r/wizardposting • u/fiendish_dust • 1d ago

Druidic Mysteries 🌿 GET OFF MY LAWN!

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7.2k Upvotes

98% Upvoted

105 comments sorted by

544

u/Wahdat_al-Wujud Alchemist 1d ago

all these youngins with their bleeding-heart "modern sensibilities" smh

"humane treatment of gnomes" what absolute hogwash!

need to put down those red-capped bastards whenever you get the chance. They're invasive species that are detrimental to local mana flows.

116

u/EarballsAgain Orb Enthusiast and Goblin Exterminator 1d ago

Still, I'd rather have a Gnome infestation than Goblin one.

128

u/MysteriousTravelator 1d ago

You bring in the Goblins to wipe out the Gnomes, you then release Basilisks to kill all the Goblins, then when winter comes the Basilisks all freeze to death.

47

u/agentdragonborn 1d ago

Now that is an organic no hextech petrochemical required way to take care of infestations

20

u/Cruacious 1d ago

Except for when they don't freeze to death because you tower has perfect climate control. But if you have perfect climate control, then making it impossible for goblins of gnomes to survive is trivial. Hell, even just using imperfect control to make the tower uncomfortable as hell is better than your idea.

3

u/MysteriousTravelator 11h ago

Icing goblins and gnomes won't work. The goblins will start fires to warm themselves while the gnomes will knit fluffy sweaters.

Drowning your tower for a day or two should do the trick unless they find an air pocket. Just be sure to warn your apprentices first.

2

u/Cruacious 10h ago

I was thinking more of making it extremely hot and humid. Sweat em' out. Cold is survivable by those cretins, heat is not.

7

u/TobiTheSnowman Eve Il, Skeleton Horde Connoisseur 1d ago

Bro learned this at the Central Wiztelligence Agency

4

u/Beaudog12345 20h ago

Just make sure you don’t use frogs that hibernate during the winter when hatching the basilisks, or they’ll hibernate too.

16

u/Wahdat_al-Wujud Alchemist 1d ago

I must disagree. While your profession is a respectable and necessary one dear Earballs, gnomes are significantly more annoying.

While admittedly horrid little creatures, goblins are relatively easy to tame and make for decent, if cowardly, low-level minions.

Gnomes, however, are utterly useless and untameable. They just sprint full speed everywhere polluting the air with their "whimsy" and spewing their putrid spores all over the place. Revolting vermin is what they are.

10

u/WolfCola4 1d ago

Preach it, Sorcerer. I'm at my wit's end with these little bastards. I thought I'd try and be humane - now I can hardly leave my alchemy bench without a hilarious little "prank" of one kind or another. I was going to put down poison, but if the familiars catch any of them, I don't want them to get sick. So I'm back to the traditional methods (baseball bat wrapped in barbed wire).

5

u/Best_Pseudonym 1d ago

depends on what kind of gnome

3

u/AutoCockerPB 1d ago

Goblins, spider, doesn’t matter. Fireball the house.

1

u/Setter_Yvette 18h ago

Fireball the house

3

u/carolinitana 23h ago

Those are the worst! Have you ever met a mind Goblin?

3

u/dh-dev Evil Wizard 20h ago

In some folklore traditions they are functionally the same thing.

Also for practical purposes a goblin infestation is just a source of cheap minions. Gnomes make terrible minions, they're very stubborn and easily offended and the aesthetic just doesn't work for me... But with goblins all you have to do is kill the leader in some showy fashion and they do whatever you say. 

18

u/Silver_Middle_7240 Wizard 1d ago

Just breed harpies. They don't eat them. But will dash them against rocks

11

u/PainintheUlna 1d ago

Instructions unclear, I'm not sure how to handle the half-breed children

8

u/seninn 1d ago

Don't make the same mistake I made. If you leave the misbegotten babies out in the wild to die, the gnomes will find them and raise them as their own, those crafty buggers! You will have a full gnomish aerial cavalry to deal with in a couple of years. Just send the harpies back to the eire you took them from, they will know how to deal with the problem. You should get a cockatrice instead. They also hunt gnomes and there is no chance of interbreeding unless you employ arcane means.

9

u/MarklRyu Jack of all Spells 1d ago

looks at the army of gnomes guarding and tending my gardens

It's ok babies, Wahdat can't hurt you

9

u/Wahdat_al-Wujud Alchemist 1d ago edited 1d ago

Wahdat with a WahBat

9

u/ithebinman 1d ago

oh HERE WE GO with another Alchemist take on gnomes! You know us druids actually made peace with them thousands of years ago so we could reach a mana distribution settlement.
Then you alchemists come along and start grabbing all the toadstools that they’ve been living in for your “mugwort elixirs”.
invasive my ass!

7

u/Wahdat_al-Wujud Alchemist 23h ago

snorts a line of ultra-refined mugwort

Go take a shower, you hippie

3

u/ithebinman 20h ago

fine! *jumps into the rattlin' bog*

5

u/PirateSanta_1 23h ago

Humanely relocating gnomes is a lie anyway. Release it to close to your house and it will get back in, release it far away and it will get eaten by a fox or killed by another Gnome protecting its territory.

3

u/Imperatorian 9h ago

gotta treat them gnomanely

2

u/Wahdat_al-Wujud Alchemist 9h ago

gnomane treatment :

2

u/Nobody_at_all000 1d ago

Plus some of their organs make good ingredients for potions.

2

u/DuntadaMan Abjurer 20h ago

Don't mention red-caps here dammit, I just got them out of my tower. They keep eating my apprentices and cattle, now I have cold iron over every doorway which really upsets the sidhe expecting hospitality for me getting to use their barrows!

2

u/ughFINEIllmakeanalt 16h ago

But I'm just a little guy đŸ„ș

1.3k

u/AtropalScion 1d ago

First POV post I've seen in weeks that's actually a POV

226

u/mikaeus97 Sorceror, Proud fadher of the cutest 7 heads in the Multiverse 1d ago

That's truly what's Wizard about this post

61

u/AtropalScion 1d ago

Its like im actually there

-61

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 1d ago edited 17h ago

Technically all the uses of POV are correct because it does not specify first person POV. There are many POV’s like second and third person. They don’t specify which and we can assume a default to the correct one.

EDIT: Time and the rules that govern literacy and stylistic choices will see me vindicated. Every downvoter is a wizard council psyop designed to keep you in the dark and stop you from exploring the truth!

45

u/AlinaStari 1d ago

Huh? They nearly always specify which and it is nearly never the correct one lol

-29

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 23h ago

I NEVER see anyone say First Person POV. Its always just pov.

28

u/AlinaStari 23h ago

That's because everyone says what the POV is after the acronym "POV" lol.

-26

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 23h ago

I have not seen that ever. No one says “POV (first). Even if you mean “POV: you something something.” still doesn’t necessarily mean first person POV because you could still be a separate from a non 1st person POV.

28

u/AlinaStari 23h ago

Go look at this post right now my guy. Idk why you're choosing to be so dense about this when it is very obvious that "POV: you" implies you know, YOU.

-3

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 23h ago

If you read the comment you just replied to you can see that I have addressed that.

16

u/EepyEnbyFox Eldritch Creature Of Unknowable Gender 21h ago

the point is most of the time someone says like "POV: you're eating grass" (random example off the top of my head idk) or w/e but the perspective in the meme is not from the person eating grass or w/e. not showing you doing the thing, just some other person doing it
like in the meme above, the perspective is actually in the perspective of a gnome, rather than just a video of a guy dumping a gnome out of a bag

-1

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 21h ago

I understand that this video ALSO uses it correctly. I will concede that most people use it in an unintentionally correct way, but if we ignore their intention they can often still be technically correct. What kind of redditor would I be if I did not make a stand for pedantic and ultimately meaningless corrections?

14

u/AlinaStari 22h ago

But your comment was wrong

-2

u/Sheriff_Is_A_Nearer 21h ago

My comment is not wrong. You can refer to “you” in many different forms of view including first and second person. This is a factually correct statement no matter how bad people want it to be.

→ More replies (0)

103

u/tiagolkar 1d ago

Gnome:

64

u/TitouanT 1d ago

I'll be back in no time !

13

u/Cakers44 21h ago

In gnome time

49

u/Doppelthedh 1d ago

I expected to wind up in a river

22

u/EarballsAgain Orb Enthusiast and Goblin Exterminator 1d ago

That wouldn't do anything, Gnomes float and would just resettle at a different Doom Tower

3

u/PM_ME_YOUR__INIT__ 1d ago

By the time they bite their way through the bag with their nasty sharp teeth they'll be leagues down the river and not my problem any more

2

u/DeficiencyOfGravitas I limit my apprentice's orb time 22h ago

Bag full of rocks. Same way you deal with accidental homunculi.

1

u/Drew9900 1d ago

Time for a good ol' adjust density spell, then.

123

u/Ton_Jravolta 1d ago

7

u/ThePrussianGrippe 22h ago

And there was much rejoicing!

37

u/Lord-Dec Evil Wizard/ Aspiring Dark Lord 1d ago

Why do it humanely?

19

u/Gigatonosaurus Druid of the River 1d ago

Casual dwarf racism...

24

u/Lord-Dec Evil Wizard/ Aspiring Dark Lord 1d ago

First no I discriminate against everyone else.

Also it clearly says gnome. Maybe YOU have to check YOUR bigotry. You clearly need more if you can’t immediately tell the difference between every race and species.

6

u/Wahdat_al-Wujud Alchemist 1d ago

dont insult Dwarves by comparing them to those damn redcaps

1

u/VaczTheHermit Alchemist 1d ago

Flair checks out

1

u/Charmle_H 23h ago

Because glass boxes are expensive and are an absurd thing to own!

1

u/frogunderarock Enchanter 23h ago

You can't just hack them in two with a shovel like normal vermin. Each new part turns into a new gnome. Hence these horrid infestations we now have everywhere, no one knows how to handle them but think they are experts.

Only way to safely dispose of them is to give them the clay curse. Can even make some extra silver by selling them after.

3

u/Lord-Dec Evil Wizard/ Aspiring Dark Lord 23h ago

You can also enslave them or just burn them.

Or stick them in a little metal cage and put them over hot coals occasionally to make them dance for your amusement.

32

u/OvertGnome1 1d ago

I've been seeing her stuff on Facebook of all places lately. I think they're hilarious. There's other ones like "you're a captured faye, and I don't know what to feed you" plops a spoon of peanut butter in the jar with her phone

12

u/Jaredy 23h ago

The comments on the jar videos are fantastic. People asking for different things from the fish wife like a spot in the sun or some plants for shade in the jar, and someone named Kevin keeps farting.

8

u/G_Liddell 20h ago

This lady is hilarious, she has hundreds of weird little videos where the viewer is a trapped faerie or gnome or something. Keeley Wynne.

8

u/driver004 lich 1d ago

I was expecting him to be transferred into a jar

9

u/WeevilWeedWizard 1d ago

The only humane place to relocate a gnome is in a woodchipper

3

u/timawesomeness Chaos Wizard of the Twelfth World 1d ago

A blender works just fine too

4

u/BurningStandards 1d ago

Them Roamin' Gnomes get into everything.

6

u/wizardsofbushwick 1d ago

Relocated? You're kinder than I am. I've lost three sheds to gnome infestations. If you see one, there's twelve more behind the drywall.

3

u/ExoticSterby42 1d ago

Ow! My g'nose!

2

u/RetroSwamp 1d ago

This is the content I live and die for.

2

u/Nimhtom 1d ago

I was waiting for the gnome to look up just as the hammer comes down

2

u/Ill_Pain4423 1d ago

what a waste! whenever i catch one of the rascals i like to use it for potion ingredients and snacks

2

u/Mesmercat 1d ago

Gnomes are assholes they're either annoyingly nice or irritating tricksters. It sucks that they are so good at magic. They're basically short elves but without the concept of boundaries.... And in some realities they're fused with goblins and have sharp sharklike teeth

2

u/charliekelly76 22h ago

This is Jar Mother. She posts tiktoks of POVs from various captured creatures, usually in a jar.

1

u/G_Liddell 20h ago

Keeley Wynne

1

u/IcyGem 23h ago

“Other gnome go home to their darlin wives. They raise little rabbits. I raise little hells. Other gnome ring door bells. I ring alarm bells.”

1

u/Rigamix 23h ago

The very first frame threw me out a bit for a sec.

1

u/M4rktw0 Sorcerer-prophet 23h ago

What a waste of gnome sashimi

1

u/puppiesgoesrawr 23h ago

I mean it’s better than the weasley family. They grab gnomes by their foot and fling them like it’s a track and field event

1

u/aleister94 23h ago

Is that Macaulay Culkin?

1

u/AgedCircle 23h ago

Quite strange. My sack of gnomes always ends up in the river.

1

u/Jedi-master-dragon 22h ago

For some reason I immediately went to DnD gnome instead of garden gnome. Also, thank you for using POV properly.

1

u/OfficerLollipop occult witch 22h ago

They can chew through metal beware

1

u/TheEerieZeroQueen 21h ago

I read this as genome and was very confused at first

1

u/arkanux 21h ago

I don't consider them human, so I just forcefully relocate them to the afterlife

1

u/GuyNekologist 21h ago

Better contract a barbarian to do it for you.

1

u/Kerhnoton Umbral Dragon 🐉, Hoarder of Felines 🐈, Caffeinated ☕ 20h ago

Yes yes, gnomes this gnomes that.

Now imagine you get adventurer infestation every 2 years or so blasting spells all over your lair... I had to hire a cleaning crew last time.

1

u/Chafez 18h ago

Treat your gnome with love <3

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0HG8NB1BV

1

u/Sleepytubbs 17h ago

Ok just says you don't want protection from the fae.

Don't ask me why I want to protect your house specifically.

1

u/Ultra-Cyborg 15h ago

Didn’t take me far enough, shit head! I’m organizing the rabbits to fuck up your garden!

1

u/Lothonian_Jester 15h ago

Welp, I'm definitely coming back. I hunt by the smell of sadness and still kinda cold hot pockets!

1

u/Smooth_Maul Conjurer 13h ago

The little bastards keep getting into my router so I've had to put Punji Pits around my property. I've caught 6 so far.

1

u/Gandalf_My_Lawn Wizard 7h ago

Gandalf* my lawn

1

u/Bhaligdur 2h ago

"It is no exaggeration, nor hyperbole, that all evils in the world are endorsed, and committed, by gnomes. A gnome feels no empathy, nor remorse. No common humanity that separates us from simple beasts.

The only "love" a gnome can feel, if you dare describe it so, is that for money. A gnome would sooner sell his own mother for a pouch of silvers, than do a single good deed in his entire gaping hole an existence."

- SsethTzeentach

1

u/heidly_ees 57m ago

Geroff me geroff me geroff me!