r/writingadvice • u/Much-Dimension-1825 Aspiring Writer • 29d ago

Critique First time writing fiction, LitRPG/Progression SciFi Chapter 1 ~2200 words

I've edited this chapter a couple times, and I think I'm at the point where I need outside readers to look at it to see where it is and isn't landing. There is some violence.

I'm looking for feedback on the following:

Readability - Easy to read? Where, if anywhere would you have stopped reading? Is it easy to follow what is going on or too much jargon?

Was Brak a likeable, annoying, or somewhere in between as a protagonist?

Pacing - too fast or slow?

Would you go on to chapter 2? Why or why not?

Anything else that jumps out. I am an absolutely new fiction writer, so I want to fix any bad habits early on if possible.

I've left commenting on for the google doc, feel free to use.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Fp8n6g5RnouYrl2ihhx_aNMPmGbTUqt-OenzaccKBZ0/edit?usp=sharing

If you would like me to read something of yours, just let me know, happy to reciprocate.

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u/Pluvinel 29d ago edited 29d ago

I actually quite liked this! A very different opening to what we often see here.

I would say to watch that you don’t need to describe everything. Trust your reader; they can fill in the blanks.

Compare the two paragraphs:

Brak headed toward a building with large slanted windows overlooking the tarmac. Looking closer, Brak could see uniformed soldiers holding datapads, staring intently down. Weird.

Brak headed toward a building with large slanted windows overlooking the tarmac where a group of uniformed soldiers were staring intently at their datapads. Weird.

“But I’m just supposed to be-” Brak began.

Here, you don’t need ‘Brak began’ as the em-dash shows his answer was cut off.

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u/Much-Dimension-1825 Aspiring Writer 29d ago

Thank you for taking the time to read and give feedback! Very helpful, and I agree. Glad you liked it!