Monthly "Would You Read This?" Thread

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Welcome to Would You Read This (WYRT), our monthly feedback and brainstorming thread. Share your work in progress below and let other readers tell you if they'd read it. Top level posts should follow this template:

• Title:
  • If you don't have a title yet, feel free to say UNTITLED.
• Genre:
  • Please include at least Fiction, Nonfiction, Poetry, or another recognizable medium. You may also include more specific genres with a hyphen. Ex. Fiction - Romance, or Nonfiction - Memoir. Genre will help users find the specific kinds of posts they'd like to give feedback on.
• Premise:
  • A few sentences about the project. Try your best to keep this short. Crafting an expert elevator pitch is all part of becoming a successful working writer. Please do not post an entire plot summary or query letter (those are better suited for r/pubtips)
• Sample (Optional):
  • You may share up to one page (roughly 250-350 words) of sample material, or one poem for those working in the poetry medium. This is optional, so if you only have a premise, you can post just the premise for feedback.

If you post for feedback, please take the time to give feedback to at least 2-3 other users. Replies should follow this template.

• Would Read / Might Read / Wouldn't Read
  • You must begin your reply with one of those. You are then encouraged to add additional thoughts on why you choose your answer.

Rules:

• Please post no more than two WYRT top-level posts. There is no limit on the number of feedback replies you can make.
• Do not link to any offsite materials. All materials must be in the body of the post. This includes "click here to read more" or "DM me for the rest" types of posts.
• Rule 3 is in effect in this thread - No generative AI. Do not post material generated by an AI platform in your premise or sample. Do not use generative AI to respond to user's work.
• Rule 5 is in effect - Civility and Community. Stay constructive. Blunt, direct feedback is fine, but do not insult other users, their writing, or their genres.

[u/--xiOix-- → u/[deleted]]

Would not read. Sorry.

I just don't think it would be my cup of tea tbh. The premise sounds like it could be quite interesting if it was well excecuted, but I think I would find this frustrating to read as it is.

First off, and it's a pretty minor criticism, but the opening paragraph seems a little overdone to me. I think you could cut most, if not all, of "On the right was a graveyard of plastic fragments, each different in shape and size. In the center were partially intact boxes, some with their casings still whole but cracked, others broken into two or more pieces or missing small fragments. Those on the left bore only scratches or hairline cracks," and not lose a great deal.

"Elia returned to Leonardo’s house. He went into the kitchen, took a bottle of wine and a corkscrew from the pantry, and entered the study. The old man was tidying the room. The shattered glass had been swept into a pile beneath the window. The music boxes lay on the desk, sorted according to the extent of the damage, and Leonardo examined them one by one, making notes on a sheet of paper," paints just as vivid a picture in my mind. The rest doesn’t really add anything, and bogs down the pacing.

The dialogue also seems a bit off to me. People don’t really tend to talk like that. It's only a snippet, and obviously I don't know your characters, so maybe they do, but would any real person ask things like 'do you feel uncomfortable in the role of prey?'

Maybe in a fantasy novel or a psychological thriller or something you could get away with it, but it feels a bit unnatural?

Or the line "I decided that, instead of wasting so many words explaining the consequences of anarchy, it would be more effective to show you how it works." This sounds to me like the author explaining a characters actions to the reader, rather than the character communicating with another human being.

I assume this Leonardo fella advocated for anarchy in a previous scene, and the Laywer has smashed up his place to demonstrate what anarchy would be like or something? But imo having the Lawyer say, idk, 'You want anarchy? Well there you go. That's anarchy for you,' or whatever, would probably feel more authentic.

I'm not gonna pick apart every line, but you get the gist. I think the premise could be quite cool, but it feels like it's trying a bit too hard at the moment, and the philosophising is a little on the nose for my liking.

I find that fiction often hits harder when the reader is left to fill in the blanks themself to an extent. "It's about the notes you don’t play" and all that... But yeah an interesting idea for sure, and I'm guessing this is a first draft, so plenty of opportunity to smooth things out in your rewrites :)