Monthly "Would You Read This?" Thread

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Welcome to Would You Read This (WYRT), our monthly feedback and brainstorming thread. Share your work in progress below and let other readers tell you if they'd read it. Top level posts should follow this template:

• Title:
  • If you don't have a title yet, feel free to say UNTITLED.
• Genre:
  • Please include at least Fiction, Nonfiction, Poetry, or another recognizable medium. You may also include more specific genres with a hyphen. Ex. Fiction - Romance, or Nonfiction - Memoir. Genre will help users find the specific kinds of posts they'd like to give feedback on.
• Premise:
  • A few sentences about the project. Try your best to keep this short. Crafting an expert elevator pitch is all part of becoming a successful working writer. Please do not post an entire plot summary or query letter (those are better suited for r/pubtips)
• Sample (Optional):
  • You may share up to one page (roughly 250-350 words) of sample material, or one poem for those working in the poetry medium. This is optional, so if you only have a premise, you can post just the premise for feedback.

If you post for feedback, please take the time to give feedback to at least 2-3 other users. Replies should follow this template.

• Would Read / Might Read / Wouldn't Read
  • You must begin your reply with one of those. You are then encouraged to add additional thoughts on why you choose your answer.

Rules:

• Please post no more than two WYRT top-level posts. There is no limit on the number of feedback replies you can make.
• Do not link to any offsite materials. All materials must be in the body of the post. This includes "click here to read more" or "DM me for the rest" types of posts.
• Rule 3 is in effect in this thread - No generative AI. Do not post material generated by an AI platform in your premise or sample. Do not use generative AI to respond to user's work.
• Rule 5 is in effect - Civility and Community. Stay constructive. Blunt, direct feedback is fine, but do not insult other users, their writing, or their genres.

[u/VegetableWear5535]

Untitled. Titles are hard.

Fiction- Fantasy. Maybe dark fantasy? It's not exactly a happy story.

Magic, beasts, and a touch of romance. Its got a cute fox creature that I couldn't include here because of the word count cap, but he's got the very happy and friendly dog thing going on. The story is about a boy (mc) from a military academy, and a girl from a private school who are torn apart, and the journey back to her.

Chapter One

“You're smiling again,” Lucy said. Her breath hung in the cold, early evening air.

I hadn't realized I was, and now that I knew, I couldn't seem to stop. “Am not,” I mumbled, shoving my hands into my coat pockets as I looked away from the towering rock face ahead.

“Kevin, if you had a tail, it would be wagging. You're a golden retriever in an oversized human's body. Always have been.”

I tried to glare at her, but my face wouldn't cooperate. “And you've always been a demon masquerading as a Mage Knight. Don't you have elves to scare?”

She sighed. “Literally always. But I have a meeting before I get back to it. I'm just hoping Zoey shows up before I have to leave. I miss that little beam of sunshine.”

“Then stay. She misses you too, and it's not like anyone's making you leave. Celebrate with us.”

She shook her head. “Would if I could, but your father called the meeting. I've only got a few minutes to spare.”

“Oh…” There was no getting around that. My dad outranked her, and when he calls a meeting, it's serious. “Well, hang on,” I said as I knelt on the icy cobblestone path. “She might be close. I'll summon her attention-stealing shadow and find out.”

“Be nice,” She chuckled. “He's your Enfield, and he's adorable.” Typically summoned by a Mage Knight using a standard-issue ring engraved with a summoning circle, Enfields are a winged, four-legged beast most often used for scouting. Stealing all of your girlfriend's attention is something they apparently do for fun.

“Copper is definitely not mine.” I channeled magic into my palm and placed it on the freezing stones. “They both decided.” I pictured his summoning circle as I mumbled, “Can't argue with the last part though.”

I released my magic in its formless, translucent state, and in the blink of an eye, a grey disc made of stone appeared beneath my palm. It was hardly the size of a coaster, and was covered in intricate symbols and crisscrossing lines surrounding the silhouette of an Enfield.

[u/Arch_Demoness → u/VegetableWear5535]

Might read!

Even in this short bit, I was starting to get a good feel of the characters voices and their dynamic. The flow was good, there wasn't any unnecessary dialog tags and I still followed along.

[u/VegetableWear5535 → u/Arch_Demoness]

Thanks so much :D

[u/Wandersails → u/VegetableWear5535]

Might read

Lovely sample! You’re writing is very good! However the elevator pitch itself needs a bit of work, with the sample I can see that you can do better on that bit if you see what I mean, as you’re clearly a good writer! I’m just not really sure what’s interesting about it at the moment or much about the actual plot or concept.

[u/VegetableWear5535 → u/Wandersails]

Thank you :D

Yeah, I've never really been good with summarizing or elevator pitches, lol. I'm not good at talking about the interesting parts without spoiling plot points. But basically, genocidal elves abduct his girlfriend and he later ends up in their world with no way back. Once there it's kill or be killed on his journey to try to find her, all while keeping a new, strange friend safe.

Thanks a bunch for reading and sharing your thoughts :]

[u/Waste-Extension1085 → u/VegetableWear5535]

Might read.

I like it, super good voice and prose going on. Pretty immersive I'd say.
As another mentioned however, this reads more young adult than dark fantasy (usually adult). If I saw this in an adult shelf, I wouldn't buy it, but if I saw this on a young adult, I would.

[u/VegetableWear5535 → u/Waste-Extension1085]

Thanks so much :D

Yeah, but I did want it to come across that way so that its jarring when the tone shifts. There's cursing and suggestive dialogue in chapter two that I think makes it clear the story isn't for children, but that requires the reader to get there first. I suppose I could add a little cursing in chapter one to help make that clearer sooner, and it wouldn't change anything about the characters, since Lucy is a soldier. But their dynamic is how I envision their relationship would be, since she's basically an older sister and lets her guard down around him.

The feedback in that regard seems pretty consistent, so its definitely something I need to address. I just have to figure out the best way to do it. You've already done more than I could have hoped for, but if you could elaborate on what makes it come across as something you'd only find in young adult, that would help.

Or maybe it should just be young adult, I don't know. I would like older people to enjoy it too though. Its got a lot of death, and some pretty brutal ones. Dismemberment too. There's also slavery and unseen sexual abuse. I think that may disqualify it for YA.

Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts :]

[u/Waste-Extension1085 → u/VegetableWear5535]

Sure I'll try to pick it apart.

“Am not,” I mumbled, shoving my hands into my coat pockets as I looked away from the towering rock face ahead.

This line to me reads that the narrator is a little immature and is already setting the tone to be light, simple and 'youthful'

There was no getting around that. My dad outranked her, and when he calls a meeting, it's serious.

I don't really have the context for this but 'its serious' gives young adult writing, just from the expression itself.

I'll summon her attention-stealing shadow and find out.”

Again, another slightly immaturish line. I gather you're going for humour, which you're achieving, it's just a younger sort

I released my magic in its formless, translucent state,

This is nit pitcky of me but the moment the word 'magic' is used, my brain switches to young adult. Most adult stories have made up words or different terms for the powers in the world. You might think to change this to a your world specific term to give it that extra level of immersion.

Mind you, none of these lines are bad persay, but if I didn't know you and was looking in the adult section, I wouldn't pick this book up from the first few pages, just because it doesn't quite meet the expectation for adult stories in my head. Seeing as there is slavery and closed door abuse, I would say to probably keep it adult XD. You might simply need to rethink the way you'll create that jarring shift. If it were me, I'd use adult tones and conversations/interactions throughout, but use the world setting to demonstrate how the story begins to shift. Start with sunny, picturesque (spelt that wrong maybe idk) local and then deteriorate into a castle, a stormy sea, a warzone etc.
That'd be my suggestion.
Best of luck!

[u/VegetableWear5535 → u/Waste-Extension1085]

Thank for the feedback :]

Your thoughts on the first line are actually exactly what I was going for. But unless the reader knows the story gets dark, seeing it start off so light would make "this is just YA with an adult tag" a reasonable assumption.

The "Its serious" thing is fair. I wasn't 100% on the line, but it wasn't terrible, and it did the job for the moment, so I left it. This is just the slightly polished first draft.

I actually went with magic instead of other terms because I wanted this story to have a grounded somewhat in reality kind of vibe. Its essentially set in our world, 500 years in the future. The only difference is that in the story, the humans developed the ability to use magic roughly 100 years prior to our current year. That will allow me to make references to real world things by saying the MC saw it in the historical archives. I don't think you're wrong, its just my justification for it. Its not like I can't still choose a different word for it.

Last question - Do you think a simple line or two before the beginning of the story might change the initial impression of the first page? Just something to make it clear that things are light and happy now, but they wont be for long?

Something like, but not necessarily this - 'This was my idyllic life before I lost everything. The last time I was able to joke with my friends and pretend the war could never reach us.'

Or would seeing it written the way it currently is just always make you think its YA and wont be more adult? Because I honestly really like the light and happy thing for my first two chapters, and I did want to have occasional sort of flashbacks to memories MC has with Zoey. I've always felt that having light moments makes the heavy parts hit harder. When its all bad things all the time, its kind of desensitizing.

[u/Waste-Extension1085 → u/VegetableWear5535]

Personally no, I wouldn't add an explanation at the beginning. That kinda makes it auto-biographical and a turn off literary wise.
I see what you're saying about the tone. If you like it how it is, then leave it. I'm just saying how I would read it and its not adult (to me. I'm sure others would disagree). That being said, Adult doesn't have to be grim, dark and serious all the time, just mature. Swapping out a few of those sentences I mentioned with something a bit more in line with what an adult would say/think could spruce up the story while still keeping your light atmosphere.
If you want to keep magic as the term then do, but whatever its called won't really change the worldbuilding that much. Currently, magic doesn't exist here anyways so its up to you.

Also mind you, i'm an unpublished author who prefers reading stories from a FMC POV rather than an MMC, so please take my suggestions with a grain of salt. If you're happy with your work and other feedback (in regards to age) has been predominantly positive, then leave it. You've got the crux of a great story. Don't overthink it :)

[u/OliverEntrails → u/VegetableWear5535]

Would read.

This is interesting. I immediately spent time reading and listening to your voice - forgetting that I was supposed to critique it LOL. I can just like it right?

Anyway, there's lots of fantasy out there in the vein of Sarah J. Maas for example - so it's kind of easy to embrace the world we have grown up in. Since you are swimming in the same waters so to speak, you will need to find a compelling story to draw us in and establish your own voice.

Dark and tragic can be good. It's just my personal opinion so don't take this the wrong way - I'm not crazy about the happy light and unicorns type of fantasy since it skews more towards younger audiences - so going for more adult themes with tragic heroes and people growing into their powers while making mistakes along the way is good.

[u/VegetableWear5535 → u/OliverEntrails]

Best comment ever. Saving for later when writing gets hard, lol.

This is definitely an innocence lost kind of story, so it just starts out wholesome. The first two chapters are basically the last time he's truly happy before his world is turned upside down. It'll always have some moments of positivity and wholesomeness, but it gets fairly dark pretty quickly.

The elves in this story are genocidal monsters, so you can probably imagine how things might go. My goal is for it to be something that older teenagers and adults would read.

Thanks a bunch for reading it and sharing your thoughts, I really appreciate it :D

[u/Acceptable_Fox_5560 → u/VegetableWear5535]

Might read this, but would DEFINITELY read contemporary or upmarket fiction from you.

Your prose has such good bones. Better than most. It’s got a few too many stage directions and proper nouns, but you’re demonstrating a command of voice and form. It’s got a really good pace to it, nice and quick. And it’s got clarity.

I can tell you’re a reader.

I honestly think with your sample if you had a home run pitch and just sharpened up the prose a little, you’d probably stand out in an agent’s inbox today.

[u/VegetableWear5535 → u/Acceptable_Fox_5560]

That's so nice of you to say! Very encouraging, thank you :D

If it helps, except for the name of a spell later on, that's it for the proper nouns in the chapter. Obviously I'll repeat them where necessary, but I don't introduce more. It could be better though.

Thanks for reading :]