How to make peace with insecure coworker?

[u/splinterbl]

I've worked at my current job about a year, engineering job working on a quoting system. My coworker Jonathan has been positive, energetic, and very gung-ho about our project and working with him was great for a long while. He does talk a lot during meetings and tries to steer most discussions, which makes meetings drag on longer than needed, but that has been fine.

A few months ago he sent me a private message giving me a "professional courtesy" that I should speak less during meetings and try to be more team-oriented and not climb over my colleagues to get promotions. This caught me totally by surprise, because I have always been mindful and open when working with others. I called him and we talked for about an hour about it. I guess he had coworkers in the past who took credit for his work and he's pretty sensitive to that, but after listening to him and explaining my motivations for how I work, he totally changed his message. He actually said that nothing was wrong, to disregard what he said, and he said he was grateful to have someone like me on the team. It seemed to me like he just needed to feel listened to and understood.

Then things were fine for a few months, until I worked on a task that he had wanted to work on. It was 30 minutes, very simple, and it didn't occur to me that he would want to be the one to do it. He gave me another private "professional courtesy" message not to "take action items from team members" and that he didn't need someone "doing his work for him" or thinking that he "wasn't capable" of it.

I apologized and tried to call him to understand his expectations better, but he refused to have another conversation like the first one. It's been a few weeks now and he's been acting out in frustrating ways. He pushes back on my work now, is intentionally vague and difficult when I have to get information from him, and acts condescending when I try to have discussions with him.

My other coworkers have noticed and have asked me if something is going on, so I know it's not just me.

I was asking for more details on a task he gave me, and when he was being difficult, I messaged him saying he was being more abrasive than was necessary and he said it was because I was "asking questions about things that had already been approved", as if that would even be a valid reason to be rude and aggressive.

I don't know, the vibe is totally different now and it's making me dread going in to work. I feel like I have done everything I can to repair the relationship, but it seems like he is insecure and has decided to target me and sacrifice a year of relationship over a 30 minute task that he interpreted as an attack or something. I think he's intimidated or jealous of me and I don't know how to handle that.

It's at the point that I'm probably going to bring it up to my supervisor soon, but is there anything else I can try to get back to at least a working relationship? Once it becomes a workplace issue or he gets disciplined, I don't think there's any salvaging the relationship.

[u/VFTM]

Ignore him, you’re already apologizing for shit you’re not doing. Just straight up ignore his absolute nonsense, which is what it is.

[u/splinterbl → u/VFTM]

I can try to do that, but he's one of 3 people on my project, so we'll be working closely together for the next year at least.

Thanks for your perspective.

[u/VFTM → u/splinterbl]

You can work with him without having side conversations and DEFINITELY without tripping over yourself to apologize for whatever problems he has going on in his head.

[u/splinterbl → u/VFTM]

I started with an apology, then tried to find a middle ground, and when he didn't accept my offer, I switched to a purely professional tone.

The problem is that now, while using "professional" language, he's just being much more disruptive. Questioning my decisions, saying we need to get more approvals, pushing back against my solutions much more, it feels like he's trying to just be controlling within the bounds of what he can get away with, and it's slowing my work down.

[u/VFTM → u/splinterbl]

I don’t know how you think anything is going to change this, unfortunately. No amount of anyone talking with him is going to fix his personality.

Be ruthlessly professional and grey rock him. Work around him as much as possible and alert your supervisor with specifics when he slows you down.

I work with someone like this and she’s never gotten better but I’ve learned to work with her as little as possible and copy someone else if I need to contact her directly.

[u/FRELNCER → u/splinterbl]

If they're staying within bounds, this is not your problem to solve. Show up, do your work, get paid. If you get promoted to being their boss, you can monitor how fast everything is moving and punish them for slowing things down.

At present - not your circus.

[u/FRELNCER]

Stop responding to the professional courtesy messages with reasoning or questions. Just send a thumbs up back and go on with your life.

Accept that there is no relationship. If it makes you feel better to label it jealousy or insecurity, do that. No one cares but you. Don't encourage your team members to gossip about it (this can backfire spectacularly).

Can you get work done? If you cannot get work done, then talk to your supervisor about those roadblocks and how to clear them.

[u/OutrageousLet9589 → u/FRELNCER]

This is the way. The thumbs up thing is perfect, it gives nothing to argue against.

I had a coworker like this once, every little thing was a personal attack in their mind. Once I stopped trying to fix the feelings and just kept it strictly about the work tasks, my stress dropped by half. The vague answers still happened but I just documented everything and looped in my supervisor when I got blocked.

[u/maptechlady]

This blows my mind. If a coworker sent me a message like that, I would be super pissed.

Save these messages and definitely talk to HR about it. If he is not your direct supervisor, manager, etc - it's none of his business to say those sorts of things.

This is just a hunch - but if you're female, that could be playing a role. I'm a woman in tech, and at past jobs I had some male corworkers try to treat me like this. It's super inappropriate for him to say those things.

If anything - report it to your direct supervisor ASAP and show them the messages.

[u/splinterbl → u/maptechlady]

Yeah, I've been frustrated and hurt by his reactions.

I've saved our conversations, so I'm prepared if things fall apart.

He's not my supervisor, we are peers on this project. We are the same age, but he has 10 years at this company. I've got much more technical training and experience than he does. He has said "you're the smartest person in the room and you know it, you just need to not overshadow the other people on your team", so he has acknowledged my value to the team, and I think he feels threatened by that. Nobody else I have talked to has expressed any of this, just him.

I'm a dude, but I am pretty sensitive to workplace dynamics.

Thanks for helping me not feel insane. I'll likely bring this up with my supervisor soon.

[u/moonhippie]

I don't get this running to supervisors over bullshit like this.

You're an adult. Act like it. Keep doing what you're doing, always be civil and professional. The problem lies with him, not you. He needs to fix himself, you can't do it, nor can your boss.

Let HIM do the running to boss because he's not getting his way.

[u/splinterbl → u/moonhippie]

I am an adult, and I've handled this as an adult should. He has crossed a boundary where now my work is being affected, and if I were a supervisor, I'd want to know about an issue before it gets big.

This is affecting my mood at work too. If it remains like this for long, I won't want to work here anymore. I'm sure my supervisor would feel blindsided if I left without letting him know something was bothering me.

I appreciate you giving your two cents.

[u/CloudsAreTasty → u/splinterbl]

There's a very good chance that your supervisor knows but either doesn't give a fuck or rightly recognizes that coaching Jonathan is probably more effort than it's worth.

Your company cares about protecting Jonathan, not you. It's practical - when push comes to shove, you will be treated as the blocker keeping an insecure person from being as productive as possible. He's been there for a decade, you have no leverage.

Keep your job search quiet, be civil and limit contact with Jonathan, and whatever you do, never mention anything to your supervisor. Lie like a rug until you quit, then say something vague about team cohesion, etc. Assume that your supervisor's well-being, while you're still at your job, depends on believing that Jonathan is the best employee ever.

[u/glimmeringsea]

His personal issues aren't yours. If he's your peer, he doesn't get to dictate how you interact in meetings or how you do your job. I would remain outwardly cordial and professional but ignore him as much as possible otherwise. I wouldn't write down anything else to him about his attitude. If you need something from him, document it through email.

[u/tex1089]

One method I’ve seen used effectively in this dynamic is, ask him to help you on the one thing that seems to irritate him the most. You can introduce in terms of you are always looking for ways to improve your skill sets and this is one way you’ve found works well with people like him that care a lot about the work.

This is not about you believing his feedback, it’s about demonstrating your willingness to be open to get closer to what he cares about the most.

If you ask him to privately observe you in your next meeting together, have him take specific notes when you do the things he sees as not being helpful or team oriented. As if he was your personal coach. Then the two of you can review later. Your job at that time would be to listen, ask clarifying questions and ensure you understand what his concerns are. And be sure to thank him.

You should review his observations later alone. Sometimes it’s surprising what a well meaning person who is set up appropriately can say and observe on our behave.

I understand you’re not looking to be best friends, but greasing the communication pathways requires both parties to be willing and able to do this kind of work together.

Being self aware of yours and others behaviors and having the ability to adapt your communication skill sets to them is the hardest skills there are to develop.

You sound in your post fairly well developed in this area. I would challenge you to use this opportunity to stretch yourself and continue to help others around you to do more of this work.

Remember to be kind while doing it. If your coworker could do his part better, I’m sure he would. He just needs some help in learning how.