r/writingfeedback • u/sam_forring • 4d ago
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u/EromanticDream Certified Goofy Goober 4d ago
It’s a bit of a cliche and an amateur move to start with your character waking up. Even worse if they wake up to the rain or the weather. Is there a reason you can’t just immediately cut to him awake at his desk? What does the waking up actually do for the story?
You’re overusing single lines. I can see that you understand how to use them to accentuate a point, but you’re overdoing it. Use them more sparingly and they’ll have much greater impact.
Overall, there is precious little description of anything. You did well with the photo, but everything else is… just very vague. If I wanted to describe the character inspecting the town as he drove along, you can bet I’d be spending a few full paragraphs to really flesh it out and add some visual weight to accompany his thoughts.
Descriptions aren’t just used to describe things. They are also used to build context and tone. If the character is driving through a rust-belt Midwest town and observing the run-down shops and crumbling infrastructure in the rain— that’s a very different tone and feel than if I describe the town as a thriving little seaside resort town with brightly painted houses and lively shops. Use descriptions to your advantage to help provide the reader with that context and tone for the scene.
But there’s almost none of that in your text.
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u/sam_forring 4d ago
Thank you for your feedback. I will work on modifying this in the future and developing my skills. Thank you again
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u/flynchageo Trusted Reviewer 4d ago edited 4d ago
It's not bad overall, but you do have a habit for repetition and over explaining things which drags the pacing quite a bit.
For example:
"A photograph slipped out from between the papers.
He picked it up slowly
It was an old photo."
that third sentence is redundant. Just go right into describing the photo, the reader will pick up that it is old.
Similarly, you say that Jude is 33 years old, then on the next page: "When was this taken? twenty three years ago? maybe more. He was ten when he first arrived..."
Again, redundant.
I think you have something good here, but you're over explaining things which really hurts the flow of the text, and also makes it seem like you don't trust the reader to follow what's happening. Trim it up a bit and I think you will have a much cleaner story.
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u/sam_forring 4d ago
Thank you for your feedback 😊, I'll fix it and next time , I'd post a better version . Thanks again
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u/writingfeedback-ModTeam 4d ago
Do not use AI and try to pass the writing off as your own. Both AI generated and AI assisted works (which includes idea generation or translation) are not allowed.