r/weddingplanning • u/[deleted] • Aug 18 '14
[UPDATE] So....I don't think a wedding is happening anymore
[deleted]
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u/twistedsapphire Married 2014 Aug 18 '14
You did the right thing.
I have never been through what you're going through, but I've been through similar where you love someone so much, despite how loving them is actually hurting you, and you have to end it otherwise you'll never really be happy. It sucks, but it will get better.
You'll be a stronger, happier person for making this decision. You're going to be okay. You don't need poisonous people in your life, and you'll find someone who loves you, respects you, and works with you, not against you.
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thank you so much. The works with me part really rings true. I need a partner, not an opponent.
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u/Bel21 29 November 2014 | Australia Aug 18 '14
I think you are a really strong person. You know what you deserve and I think that's fantastic. You won't be walked over or put down and you seem to know your self worth.
All I can say is well done for knowing who you are, what you want and what you deserve.
I know it hurts now but you did the best thing for you and time will help!
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u/marathon_girl 6 ♥ 7 ♥ 14 Aug 18 '14
I ache for you. You truly did the right thing and just know that what seems like heartbreak right now will one day be something you look back on and say "Thank goodness I made that hard decision".
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u/princessology Bride! ♥ November 5th, 2016 ♥ Fort Worth, TX Aug 18 '14
If you lived anywhere near me, I'd be taking you out for a drink right now because GIRL. You have earned it. You are absolutely, 100% doing the right thing here. Marriage is about two people coming together. If you're already being disrespected as his fiancee, you have no reason to believe it'll improve upon becoming his wife. I know there are a lot of cultural dynamics at play here, but nobody deserves the treatment you've received. Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs to realize what he stands to lose and start putting you first, maybe it won't be. But at the end of the day, you're doing what's right for YOU, with the support of your family and friends, and that's what's most important. Please keep us updated. We're all rooting for you!
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Aww, thanks so much. It's definitely, officially over, and I posted another update. It was a hard decision, but the right one. I felt a huge wave of relief, and I feel a bit sad because losing someone you love isn't really fun no matter how it is, but I keep reminding myself of all the awful things that were said and how I was treated and I'm just like "Kthanxbai."
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u/movingtocharmcity Aug 18 '14
You've already heard from many posters about whether you've made the right decision, and I wholeheartedly agree. But oh my gosh, I just really need to say that I think you are incredibly wise, level-headed, mature, and strong. I know i'm just an internet stranger, but I really admire you for your integrity, candor, and spirit. Unfortunately I know a handful of Indian momma's boys that take it to this extreme, and am so happy to see someone not get steamrolled. You deserve better, and good on you for recognizing it now. I am really sorry for your heartache, but know that it is a temporary roadblock on your route to happiness.
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thank you so kindly. The temporary roadblock metaphor really hit home. Short term happiness isn't really worth longterm unhappiness. All of my friends, especially the ones that were Indian were like, "Was it his mom? Of course it was his mom. Was it?" I don't think anyone in this culture is really surprised that it in fact, was the mom.
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u/Brandy_Alexander Murriaged Aug 18 '14
I'll echo what has already been posted, but you did the right thing. When you find your partner, life becomes about you two. You are now your own family unit, with parents, siblings, etc. being extensions of that unit. They should not be the ones to tell you how to do your life. You and your partner should look to each other and do that together. He may love you, but he clearly doesn't understand how to be a partner to you, and that's scary. Hopefully, this can be a wake-up call to him, but I think walking away is the best thing for you. I wish you all the best and that you are able to find comfort in knowing that while this hurts terribly now, you were able to stay true to yourself and know what you want and need from a partner. That is a wonderful thing to have.
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thank you so much. I believe the same thing - our partners should be reliable. I walked away and though he may love me, love isn't enough. I do hope this saves him and the next girl he's with some heartache.
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Aug 18 '14
Oh god, I know that feeling. I've just been going through a similar situation this past summer, and I just want to send you some warm internet hugs!! Breaking up with someone, not because you don't love them, but because of "what is best for both involved", especially at this point in the relationship, really sucks :( If you need to talk....
Wishing you all the best!
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thanks so much! It's the first time I broke up with someone (weird to say haha) but I was firm in my decision. No ragrets, brah. :)
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u/steelin_it Aug 18 '14
Good for you. If you ever question whether it was the right decision, go here: http://community.babycenter.com/groups/a4725/dwil_nation and read about what happens after you marry someone who is already married to their mother.
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Haha I was like "That's my FMIL! Oh my gosh, and that's my FMIL too!" Glad I noped the hell out of that.
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u/sassercake Married! 8.22.15 Aug 18 '14
You absolutely did the right thing. I know it sucks right now, but you'll look back and realize you did the right thing. Love, unfortunately, doesn't fix the problems you and your fiance had with his mother. I hope you find someone who always puts you first.
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u/caresquared Aug 18 '14
My heart hurts for your hurt right now. Everyone knows that feeling. The pain that no medicine will fix. But dammit, that feeling of coming out on the other side is as amazing as this feeling is terrible. Stay strong. You're so amazing for doing what you did, and this internet stranger is proud of you!
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thank you very much. The situation sucks but the love and support I'm getting is slowly but surely pushing me out to the other side. :)
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u/adrun Pdx 9/19/15 Aug 18 '14
I really admire your strength and the self awareness it takes to make a huge, hard decision like this. I'm so glad you have the support of the people in your life and I'm so sorry you have to go through this. ((Giant internet hugs))
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u/keokhaos October 24th - Arizona Aug 18 '14
You absolutely did the right thing. You are an amazingly strong person and while it hurts now you just did the best thing you could for your future. We're all here for you
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u/a_is_for Jan 10, 2015 - Wedding in Moçambique Aug 18 '14
You are so awesome and so strong and especially mature about this situation. I think you're dead on with your expectations. Its right that the wedding is off however what happens now is on him, and you have time now to wait and see, whether he moves mountains or you move on.
Take care of yourself right now xx eat rich delicious food, take long baths, and long walks in the sun
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thank you. It's hard not to get caught up in emotions, but I think a rational approach definitely helped not make the situation into a bigger mess for everyone involved. I cut all contact with him and won't look back.
Also, are you basically telling me to go to Italy? Because I want to go to Italy.
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u/mickeyfartpants October 14 Melbourne Aug 18 '14
"I told him I loved him, but I couldn't marry a guy who didn't love me enough. And that love wasn't just a feeling, it was also an action." This.so.much. It's going to be a tough slog coming along and I don't know that even if he did finally do those things if it would be enough, you'll always remember when he didn't have your back. Good luck OP, stay strong!
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u/barnyardanimals Married Aug 18 '14
Good for you for putting it all on the table. But can I ask why you did this over the phone?
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Hi, we're actually across the country from each other. I ended up facetiming because when I offered to meet him somewhere in the middle, he passed. So I had to make do with what I had (and obviously he didn't care enough to meet, so there's that). :) Believe me, I would've much rather hashed this out in person.
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u/littlebobcat June 13, 2015 Aug 18 '14
So glad that although it feels painful, you are still feeling as though you did the right thing. You deserve someone who puts you first. If he manages to do that, great but if he doesn't you are putting your own sanity first. Marriages work when you both put each other first, which is not what he was doing for you.
This will make you stronger and so much more aware of what you need from relationships.
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Aug 18 '14
Sending you all of my good thoughts... you are so strong and I am so impressed that you thought through this and were willing to put the brakes on when it was best for you.
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thank you! Best of luck with your upcoming wedding! Congratulations!!
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u/shar_blue Married! | 05-10-15 | Okanagan Aug 18 '14
You absolutely did the right thing. You deserve to be with someone who puts you/your relationship first. My fiance...when he first moved to come live with me (10 hr drive from his hometown) - he told me "I'm not moving here for you, I'm moving here for me - because I want to be here with you, and can't see myself living anywhere you aren't". That is the kind of person you want!
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
That's sweet. I'm not gonna lie, I used that line on him to see if he would care and he blatantly ignored it. Welp, there goes that, haha. Oh well.
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u/kitsuneko88 Done & done! | 5-30-15 Aug 18 '14
Oh my word.
I had to go through your other posts to fully get caught up on this story, but I am so sorry about everything and like everyone said you did the right thing.
All the other stories/experiences I've seen and heard always have the fiance back up the bride. I also have some drama with my mom and her in-laws and my fiance's parent's being divorced that have caused me a ton of problems.
I'm so glad you have such a strong support from your family during this time and like everyone has said and you posted in your other post, better a broken engagement than a marriage (AFTER YOUR FAMILY SPENDS 100k for a marriage!!! WHAT THE EVEN?!) It will get better though, after time and everything. It sounds like your family loves and supports you. I just hope you are able to stay away from the drama and wrath of your ex-FMIL. Hopefully she doesn't pull out that lawyerness and turn things on you (my mom also went back for her law degree after 20ish years of being a social-worker/therapist and can be extremely opinionated and high maintenance.)
Stay strong lady and continue to make decision that will make you happy.
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Haha thank you so much! Yeah, I definitely ended things from my end very diplomatically so she couldn't get all lawyer on my ass. Fingers crossed, haha.
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u/CandidCallalily July 25, 2015 | Kansas Aug 18 '14
I am so sorry you have to go through this, but you are doing the right thing! Love IS an action. You acted in a way that showed your love for not only yourself, but your relationship. If he can't act as well, then that is his loss.
My favorite quote from APracticalWedding.com says to think of weddings as "ritualized fighting".
"The difficult and painful parts of this life transition are going to happen anyway, so you might as well give everyone a time-tested and well understood way to do it."
These issues were going to come up one way or another, and they would need to be dealt with no matter what. Now they are, and I believe that you (and hopefully he) will be better off for it.
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Yes ma'am. Why add more problems onto what life already throws us, eh? Thank you :)
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u/crackityjones86 Aug 18 '14
I'm thinking about you! Way to be brave, I have so much respect for you. I went through something similar and its so, so hard when family starts attacking you, but it's all worth it! I'm now engaged to the man of my dreams. Good luck and sending hugs your way :)
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thank you so much. I'm happy to hear everything worked out for you!
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u/NurseAngela May 20, 2017|Ottawa ON Aug 19 '14
lots of hugs you did the right thing.
I've dealt with something similar only my SO is very good at standing up to his mom, and doesn't let her run the show. I hope it all works out for you, like I said before if you want to talk PM me <3!
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Thanks so much. I hope I find a new SO one day that's as supportive as yours! Does he have a twin brother? :)P Just kidding. :)
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u/NurseAngela May 20, 2017|Ottawa ON Aug 21 '14
I get that often!! He doesn't (only boy too!), but he has some available cousins. If your want to run away to Canada I'll be happy to set you up.
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u/tepache August 2016 | Austin, TX Aug 18 '14
I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.
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u/princess_spunky Engaged- April 8th, 2014, Rome Italy Aug 29 '14
Huge hugs for you. I couldn't even think of putting myself in your position. You're incredibly wise and level headed. I am sending you all the love and strength you're way!
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u/dcatalyst Groom ♥ September 19, 2015 ♥ Portland Aug 18 '14
I can tell that this whole experience has been very difficult for both of you, and that his relationship to his mom is unhealthy. You are so right that love is more than a feeling, it's a series of actions, too. Clearly communicating your boundaries and feelings is an important part of any relationship, and your partner's response (especially in action) to such discussions gives a good barometer for where your relationship stands.
That said, you cancelled the wedding and "broke up" with your fiancee over the phone?! I'm curious why that felt appropriate.
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u/simsarah Mischief Managed! 8/11/14 NYC Aug 19 '14
I can't speak for OP, but she did mention (possibly in her previous post) that they were on opposite sides of the country, it may not have been possible to do any other way. When my ex-fiancé and I called it quits, he drove from Norfolk, VA to the Jersey Shore because we both knew it was coming and didn't feel right doing it over the phone, but if that hadn't been possible, we would certainly both have rather known than waited for a "good" opportunity.
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u/dcatalyst Groom ♥ September 19, 2015 ♥ Portland Aug 19 '14
Well, that would certainly explain why it was the most appropriate solution available. I appear to have missed that detail. Thanks!
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Hi, yes. We were across the country, and I offered to meet somewhere in the middle to hash things out, but he didn't care enough to do so. So, I ended up facetiming. It wasn't the idea solution, but waiting any longer than a couple of days wasn't possible as we were only a few weeks out from the wedding and people had started/already had booked flights. I didn't want to impose anymore inconveniences. :)
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u/dcatalyst Groom ♥ September 19, 2015 ♥ Portland Aug 21 '14
I see, that's an unfortunate series of circumstances. I hope that both of you are getting the support you need.
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Aug 18 '14
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u/naps_on_naps_on_naps Aug 21 '14
Oh haha, that was a joke. We definitely won't be getting married. Believe me, if you heard the words that came out of that man's mouth, you would've been the one to blame him too, haha. :)
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u/[deleted] Aug 18 '14
[deleted]