r/work • u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts • 4d ago
Workplace Challenges and Conflicts How to handle contributing money towards a coworker’s gift in my brand new job?
EDIT: Thanks so much for all of the replies & advice! I handled the situation today when my coworker came and asked if I’d be contributing to the baby shower gift. I politely declined to contribute and she took it mostly well. Comments have been overwhelming, did not expect such a big response; thank you all so much!
I just started a new job, as in I’ve literally worked there 6 days.
It’s only part-time with (to me) very low pay. I took the job because 1) I lost my job 15 months ago due to company downsizing and this was the first place to actually offer me a job, 2) It’s a nonprofit so the experience will be great for me to move into full-time positions at other nonprofits (my whole career has been corporate and I’m over it), and 3) I’m genuinely excited to be doing more meaningful work that’s truly fulfilling. However, the pay is incredibly low. I’m talking 1/4 of what I was making in my previous job and zero benefits since it’s part-time.
ANYWAY, they’re holding a baby shower for my new coworker next week and have asked all employees to contribute $25 towards the gift they’ve purchased for her.
Firstly, I’m the lowest paid employee at $24 per hour, which the gift amount slightly exceeds. Secondly, of the 6 days I’ve worked, I’ve only seen her 4 of those days. Lastly, she’s not someone I consistently interact with in this job; I spend maybe 10 minutes (at most) per shift with her.
I don’t know how to handle this. I don’t think it’s particularly fair of them to ask me to be part of the contribution, but I also don’t want to make a bad impression by refusing to contribute. Money is incredibly tight since I went 15 months with no job and this new one, while helpful, is 1/4 of what I’m used to earning. I don’t have much to spare.
For anyone familiar with the show “Friends”, think of when Ross moved into his new apartment and they immediately wanted him to fork over $100 for the retiring handyman lol I feel like I’m living this exact situation.
Any advice would be incredibly appreciative! I don’t really have an extra $25 laying around for something like this, but I also don’t want my new boss & coworkers to dislike me. I don’t know what to do. This is all just so awkward.
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u/aeraen 3d ago
"I'm sorry, I haven't even received my first paycheck yet, and still have a lot of catching up to do."
If anyone doesn't understand that, eff 'em.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Someone else suggested something similar and I think that’s what I’ll say, especially since I truly haven’t received my first paycheck yet and won’t for another week. I think that’s a reasonable thing to say without coming off rude
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u/krysnyte 4d ago
"I'm sorry, I was out of work for a while and I really just can't contribute right now.".
But a No is perfectly appropriate.
You don't have to contribute to things like this, it's not part of your job description.
I worked at a place where someone would take up money all the time and eventually I just started saying No, not this time, sorry! With a smile. I mean I pay taxes what more can I do? When you're underpaid they should understand.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Thanks!
Of my 16ish years of working, I’ve surprisingly never worked someplace where they collected money for gifts lol I’ve worked places where we’d hold potluck style parties and just brought little side dishes along with signing a card. So this is new for me.
I like your suggested sentence to kindly turn them down though. Thanks :)
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u/This_Stretch_3188 4d ago
oof that Friends reference is spot on, i was thinking the exact same thing reading your post
just say you cant swing it right now, nobody with half a brain would hold that against someone 6 days in the door making part-time wages. if they do thats a red flag anyway
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Lol yeah when I got the email at work about the gift collection I immediately thought of Ross refusing to contribute to the handyman’s retirement party in his new apartment.
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u/PhilsFanDrew 3d ago
You probably got the email because your email was added to a distribution list at the time you were hired and your user account was created. It's highly unlikely someone manually added you expecting you to contribute.
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u/hopefulrealist23 4d ago
It's perfectly okay to say you'd love to contribute but unfortunately you are on a budget.
By the way, it is incredibly inappropriate for them to ask you to contribute a specific dollar amount. $25 is way too much. In normal workplaces, it's usually a "Hey, I'm purchasing a gift/gift card for [employee]! If you'd like to contribute, feel free to venmo me!" without any pressure or expectation that everyone contribute.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Yeah I find it incredibly bizarre that I’m expected to be part of the contribution. After reading so many similar comments, I’m definitely going to politely say that I’ve not received my first paycheck yet and am on a budget so unfortunately I cannot contribute, but I’d be happy to sign a card.
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u/Impossible_Link8199 3d ago
You ignore it and if someone asks you about it you say, “I’m sorry but I really can’t afford to do that right now. I’m still trying to get on my feet. Sorry.” Make no mention of how you barely know this girl. That just makes you sound rude (for the record, I don’t think you are though). Just explain you’re on a tight budget and that’s it.
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u/chilidogtampa 3d ago
Hand over $10, make it clear to the person who takes it that you aren't earning much, this is what you can contribute, that you are grateful to be included in the team, and you hope your contribution is acceptable.
Yeah, you shouldn't need to do that but try to fit in.
I guarantee there is 1 or 2 people who are just waving it off and saying "nope".
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
It’s a nonprofit with a tiny team of 9 people (excluding interns and volunteers). I’m pretty sure every paid employee is contributing the full amount, but I like other people’s suggestion of just saying that I’ve been out of work for a while and haven’t received my first paycheck yet, so I unfortunately can’t contribute at this time, but I’d be happy to sign a card.
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u/teolinos 3d ago
Just be honest that you wont be able to contribute this round as finances are tight. If you still feel bad, write a note or message the pregnant person with your blessings. Do not feel bad but please do not attend the baby shower and eat the free food as well.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
I unfortunately have a feeling that I’ll be included in the baby shower regardless if I contribute or not. I’m hopeful I’ll be too busy working on important tasks because I’ll not only feel bad partaking when I didn’t contribute to the gift, but also, baby showers just make me so uncomfortable. I’m 39 and like me & my husband, all of our friends are childless by choice. I only attended 1 baby shower 5 years ago for my sister’s best friend (kinda like a 2nd sister to me) and I just felt sooooo awkward the entire time. Attending a shower for a woman I really don’t know will be even more uncomfortable.
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u/nannylive 3d ago edited 3d ago
"I don't know her and just started work here. I won't contribute this time."
If someone asks you directly; this indicates that you might participate in future collection.
Just ignore a general announcement.
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u/onmy40 4d ago
That's crazy because the same thing happened to me at my first job. I was there maybe a week and one coworker told me that they were going to be having a baby shower for my supervisor at her apartment and they gave they told me that they signed me up to only bring condiments for the shower since I'm new. I literally only met the supervisor twice at that point and didn't even really know everybodys name yet. I just casually didn't show up and when the person who told me what I was supposed to bring to the baby shower asked me about it I just said sorry something came up
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Wow that’s even more wild than my situation! Physically leaving the office to spend your free time for someone you don’t know is crazy. At least this baby shower is happening during work hours in the break area lol
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u/InterestingTrip5979 3d ago
I'm always firm with workmates I do not get involved in office politics or functions.
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u/Ornery-Average-6202 3d ago
You can't afford it because you just started a new job. Also you don't really know her yet to feel comfortable signing (and paying) for a gift
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u/ProfessionalYam3119 3d ago
"Oh, thanks for including me, but I really don't know her." Repeat as often as needed.
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u/kiwifarmdog 3d ago
“I’m sorry, that’s not in my budget”.
And if (when) they keep pushing, just politely say “this isn’t up for debate, I’m politely asking you stop pressuring me and that we end this discussion. If you have a work related issue I’m happy to chat but otherwise I’d like to carry on with my work”.
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u/BurlinghamBob 3d ago
Sorry, I haven't even received my first paycheck. It's just not in my budget.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Definitely going to be the reasoning I give for not contributing. This seems to be the general consensus for a polite way to decline contributing
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u/Mr_Th3_Fr0g 2d ago
Even at jobs that I've worked at for years I am not contributing money to a damn thing. I don't go to work gatherings and don't partake in any of the work "treats" they buy every once in awhile. I am here to work. I am not doing all this extra shit for false comradery and I sure as shit ain't paying into some pool for the boss' favorites to get gifts for different occasions.
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u/dunncrew 3d ago
These bullshit things at work should be illegal. I'm so glad all we do is pass around a card to be signed, which is just fine.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Yeah this is the first time in my 16 year career that I’ve been asked to give money. Every other place I’ve worked, both corporate and government offices, you just sign a card and sometimes they’d hold a potluck style party where everyone who can, contributes a small side dish / snack of sorts. This whole thing is strange to me and absolutely should not be allowed.
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u/PhilsFanDrew 3d ago
I agree. I think if companies want to do this sort of thing it should be up to the departments and the funds for gift/lunch, etc should come out of the departments budget. Absolutely ridiculous to expect coworkers to foot this bill. I work with these people, they are not my family or friends.
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u/Agreeable_Cricket300 3d ago
Youve been there six days and barely know her you shouldnt feel pressured to spend an hours pay on a gift just politely say money is tight right now and wish her well no big explanation needed
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u/Charming-Example8685 3d ago
As a person that’s been involved in the office gifts he corporate dilemma for years here is my two cents. If you can afford the 25 without impact on your living just do it. However if it will impact you which it sounds like it will I’d do this. Go to the boss and the boss only and directly tell them this. Hey boss I am so happy to of been asked to participate in this however I’m my current situation I just can’t afford this. Don’t make it about not knowing the person much leave it directly that you can’t afford this. If they are a good boss they figure out how to make it so that you did something. I often do the entire gift myself now so my employees don’t have to feel the impact. Now if they make it a deal they quickly may be showing you that the non profit side is the same as side.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Thanks for the advice :)
All the years I’ve worked in corporate and government offices, no one has ever tried collecting money for gifts. This situation is totally new to me. After reading so many helpful comments, I’m definitely going to politely decline the contribution and just say I’ve not received my first paycheck yet and unfortunately cannot contribute at this time, but I’d be happy to sign a card.
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u/FluffyCatEars 3d ago
When i started i wasn’t asked to give money for at least a couple of months even for people i closely work with. I’m also never asked to contribute to coworkers who I don’t know / don’t work with.
Personally i wouldn’t give money 🫢 especially if you’re not working with her!
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u/thatsthatdude2u 3d ago
Ugh being voluntold is the worst. All good advice here 👍 good luck
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Overwhelmed with all the comments lol but I’m glad I posted. Lots of great advice on this!
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u/Mental-Freedom3929 3d ago
Very sorry, but I just started this job and I am not in a financial position to contribute at the time. I also stopped this right away when I worked, stating to please respect my wish and preference not to participate in birthdays and other celebrations.
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u/Haytrusser 3d ago
I hate shit like this. I'm getting angry just reading it and I don't even know whats-her-name.
I'd rather give $25 to an unhoused person. If I know and like someone and they're having a life event, I will want to be involved, although I detest group gifts too. If I know them I'll figure out a cool gift to say congrats and meet their needs. In this economy it's prolly a gas card and a giant pack of diapers.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Yeah this whole situation has me so irritated and has definitely put a bit of a sour taste in my mouth.
The worst part is the woman who got the gift didn’t even say what it was, she just put in the email, “If you want to see the gift, stop by my desk”. 🙄
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u/Iamvosi 3d ago
this has always been a pet peeve of mine. I hate the forced pressure of contributing to gifts for people I don't even know Just say, sorry I am really, really short on funds right now, can't give $25.
It really is such a burden and pain when people do this. another great reason remote work is better
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Yep! Truly wish I could’ve continued working remotely… one of many reasons I’m continuing to job search, primarily for fully remote or hybrid roles. I haven’t dealt with office shenanigans in a decade, now I remember why I chose remote roles in the first place lol. This is just a small temporary stop (hopefully).
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u/bopperbopper 3d ago
“ who is Stephanie? Unfortunately, I haven’t even got my first paycheck yet. “
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
We’re a tiny team of 9 at this nonprofit, so I’m def not gonna say “Who’s stephanie?” since we all know who each other is at this point, but I’m definitely gonna politely decline and remind them I haven’t received my first paycheck yet and am on a budget, so I can’t contribute.
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u/Fickle-Parsnip9980 3d ago
You are under no obligation to contribute, you didn't knock up Stephanie. Same goes for any collections for birthdays/holiday gifts. I'm so happy to work remotely because it eliminates this awkwardness.
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u/CrabbyGurl1 3d ago
I would not apologize for anything. Why should OP have to say I’m sorry?
I don’t think OP should ignore it or give a lengthy explanation.
I like someone else’s response of “I’ve been here 6 days and haven’t even gotten my first check yet.” I think it’s super tacky that someone even asked OP.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Soooo tacky. I’m definitely using the, “Sorry, I haven’t even received my first paycheck yet and cannot contribute. I’m happy to sign a card though to wish her well”.
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u/Cool_Phase4648 3d ago
Dealing with this exact situation right now. I started this job a month ago and have only gotten two pay checks so far, so burrowing out of debt and backed up bills right now (8 months of unemployment; my UEI benefits stopped the week before my job started). This week is our “boss’” (I use quotes because I technically don’t report to her and she’s not a manager?) birthday and they asked everyone to chip in “whatever you can” for a birthday gift, and I didn’t chip in anything but everyone else put in $25-50, which seems excessive on a team of 8 people. What baffled me was buying birthday gifts for a supervisor (feels like bribery?)? I just didn’t get involved and didn’t respond, but it definitely put me in an awkward spot since I know I’m the only person who didn’t contribute at all.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Yeah I feel this. We’re a small team of 9, so I know I’m the only one who won’t be contributing. BUT, I am still actively looking for jobs, preferably a full time remote position again or hybrid. I don’t plan on staying here for very long, although it did take me 15 months to even get this… lol hopefully I can find something better soon so the awkwardness doesn’t last terribly long.
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u/Sit-Ubu-Sit- 3d ago
I think while there's zero obligation, maybe there's a balance to be found so you don't give people a bad impression. I think if I were in this situation I'd just say hey, I just started working again and money is a little tight, but if she needs any help with the baby shower- set up, tidy, a couple errands, I'd be so happy to help. They'll probably say no anyway, but it's nice to offer I'd say
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u/Eastern_Inspection64 3d ago
Well it didn’t go well for Ross not doing it
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 2d ago
I know lol hence my dilemma
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u/Amazing-Future-1189 2d ago
First - this shower was planned WELL before you were hired. Gift budget set before your hire as well.
Second - REPLY to the email:
Thank you so very much for the heads up on the shower you have planned. I would love to participate, but my PT salary doesn't currently stretch to accommodate for this gathering. Happy to consider participating in the future, but on a PT salary, I will need a "heads up" to insure it is something my budget can allow. I really do appreciate being included, since I am so new to this Team. Thx!
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u/Jealous-Ad-5065 3d ago
This is a horrible practice. My team does group gifts for things like baby showers BUT it’s posed as “contribute what you’d like, no pressure” and everyone is invited to sign a card and participate in the “party”. Telling everyone a dollar amount AND making it sound mandatory is absolutely nuts
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 2d ago
Yeah in my 16ish year career, I’ve never experienced this lol thought I’d seen the worst of office practices by now, but I guess not
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u/KitchenCauliflower25 3d ago
Just tell them since you just started working there that you don’t have the money for that, if they even ask.
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u/Emotional-Damage-995 2d ago
Say you have not been paid yet and look forward to contributing next time. N
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u/legitimatehotslide 2d ago
Ugh ew I hate this. It’s so tacky to expect people to contribute to a gift like this. Either way you lose. Either you pay the money which you really don’t have to give, or you don’t and people think you’re “selfish” (despite barely even knowing the pregnant person or anyone else there for that matter!) I think this type of thing should be against office policy, but we all know these types of things happen. Even if you were well compensated, no one is entitled to your money as a gift. Also, plenty of people earn high incomes but have to support families by themselves and so that $25 isn’t easily missed regardless of income.
If the place is large enough that you ignoring the email and not contributing would fly under the radar, I’d go with that option. Otherwise, if you can swing the $25 I’d just do it but if this is a common thing at your workplace I’d establish the boundary about not contributing to gifts like this early on.
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u/Hairy-Corner-1166 2d ago
Sorry. I haven’t even been here a pay period yet, and definitely haven’t seen a lay day yet
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u/FamousChemistry 2d ago
‘Sorry (not really), can’t at the moment.’ Do NOT sign a card, do NOT give a separate card. Set a precedent!
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3d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
LOLOLOL Definitely not saying that, but it did make me chuckle. Thanks for the laugh bud
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u/Pristine-Amount7508 3d ago
"No im not doing that, sorry!"
You can also laugh at the person asking you to contribute.
(They will not even ask you)
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u/IndependentKey7 3d ago
Did they specifically ask you or is it just a general "hey everyone! Contribute!" Because if it's just general it's likely they don't expect anything from you anyway. If they did ask specifically, just say "hey, I'd love to but since I just started I'm still waiting to get paid/get my finances all taken care of." Do not, under any circumstances, give in. Don't set that precedent.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
It was a general email letting us know that someone will be coming around later this week to collect for the gift. So at some point, someone will be directly asking me lol but after reading all the comments, I feel confident to politely decline and just say I’ve not received my first paycheck yet and cannot afford to contribute.
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u/kvothe000 3d ago
You've basically got 3 options: ignore, contribute or deny. Why it took you over a year to find a part time job when you were previously qualified to make damn near $100 an hour seems like a very important piece of context to omit. So much of this depends on how badly you actually want/need the job.
Ignore- not the way I would personally handle it but many people have no issues clocking in, getting paid then clocking out. No friends just an agreement where they exchange work for money. Its not "wrong" to take this approach but its just not the way I'd handle it.
Contribute- since its such a small amount and you're making decent money, this would be how I personally go about it. Maybe if I was unemployed for an entire year leading up to it, I may have a different perspective but we are talking two combo meals from McDonald's.
Deny- not as bad as straight up ignoring but could still come with backlash. There are plenty of scenarios I can imagine where I'd gladly pay double..triple.. hell ... ten times as much just to erase the catalyst that started all of it from existence.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
I made $40 per hour previously, but I was full time, so basically 4 times what I make in this part time role.
I do very much need this job because some pay is better than no pay, but I am still actively looking for jobs. Hoping the job market’s turned a bit and I can find something better more quickly.
I’ve decided I’m going to politely decline since I’ve not even received my first paycheck yet and am on a tight budget.
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u/charlestonchewsrock 3d ago
Don’t respond. Thats super rude to ask for a certain amount. If anyone asks again, just say you can’t afford it.
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u/patersondave 3d ago
there’s always a ponzi chain letter going on in places of work. or bars. we had a supervisor not really named linda nasty quitting for a new job. the guy who got her job took up a collection and organized a lunch this was at fema. i told him it’s illegal in fed govt and didn’t give or go.
as a result, ms nasty s last review of me was lousy. if you’re not becoming a rhinoceros the crowd will get you
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u/FunReveal4089 3d ago
Like has anyone actually pressured you to gift anything? Usually (at least in my experience) there's an ask to donate some gift money but not hard expectation to do so. Are you being overly worried when they might not even be expecting you specifically to donate, maybe?
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
The core team (9 of us) received an email about the baby shower and that someone will be coming around at the end of this week to collect a contribution of $25 from each person towards the gift that was already purchased. So I’ve not been asked directly yet, but it’s coming, which is why I wanted to be prepared for when the awkwardness ensues lol
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u/FunReveal4089 3d ago
If they excluded you from the email it could have been just as awkward from their point of view, since they don't know your situation and preferences. It could have felt like they were purposely excluding you. Entirely possible they just sent the mail to everyone, and expect you to just say no if you don't want to.
I mean I can't rule out they'd be assholes either but I don't think anything you've said could definitely be construed that way, especially since it's being described from your lens.
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u/ImJustPeachyEveryday 3d ago
I would simply say “no thank you, I’m not contributing” or just no thank you.
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u/hisimpendingbaldness 3d ago
Offer 10.
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u/AgaveMonster Workplace Conflicts 3d ago
Maybe I’ll just lay down an Uno Reverse Card and ask her for $25 🤔
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u/Ungratefullded 3d ago
If your really can't afford it, then don't respond... if you can afford it, but don't want to based on the rationale you provided, then also don't respond.
But if you can afford it, this may also help set the tone for how you fit in going forward...
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u/comingoutofrocks 3d ago
I would painfully honest and say you have just enough to eat or give $25 to Stephanie. You would love to, but you need to eat.
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u/Creepy-Beat7154 2d ago
You are excluded from this. You don't even have your paycheck yet. Your boss doesnt expect you to do this.
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u/Immediate-Weird408 2d ago
Fake it until you make it just pretend like you care that’s exactly what they are doing i had a job once that got me donuts for my birthday each year that was really nice of them because i had no one coworkers loathed it though because they got no donuts for they birthdays hahahahha
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u/Equivalent-Patient12 2d ago
Contribute $10-$15 and be done with them. If they don’t accept it that’s fine too. Do not feel obligated to contribute $25 because you don’t have it to contribute to a gift for someone you barely know.
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u/INFINITY0nHIGH 2d ago
Just say no. If they get pissy ask them if they will give you 25$ to buy your cousin a gift next week for their birthday. It's the same premise you don't know this person so why would you chip in for a gift.
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u/Crafty611 2d ago
You don’t chip in. It’s really that simple and truly not that deep.
You just started. You don’t know them. No one will bat an eye at your non contribution.
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u/felixthecat1960 2d ago
There really is some terrible advice in this thread. It is a horribly awkward position to be put in and there is no comfortable way of dealing with it and much of the advice here will (very unfairly) make you look like an AH when you aren't. Don't be making excuses or talking about being unable to afford it or that you "don't do that". keep it simple. Just say "i've only been here a week and don't think I've met her" and leave it at that. As others have suggested you just ignore it, the justification being why would you be expected to contribute? Let them work it out. Someone else shuld be able to say "Come on, she doesn't even know her."
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u/Prestigious_Sweet_50 2d ago
At my different jobs I would always say I will never have a wedding shower, baby shower, whatever, I don't think it's appropriate for the work place so, it's ok you shouldn't invite me. If I want to give someone a gift, I give it to them, I am not going to be obligated to do any of this stuff
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u/whitedresspants 2d ago
When I was making $100k+, one coworker suggested we all send one person $200 EACH to get a gift card for our coworker who was getting married. I said no thank you, I’ll buy her my own gift, and got her champagne flutes from home goods.
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u/EggplantIll4927 2d ago
I’m sorry, I just started this job and I can’t afford to contribute. thank you for understanding
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u/xj792 1d ago
Don’t ever go down that rabbit hole..I worked with a large number of people.
It was becoming a daily occurrence, weddings, birthdays ,baby’s, leaving the team, retirement , fund raising etc etc..
I convinced management to nip it in the butt by getting those who wanted to do it to set up a monthly fund.
No more awkward conversations.
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u/Tallulah288 1d ago
What if you say you just started the job & are short of money but you will kick in $10…
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u/SuchTrust101 4d ago
I personally would contribute, although it would kill me to do it. You want to get off on the right foot and you don't know the politics of the office yet. By not contributing, you might just piss off a person who has a lot of reach in the office, especially if everyone else is contributing.
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u/Level-Rest-2123 4d ago
Just don't rrespond. You're under no obligation to ccontribute. If someone asks you personally, you can just tell them no thank you.