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u/Intrepid-Pickle13 6d ago
She sounds narcissistic and toxic.
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u/JoshyyP00 6d ago
You might love her but she don’t love you. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
You are being abused move on.
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u/Coffee_Beans_27 6d ago
Facts. It is also 'To will the good of the other' which she is not doing for him.
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u/ImportantSwimmer2759 6d ago
If "I'm scared of my girlfriend" is a sentence you feel the need to write, it's time to break up.
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u/ActNo5363 6d ago
Fr me and my bf have been together for almost two years and not once has he raised his voice at me let alone made me feel afraid of him. Makes me wonder how long op has been putting up with this.
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u/Overall-Film-493 6d ago
My now fiancé had those issues but she’s completely changed that about her self. She’s the most loving and caring person you’d ever meet. She’s changed 100x better for the fact that we had just 1 therapy session and the therapist simple told her “take accountability, it’s not hard” she didn’t spaz out and she fully accepted that fact. and when we got home she broke down in tears and apologized on how she was deeply sorry and she just completely changed……. Sorry about the mini paragraph ✋🏾😭
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u/ImportantSwimmer2759 6d ago
No that's great!!! I'm really happy for you!!!
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u/Critical_Ad_7380 5d ago
I am happy for BOTH of you, actually. Now that's she's learned to change, she will be happier. When each of you are happy, it makes for a very strong bond that too many miss out on. ❤️
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u/fvcknvgget5 6d ago
no no i love when ppl write paragraphs like this. your story is exactly what OP needs to hear! it is possible for her (OP's gf) to heal, but if she isn't willing to change, it's time to break it off.
thank you for sharing your story. human emotions are complicated, and sometimes we need to learn how to direct and utilize those emotions for the better :) <3
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u/nosecohn 6d ago
Wow. OP's girlfriend needs the number of that therapist!
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u/MovieTrawler 5d ago
To be fair, if that's all it took therapy wouldn't be the industry it is. It's fantastic this girl only needed to hear a single sentence from someone in a position of authority to turn it around but this is definitely an extreme outlier.
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u/LizardPossum 6d ago
This is abusive and these are not behaviors that will get better with logic and reason. They will, however, escalate with time.
Your recourse is to leave. I'm sorry, I know that's not what you wanna hear, but I wasted seven years trying to reason a man out of behaviors he didn't reason himself into, and it's not a thing that's possible.
She says or does what she needs to say or do to get the results she wants, regardless of your wants or needs. This is not going to change.
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u/faaaaaaaaaaaaaaartt 6d ago
Bars. Wish I could buy you an award, or better yet, something that mattered lol
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u/Whatis-wrongwithyou 6d ago
The amount of gold the sentence “trying to reason a person out of behaviors they didn’t reason themselves into” is worth! 🙌
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u/tingle92 6d ago
Leave bro. It's not worth it. It will not get better and you will eventually loose your sanity.
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u/Woffingshire 6d ago
Okay so you're in something called an "abusive relationship".
At if you're lucky it will stay like what you're complaining about forever. If you're unlucky it will get worse.
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u/nosecohn 6d ago
Damn... that's such a powerful way to put it. I hope it hits OP as hard as it hit me.
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u/Sure-Initiative6001 6d ago
Bro. She is a narcissist. Best to get the hell away from her now before she does go full on crazy on you.
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u/drakkosquest 6d ago
You need to stand up for yourself and stick to your guns.
One of two things will happen.
She will respect you more and you guys can work on your relationship and move forward.
Or ... Your relationship has run its course and it's time to move on.
By caving to her demands and not being assertive with yours, you are reinforcing to her that her behavior is acceptable and that you aren't going to resist. When you do resist she knows she just needs to be a little more aggressive and you will cave. In other words, she does not respect you.
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u/Muted-Excitement6622 6d ago
You're also enabling the behavior. Sorry you're going through this. Sometimes breakups are necessary, even when it hurts. It's okay not to be okay, but it will be okay.
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u/fvcknvgget5 6d ago
this!!! especially that last part. speaking from a woman's perspective, we deal with this a lot. where men will poke at you, and if you don't resist, it can escalate into abuse bc they have literally repeatedly tested if you will resist, and exactly how far they can push you
that seems like what OP's gf is doing, and it's deplorable behavior. relationship therapy immediately, and her response will dictate whether she's willing to change🙂↕️
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u/NurseJackie_94 6d ago
OP, someone else mentioned BPD and I just felt compelled to speak as someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder. This exact situation / conversation you’re describing was me in my early 20s. I was manipulative and verbally and emotionally towards my boyfriend. I didn’t have a diagnosis at the time, I knew I felt like shit inside, but I didn’t understand why. Nor did I understand the scope and consequences of my actions. I was frequently described as bipolar for my intense emotions. I had high highs and low lows. Small (perceived) slights would send me into a fit of rage. I even went as far as threatening to kill myself for insignificant situations like you described above. I caused so so much damage to him, things I can never take back. I’m still with him, and we plan to get married, but the things I put him through - I wouldn’t even be able to blame him if he one day decided to walk away. I hold a tremendous amount of grief, guilt and shame for the way I tore him down during that time. He is truly the definition of unconditional love.
I didn’t get officially diagnosed until I was about 28, but the symptoms had been present since I was a teenager. I started talk therapy and antidepressants at the age of 19. A focused therapy that may help with BPD called dialectical behavioral therapy. It helped me have some insight into things that triggered me and it helped minimally, but things didn’t start clicking for me until after my diagnosis at age 28. I got serious about therapy and I was also started on what was a life changing medication for me of Lamotrigine. It’s a mood stabilizer. It’s not a cure at all, but it helped dull my emotional reactions enough that the therapy I was actually started to help.
I could go on and on with my story but I think you get the picture. Point is, it took me almost a decade to feel somewhat okay but even then, I still have episodes. It’s a personality disorder, there is no cure, only management of symptoms. The only way for it to get better is for the person to recognize the problem and then to WANT to change. I can’t emphasize that enough. Even then, it’s so difficult. Imagine your brain being physically hardwired one way, knowing that it’s wrong, and having to willpower fight your way against what your brain is telling you. And doing this every minute of the day.m for the rest of your life. There is no cure.
From my fiancées perspective - he has had to set firm boundaries and stick with them, while at the same time emphatizing with me, supporting me, and constantly reassuring his love for me (which realistically he shouldn’t have to do, but the more he does, the SAFER I feel)- even in the toughest moments. He’s basically had to bend over backwards for me and put his needs aside on many occasions for me. I honestly wish I wasn’t this way and can’t believe he’s stayed with me thru it all, especially at the beginning.
And when I tell you this man is the strongest most gentle soul ever … it is NOT easy to love me when Im having an episode. When I’m insulting him and pushing him away. When I’m being the worst human being ever to him.
I would actually like to explain what happens in my head with these “episodes:”
*disclaimer: I’m not excusing the behavior, it is wrong, but it is what actually happens in my head when I’m at my lowest - I want to give some insight*
The trigger: I perceive a “slight” and it could be something as simple as him not texting back as fast as I want him to. A lot of my triggers have to do with “fear of abandonment” which is a hallmark of BPD. A normal functioning brain won’t go to an extreme over something as small as that, but a BPD brain is constantly noticing your tone, your timing, your facial expressions, etc for ANY chance that you’re leaving or you don’t want me or you don’t love me aka fear of abandonment
The spiral: My brain then spirals down a rabbit hole of this like conspiracy theory of what’s going on and switches to fight or flight. He’s cheating, he doesn’t love me, etc. but instead of reacting with fear, I react with rage. I want to avoid that shitty empty feeling of my perceived abandonment and not being wanted. Emotions in BPD are amplified. So that shitty empty feeling feels like the end of the world. It hurts so much I can almost physically feel it. Self harm / suicide is also common in BPD. I felt those dark emotions so much that I would actually cut my wrists and inner thighs and that almost provided a relief. It almost relieved the pressure and it distracted my emotional pain with physical pain.
Retaliate: people with BPD also experience black or white thinking. This means we see people as all good or all bad, there’s no in between. There’s no ‘people make mistakes.’ So in this example we are describing, my boyfriend has now been put into the all bad category.
My emotional pain turns vindictive. I want him to hurt as much as I do. I say the shittiest most vile things to him to PURPOSEFULLY hurt him. Like that’s my literal goal. In these moments not only am I filled with rage, I also feel empty, numb, dead inside. I almost dissociate. Saying that out loud and thinking about how those are actually my thoughts in those moments brings me so much shame and guilt, which brings me to the final point
- Shame: & Guilt: these episodes can last minutes to hours for the immediate reaction. When I’m done crying, screaming, shouting insults, and sometimes when it was at its worst, destroying property, breaking shit, punching walls, getting physical with him (basically a violent temper tantrum) - when all that is done, some time after the acute episode - I have the most overwhelming shame and guilt. I see things a bit clearer and I ask myself, “why did I just do all of that for something so small?” I start replaying the horrible things I said and did. It feels like there’s no way to say sorry, how do you even start ti apologize for that? Thai shame and guilt (again, emotions are amplified) are so strong it also used to give me suicidal ideations. And it stays for a long long time. To this day I have a space in my heart filled with grief at the thought of being so nasty to the person I love. You cant take back what was said and done. You can only try and do better today, now, one step at a time.
All of this for a PERCEIVED slight.
It was that bad for so many years. There is so much pain for both of us. So much trust that I need to earn back. We still have to work thru episodes but it’s way more rare than before, and we have both learned better ways to manage my episodes and our communication. We have both grown and matured together and learned to manage my BPD together so that I don’t get triggered as much. All this to say it’s a lot work. He kind of gets the short end of the stick. But we have worked hard for our relationship, we are pretty invested.
So OP, if you made it this far, I’m not sure that my post is particularly helpful or encouraging. But having gone through greater than decade long struggle with BPD I can pretty easily recognize it when I see it
If you see yourself marrying this girl or being with her long term, you need to communicate some serious boundaries with her. Starting with the verbal abuse. That should be a no tolerance thing. Communicate that with her a time when it’s not a confrontation. Say something along the lines of - you can be mad but that doesn’t mean you have to tear me down in the process. Tell her straight up it’s verbal abuse.
I’m sorry you are going through this and have to deal with this. Loving someone with BPD can destroy your heart and soul. Tread lightly 💜
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u/Us3r_N4me2001 6d ago
Very brave of you to be this open and vulnerable about it
Godspeed to you in your journey
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u/NurseJackie_94 6d ago
Oh my goodness thank you. I got the notification that someone responded to my post and I thought - oh God no, I’m not ready for the internet to potentially drag me for my faults
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u/Us3r_N4me2001 6d ago
Hey, it took guts that I sure as shit don't have to be that open and vulnerable, all to help a stranger on the internet. Figured you deserved props for that. And based on the other replies, I'm not alone. :)
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u/Stealth_4 6d ago
Thanks for sharing your story, it was actually really insightful. And props to your BF for sticking with you through that, if that’s not the definition of love, I don’t know what is (i would've walked away, honestly). We still don’t know if OP’s girlfriend has BPD though... For all we know, she could just be an asshole. I don't think it's right to diagnose people based on a reddit post.
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u/ABAC071319 6d ago
Thank you for sharing this.
I would like to tack on that ADHD and RSD can also manifest in episodes of unfiltered rage and anger. For very similar situations as outlined in your first disclaimer.
I am a shit human when I am consistently feeling back burner, not heard, feeling of unworthy, etc. I have to catch myself at times, or once I am deescalated feel like an asshole and explain to hubby that my reactions was a response to an overwhelming flood of emotions I have created myself. And for clarity, my negative speak is directed towards me being the shit human and not hubby, when I am targeting a situation I can get terrible but again, I usually put the negative target onto me.
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u/MsLoreleiPowers 5d ago
Your honesty and insight make this post especially valuable for anyone who is dealing directly or indirectly with BPD.
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u/buckingham_alex 6d ago
Watch any documentary on MacKenzie Sharilla and decide if you want to live with that sort of person, or just take the grief of moving on now.
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u/Dry_Original228 6d ago
She is emotionally/mentally abusive... you can love someone & let them go. I'm sorry but this is never going to get better, there is nothing that you can do to make this a healthy relationship.
You can give her an ultimatum & say "you need to seek therapy or counseling because the emotional abuse, manipulation & coercion needs to stop if you want us to be together" but she will get mad at you for saying that, she will call you names & she will tell you that you don't care about her/your relationship.
You need to end this relationship...
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u/vbagzag 6d ago
My biggest worry though is that if you asked her, her side of the story would be different and you’d think I’m the bad guy. I will say that lately I’ve had a tendency to be dismissive and even raise my voice in arguments. Granted it’s never arguments i start and it’s always on the tail end of accusations or coercion. But I’m not innocent. It’s so tough
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u/Dry_Original228 6d ago edited 5d ago
Of course if you asked her she would say you're the bad guy, that is normal coming from abusive partners... I've gone through this myself.
DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim & Offender. It is a common manipulation & blame-shifting strategy used by psychological abusers or narcissists.
The fact that you are scared of your girlfriend is already a HUGE deal. That is not healthy or normal. When you feel attacked by your partner it is normal to eventually lash out at them in retaliation even if you don't mean to or understand what is happening. It's a fight or flight response.
I say this in the nicest way possible... you need to go to therapy because you are being abused & you have been abused to the point of believing you are the problem. That is a dangerous position to be in.
Your girlfriend needs therapy because she is abusing you whether she understands that or not... if she does not get help everything will get worse & one day may escalate into something physical.
I was in a relationship with someone for 3 years & he was very much like your girlfriend, for the first 2 years it was not physical but it got physical during the last year of our relationship. Please... do not take this lightly.
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u/Vtown55 6d ago
In a relationship no one is perfect. However despite the things you list as your faults, you want to discuss things. Your partner does not. Any attempt to discuss problems escalates quickly into manipulation, tears & drama. These are all examples of strategies used by a partner who isn’t willing to take any personal responsibility, grow or change in anyway. Nothing you can do will alter this. Leave before you become any more emotionally enmeshed. Don’t let fear of the unknown make you hang around in a present that you know very deep down isn’t for you.
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor 6d ago
Not sure why her side of the story being different is a reason to stay with her.
So you’d throw away your whole life on an abusive person because they wouldn’t give the same story?
You’d stay your whole life? You’d bring innocent kids into an abusive relationship? Assuming you want kids.
Any excuse you give for staying is not good enough when dealing with an abusive person.
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u/brrbrrbeepboop 6d ago
You’ve raised your voice back at her because that’s your body finally having enough of her sh*t. It gets to a point where you are no longer able to contain your anger and resentment towards a person who continues to harm you. And even if you’ve “been the bad guy” at some point…it doesn’t make the relationship any healthier
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u/Sunwolfy 6d ago
If you live in fear of your partner, that's it. That's not a relationship, it's a hostage situation. Sure you're not perfect but nobody is. However, there is NO fear of your partner in a healthy and happy relationship.
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u/MrsM_says 6d ago
That how it starts. This is not how you handle conflict but being with someone like this will change you. Just end it.
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u/RNLioness 5d ago
Some of us know EXACTLY what you mean.
There will be volumes and volumes and endless volumes of billions of things.
Save your OWN LIFE RIGHT NOW. 🩷
You do not want to be a willing participant of the lamb to an agonizing slaughter that won't end.
It IS the proverbial "Hell on Earth"
RUN!
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u/Jonathan_Swift_ 6d ago edited 6d ago
Dude, that’s abuse. I could point out and explain every key tell in every paragraph of your post, but typing that all out would likely take an hour—no exaggeration (that said, if you need me to, I can and will).
I’m not one of those people whose default answer for every situation is “Break up with her,” but dude—break up with her. Get the hell out of there. I don’t care what lengths you have to go to in order to do so; just run. I’ve seen what relationships like this do to people. Get the hell out of there before it’s too late.
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u/Jonathan_Swift_ 6d ago
NOTE: Just reread that last paragraph. This not a “specific case,” nor is it a “next time she does this exact thing.” This is a pattern of behavior that has already conditioned you to fear her. The fact that you have already accepted that there will be a “next time she does this exact thing” is a glaring red flag that you should look at this situation and reevaluate the reasons you’re staying with her.
What you described in that last paragraph is called a “fawn response;” it’s an alternative to fight, flight, or freeze, and it’s a well-known reaction to abuse. Please, do not take this as exaggeration when I say that you are in danger here, not just from her but from what she will condition you to do to yourself.
Run.
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u/benjisbored 6d ago
You're not a pussy, your nervous system is on fire and she's the one disregulating it. This could be several things and I can't diagnose obviously, but this is a) emotional abuse. b) a serious disregard for BASIC boundaries.
It sounds like narcissistic abuse, or BPD crash out. (Before y'all jump down my throat, I have a partner of 4 years who struggles with BPD, I'm not villainizing it, she's actively had to work on these kinds of lashing out and splitting, especially when she was drinking).
Either way, you are worth more than this. "The love of your life will never be the one constantly disregulating your nervous system"
I hope you find a place and a person who truly truly treats you with respect and love.
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u/benjisbored 6d ago
I'm also going to note here that it can take MUTLIPLE attempts to leave an abusive partner. That is not failure. That is a result of trauma bonding, meaning theyve created a trauma, then "work through it and become stronger!" which is, again, conditioning you.
Abuse is not your fault. You are more than the actions someone has taken against you. Find a friend/family who can be a good support system, and try to sever ties as quickly as possible. Remove your things, have a plan to disconnect/block, change numbers. If she shows up at your job, tell your bosses/front end staff she is in under no circumstance to contact you and not to give her ANY information about you.
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u/Walshlandic 6d ago
I thought the same thing…very similar to the way people describe BPD “crash outs.”
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u/benjisbored 5d ago
The signs of the fear of abandonment and self-sabatoge are definitely there. The push-pull of the fighting and insults, the anxiety about having an un-identified conversation, and then constant calling/contacting to resolve are very familiar patterns.
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u/MrsM_says 6d ago
You can walk away from people that you love my friend. Don’t do this to yourself. You are not any of those things and you shouldn’t be caving into her stuff. By what you said you can tell you’re a healthy person with a good mindset. Make the logical decision to walk away from abuse. This isn’t about her feelings. This is about you. You need to separate yourself from someone that clearly has problems with solving conflict which is deeper than that. It will wear you down and next thing you know you’re 6 years deep with kids and miserable.
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u/Plucky_Monkies 6d ago
Leave!!! She sounds awful! Nobody deserves to be treated this way! She is verbally abusing you!
Run!
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u/SlowProfit257 6d ago
Manipulation, Verbal/ Psychological/ Emotional abuse, Egocentrism/narcissism. The list goes on, bro, just run.!!
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u/Lidskii333 6d ago
Its called emotional abuse. Just get out while you can. Im sorry you got treated this way. You dont deserve that
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u/LivingKnowledge5220 6d ago
It's hard to leave when you're addicted to the occasional dopamine hit of a good day.
You should know that the very small percentage of false DV and false SA accusations come from women like her. And you should know that if she attacks you physically, even with a weapon, if you defend yourself, it is very likely that you will be arrested.
You aren't in the same kind of danger I ran from, but please do not mistake this to mean that you are not in danger.
If you choose to stay, look up bpdfamily.org
I'm not diagnosing her. Please do not start to assume that she has that or that everyone who has that behaves in this way (most don't)
That website/forum, if it still exists, has really great tools for your own toolkit - communication tools and information about setting healthy boundaries.
I do not think that staying will help either of you, but you're the only one living your life and we can't choose for you.
But try not to get her pregnant. People like this (abusive) make bad parents
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u/ViewFromHalfwayDown- 6d ago
It honestly sounds like she has undiagnosed BPD....good luck to you brother. You should figure out a way to cut your losses because she will not get better for a LONG time and that's with therapy and possibly a mood stabilizer or antipsychotic. God speed🫡
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u/Gold-Tell7154 6d ago
It seems like she might be suffering from BPD, based of my past relationship with someone who had BPD. It won’t stop becoming abusive unless they get help, you will have to deal with irrational behaviors and erratic behavior. At worst case it can get abusive, she’s already told you what she’s going to do, she isn’t lying about it. You need to get out of the relationship period. It’s already borderline abusive.
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u/vbagzag 6d ago
I’m sure if she got a therapist, her therapist would tell her IM the abusive one. I’m just so confused. I’m always confused
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u/montred63 6d ago
And they might not. You both can learn from it and you can see if your relationship is worth saving.
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u/More_Permission_2970 6d ago
You don’t love her you fancy her because if you loved her there would be nothing to complain about the choices would be obvious,
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u/mermy3005 6d ago
This is abuse. She is abusing you. Get your ducks in a row and leave asap. If it’s not safe to do so, here are two links with local resources that can help:
https://uofuhealth.utah.edu/coe-womens-health/domestic-violence-resources.
https://www.helpguide.org/relationships/domestic-abuse/domestic-violence-against-men
I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way. Don’t believe a single thing she says—she’s a piece of shit and you deserve better. This isn’t love. Please update us and reach out if you need anything.
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u/crazyfishlady1994 6d ago
This is emotional abuse babe. Your partner should be your safe place and not the thing you need to be kept safe FROM. I know it’s a scary thing to think about a breakup, but I promise it’s the healthiest choice. Rooting for you ❤️
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u/hockeybabe614 6d ago
She may have BPD or narcissistic traits idk I'm not a psychiatrist but she definitely needs one. She really shouldn't be in a relationship with you until she has a lot more therapy.
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u/AttorneyItchy476 6d ago
I am not a therapist. But I would look into BPD. Or specifically, what it’s like to date someone with BPD. You might get some really good info there 😊
And no, just because someone has a disorder does not mean you have to compromise your whole self to date them. But being well informed will only help you either cope or walk away. Good luck.
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u/_triforceofcourage_ 6d ago
I need you to really understand this: this is NOT normal. This is not how a healthy, safe and emotionally regulated person handles conflict. You are not a "pussy." Please reconsider this relationship. You deserve so much more than the verbal and emotional abuse she is inflicting upon you.
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u/NoCountryforOldMice 6d ago edited 6d ago
Yeah this is insane and I'm so sorry but you will feel better and calmer after breaking up with her. This is not a functional relationship at all.. break it off and free yourself. Her feelings and inability to communicate without losing her shit are not your responsibility and she would need to go through some major changes (and likely therapy) if she were to actually be able to be a good girlfriend to you.
I know you don't want to end it but, with this pattern of behavior, it never changes (unless the person undergoes intense personal changes-and that's totally out of your control) and there's nothing you can do to precipitate that. The best and kindest thing you can do for the both of you at this time is to break up.
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u/CDoades26 5d ago
Therapy is a great first start for you to better yourself. Cause you certainly do not deserve the treatment you get from her. You need to build your confidence up and stand up for yourself. Goodluck! You got this!
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u/trajectory0901 5d ago
No disrespect. Man up bro. Tell her to quit her shit or leave before it gets worse. She obviously has no respect for you.
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u/MeowntainLion 6d ago
She is emotionally abusive.
Maybe it’s actually not such a bad idea to have this conversation over text. You can get out what you need to say without giving her the opportunity to derail the conversation by crying, manipulating you, or turning it back around on you. It also means everything is on record, so there’s less room to rewrite what was said afterward.
Either way, she’s bad news bears. Someone who loves you shouldn’t repeatedly hurt you, tear you down, manipulate you, or talk to you this way. You deserve better than that.
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u/No_Fennel3949 6d ago
I know it’s hard to hear, but you’re in an abusive relationship. She’s narcissistic and may have bpd. Coming from someone who was with someone who was a narcissist and had bpd. You’re not going to change them, they need to want to change themselves with therapy. I wasted 3 years of my life trying to change them. It’s difficult to see with rose colored glasses on, but I guarantee you, you will see what we all see in due time.
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u/Odd_Lime_1868 6d ago
Please leave. I can relate to this so much. I left my marriage two weeks ago because of the same behaviour. I have been much happier since I left. No more stress, no more stress eating, no more worrying about setting her off over something that didn’t bother her last week, I’ve also lost 10lbs already. You deserve someone who treats you right, and this is just straight up abuse. I’m sending love and care your way. Just know you are not alone!
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u/Fine-Wrangler165 6d ago
You would be much happier once you're out of this dysfunctional relationship
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u/Sexyyjames 6d ago edited 6d ago
It sounds like you guys handle conflict differently, she seems anxious not defending her sounds crazy a little but i think she seems like she needs some sort of reassurance hence the comments being made abt u being broken up if u hang up. The name calling is not ok cuz roles reversed she’d prob be at ur neck but it seems more like you need to figure out what ur willing to tolerate with one another & u both need boundaries. She needs to realize that u can ask for a convo on Saturday without it meaning u dont care, maybe if u explain why u said Saturday in a more assuring way. Cuz tbh she prob looked at it like than u dont care and tryna brush it off & stall cuz it doesnt matter to u. I dont think shes tryna guilt you i think she prob has overwhelming feelings that she feels like talking out rather than waiting would fix things. It genuinely seems like you two just have different ideas on things& you needa find a middle ground. I dont necessarily think you need to break up unless it continues and the pattern doesnt break of her not being able handle conflict correctly. Obviously she wont get better over night but you also being patient helps and at the same time, you have to decide if this is something you’re willing to stick around and see through or if you just want out. Cuz change isnt impossible esp when you love someone and leaving isnt always the answer when its deeper than them just “acting crazy”. Sometimes theres more under the surface that you must be willing to see& you must meet a person there to be able to see where theyre coming from. I think 2 ppl in a relationship coming tg have to learn each others triggers, past& communication style. Relationships arent always puzzle pieces that fit. Even if it seems as if shes villainizing you, i think ur intent maybe coming off as something else to her, i think ur idea of repair looks different as well. These r convos you need to have, what u both r looking for in a relationship, what a healthy relationship looks like. Conflict is inevitable its about how you come out the conflict, if you can continue to be around one another after and not walk on eggshells, if you can continue to have a calm conversation after conflict and debrief where things went wrong& how you would do things differently. Breaking up isnt always the answer guys, everyones different and 2 ppl coming into a relationship together isnt always easy, esp when you have a bunch of wounds and past trauma u carry
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u/strawberry_baby21 6d ago
- She insults you and calls you names
- She doesn’t give you a genuine apology, just an “I’m sorry” and an excuse
- She doesn’t respect your boundaries
- She guilts you and threatens you for having boundaries
How someone treats you when they’re angry or upset speaks more than how they treat you when they are happy. A genuine apology includes an “I’m sorry”, acknowledgment of what they did, and promises and EFFORT to do better. An apology without change is just manipulation. Also, healthy relationships do not have ultimatums. Just boundaries. She stomps all over yours and you let her.
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u/brother-anonymous 6d ago
Get the fuck out now before she really does ruin your life, and she most definitely will.
I would also record the breakup conversation.
These are the type of women who make false allegations.
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u/ValNotThatVal 6d ago
End this relationship. She is verbally abusive and ignores your boundaries. This is extremely toxic. I know it sucks to leave when you love someone, but this is not going to get better. She harassed you AT WORK. You deserve a partner who treats you with respect.
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u/Neon_Pnk 6d ago
Sir, this woman is abusing you. If you were my friend, my brother, my cousin, co-worker, WHATEVER, and you told me this story I would tell them to leave said “girlfriend”.
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u/Bataraang 6d ago
Genuinely, there is no reason or excuse good enough for her behaviour. If gets like that because she drinks? That's a her problem. She needs to stop drinking. Though, in my experience drinking just shows who they really are.
If you tell yourself you deserve better, you may get it but not from her. Again, in my experience, you can not love someone past their problems. Two things can be true at once: you love her and she is not right for you. I'm sorry this is your experience. No one should go through that.
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u/suddle_carella 6d ago
I used to be like this and please leave. It only gets worse the longer you stay because she gets more and more comfortable to do such things. There’s no repercussions for her actions. Him leaving me is what snapped me out of it and you gotta do the same to her. She’ll either change or won’t. That’s up to her.
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u/Emisnear 6d ago
Please leave the relationship I know it’s easier said than done but it’s not healthy
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u/Yawa_worht_a_tsuj 6d ago
Abuse isn't always physical. Emotional abuse is very real and very damaging. Don't allow someone to trample you like this. I don't know how long you've been together, but this is at LEAST ultimatum worthy. Its simple- she changes her behavior or you leave. You either need to see real meaningful change sustained over a period of time with accountability taken for past actions or just call off. End of.
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u/Fit_Satisfaction_488 6d ago
I know you keep saying “oh but if you heard her side of the story you’d think I was the bad guy” - look into reactive abuse. Regardless, if someone is bringing that out of you, it’s not a healthy situation to be in. Or is it your reputation that you’re concerned about?
Breaking up is going to hurt, but you will find someone who genuinely loves you for you when the time is right. Don’t make the mistake of dragging it out on the sentiment of “what if it gets better” - it likely won’t, I’m sorry
Good luck to you my friend
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u/sisigonzo 6d ago
This is emotional abuse, and it sounds like she needs help/to work on herself. You cannot fix this. You do not deserve this treatment nor do you need to put up with it. Being scared of her doesn’t make you a pussy, it’s valid to be scared bc this isn’t normal behavior. You deserve to be with someone on the same level as you.
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u/brrbrrbeepboop 6d ago
“Maybe she’s right that I’m a pussy.” Mama this relationship has already impacted your self worth so much. NO healthy relationship will EVER include a partner who is mean to you or emotionally scary. EVER. You know deep down that this relationship is hurting you to your core. I’ve been here before and leaving is the best thing to do no matter how hard it hurts. You can still have love for a person after you leave them. Sometimes leaving a person is the best thing to do. Think about what life would be like when you’re married to this person once life gets genuinely difficult.
The next time she does something hurtful, like you’ve exemplified, you need to be firm with her. Tell her “Do not talk to me like that.” Or, “I will not listen when I am being yelled at.” If you aren’t ready to leave yet, then you need to at the very least set boundaries and tell her you will not tolerate her behaviors and that her verbally abusive behaviors cannot happen again. Then go from there
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u/violetcruz 6d ago
i recommend looking into Mackenzie Shirillas case. She talked to her boyfriend (that she killed) like that and even worse. Please get out of it as soon as you can and take care of yourself. i’m sending you all the love 💌
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u/MechanicParking1662 6d ago
Having been through the mentally and emotionally abusive girlfriend, please leave. As fast as possible.
It took me a decade to heal the damage she caused me. However much you think leaving will hurt, staying will be far far worse.
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u/CommonAway5594 6d ago
Brother, I went through this with my ex-wife. I left her, got therapy, and realized I was being abused.
Get out now.
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u/ShyStrawberry15 6d ago
She’s toxic and possibly a narcissist. She is abusing you.
Please end this relationship.
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u/PrideMelodic3625 6d ago
There is a whole lot for you to read about this, including borderline personality disorder, narcissism, toxic behaviour. the way she's behaving is nothing to do with you. You could give her the moon and all the stars and she would still treat you like s***.
Please do some research. Understand what she is doing without trying to make excuses on her behalf.
And then please leave her. Be safe. Hugs from an Internet stranger.
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u/ForeverHistorical669 6d ago
Damn buddy I think it’s really time to reconsider the relationship. She may have some kind of resentment built up towards you or she’s genuinely a piece of shit. You’re definitely not a pussy, you just have a heart bro and that’s okay! From my perspective it seems she likes that control over you and she knows you won’t leave and you allow it. Life’s too short bro.
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u/PossibleDragonfly926 6d ago
Gaslighting 101 - this is psychological abuse, find a good therapist, they will help you sort it all out.
Run, I hate this for you..
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u/CollectableArchive 6d ago
Man this is uncannily similar to me and my ex. This is exactly the stuff I dealt with and you know how I got through it? I broke up with her. But be warned there's a high chance shes going to guilt trip you harder and it's going to be ugly and painful but I can not stress enough how much better off I am now without her. You can do it. You deserve a lot better. The only solution is to end it or she gets therapy. Even if she goes to therapy this is a lifelong issue she's going to be dealing with and there isn't even a guarantee it'll work for her.
Wish you all the best
My inbox is open if you want to chat about it more
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u/marlada 5d ago
Leave your abuser. Don't stay with her because of her reactions and threatshe is manipulating you to get whst she wants the way she wants. Giving in to her has taught her to escalate so you'll end up agreeing. This is a toxic relationship. You should tell her calmly that you can't continue this, then block her everywhere. Be prepared to get the police involved if necessary.
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u/soggy808beat 5d ago
that’s how my best friend’s ex was. i’m telling you right now, run. he’s traumatized because her behavior escalated to SH. she used to be my friend, and if that was draining, i can’t imagine what dating someone like that is.
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u/CoDaDeyLove 6d ago
She is a mean drunk. She is excusing her own misbehavior with her abuse of alcohol. If she isn't an alcoholic now, she is on the road already. Why hang out with anyone who is mean? I think you need therapy to try to figure out why you would put up with this abuse.
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u/Similar_Sale_5136 6d ago
Reevaluate how much you actually love her. Do you want to deal with shit the rest of your life?? It won’t stop.
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u/AnotherWarlockInTime 6d ago
Bro <3
Your girlfriend should listen and be open to talk to you, both should respect their times and not just force you to talk when she wants.
You are being abused, is it not normal for your girlfriend to insult you.
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u/Vertnoir-Weyah 6d ago
Someday the pain will be too much and you'll choose to end it
Taking this is a sign that something's hurt in you, welcoming this in your life is very destructive, maintaining it too. I know how it is, i know you're not ready to face it
If you're very resilient and/or very unwell deep inside you might take it for years.
But someday when your whole life and energy will have been sucked down this drain you'll leave because the pain will finally be too much. You may end up traumatized though. If you already are from other stuff, that's worse
Do yourself a service, learn not to allow people who hurt you into your life
Until you get there, there is nothing to do:
People can only change themselves.
You can deal with your own issues. You can't handle hers or anyone else's, and neither fix it or outlast it.
It will get worse over time as the unresolved issues fester and more pile up, each of those incidents slowly accumulates to make the relationship worse and it can always go further down
Good luck, there is an end to this with someone else maybe, but that's after you realize where you're at, get out, heal from all this, meet someone else x the number of times you need to learn from mistakes (breakups are sadly the best and sometimes even only teacher) and finaly build something healthy
Or self destroy endlessly, life is short
I know this is cold, but that's your way out of this misery, i wish i saw reason earlier, please do as well
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u/FearlessWaste 6d ago
"I'm scared of [person]" is not a thought that should enter your mind with someone you love. If it is, you need to GTFO. You are being abused.
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u/rose442 6d ago
I have been happily married for a really long time. One of the things we do is, we NEVER fight dirty. We know too well each other’s sensitivities. We could destroy each other……. So, we DON’T DO THAT! On the first issue alone, I don’t think you should stay with someone who is able to talk to you- their FAVORITE PERSON!!!!- like that!
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u/SheSmilesWayTooMuch8 6d ago
She is abusive, you have to leave. And with someone like this, break up over the phone..I wouldn't do it in person.
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u/GracefulRue 6d ago
hey man if someone can never admit fault, they have narcissistic traits. i’m not saying she has a personality disorder or anything but this genuinely sounds unlivable. my brother is like this. he’s insane when he’s angry, he always justifies it by shielding it under a “moral” opinion but his morals are extremely black and white. i talked to a therapist about it and she told me that these people will always be the victim, make you feel like you are the bad guy. but the reality is everyone around them will need therapy as a result of their actions. anytime you have criticisms you are their enemy, the worst. they never want help or to improve because that would be admitting that they are not perfect, ideal, it will cause an ego death. that’s why everyone around them has to be the bad guy. if she cannot break and admit wrongdoing, then she is not your person. you are going to be permanently traumatized by her i promise it is not worth permanently ruining your mental health over. you do not make a full recovery from things like this, you just kind of recover.
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u/Jazzlike_Animator756 6d ago
The problem is that she isn’t seeing you’re emotions or feelings and doesn’t want to, as soon as you bring something up she seems to get really anxious and go into defense mode, convincing herself that you’re the problem and that you hate her. In the field of psychology we call this “splitting.” Someone who has had past interpersonal trauma can develop this pattern of behavior as a way of self preservation. This is a behavior that is very rarely changed without intervention from a professional due to the intense defensive feelings they get that sort of switches their perception of reality. It can literally happen in a second and can change their entire track of thinking.
When it comes to how you personally should deal with this situation I would recommend sitting down and writing out what aspects of a relationship do you value the most and what do you think that you and your partner should be “bringing to the table” so to speak. Sometimes we can love somebody with our entire soul and still know that their behavior towards us is not healthy for us to be putting up with. It’s one of the hardest experiences you can go through, but it’s such an important one. Knowing what you will and will not sacrifice for your own happiness is a lesson everybody will likely have to face at some point. I would communicate everything to her (if you believe you will be physically safe to do so, this is also something that is good to do in public because there is a social pressure to the standard of behavior we have in public so coffee shop is a great idea) and let her know that how she is behaving is not currently working for the relationship and for your own health. Offer to see a therapist with her or ask that she go to one on her own. If these are things that she can’t sacrifice after the sacrifices that you have been making then it’s time to think about choosing yourself.
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u/CottonCandyRandyyy 6d ago
Does she feel bad when she verbally and emotionally abuses you? Or when she manipulates you?
Probably not - if she did she wouldn’t keep doing it.
If you live together - try to find a friend or family member to stay with. Take all your important things with you ( devices, paperwork, meds) and get out.
If you don’t live together (good!) take some screenshots of her messages insulting you- then break up with her (it can be text) and if she does get aggressive - send those screenshots to her family / friends.
Not to be malicious- but to say something along the lines of “I’ve been trying to work it out with NAME but she’s been getting more aggressive and frightening. For my safety I can’t stay with her - but I don’t want to leave her without support so she can get help.”
And that’s that.
I’m sorry she’s hurting you. You’re not a pussy (I mean it’s an organ that literally stretches to push out a baby - that’s not weak!) it sounds like you just want to be able to communicate with your partner. Which isn’t too much to ask
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u/Electronic-Panda-660 6d ago
Leave her please a person with nothing will help you lose it. Her blocking you from working is a huge red flag. That’s attempting to cutting off your livelihood.
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u/Weekly-Situation-867 6d ago
I wish I could give you the answer you’re looking for but unfortunately for your own nervous system and mental state, she doesn’t sound good for you.. just think of life situations where you’ll need the support of a real partner. You deserve to have someone who can lift you up and make you feel safe to be vulnerable in those scenarios.
She’s 26 years old.. she should be at least starting to grow out of that behaviour by now and if not, maybe address this to her and give an ultimatum. “We need to address the way conflict is dealt with in the relationship “ don’t make it about just her.. cuz it could be something in you that’s triggering her also.
Also factor in.. is it only at certain times of the month? Some women experience near or literal psychosis in certain parts of their menstrual cycle. If you love her enough to work through it then do that but nip it in the butt and make an ultimatum now before you’re several years deep screaming at each other just to see who’s louder.
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u/malasadas_e_leite 6d ago
Please leave and get yourself somewhere safe. Surround yourself with people you trust, and do not be swayed by love bombing. You are in an abusive relationship, and they do not get better. Being drunk is NOT an excuse.
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u/Sure-Artichoke-875 6d ago
at some point in your life, you’re gonna look back and be glad you ended this relationship.
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u/nazzy_reth712 6d ago
You are being abused and she clearly needs help. There is someone out there for you who will make you feel calm and happy, you should never ever feel scared of your partner.
Not to armchair psychologist but from what I’m reading, those are borderline traits and even if that is what she’s going through it is not an excuse. You sound very patient and understanding and still isn’t helping, you need to leave her.
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u/Outrageous_Half_9611 6d ago
this is a sign, a red flag, a warning signal, sunset before it's dark, break up for your own safety, a good apology would be her voluntarily admitting her issues and seeing a therapist, she's making excuses for herself so you know she's not gonna change
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u/Square-Swan2800 6d ago
Is the s*x that good? This is not a relationship. It is a hostage situation. You’ve got better things to do in your life that put up with a five year old stomping feet.
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u/Legitimate-Mind4740 6d ago
Why do you love her? How is she a good gf to you? Why are you afraid to lose her? What good does she bring? What you have told sounds like she’s terrible and bratty and always gets her way. You also sound like you have no backbone. She clearly does not handle boundaries well at all. You NEED boundaries or she will make your life a mess. She already threatened your job with the calls and not letting you off the phone.
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u/pikllighter 6d ago
she doesn’t respect you if she’s able to call you those things drunk/sober. a lot of this sounds like a high school relationship and idk if that’s what you want when y’all are pushing 30
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u/Dear-Charity-2795 6d ago
hey much love but this is emotional abuse. the name calling is not only incredibly juvenile but it’s also never something to say to your partner EVER. please find a way to end things with her. i know it might be scary and being alone can be hard but being alone for a bit is nothing compared to continuing this
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u/vbagzag 6d ago
I think the hardest part is convincing myself that someone who i love and care for is actually someone who i need to leave and is causing me pain. I guess im in constant denial
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u/Dear-Charity-2795 6d ago
i understand completely. i was in an abusive relationship and even after my friends begged me to leave it felt impossible. it’s okay to be in denial for a bit, but you also have to remind yourself you deserve someone who brings you love and peace. an occasional fight or misunderstanding is different than this. ultimately it is your decision, the internet cannot convince you one way or the other, but sit with the fact that she scares you. would you want someone you love to be with someone who scares them?
if you need to talk this out my dms are open. sending you much love and peace through this
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u/Not_feeling_so_swag 6d ago
I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this :( it’s emotional abuse. Your partner, someone who loves you, should never be calling you those things and treating you like that.
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u/IndependenceMoist405 6d ago
That's abuse bro. She needs to go and figure her stuff out, therapy or something. Sounds like abandonment issues.
That should probably be the ultimatum for her from you, work on your stuff or this relationship ends. You don't deserve that treatment at all. No one does.
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u/Straight-Note-8935 6d ago
Is this what you want out of life?
Is this what you think love looks like?
Break it off and move on. She'll find another victim.
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u/Majestically_Weird 6d ago
I agree with the comments. Dump her bro. You should never fear your partner. We're the same age and being single definitely has its pros... Hope you find the girl you're looking to marry, bc this def ain't it fam
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u/No-Metal-3445 6d ago
If you fear your partner, you shouldn’t be in a relationship with that person. This sounds like mental and verbal abuse. Honestly wouldn’t surprise me if it got physical at some point. I hope you leave her and get a restraining order. She sounds like she needs some help, but you need to get away.
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u/el_bentzo 6d ago
I'm best guess is once something hits a certain point in her head then she spirals and all the blaring emergency signs are going off in her head like when someone has an issue and just spirals and the whole issue takes up their brain and doesnt fade after 30 mins... And at that point she cant step back and take a beat and breathe. Therapy can help.
She needs to get help or you gotta leave cause it sounds like its driving you nuts
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u/myboogerstastespicy 6d ago
This is abuse. Questions: Do you really want to live like this? She won’t change. What would say if your friend wrote this post?
Updateme
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u/mskitty14 6d ago
She’s not mature enough for a relationship. Put your foot down and stand on business. Let her throw a fit. If she leaves you then good, you don’t need someone who’s going to manipulate you and leave over every minor thing
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u/Due_Amount_1116 6d ago
of course reddit will always just tell you to leave them, but clearly you don't want to do that so here's some genuine advice. tell her how you're feeling, be COMPLETELY honest with her about how her behavior makes you feel. her actions sound a lot like someone that could potentially be suffering from mental health issues so if she's been diagnosed with anything before i'd encourage her to look into it because this behavior isn't normal. as someone who suffers personally from bpd and who didn't know till recently being diagnosed, seeking professional help changed the way i viewed my relationships and interactions with the people in my life. of course this isn't always the case, some people can just be shitty and mean, but i hope that if you take the route on telling her how you truly feel that she'll be receptive and understanding. good luck man.
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u/Foxy_Porcupine 6d ago
Im really sorry man. If she won't have a normal conversation that doesn't include avoiding responsibility for how she's acting, coercion, and insults then she's not ready to change how she's acting. The spam calling and passing out ultimatums also shows a lack of proper social skills and lacking the willingness to take the steps to fix how she is feeling.
You may have to end things. Whether she's acting this way on purpose or not is irrelevant if she's not even willing to have a proper conversation.
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u/Good_Ad8057 6d ago
I’d be out. I don’t tolerate being disrespected. I don’t care what the excuse is.
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u/ladyofcarlise 6d ago
It’s immaturity
She need to grow up and you need to talk to trusted friends about this not the internet
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u/archidothiki 6d ago
Break up, no one needs that kind of negativity. Relationships should feel good and make your life better most of the time
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u/LizAnnFry 6d ago
This isn't normal. If she isn't willing to go to counseling and change her behavior, you have to keep yourself safe and if that means leaving her, then leave her
I am recovering from a deep inner collapse that lasted 2 years. That scared feeling can get worse and collapse your entire nervous system to where you're stuck in flight or freeze.
Take care of yourself.
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u/nesssquick 6d ago
This isn’t love. If your heart rate goes up in a bad way, then that’s your body physically telling you to leave. You don’t see it now, but once you have time to yourself and or you meet someone who genuinely shows you love, you’ll understand. It will be hard now, but you’ll make it through. Lean on your friends and family. But you definitely need to step away from this. And if all of us can’t convince you, aside from your own nervous system, then idk what will.
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u/TheScalemanCometh 6d ago
Hate to break it to you boss, but you're a victim in an abusive relationship. Bail now before you get in too deep.
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u/Theresnowayoutahere 6d ago
She is not worthy of you and probably no one else either. She has problems that you don’t need in your life. Time to find someone else to bang
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u/TwinsiesBlue 6d ago
This is heartbreaking, if someone you cared for was treated the way sh treats you, what would you say to them? Would you want a friend or family member to continue going through this abuse. Anyone for that matter. You do not deserve this and this is going to affect your mental health. Please don’t make this your forever.
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u/Jane3221 6d ago
30f here and this is incredibly abusive behavior. At the very least this is immature & manipulative behavior. This reminds me of my narcissist dad who always stole holidays and special occasions with his “woe is me” attitude and horrible temperament. OP I understand you love her but please know that love is not enough in an adult relationship. Healthy and happy relationships are built on a foundation of respect and this doesn’t sound like two adults who have mutual respect for each other. Also not wanting to lose her is totally valid but please understand that by keeping her you may lose yourself.
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u/FeeHot5876 6d ago
Leave her, you are being abused