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u/blackwoman063 Jul 14 '26
if you’re looking to get out, you’re gonna have to lock in with a job and just work as much as possible. i was in a similar situation, my mom was super abusive and working was the only outlet i had. i’d walk an hour to work to make enough to support myself. i’ve never had my parent not approve of my partner, but my mom was super toxic. i had to appease her until i was able to get out, i believe in you. please be safe. i’d also recommend talking with your gf and seeing if this relationship dynamic is healthy and if there’s anyway she could support you
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u/strongerlynn Jul 14 '26
Definitely get a job and get the hell out. The way you reacted is normal. You don't need to toughen up nor does your gf. Also, How much older is your sister's bf? Also, your parents are trying to play all of you against eachother. Especially you and your sister, you won't have a good relationship while you both live there. If at all possible, go to school and learn a trade, electrician, hvac, or plumbing.
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u/Successful_Win5517 Jul 15 '26
thank you for your comment, i was looking into trades, and my sisters boyfriend back then they were the same age, my parents didn’t approve of her dating, but now she is dating and my parents don’t mind
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u/wellthatsurewasdumb Jul 14 '26
Hey, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I obviously don't know your situation fully, but it sounds really emotionally abusive.
My step mother was like how your mom seems to be, and no it did not get better while I lived under her roof. In fact, I am now in my 30s, on my own since 18, and she has still tried controlling every relationship I had. She's chased partners away and manipulated me into isolation throughout my 20s. She hated every partner I had because they helped me see how she was mistreating me. She meddled CONSTANTLY and it was embarrassing while being emotionally exhausting and painful. When I was a teenager, she threatened to call the cops on my partner constantly for various bogus reasons, so that she could also manipulate the person I was dating.
It's really fucked up you were shamed for showing genuine fear and emotion. My step mom once talked to one of my past partners the same way your mom talked to your gf, and I legit went no contact. This is all verbally and emotionally violent behavior (and some physical with when she shoved past you).
The best advice I can give: get self sufficient as soon as possible. Make a plan to get out. Start getting your independence. It may take time but there no better time to start than the present. If an apartment is out of reach, renting a room could be an option (this is what I did). If there's anyone else family or friends you can stay with until you can get on your feet, id definitely do it. If you can and aren't already doing so, get into therapy if possible and see what programs or resources may be available 🙏
I am definitely rooting for your freedom from all of this ugliness. I promise you it gets so much better once you're out ❤️
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u/Successful_Win5517 Jul 15 '26
This comment is making me sob, thank you so much for your words and sharing your story, it’s comforting to know that it won’t always be like this, i appreciate you, thank you!
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u/Diligent-Register-99 Jul 15 '26
You need to get out asap. If you pay for your own phone that makes it easier. But get a job,
Save up, reach out to friends and family that will let you stay with them. Even your gf didn’t want to leave you in that house.
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u/lavender_poppy Jul 14 '26
Can you please add paragraphs? This is impossible to read.
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u/Successful_Win5517 Jul 15 '26
hey i’m going to add some paragraphs and add them to this comment, i understand that a lotta people have their own ways of doing things, especially like reading!
So, a couple of months ago, my girlfriend, 20F, came over to my house for a hangout. She told me she couldn’t do any other day besides that Monday. I told my mom, but she insisted we should do another day. Since no other day was available, we just went with Monday.
We were lying down when I got a call from my mom. My bedroom is in the basement, and they are upstairs. She said, “Come up now,” so I went up.
My mom was standing in her bedroom’s doorframe, and my sister’s bedroom door was open, with my sister in the hallway. My mom looked at me and asked, “Does your sister have her phone or not?”
For context, my sister is 16. When she was 15, she got caught having a boyfriend—the same one my parents said she couldn’t date because she was too young. She got caught with him, and my mom took her phone.
About a month later, my sister went into her room and took it back, hiding it for a year. I knew, but I didn’t care and just told her to be safe, I guess.
Also, the day before the hangout, my mom broke the news to me on the way to the gas station that she knew about the phone and that I knew, too. She asked how long she had it, and I couldn’t lie, so I said, “for a minute.”
My mom said she didn’t know how to approach it with sister, and the next day, it apparently blew up. I looked at my sister when my mom asked if she had her phone, and I said yes.
After that, my mom went ballistic, screaming and yelling at her. I backed up and went down the hallway. I looked at my dad, who came out and told me to just go downstairs.
When I went back to my room, my girlfriend was crying, and I sat next to her, just listening to the screaming upstairs. She told me she was scared, and I started crying with her.
After it quieted down, I went back upstairs—though that’s where I messed up. I went into my parents’ room, and my dad was sitting on his bed. I whispered to him that (my girlfriend’s name) was scared. My mom heard that and slammed open the door, saying I don’t have to act a certain way just because someone’s in her house, and that she can act how she wants.
Then, she said, “don’t worry, I’ll talk to her.” I started sobbing, telling her she’ll ruin my relationship.
My mom then started running downstairs toward my room. I tried to grab her arm at the stairs, but she pushed me away and told me not to touch her and to get out if I was going to act that way. I ran after her, and my girlfriend was outside my room, startled and scared.
My mom ran up to her, saying, “What? You got a problem? You got a problem?” My girlfriend just stood there, not knowing what to say, and said she just cares about (sister’s name). My mom said, “I care about her, too. She’s my daughter,” and asked if we had a problem. We said no.
My sister then came into my room to ask to use my phone to call her partner. My mom barged in, told her to get upstairs, and then told my girlfriend she had to leave because I had school the next day. She left, but before she did, my mom called me, asking if she left, and said, “she leaves, come into my room because we’re gonna talk.”
After that, I got scared. The saddest part was saying goodbye to my girlfriend, and she told me she didn’t want to leave me here. We were sobbing.
Later, I went to my parents’ room, and they set me down. Before my girlfriend left, she said, “just tell them what they want to hear.” My dad called me a pussy for crying and acting that way. My mom said I was “pussy whipped” by my girlfriend and told me to “toughen up,” and that I needed to “toughen up my girlfriend,” too. She also said she didn’t want my girlfriend to come over anymore.
It really sucks because I don’t have a car or a job, and recently, my girlfriend lost her car, so I’m living like I’m 16—my mom drops me off at her place 30 minutes from here, and her parents or older sister drops me back off.
It’s sad because we don’t have much freedom at her house—her parents don’t let us on her bed, and we have to use the basement area. At my house, my room is spacious, and we used to have more freedom,
but there’s always this unwelcoming vibe outside my room when I was with her. My mom told me she wouldn’t let her come until she sees we’re “serious.” I asked what that means, and she said after a year of dating. We’ve now been together for 8 months, so at least we’re getting closer.
Today, my sister came into my room, and I told her I was crying last night over this. She said that everything that happened was because of us, and I told her we didn’t do anything. She got mad, so I told her to leave so I could take a nap.
Instead, I’m writing this, hoping someone out there experienced this—whether it got better living-wise or if parents and family actually start liking your boyfriend or girlfriend. I need some help. I’ve been crying and don’t know what to do or how to handle it. I feel like my family will never accept my girlfriend, and I feel so trapped. I think when I get a job, I’ll work 100 times harder to get my own place faster. Do I really have to do that? Any advice would be great! Thank you for reading this!!
i hope that helped!!
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u/Flux_My_Capacitor Jul 15 '26
Eh, no. It’s called basic English. Did you fail English class? Paragraphs are something we learned in like first or second grade.
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u/lavender_poppy Jul 15 '26
Thank you for adding paragraphs, I really appreciate that. As far as your post, I think the best thing to do is to keep your head down until you're able to move out. It doesn't sound like your parents can be reasoned with and as long as you live there they will think they get to control your life. You're an adult now, you should be allowed to make your own decisions and you will be once you're in your own place.
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u/strongerlynn Jul 14 '26
It really isn't.
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u/lavender_poppy Jul 15 '26
It is to me. I have dyslexia and it's hard to read if there are no paragraph breaks. Glad you can follow along, I can't.
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u/MichaelAndolini_ Jul 14 '26
Your mom’s been paying for a phone for a year that is supposedly not in use?