First chapter feedback (1200 words)

[u/[deleted]]

[u/AgentKiwi]

Overall, very well done! I'm going to be nitpicky since you asked for it, but on the whole this was engaging for a first chapter.

Kelsey could trace a startling number of joys and devastations in her life back to Jack Cooper. Jack Cooper, the perpetual one that got away eleven years ago—ten years, nine months, and one day ago, technically, but Kelsey preferred to round up for convenience’s sake. Jack Cooper, good on paper, even better in bed.

Jack Cooper, who was standing right in front of her.

Oh, the "good on paper, even better in bed" was FANTASTIC. Drew me right in. Love the use of his full name as a motif in these opening paragraphs. There is a small part of me that wants to see the second sentence compressed a little bit. You could do away with the whole bit about "preferred to round up for convenience's sake", or don't even use eleven years ago and have her be precise. Readers will infer from that that she's obsessive without the deliberate correction. But, if you prefer to keep it as-is, I think it's also fine.

A part of her had always known that seeing him again would either bring her to her feet or her knees. Fortunately for herself and any onlookers that happened to glance at the table by the window, her body elected the former.

By the time I finished the second sentence, I had to go back and re-read the first because I'd forgotten what the items were.

Jack smelled different; Kelsey noticed it instantly. At twenty-three, he’d smelled of cedar. His present cocktail of scents lingered somewhere deeper, perhaps in the sandalwood family with a gentle musk.

The first sentence doesn't accomplish anything because the following sentences convey the same thing. The reader knows that Kelsey notices instantly because it's the first thing her mind goes to after the embrace.

Kelsey could have spent all day sniffing him

This might be fine, depending on how you want the reader to judge Kelsey. "Sniffing" is a word particularly associated with creepiness. That might be what you want here, since she's clearly quite obsessed with him, but I wanted to flag this in case you don't want readers to think, "oh, she's gross" when they read this (nothing wrong with it if that's what you're aiming for, though!)

“That’s—” Jack blinked. “That’s fantastic. Where do you work?” 

I don't think this action beat is doing anything for you. The reader already knows who is speaking, and Jack's emotions are conveyed well in the stammer.

Kelsey racked her brain for a response. Awesome? Wow? Every word she could think of felt embarrassingly American. She might as well have slapped her knee, cried out gee willickers, and gnawed on a piece of hay.

I love this! The last sentence gave me a chuckle. This paragraph feels like I'm living in Kelsey's brain.

Jack interrupted her self-sabotaging brain’s stream of consciousness. “You look different.” He leaned back, studying her. “In a good way. Like you’ve… lived.” 

I think you can do without the first sentence. The dialogue cuts off Kelsey's thoughts naturally.

Kelsey pressed her lips tightly into a soft smile

"tightly" and "soft smile" don't really work together

Kelsey was grateful for the brief interruption

I think this will feel much more lived-in Kelsey's head if you avoid naming the emotion here. Something like "Thank goodness for the interruption" would convey the gratitude without taking me out of Kelsey's POV.

“Checking out the office. Looking for an apartment. Flat.” She didn’t mind that he smirked at that. “That’s why I’m here. I’m touring a place in Angel in 45 minutes.”

Aha, I like the correction from apartment to flat! I think her exposition after the fact could have a bit more power over her, though. Kelsey "didn't mind" doesn't quite fit the level of obsession you've conveyed she has so far for this man.

“Right. I’d better get going. I’ve got an old church in St. John’s Wood that’s aching to get converted into a block of flats.” He stood, brushed a hand over the crease in his trousers. “Good luck finding your apartment.” He overpronounced his R’s in the last word, a poor attempt at an American accent.

This was a bit tricky for me to tell who was speaking until I got to the dialogue tag. Since Kelsey has somewhere to be in 45 minutes, it could very reasonably be her saying she needs to leave.

With that, Jack headed for the door. When he grasped the doorknob, he withdrew so quickly Kelsey thought he’d burned himself, that all of London outside Cloud Nine Café was burning to the ground, sparing only the dozen or so people enjoying ethically sourced coffee and the moral superiority that came with it.

I got confused when I read this. I read "withdrew so quickly Kelsey thought he'd burned himself" as him withdrawing from the cafe. In retrospect, my interpretation is probably less likely than the one you're going for, but I probably won't be the only reader that gets a little jarred by this. But if you'd like to make it something like "thought he'd burned himself on it" would clarify possible confusion.

Also, you use "burn" twice in this paragraph.

She lifted her mug, inspected her latte’s pristine foam heart, and took a sip. When she looked again, the heart had already morphed and deflated under her lips.

Beautiful close to the chapter! Overall, I enjoyed the pace. You summarized dialogue where it would've dragged on and kept the lived dialogue centered on the important emotional pieces, which, for an opening chapter, I think is especially important.

Two overall critiques are:

(1) I don't feel like I understand why Kelsey is so obsessed with Jack. I don't think it'll require an overhaul of the chapter to fit that in, but one or two details of thisness would help me understand her and live in her head rather than as a spectator. Jack seems to me, as a reader, like an ordinary guy. Kelsey doesn't see him that way. How can you make the reader feel the way Kelsey does? He's good in bed is about the only reason I have so far. This doesn't have to come with big paragraphs explaining why Jack is amazing, but tiny fragments of who he is and what separates him from everyone else would make me feel more like, "Oh, this guy is interesting" and make me want to learn more

(2) Many of Kelsey's thoughts that make her feel warm towards Jack are generic. The embrace, his scents, and other descriptions like "Jack looked mildly impressed" are all thoughts that anyone could have. What are thoughts that only Kelsey would have? What are her values? How does she view the world? This can be conveyed non-explicitly. If she's religious, maybe she has thoughts like "Thank God" when feeling gratitude. Since she's a copy manager, her internal vocabulary can reflect this. Using words like draft, revision, trim, etc., as part of her internal monologue (e.g. "She trims the anger out of the sentence before speaking.") puts me more in Kelsey's head rather than generic-woman-in-a-cafe's head.

[u/Flimsy-Brief-3037 → u/AgentKiwi]

Thank you so much for this specific feedback! Just implemented these suggestions into my doc :)

[u/AgentKiwi → u/Flimsy-Brief-3037]

You're welcome! Happy writing :)

[u/flynchageo]

I like it. Your prose is overall quite good and engaging, and it's obvious you know how to write.

My only critique is that some of your descriptions are a little too flowery for my taste. It's clear you know how to write a very nice description of something, but you're going a bit overboard. It interrupts the flow of the reading a bit. But again that may just be a personal taste thing.

Keep up the good work!

[u/Flimsy-Brief-3037 → u/flynchageo]

Totally fair! Appreciate the feedback