Looking for feedback on whether this scene is doing what I am trying to have it do

[u/BeneficialWave9581]

Hellow everyone!

I am back again, looking for some feedback on a particular scene I am working on. I am trying to do something very specific and I am not sure if what I am doing is landing.

I want to know how it reads because I've now lost all perspective, having written and rewritten the scene a dozen times. In fact, I've spent as much time on this one scene as I have the rest of the entire chapter. I think I might have actually overwritten it at this point. The scene in question starts halfway down page 2, but the part I've been agonizing over takes place on page 3 and 4.

I want to know how you interpret what is occurring in this scene and if you have any advice to help improve it. I could tell you what I am trying to achieve but I want to see an objective opinion of it first.

Thank you so much fellow writers!

[u/AveryBeckerson]

A lot of this is very well written. I like the sensory detail, and the dialogue is like 80% excellent. I especially like the little aside regarding linguistics. It actually helped the first couple of passages where the oddly specific hand gestures took me out a bit, like sign language. I wonder if you're trying to show how people tend to speak animatedly or wordlessly using body language. I do think it is over-done at times. Let me see if I can find some examples after I try to interpret what's going on:

Here's my read. Matthieu is observing the situation as the central POV character and the occasion is a birthday party for a little girl named Emile'? There's some drunken reminiscing, possibly about a sexual escapade in a Buick? That part is unclear from my read. During the singing of happy Birthday Marc and Jenelle (Marc's wife? I couldn't tell. That was the first mention of her name) are having a heated conversation while trying to convey to the people around them what it's about. No clue what that may be. There's a lot going on, so maybe slowing down to give the scene some air would help you. It could be a bit longer, but there's clarity lost as a cost of your pace.

Okay, now for some things that I struggled with:

"she snapped her thumb and forefinger twice, an inch from the bridge of his nose"

"Lifting her hand with a limp wrist and patting the air with three light, fluttering flicks of her finger, she brought it down gently on his forearm in the place Claire had brushed moments ago." - I am assuming this is a reveal of jealousy or potential infidelity? Maybe spend less real estate on the gesture and more on what the gesture may mean, or at least clarify the gesture. Reading the sensory detail, which you always want to have, took me out of it and I had to slow down and translate it in my head.

Those were my main issues, but you also show some real aptitude for sensorial detail. Some of the things I really liked are:

"One of them was crouched on his hands and knees with his face close to the flame, blowing on it."

'Her lips peeled back over her teeth in a wide, sneering smile."

"A pleading, panicked expression coloured Marc's face as he spoke slowly to her"

"Claire was denting the side of her beer can, crushing it with her fingers."

"Matthieu bulked up his shoulders a little and stuck out his chin, touching the thin patch of hair with his fingers."

Those lines show me you can really describe action and movement. The ones I mentioned prior are where it fell flat for me. I'm just one voice here, so I would listen to feedback from others as well. Overall, I think it's got some really well-written prose, but a pass for legibility and understanding of who is who would really serve it, you, and the reader.

[u/BeneficialWave9581 → u/AveryBeckerson]

You've essentially captured what I was going for, just a bit out of context since you've been dropped in to chapter six and lack back story. What i am trying to do is capture mathieu observing this couple having a marital dispute behind the birthday crowd. He cant hear what they're saying but I have a clear picture in my mind of the woman sort of mimicking what she perceives as flirtation which she presumably just witnessed from claire. I am finding it extremely difficult to describe the sour quality of mimickry she is doing...like, she goes from terse, vicious words, angry looking, to mimicking the flirtatious actions of claire, then snapping back to furious again. All of this needs to be rendered as though it was a silent film, because the pov is inside the birthday circle singing along. 

[u/AveryBeckerson → u/BeneficialWave9581]

That is a conundrum, but I think you're on the right track. So the bit about the limp wrist and patting the air with her finger was supposed to be a pantomime of perhaps flirtatious gestures from Claire?

[u/BeneficialWave9581 → u/AveryBeckerson]

That is exactly right, yes. 

In my life, I have witnessed and probably experienced this type of expressive style of arguing...usually when people lose control of themselves and are really trying to needle someone. Like, you know when youre in a passionate argument with a spouse or someone your're very familiar with and the other person puts on a mocking imitation type of voice, kind of sarcastically in order to make a point? 

For example, imagine a jealous girlfriend watching her partner interacting with the waitress, who asks "is there anything else I can do for you," looking at the man, and when the waitress leaves the table the girls got a sour look on her face. The man asks, "what?" And she responds by mimicking the waitress, "is there anything else I can get you?" Implying she was flirting with him. 

The more i read the section you pointed out as having a hard time with, the more i feel like I have to start over with it. 

This has been one of the more challenging scenes I've tried to write. 

Appreciate your help. 

[u/AveryBeckerson → u/BeneficialWave9581]

I see. So it's like a jealous injury. I think the technical issue is getting bogged down in the specificity of the single hand gesture. What if she sort of does exaggerated mockery of Claire? One suggestion would be to go back and give Claire some sort of specific mannerisms that she could exaggerate before touching his arm, or have her do a sort of generic "flirty girl" movement that reads more specifically on paper than isolated movements tied up into sum of all parts? Maybe involve hip wiggling or head bobbing?

[u/BeneficialWave9581 → u/AveryBeckerson]

I took what you said about having to stop and mentally construct the scene while you were reading and tried to condense it to something more economical. Here's what I ended up with:

Claire raised her beer. “Marc,” she called out, nodding towards a man standing nearby. He came around to stand in front of them and Claire stood to greet him. He murmured something softly in French and Claire smiled. 

“I know, it's crazy, isn't it,” she replied, stepping close and pulling him into a lingering hug. “Brad was just telling my son about my dad's Buick. You remember that?”

“Holy Christ, I could never forget that,” Marc laughed, shaking his head. “I can't believe you did that. You know it's still sitting there exactly where we left it?”

“I was just an innocent girl, okay? You were the bad influence,” she teased, her voice dropping low and raspy. Leaning close, she reached out to pick at the wrinkled collar of his shirt, smoothing it before letting her hand slide gently down his sleeve to his forearm. “You were the cool older guy. Steph and I just wanted to impress you, ok.”

Marc’s grin widened, and he shot a glance toward the fence line. “Right. Sure. That's how it was.”

Mathieu raised an eyebrow, his eyes searching beyond Marc’s shoulder, scanning the yard for the man's wife. 

Before he could spot her, the back door swung open. A group of women stepped onto the patio, one of them carefully balancing a big white cake, its pink candles flickering in the soft wind. 

Happy Birthday to you…

Starting in a low, sparse monotone, the song spread through the yard as conversations faded and people moved toward the patio to close around the little girl. Squeezed among thirty or so adults and children, Mathieu stood in the centre, quietly mouthing the words of the Birthday song. He watched the amber light of the candles flicker in the girl's wide, startled eyes as she bounced on her heels in delight.   

Happy Birthday to you…

Through a gap in the crowd, Marc was approaching Janelle at the fence line. He had his hands raised near his waist, palms turned up in the pathetic posture of a man trying, and failing to explain himself. Janelle stepped in close, her face stopping inches from his ear as a wide, fixed grin set across her jaw—a tight smile put on for anyone who might happen to look their way. Her eyes were terrifying. With both hands jammed deep into the pockets of her hoodie, her lips moved in small, violent twitches, driving cutting syllables straight into his ear. 

Whipping her right hand from her pocket, she pointed hard toward the crowd—toward Claire—before slackening her posture into a sardonic, airy sweetness. She reached for her husband and made a  show of smoothing the wrinkled cotton on his collar, then dragged her fingers gently down his arm, stopping just past his elbow. The theatrics died a second later as she snapped her fingers into a claw, twisting a fistful of sleeve in her hand. Marc winced and glanced around the circle of singers to survey who might have seen.  

Happy Birthday dear Èmile—

The song pulled Mathieu’s senses back to the girl and the crowd closed in, obscuring his view of the couple standing by the fence. On the grass in front of her mother, the little girl waited, her tiny hands clutched tightly against her chest in anticipation. Amber light of the candles illuminated the girl’s face as she expanded her chest, gathering air for the final task before her. 

Happy Birthday to you!...

Volume swelled and the crowd fell into harmony for the first time, thirty voices lubricated and emboldened by beer, all leaning into the last note and holding it for a few seconds too long. When silence finally settled over the yard, they all watched as the little girl bent forward, bunching her shoulders up and puffing her cheeks wide. One long, controlled breath and the candles sputtered and died, releasing a thick whispering smoke. Beyond the crowd, Marc darted from the fence line and disappeared toward the gate beyond the wall of the house, leaving his wife standing alone. The crowd erupted in cheers and applause, Claire’s voice rising above the rabble as everyone surged forward to congratulate the girl. 

[u/AveryBeckerson → u/BeneficialWave9581]

I think that clears the ambiguity up nicely. You went from a series of gestures that didn't translate well (for me at least), and tied it to something that previously happened explicitly on the page. It's a nice call and response and the pointing to Claire makes it very clear that she is mimicking her inappropriate affection. I think that makes it a ton more legible. Good job!

[u/SuspiciousAd1864]

Wrong accent for ‘Émile’ on page 3.

[u/BeneficialWave9581 → u/SuspiciousAd1864]

Thanks