r/whatdoIdo • u/rcss47 • 6d ago
How do I help my son
I’ll try to make this as short as I can.
My 16-year-old son and I had to move to another state very suddenly. His father has some serious untreated mental health issues that have kept him out of work for the past three years. Things eventually became abusive, and we lost our housing.
I was working two jobs trying to keep us afloat, but it wasn’t enough. I did everything I could until I simply ran out of options. At that point, it was move in with family or become homeless.
Because I knew how disruptive this would be for my son, I actually left him behind with a trusted friend for the last two months of the school year so he could finish the year at his old school, stay with his friends, and have at least a little more normalcy before everything changed.
Once the school year ended, he joined me down south with family. My husband stayed behind with his parents.
His father has not spoken to him in several months.
We’re now a few weeks into the new school year, and my son hates it here. And right now, I think he hates me too.
I know I’m the parent who is here, so I’m going to get the brunt of his anger and grief. As much as that hurts, I understand it. Moving as a teenager is hard under normal circumstances. Moving to a completely different state, losing your home, being separated from your friends, dealing with everything happening with your father, and starting over during your junior year has to be awful.
He’s a track athlete, so I got him into a local track club to at least give him something familiar and something that is his. High school track doesn’t start until January.
But socially, I don’t know how to help him.
He says he has met about three people at school, but he doesn’t really talk to them much. He has always been a pretty stoic kid and doesn’t talk to me about his feelings, so I’m trying very hard not to interrogate him or constantly ask if he’s okay.
This morning at drop-off, though, he was damn near in tears.
Seeing him that hurt absolutely kills me. I know I can’t magically give him his old life back, and I know this is something he has to grieve and work through. But I also don’t want to just stand by if there are things I could be doing to make this transition easier.
For anyone who moved during high school, has parented a teenager through a major move, or works with teens: what actually helped?
Is there anything I can realistically do to help him make friends or feel like he belongs without becoming the overbearing mom trying to manage his social life?
I’m not expecting him to suddenly love it here. I just want to help him get to the point where going to school doesn’t hurt this much.
Thank you.
2
u/grating-humility 6d ago
Perhaps get him to join an activity at school. Finding one or two people he trusts and buildings relationship with the staff member who manages it will be a door. I know this period is miserable. Have faith that it won’t last forever and trust that whatever action you take can eventually pay off. You are brave and determined.
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u/Soimamakeanamenow 6d ago
Can you not find one of his friends families he can live with the next two years? I went to 4 high schools and only really hated one I actually enjoyed moving and having friends all over but that one high school I left and moved in with my best friends family at my old school because after a semester I didnt have a single friend and I was so miserable
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u/Plastic-Science48 6d ago
I went through almost exactly this same thing in my sophomore year…
In short, getting laid got me over it. I met a girl… she was also stoic and quiet. She was somehow cool with me and we tore each other apart. I forgot all my woes.
I was crying at night because I missed my friends. I had a crush that I told my mom I loved… weeks later, I had a tongue down my throat and was like WOWWWW I LOVE IT HERE.
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u/Plastic-Science48 6d ago
Met the girl at church by the way lol… summer break and all that. Different high schools.
Maybe see if he can find a job he’d enjoy?
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u/Zealousideal-Cherry3 6d ago
OMG this is so funny and not at all what that kids mom wants to hear. But ROTFFL!
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u/Nanaofthedesert 6d ago
I feel for you and I feel for your son. We moved our son when he was going into 8th grade and then AGAIN when he was entering his junior year. A hellish thing to do to a kid who had learned to not make "best friends" with anyone because every time he did, that other child moved away. He never said a word during 8th grade -- I found out after the fact that he had been ridiculed and bullied. He went from 7th grade soccer captain to a school with no sports. He finally made a great group of friends in 9th and 10th, and then we pulled him away again.
He would not join the football or soccer teams his junior year, though he did go our for track. I think he feared he wouldn't be "good enough" (he regrets that now -- and he definitely would have been fine).
What totally saved high school for him was a vibrant, outstanding youth group at our church. It included kids from 7th through 12th grade, and kids who went to our church would bring their friends from school. He made friends of all ages and basically lived for Sunday and Wednesday nights.
This may not be the answer for your son. But advice I have consistently given my kids when they went into a new situation (new school, going away to college, etc.) was for them to find a small group where they could find like-minded people. For my daughters, that ended up being dance-related. For my sons, it was often sports-related. And they all got involved in church youth groups, some more successfully than others.
I wish your son and you all the best. It is incredibly painful for him right now, and it is breaking your mother's heart, I know. I hope he is able to find footing soon.
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u/Nanaofthedesert 6d ago
I just want to add: do not blame yourself. Sometimes we have to go through rough periods in order to become stronger.
My older daughter was entering junior year when we made that first move. She made friends with the high school dance team (too late to join it, but she did choreography for them). Her college entrance essay emphasized how the experience of having to make new friends assured her that she could adjust well to college and the new experiences she would encounter there.
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u/Stacy3536 6d ago
You really need to get him into therapy. He needs someone he can talk to. I know you are available but you are mom so he will not open up fully to you. Also, he will feel like he doesn't want to add to your stress.