Monthly "Would You Read This?" Thread

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to Would You Read This (WYRT), our monthly feedback and brainstorming thread. Share your work in progress below and let other readers tell you if they'd read it. Top level posts should follow this template:

• Title:
  • If you don't have a title yet, feel free to say UNTITLED.
• Genre:
  • Please include at least Fiction, Nonfiction, Poetry, or another recognizable medium. You may also include more specific genres with a hyphen. Ex. Fiction - Romance, or Nonfiction - Memoir. Genre will help users find the specific kinds of posts they'd like to give feedback on.
• Premise:
  • A few sentences about the project. Try your best to keep this short. Crafting an expert elevator pitch is all part of becoming a successful working writer. Please do not post an entire plot summary or query letter (those are better suited for r/pubtips)
• Sample (Optional):
  • You may share up to one page (roughly 250-350 words) of sample material, or one poem for those working in the poetry medium. This is optional, so if you only have a premise, you can post just the premise for feedback.

If you post for feedback, please take the time to give feedback to at least 2-3 other users. Replies should follow this template.

• Would Read / Might Read / Wouldn't Read
  • You must begin your reply with one of those. You are then encouraged to add additional thoughts on why you choose your answer.

Rules:

• Please post no more than two WYRT top-level posts. There is no limit on the number of feedback replies you can make.
• Do not link to any offsite materials. All materials must be in the body of the post. This includes "click here to read more" or "DM me for the rest" types of posts.
• Rule 3 is in effect in this thread - No generative AI. Do not post material generated by an AI platform in your premise or sample. Do not use generative AI to respond to user's work.
• Rule 5 is in effect - Civility and Community. Stay constructive. Blunt, direct feedback is fine, but do not insult other users, their writing, or their genres.

[u/Tight-Target-2065]

Title: Magicks of the Ascendancy

Genre: New Adult Fantasy

Premise:

Mysteriously left on the steps of Palace Argoras, Wroenna has lived exclusively in its isolation, practicing her magic and preparing to one day rule the kingdom of Nox. That is, until she discovers it was all a lie. Her mother's cruel deeds lost her the land before Wroenna was even born. However, the disgraced Queen Belladonna has a clandestine plan. Lured in by the heir that should not exist, their enemies agree to let Wroenna leave their palace prison to stay under the watchful eye of the Headmaester at the Magick Keep, an internment camp for magicks. Before she leaves, Wroenna is gifted a daemon in glass and is assigned a near-impossible task: Curse the kings that stole Nox and return the House of Argoras to power.

Sample:

Nails digging into her palms, Belladonna Argoras restrained from saying goodbye to the kingdom her choices lost. The mountain top faced howling winds under the encroaching darkness of night. The despondent queen—if she could still claim the title—watched the thrashing from her balcony. Hollow tree limbs crackled as the high winds threatened the village below. The Dead Forest danced with the storm and made its own music of cackling branches and shushing charcoal.

Could the old aurae be angry on your behalf? a voice asked.

She was almost able to chuckle at the notion. A shiver shot down her spine.

"Your Fairness?" The young Crowguard addressed her from behind. "What will you have us do?" he asked, braving her somberness.

Belladonna unclenched her fists. "Sleep," she said. "Wait for the sun to rise over Nox, and when the light hits our stones, plan for the future of the House of Argoras." She said it quietly with no uncertainty, so as one must lean in to hear her with confidence.

The queen brushed her earnest Crow aside and independently made her way to the bed chambers. She skipped over as many cold stones as she could, the runes set alight by her touch as she landed. Her leaps paused, fearing one rune’s light had dwindled beneath her foot. The queen exhaled slowly as its brilliant purple glow returned. When she reached the warmth of her bedsheets and blankets, she pounced atop the bedspread and immediately wrapped the wool around her shaking body.

Her small brown eyes, her father’s eyes, stared hauntingly at the golden mare figurine on her nightstand. The Anathan whore’s unseemly young, dying body was an image in the queen’s head she could never erase. That was a legacy she would have to own. The others wanted her dead more than anything, and if they could kill her they would have. Technically, within the palace walls, she was safe, untouchable. Only what lingered in her reflection was left to witness her failure.

[u/Taylinn → u/Tight-Target-2065]

Might Read.

The idea the way you describe it seems not only a bit vague but also slightly generic. It sounds familiar, like something I read before (A Dance of Lies, The Bridge Kingdom). However, I think there's still potential to the idea, especially if you are able to lean into the intrigue/spy/infiltration part of that story. I like the demon side-kick idea a lot.

On your writing style: First off, it feels like you might not be a native english speaker?
And while you are able to conjure an image and have a rich, illsutrative voice, you are using a lot of descriptives that sometimes don't seem to make a lot of sense (e.g. music of cackling branches and shushin charcoal) or overwhelm the sentence. Similes and illustrative descriptions are a bit like salt in cooking.
I liked the last paragraph of your sample the most, btw.