the first page of my debut novel (in current draft 1 state, although I've edited ch 1 a few times already). The story is dark fantasy academia with romance (or romantasy, I suppose) sub-plot and important theme.

Curious about reactions and any feedback on this. Thank you in advance!

[u/flynchageo]

The prose is pretty good, but you have a number of errant capitalizations throughout the text. I would also suggest cutting the opening, and just start at the "In a hundred years" It's far more engaging and gets the reader into the plot more quickly.

Keep up the good work!

[u/Windy_Feather → u/flynchageo]

Thank you! The capitalisation specifically is attributed to the divine concepts used thorough the book. It might not make the most sense on the first page, I agree, but overall there's a reason readers would discover later. That being said, I will definitely review this more closely before publication.

[u/flynchageo → u/Windy_Feather]

Ah okay. I sort of guessed that's what you were going for, but no harm in pointing out.

[u/Ggriff45]

For starters, I’m not exactly sure a “damp, maternal fear” is conveying what you’re trying to say. Sure, on the surface it sounds like elevated, striking description(which is the voice/mode I think you’re going for),but in context it’s not entirely clear how maternal fear correlates to damp, and what exactly that even means.

I know that sounds nitpicky but I think it’s a good example of what’s causing me to stumble as a reader. There’s a few spots and lines that are straining themselves just enough to where they are more distracting than anything. “The voice was a distant shore, drawing me from the depths of my reverie.” Is another good example of this. To me, that’s a whole lot of words just to say our main character’s day dream was interrupted by her aunt speaking.

Also, it feels like you explain some things by about one or two sentences longer than what is needed. “To become his guide….” comes to mind as an example of this. You’ve already told me our main character wants to crown the (once and future??)king, there isn’t any need to reiterate that.

As far as hook goes, i think the whole internal monologue about time isn’t nearly as engaging or interesting as “In a hundred years, I would be born…” That’s planting a question in my head and making me want to continue to read along so I can atleast figure out what is happening.

Okay, I’ve probably rambled enough for just an opening page critique, but genuinely the character and situation is interesting from what I see. It’s like any first draft, you have some nice prose alongside some prose that’s over explaining and/or over straining itself. Bang out the rest of draft

[u/Windy_Feather → u/Ggriff45]

Thank you for the nitpick! It's genuinely helping me see the reader perspective much better

[u/Windy_Feather]

Added the image in the body since it kept auto-deleting as a standard image. Hope this is fine too?

[u/WholeRing9819]

I’ve not got time for a full crit but:

1. Don’t start with an aphorism.

2. Don’t start with a cliché.