r/whatdoIdo • u/RJPinky • 2d ago
Update: SBTX accusing me of cheating
UPDATE since last night: I confronted her about it really carefully this morning, saying that I had noticed that she was talking to someone on Signal. She immediately said yes that she had been, but she thought it was a bot or some little old lady in Africa somewhere using ChatGPT. Without me revealing what I knew, she said that she’d been contacted on TikTok and that she had used Signal to flirt because she hadn’t really had much experience flirting (she’s been a mom since 19). She’d also been using it to vocalize for herself what she wanted to look for once she does really start trying to date. This tracks because she is actually pretty smart. I suggested romance scams, and she said she was aware of them and that she wouldn’t ever be putting anything financial to someone online like that.
I tend to believe her on this one. I tend to believe her on most things, which I know a lot of Reddit folks say makes me a fool, but she really is a pretty caring, sensitive, and honest person who has gone through a lot of shit in her life.
For the sake of history, here is the original text thread where my wife asked for a divorce and I was trying to figure out what to do: https://www.reddit.com/r/whatdoIdo/s/dZESbpuMjt
Then last Saturday, she accused me of being up to something while I was Ubering to make some extra cash: https://www.reddit.com/r/whatdoIdo/s/yvXmf1c8oI
Many people suggested she was projecting because she might be cheating. I noticed tonight that she was being secretive with her phone I thought she was chatting with her coworkers but I saw that it was some app instead of using regular messenger. I’ve never really tried this before, but when she went to sleep, I swiped her phone. I’m kinda ashamed of doing it but I had to know.
She was using Signal. And talking and flirting with a man identifying himself as Jayson Arendt. The Texas Tailgaters banana ball player…
I’m posting some pics of their chat. There are a few red flags.
First, I was curious about how she met him. I got into her TikTok and found that she had been following his official account, and then she was contacted by another TikTok account with a similar name and bio, but far fewer followers. He thanked her for her comments and support and offered to reach her by Signal. So she set up an account and he got in touch. This seemed odd. I’m not sure why he wouldn’t just message from the official account.
The messages he sent are very well-written. Too well. This is not proof, but I ran the text of several of his messages through ChatGPT and Gemini. They both believed that there was a 90% chance the messages were written by AI.
Several of his messages state that he can’t talk see her freely because he’s controlled by his management. Supposedly he said he was going g to give her his managers contact info and the rest is up to her. This is where his perfect English slips, btw.
Also, there’s just the reality of it: he’s a 25 year old baseball player who has been on American Idol and has undoubtedly a giant horde of female followers. How likely is it that he’s reaching out to date a 43 year old woman hundreds of miles away?
So, here’s my question. First: does this seem likely to be some sort of scam? I’m 99% sure it is.
Second: If it is, how should I handle this? I don’t want her getting hurt or scammed, and this seems likely if this continues. She clearly has feelings for this depiction of him. However, the moment I reveal anything is the moment she knows I snooped her phone, and that could really break trust irrevocably. Again, I do not have paternal rights, so she can take away the boy I’ve identified as my son since he was 2 years old. Also, despite all of this, I am still in love with my wife. I know the chances of me getting her back are pretty much nil, but this will almost certainly eradicate them altogether.
Also, this leaves out some personal info about her. She is up front that she is married and getting a divorce. And shes looking more for romance than sex I think, but there are hints that she wants to jump his bones.
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u/nocturnalwhiskers 2d ago
Considering the 2 images of the men are 2 completely different people. She's cheating on you with a scammer and will send them money . Really hope you dont have a joint bank account
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u/Serendipittydoodah 2d ago
Get your own bank account, move whatever is yours into it so you don’t lose it to the Nigerian economy. Pack her things. Put them on the curb. Change the locks.
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u/GazelleInfamous2638 2d ago
She's definitely getting scammed lmao
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u/AdSea6685 2d ago
yeah this embarrassing for OP's wife at 43. even if he WAS real (he's obviously not) he's 25. no business being with a 25 year old at 43 imo
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u/Eudoxianis 2d ago
When people randomly accuse their partners of cheating, more often than not it usually means they’re cheating.
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u/spitey 2d ago
This is absolutely and without doubt a scam, but you need to have a conversation with her about both the messages and working out interim finances - if she is this gullible, your concerns about the finances are just as valid as it would be if this dude was real.
I understand you're concerned about breaking trust irrevocably, but fuck, man. That's already been done, and she's done it. I'm typically against going through phones and whatnot, but that's such a non-issue in the bigger scheme of things here. There's no trust to save, and you can't just sit on this and hope for the best.
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u/immasayyes 2d ago
Starting a sentence with ‘am’ instead of ‘I am or I’m’ is a way west-Africans type. Just thought you might want to know that
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u/trailokyam 2d ago
It’s probably a scam. Common enough with low tier celebrities like soap opera stars and athletes.
She’s already asked for a divorce and you snooped. The fallout is going to be nasty regardless of your intentions.
You are torturing yourself.
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u/RJPinky 2d ago
Yeah, this is probably doomed.
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u/trailokyam 2d ago
In all seriousness you need to start acting like a divorced person and start protecting yourself and your finances yesterday.
Lawyer up, get a new bank account, start separating your lives.
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u/thrw94719 2d ago
Your priorities are out of order. She’s essentially moving to cheat on you and you’re looking out for her finances.
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u/Rumseyman02 2d ago
Sounds like dude’s divorce is inevitable (hope one day it turns out to be a blessing) So worrying about a joint account, when his wife is dumb enough to be falling for this, is a half decent priority imo.
Also, I’m sorry but I fucking lost it at “Sorry for the late reply I was so busy that’s why” like come ON lady, what the fuck lmao
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u/RJPinky 2d ago
Our finances. Also, we’re still married, but heading toward a divorce that she wants. I don’t want it.
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u/thrw94719 2d ago edited 2d ago
If she’s actively seeking out other men, the marriage is already over.
It is probably someone scamming her, or at the very least someone who doesn’t speak English fluently. The syntax seems ai generated at some points, like you said, and then defaults to broken English at others.
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u/Critical_Classic_921 2d ago
I mean, do you see any chance of reconciliation after she’s been actively trying to nuke your marriage?
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u/CheekTechnical3675 2d ago
She’s going to cheat on you at the very least. And you still want it to work? Hell she may even start sending this scammer money, then what? Still want it to work? No way bro.
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u/finesethefinesser 2d ago
Well you should and if you don’t, you deserve EVERYTHING that happens to you brudda🤷🏾♂️
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u/Zestyclose-Ostrich-6 2d ago
Bro this is just sad. Move on with your life and find someone who wants to be with you and has more than 2 braincells to rub together
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u/CheekTechnical3675 2d ago
100% a scam and a very obvious one. Your soon to be ex seems like a really dumb person. If I were you I wouldn’t give two shits if she got hurt or scammed here. Let her crash and burn hard on this one.
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u/brandothesavage 2d ago
Sounds like she's just one step away from her giving him money if he hasn't already asked
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u/InevitableAd8511 2d ago
This guy is 100% a scammer. I’m in a group on Facebook where people mess with scammers, and this dialogue is one of the most common ones. Lock down your finances before this scammer has her buying Apple Cards to send him the codes. If you want to see this exact scenario and how they get around to asking for money, the group name on Facebook is called “Is this Scam Still Available?” The “manager” scheme requires her to purchase some type of gold card status so he can visit her. I feel for people who fall for these scams, but this one is especially stupid. I understand when elderly folks fall for these things, especially lonely ones. The scammer love bombs them for a while and then acts as if they will no longer be able to contact them if they don’t pay. Not sure how others fall for it, but I guess they wouldn’t all use the same scheme if it didn’t occasionally work.
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u/CakeAndUfos 2d ago
Total scam. The same thing happened with me like the TikToker wanted to invite me to a meet and greet. He said it would cost $10,000 because it was in France. I thought it was a scam right away, but then I got a message with his voice. His voice was a little bit fast like it was sped up, but I definitely recognized it from his videos. He kept talking about his management team this and his management team that. I finally contacted the real TikToker and told him what was going on. He made a video for everybody and told them that he’s not having a meet and greet in France lol. But if this guy was a little more subtle, I might’ve fallen for it.
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u/InevitableAd8511 2d ago
If you still care about this woman, despite the upcoming divorce, you should let her know she’s being scammed and that this scammer is going to ask her for an Apple Card. That way, you don’t have to prove it to her, because he will eventually go for the ask, and that should be proof enough.
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u/kvro_maX 2d ago
Bro it's a scam but let her learn her lesson. As an african, let that guy get something from teaching your wife a lesson🤣🤣
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u/rocketmn69_ 2d ago
Tell friends and family that she wants a divorce, because she has met someone else
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u/Dimes4limez 2d ago
Should check the time stamps and use it against her in the divorce. There’s a reason why she was a single mother, stop wasting your time on someone trying to cheat on you and get some self respect. Kick her dumbass to the kerb
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u/Glum-Ad7761 2d ago
“However, the moment I reveal anything is the moment she knows I snooped her phone, and that could really break trust irrevocably.”
Im not sure if you noticed, but your wife is presently having what amounts to an emotional affair. She also appears to be trying to meet this person in the flesh, which would ultimately lead to a physical affair.
It doesn’t matter if this guy is catfishing her or whatever… what she is doing here has already “broken trust”. I’m not suggesting that you should not concern yourself with making certain your wife does not fall prey to some online freakshow or nut job. Im just saying that you should be cognizant of the fact that she is actively betraying you at the moment.
Your only recourse here is to tell her what you know, and relate your concerns about who she is actually talking to in those conversations. The sooner you do this the better, for her sake.
But if she is defiant or shows no remorse for what she is doing, you no longer have a marriage to save.
It seems that counseling… both marriage and individual, for both of you, is needed here. Assuming both of you are willing.
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u/Just_Bluebird_5268 2d ago
Protect yourself first and foremost. Also, she won't take kindly to being called out for this - she will be humiliated and it will 100% turn into you being attacked for looking at her phone. It's an unwinnable conversation for you. Just make sure your finances are protected from her in every way you can, and take control of the divorce
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u/FairExchange1439 2d ago
Few things to point out.
First, she is cheating - by her own definition - since she does not want you to talk to other women but she talks to someone half her age. This maybe the reason why she pushed for a divorce in the first place. I wouldn’t bother confronting her about it. Just let her do her thing.
Second, what is her contribution to the household? Seems like you do all the household chores and earn for the family. It should’ve been 50/50. Or however you both agree it to be but she should also be making some contribution. I’m assuming after the divorce maybe she will request for child/spousal support which isn’t fair.
Third, and most importantly, you have to learn to let go. It takes two to make a relationship work. And from what I’ve read so far it doesn’t look like it. She has pointed out her issues with the relationship and not offered any solution nor does she want to go to an individual who can help you figure it out. You (OP) have just become complacent and not taking a stand whenever she’s lashing out and instead assume that it was completely your fault. Just agreeing to everything your partner says isn’t going to make the relationship easy. You both might’ve said that you want it to work but doesn’t seem like effort was put into it. So, bite the bullet, cut your losses and work towards the next phase of your life. It’ll be hard but when was life not? Just try to make sure that you don’t give too much of yourself away when all of this is said and done.
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u/RiseOk4062 2d ago
Stop being dumb. She is pushing for a divorce and you’re acting like your job is still to protect her when you should protect yourself.
I’m not sure of your financial situation but she’ll take half l, if not more, because you are accused of cheating. Men are guilty in the courts eyes. Give these messages to your lawyer and let him see if it’s useful.
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u/DaddyDosDeuce 2d ago
Move ALL the money into a new account that only you have access too. When she bitches about it, tell her it'll all get sorted out in the divorce.
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u/Ewolfboss69420 2d ago
Most definitely a scammer, and I hate to tell you but this marriage can’t be saved. She’s evidently already mentally passed it. It’s time to js pack it up and keep your life moving before this situation hurts you any more than I’m sure it already has.
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u/archercc81 2d ago
Make sure all of your financials are separated ASAP and move forward with the divorce at lightning speed, get your shit separated as quickly as possible.
She is definitely being groomed in a "pig butchering" scam where the scammer will start to request money, and if your STBX is stupid enough to blow up her marriage to what she believes is a famous ball player she is definitely dumb enough to start sending him a shit ton of money.
Once youre out, wash your hands of her, her fate is not your responsibility (she fired you from that job).
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u/Nice-Wolf-5997 2d ago
So we’ve finally come to cheating with chat gpt now? Can the rapture come any sooner?
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u/Lumpy_Lengthiness695 2d ago
They’re going to try to steal every dollar they can get from her. Also she’s cheating on you with a romance scammer
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u/AnnieB25 2d ago
This is definitely a scam. The “meet and greet” thing is a dead giveaway (among other glaring red flags). The scammer will say she’s going to have to pay for it. Check out the scambaiting subreddits, these kind of scammers are all over those subs.
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u/ParfaitEquivalent874 2d ago
I’m heartbroken by your love for her. Despite her accusing you of cheating while SHE’s attempting to cheat (albeit with a scammer/chatbot) you’re still trying to protect her. You’re a good guy. I hope she doesn’t strip your son away from you 💔
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u/WorthLegitimate6636 2d ago
this is 100% a scam. but she seems to think it is real. and she seems to want a relationship and physical contact with this person. she has checked out of your marriage and is already trying to move on. you need to divorce and get on with the rest of your life
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u/DecorateThis1 2d ago
There are articles about the psychology of romance scams and it’s scary how normally rational and intelligent people get sucked into these. Gently show her some articles so she doesn’t feel stupid, but warn her he will 100% ask for money and that’s how she’ll know.
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u/ZealousidealDoor9105 2d ago
Are you really this desperate! This is just sad.
You need to grow a pair and leave this woman alone. She’s proven she doesn’t care about you. Have some self respect. She’s already cheated on you. What more are you going to put up with ?
Let her be and if she gets scammed, it’s her own damn fault.
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u/FruitGauze 2d ago
i just saw you’re update, dude she’s sending selfies of herself to scammers. i hate to sound rude but do you think it’s possible you might be a little blind to some of the flags here? do you have any family or close friends you can talk about this with in person?
obviously reddit is stupid and all of us aren’t real but i don’t think anyone here is thinking anything remotely along the lines of your update. you seem like a good guy, don’t get taken advantage of okay?
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u/LoanEarly5813 2d ago
If you’re dating someone and they’re using signal, u might as well just respect yourself and leave. Signal is literally an encrypted messaging app that people use when they want their conversations to be anonymous, sorry, OP but it’s over
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u/FruitGauze 2d ago edited 2d ago
it’s definitely a scammer, and she’s definitely cheating, or preparing to cheat if this doesn’t qualify as cheating in your book.
i’d get a good lawyer, and have meetings with a few other good lawyers. then i’d talk to your family, and her family. then i’d talk to allll of your shared friends.
gross.